by Ivy Smoak
He pressed his lips together. He didn’t say anything at all. But he also didn’t let go of me.
“It’s late, James. You promised Rob you’d be back.”
“I wasn’t actually talking to Rob this morning.” His voice sounded strained.
“I know. I’m not an idiot. And I’m telling you it’s okay. I just want you to be happy.”
“I fucked this whole thing up.” He let go of my face and ran his fingers through his hair. “I was told that I should wean you into your life slowly. And I thought it was a good idea, because I wanted you to remember me. Just me. But it’s not just about me.”
“James…”
“You can’t leave, Penny. I can’t do this on my own.”
“Of course you can…”
“But it’s not just me that needs you. We already have two beautiful children.”
What?
“Our daughter is the spitting image of you. You met her in the hospital. But you were freaking out. And everyone said it was best if I waited to tell you. But she misses you. You have to come home. For her, not for me. And you have a son. A newborn. He was born early and…” his voice broke. “We don’t know if he’s going to make it. That’s what I’ve been doing when we’re not together. I’m visiting our daughter at my brother’s apartment. And I’m spending every other second at the hospital soaking up any moment with my son that I can because I don’t know if he’s going to wake up tomorrow. And you can’t leave me. You can’t leave us.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“And you were right, I’ve never called Rob pumpkin in my life until this afternoon. I was talking to our daughter. I’m not cheating on you. I’d never cheat on you. And I don’t care if you can’t have any more children. The ones we have are all I need. And we need to go home so that we can spend time with them. They both need you way more than they need me.”
It was raining, and I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he was crying.
Everything he said made sense. The doctor I had talked to said he thought I lost a baby. But I hadn’t lost him yet. He was in a hospital somewhere, waiting to meet me. Possibly dying. And I remembered the little redheaded girl. It felt like my veins turned to ice. I thought I had dreamed about her. I thought I was seeing myself from my past. Was it possible that she was real? She had called me Mom. She had looked at me with so much love. And she ran to me like there was no one in the world she loved more.
“I can’t.” I was surprised that those two words came out of my mouth. James had just put everything on the line, and I said: "I can’t"? I shook my head. “I…” I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t seem to.
“I know that was a lot to drop on you. I know you’re scared. But you’re stronger than you know.”
I closed my eyes. “I can’t.” Why did I keep saying that? It wasn’t a choice now. I had to go back. It wasn’t about whether or not I loved James. It was so much more than that. I had kids?
“I’ll sleep in one of the guest rooms,” he said.
That wasn’t why. I shook my head. I liked waking up to his arms around me. I liked the way he smelled. I liked the way he looked at me.
“I won’t touch you at all, if that’s what you want.”
I opened my eyes. And I definitely liked when he touched me. His skin against mine made me feel alive. Like he ignited a spark in me I didn’t know existed. So I don’t know why the word “okay,” came out of my mouth so quickly. I don’t know why I agreed. It wasn’t what I wanted.
“So you’ll come back?” He sounded so hopeful and distraught at the same time.
I stared at him getting soaked in the rain, looking as helpless as I felt. “For them.” Again, I didn’t know why I said it. Was I purposely trying to hurt him? Or was I trying to convince myself that he had nothing to do with my reason for going back to New York?
“Of course. For them.” He stepped back toward me, but didn’t take me in his arms. “Let’s go home.”
PART 3
Chapter 24
Sunday
A change of clothes hadn’t taken the chill out of my bones. I glanced over at James.
His hair was dry now, but the rain had made it curl. He looked handsome. And so very tired. He hadn’t touched me once since he promised not to. He didn’t take my hand to help me out of the car this time. He didn’t touch the small of my back to guide me toward our apartment.
We'd had a lovely evening until I broke everything. And now I was back, and our relationship was more broken than ever. But I didn’t know how to fix it. And I was too consumed by nerves. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
I swallowed hard. “Is she already home?”
James nodded.
I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready. But he had given me a short rundown of my daughter. Her name was Scarlett. She was three and a half. She had red hair like me but brown eyes like him. She was outgoing and a little spoiled. When he told me that, I think he expected me to laugh. But nothing about this situation was funny to me. How was I supposed to be a mother when I didn’t even remember my daughter.
“You can wait until the morning, if you want. It’s pretty late, I can put her to bed.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I can do this.”
He didn’t wait for me to change my mind. He opened the door and walked into his apartment. Our apartment. How was I ever supposed to get used to any of this? I could barely get used to him. Let alone…
“Mommy!”
All I saw was a blur of red hair and panda pajamas before my leg was attacked in a hug. I looked down at her mop of red hair. She was so cute. “Hey, Scarlett.”
She looked up at me with her big brown eyes. They looked exactly like James’. But hers weren’t stormy. Or tormented. “I missed you.” She pressed her face against my leg again.
“I missed you too.” It wasn’t even a lie. It was like I missed her even though I hadn’t known she existed. I squatted down to look her in the face. “Did you have fun with your aunt and uncle?”
She nodded. But she didn’t look as happy to see me as she had a second ago. It felt like she was examining me. She squinted her eyes slightly as she stared at me. Maybe she needed glasses? “Do you want help getting ready for bed?”
She squinted her eyes a little more before opening them wide again. She took a step back from me. “No, I want Daddy to help me.”
I saw how it was. She was a Daddy’s girl. And there he was a few hours ago claiming my kids needed me more than him. What a lie. Scarlett didn’t really seem happy to see me at all.
James lifted her up in his arms and peppered her face in kisses as she giggled. “Your mom’s going to help you, pumpkin. I’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in.”
Pumpkin. It truly had been her that he was talking to on the phone earlier. He really wasn’t cheating. I felt a wave of relief, and I wasn’t really sure why.
She squeezed her arms around James’ neck as she stared at me. “No.” She looked back at him. “I want you to help me. And to read my bedtime story. And to tuck me in.” She glanced back over at me and squinted her eyes again.
Was she glaring at me? Well, James had warned me that she was spoiled. Was I a bad mother? Is that why she was looking at me the way she was?
He kissed her forehead and then looked over at me. “It’s been a long day. Is it okay if I just…”
“Of course.” I honestly had no idea how to help a kid get ready for bed anyway. My babysitting skills were limited at best.
I watched them walk away. And I felt…empty. Did my daughter hate me? I wrapped my arms around myself so that I wouldn’t fall apart.
“Hey, sis,” Rob said as he walked into the foyer. He was holding a little girl about Scarlett’s age on his hip. She was fast asleep, her head pressed into his chest.
“Hey,” I said, despite the fact that he didn’t look happy at all to see me.
�
��Didn’t take you for a flight risk. Here I thought we had a fun afternoon, and the whole time you were planning on being an ass.”
His wife elbowed him in the side. I didn’t remember her name, but I remembered her from the hospital. “What he means to say is that we’re glad you’re back. We should probably get going.” She reached over and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear.
“Of course. Thanks for watching Scarlett.”
She looked up from her daughter. Her eyebrows pinched together for a moment before she rushed over to me and gave me a huge hug. “Don’t cry. Rob didn’t mean it. He was the one being an ass.”
I laughed. “It’s not that. Well, maybe it’s partially that.”
“Then what’s wrong? You look devastated.”
“Does Scarlett hate me?”
She immediately shook her head as she let me out of her embrace. “No. She talks about nothing but you. And whenever James came to visit her all she asked him was when she could see you. I know all of this has been hard. And I’m here if you need me. I know you don’t remember me, but we’re friends. If you need to talk about anything…”
“Then talk to her instead of leaving,” Rob said.
“Rob, you’re not helping. Can’t you see that she’s upset?”
He looked at me almost the same way Scarlett did. “Well, she shouldn’t have left. You didn’t just worry James. You worried all of us.”
“I’m sorry, Rob.” And I was. Just thinking about the note I had left made me cringe.
“Yeah, I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. Next time you think about making a run for it, try thinking of someone else for a change. You’re not the only one that got hurt, you know.”
“Rob.” She grabbed his arm. “I’m so sorry. We’re going to go before my husband decides to be even worse. Call me if you need anything. Really, anything.” She gave me a small smile before she pulled her husband out the front door.
She seemed nice. But I couldn’t call her. I didn’t even know her name. All I could think about was the fact that Rob had said I wasn’t the only one that had gotten hurt. He had to be talking about James. There was still so much I didn’t know. James had promised me answers before I had run out on him.
I walked into the family room to wait for him to come back downstairs. Melissa and Josh were sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen. Not just because I had forgotten they were visiting, but because I had never seen Melissa read anything but a textbook or magazine.
“Hey guys,” I said.
Melissa looked up from the paper. “I don’t know whether to hug you or give you the silent treatment.”
“I’m sorry.” All I could do tonight was apologize. I had messed everything up.
“I thought you killed yourself.”
James hadn’t said the words out loud, but Melissa had never shied away from how she was feeling.
“I didn’t think about how it would look,” I said. “I just wanted you to think I…you know…slipped and was unconscious.”
She stared at me. “Are you kidding? You took my example of why the cameras were a good thing and used it against me?” She shook her head. “Never mind, silent treatment it is.”
“Melissa.”
“Don’t Melissa me. We were up half the night looking for you all over the city. Speaking of which, we’re exhausted.” She tossed the newspaper on the coffee table. “We’re going to bed.”
“I’m sorry,” Josh mouthed to me before he followed her out of the family room.
I sighed and sat down where they had been sitting. I hadn’t thought about how much my actions would hurt everyone. But in my defense, I hadn’t planned on coming back.
Laughter drifted down from upstairs. Hearing it put a pit in my stomach. I expected to feel an instant connection with Scarlett. And I kind of had, until she gave me that strange little scowl. The way she studied me reminded me of her father. Maybe it was that they had the same eyes.
What if she never warmed up to me? What if she never liked me in the first place? I had no idea how to win her over because I didn’t know anything about her. Tomorrow was a new day. I’d try harder.
But no matter what I thought, the pit in my stomach only seemed to grow. It wasn’t just Scarlett I had to win over if I stayed. I had created this awkward tension between me and James. His brother hated me. Melissa hated me. And I had a son I still hadn’t even met.
I put my face in my hands. Tomorrow wasn’t going to be an easier day. I’d have to go see my son. Liam. James said he was born two months early. He had a lot of health problems. The doctors worried that if he made it, he’d have some kind of disability. The kid was doomed from the start.
I wanted children. But not like this. I wanted two healthy children that loved me as much as I loved them. Maybe that was the problem. I didn’t feel like I loved them yet. Scarlett was this tiny little stranger that happened to look like me. And in my mind, Liam was this tiny sickly thing hooked up to scary tubes.
James said they needed me. But who was I kidding? I could barely take care of myself. I had run away from home like a child. I still felt like a kid myself. My last memories were from when I was a teenager. I wanted kids someday, but way way in the future. I bit the inside of my lip.
“She’s sound asleep.”
I looked up at James. He was holding a pillow and a folded set of sheets. He was making good on his word to sleep in a separate bed. Just like he had been making good on his promises by not touching me for the rest of the evening.
“I can sleep in the guest room,” I said. “Really, I don’t mind.”
He shook his head. “That’s okay. You’ll be more comfortable upstairs.”
Wouldn’t he be too? But he didn’t look like he wanted to negotiate. Actually, it didn’t look like he wanted to talk at all. I shrugged my shoulders. “Thank you for today. For trying to remind me.”
“If you need anything, I’ll be down the hall.”
“Okay.”
He took a step and then stopped. “Sometimes when Scarlett’s scared, she climbs into bed with us. But I told her I’d be down here, so she shouldn’t be bothering you.” He looked over his shoulder toward the stairs. “It might be best if you lock the door, just in case she forgets.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind.”
He nodded. “I’m going to head to bed.”
I wanted to ask him what happened to us. I wanted to know if I was still really in danger. But he looked so tired. And sad. I knew how badly he wanted to walk away right now. So I needed to let him. The pit in my stomach kept growing. “Goodnight, James.”
His eyes locked with mine. “Goodnight, Penny.” He waited the briefest of moments before dropping his gaze down to the blankets in his arms and walking away.
I knew he was hoping a switch would go off in my head. That I’d suddenly remember. I wanted to remember. For my kids. Maybe for him too.
The apartment felt empty and cold when he disappeared down the hall. I wrapped my arms around myself. I hadn’t even realized I was shivering. And I had the oddest feeling that if things didn’t change, I’d always feel this cold and alone. But how could I change them when I barely understood the woman I had become.
I brushed away a tear as I made my way up the stairs. One of the doors that had been previously locked was open. I tiptoed toward it, almost afraid of what I’d see on the other side.
But it was just Scarlett’s bedroom. A nightlight was pretty bright in the small room, casting way more light than shadows. She was already sound asleep, hugging a stuffed animal close to her chest. I smiled. When I was little, I used to always sleep with a stuffed animal too. And with a nightlight. I was basically scared of the dark until high school.
I watched her peaceful little face. And I felt drawn to her. Like a piece of my heart belonged tucked against her chest instead of that stuffed animal. It was the oddest sensation when I didn’t even know her. Maybe my heart
remembered even though my head didn’t. I hoped that was true. I hoped that I was able to connect with her.
Scarlett sniffled in her sleep and turned away from me. I tiptoed back out of the room and stared at the door next to hers in the hall. I walked over and tried to turn the knob, but it was still locked. I had my suspicions of what it was. Liam’s room. A cute little nursery for a baby that might never even see it.
I let go of the knob and wiped away more tears. My family was broken. I needed to figure out how to fix it. I had to try.
Chapter 25
Monday
Despite what James said about our room being more comfortable, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for hours until I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed fresh air. Maybe a walk or a run. But that was probably out of the question. I shoved the blankets off and climbed out of bed.
There were still towels all over the bathroom floor where I had let the tub overflow. My note had even been on the vanity last night, mocking me. James had left everything in disarray when he came to find me. Or maybe he wanted me to see this. To remind me to stop being selfish. I knew I had been. I didn’t need a reminder.
Either way, I wanted today to be a fresh start for all of us. I grabbed the towels off the floor and headed downstairs. The last time I had done laundry, I was paying for it with quarters in my dorm. Nothing nearly as fancy as the washer and dryer here. I turned a bunch of knobs and prayed I was doing it right. The last thing I wanted was to cause any more trouble. Or water damage.
As I waited for the laundry to finish, I stared out at the skyline. The city lights were starting to dim as the sun rose. The park in the distance looked even prettier at dawn. Maybe I could get used to this. Apparently I had before. I just needed to remember.
James had mentioned a book that I had written. I had always wanted to write a book. Was it any good? I glanced down the hall. Where would it be? Probably in an office if I had one. I abandoned my view in search of the documents that would reveal everything I had forgotten.
After a few wrong turns, I walked into a beautiful library. Floor to ceiling books. Every inch of shelf space was covered. There was even a fancy stone fireplace to one side. I felt like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I turned in a circle, taking it all in.