by Lola StVil
“We can’t let Kurt’s death go unanswered.”
“Yes, but I’m not going to let Shelby’s blood be the answer,” I snap.
“I know you think I don’t care about her but I do. It seems to me like she needs this. She wants to take him down.”
“Yes, she does. But that doesn’t mean we should push her into doing it. You have no idea what that guy has done to her.”
“I know he used to hurt her—”
“Argh! It’s so much more than that, Lawson.”
“You are letting your love for her cloud your judgment.”
“Bullshit! You’re the one letting your emotions cloud this situation. You are willing to sacrifice this woman just to get your man.”
“Our man! Our bad guy!” he shouts. “ARGH! FUCK THIS.” He says bitterly, “I was trying to find a nice way to tell you, Gage—to let you see it for yourself, that we need to go ahead with this. But you’re too stubborn. I talked to the boss, he agrees. Shelby’s going in.”
“I don’t give a fuck who you talk to; you’re not sending my girl into that house.”
“Really? Then maybe the two of you need to talk because earlier today I called and…”
“And?”
“We’re meeting in the morning to prep. Shelby’s going back to Price.”
***
I enter the house and make my way up the steps. I need her to tell me this was all a misunderstanding. She can’t possibly be thinking what she’s thinking. I walk in and find her poring over paint samples at the kitchen table. She’s changing things around almost weekly. It never occurred to me to mind because she has great taste and because it makes her happy. I know a ton of guys who have had their women come in and take over. They always ended up with shit like purple curtains, tiny boxes that serve no purpose, and a thousand throw pillows.
Shelby’s taste isn’t like that. She’s more subtle and restrained. She knows when to add color and when to pull back. She has made my house a home. I asked about her style and was informed that it’s called “Transitional.” That basically means she borrows from both traditional and modern designs. All I know is that she got some sleek, modern furniture that fits perfectly with the neutral tones she chose. The house is now both modern and yet warm and inviting. She’s just what my life was missing.
That’s exactly why she can’t do what she’s thinking of doing…
“Hi!” she says with a grin as she walks up and hugs me. I hug her back, but it lacks conviction, and she knows it.
“Gage, what’s wrong?”
“Why does Lawson think he needs to see you to prep you for an op that you’re not going on?”
“Oh. I was gonna talk to you about that at dinner,” she says, trying to put distance between us by walking back to her book. Nice try. I follow her.
“You’re not going back to Price,” I inform her.
“You said that the decision was up to me,” she reminds me.
“Yeah, it was—until you made the wrong one!”
“Oh, I see. So, I can have my own mind so long as it matches your way of thinking?” she says, placing her hands on her hips.
“Oh no, you don’t! Do not make this a feminist thing. You know very well this is a bad idea. Wonder, you could get hurt,” I plead as I place a hand on her shoulder. She takes my hand off and brings it to her face and kisses it. Damn her. Just one simple kiss and my damn dick twitches.
“No! We’re not doing that. I need you to tell me that you aren’t doing this. You know how your ex is and how harmful he can be. If he suspects for one moment that you are playing him, he’ll be out for blood. So there’s no way you are doing this. No way,” I tell her firmly.
“I get that you are concerned and I will be careful, I promise. I will be just fine.”
“You can’t promise that, Shelby! No one can. I’m an agent; I know what I’m talking about. You have no idea how things could play out. You’re the size of a twig; he could just blow you away.”
“Wow, you suck at pep talks,” she says while pointing her index finger at me.
“I’m not trying to give you a pep talk; I’m trying to talk some sense into you!”
“No, what you’re doing is talking down to me, and I don’t appreciate it.”
ARGH! I take a deep breath and recalculate. I don’t want to turn this into a fight, but she can’t place herself in danger, not after everything Price has done to her.
“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to talk down to you. Okay, can we please just sit down and talk about this?” I ask.
“Alright,” she says, walking over to the sofa. She braces herself for whatever she thinks I might say.
“Babe, I know you want to help us take your ex down for everything he did to you. I’m all for that. But not if it means putting your life in danger.”
“Gage, I’m not doing this so I can get back at him. I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do. I tell my kids—our kids—in every foster program we sponsor, they have to strive to do what’s right. How can we say that to them and not live it in our day-to-day lives?”
“This is different, and you know that.”
“What I know is that agents lost their lives. And they left behind families who can only have closure knowing the person responsible has been put away. I was too weak before to stop Roger, but I’m not anymore. I can do this. And I need you to support me on this,” she says earnestly.
“You want me to tell you that I’m okay with you placing your life in Price’s hands. That’s not gonna happen.”
She bites her lower lip and tries to stay calm. “When you say it like that you make it sound like you have no faith in me. You don’t think I can handle anything. That’s insulting and unfair.”
I stand up and start to pace. “You know what, fine. Then that’s me—insulting and unfair. I don’t care. I won’t put you in harm’s way.”
She stands up and looks me in the eye. “This isn’t your decision to make. I’m a grown woman, and I have made up my mind. Now, I would love to have your support, but if you can’t give it to me, then fine. I will do it without it,” she says as she storms away.
“Damn it, Shelby! Baby, listen to me!” She turns on her heels and glares at me.
“I spent way too much time letting a man control me. I thought we could talk and come to an understanding. I thought that even if my opinion differed from yours, you’d still respect my choice and my right to make it. I’m disappointed in you, Gage Hunter. And I’m telling your mother!”
***
It’s less than an hour later when I’m summoned to the house by my mother. This can’t be happening. It doesn’t matter how many bad guys my brothers and I face or vile criminals we put away; we are never tough enough to face or skip out on Mom when she comes calling. It doesn’t matter what side of the world we’re in. She’s the boss. She has a very big heart but also a big mouth, and isn’t afraid to tell it like it is—often. I enter the house and find her waiting for me in the foyer.
“Look, I—”
She stops me. “Before you go on, you should know she’s right, and you’re wrong.”
“How is that?” I demand.
“That girl has been through hell. She needs to gain back her sense of self-worth. She needs to find a way to save herself. This helps her do that.”
“How does it help her, if she gets killed?”
“She’s not going to get killed.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because she has you in her corner.”
“Mom…”
She comes closer to me and brushes a stray hair from my face. “Tell her you support her and that you have her back.”
“Mom…”
“She’s family. That’s what family does. Tell her that or I’ll kick your ass. Don’t think you’re too grown.”
I laugh. “So what are you gonna do? Spank me?”
“I got a rifle right in that closet. Try me.” She smiles. She’s kidding—I think…
***
I go home expecting to find her there, but she’s gone. When I see a note on the fridge, my heart starts pounding like crazy. I know that she didn’t leave me for good over one argument, but she was pretty upset. A series of awful scenarios play out in my head about what could be in the note and none of them good. I remind myself that she loves me and I love her, and we’re bigger than one argument.
Great, genius; so read the note…
I remove the chrome magnet holding the note in place. And read her small, elegant, and damn near perfect handwriting.
Went for a walk. Dinner’s in the warming drawer. But I left you paper plates to eat it on—I’m still mad at you. Okay, okay, you get real plates, but the ones from Target. No fine china for you!
Love,
Wonder.
She followed it up with her signature as if I wouldn’t know who she was. That makes me smile. She’s nuts, but damn she’s my whole world.
I go down to the park where she normally likes to take her walks. I find her sitting on a park bench. I sit next to her and ask if she comes here often.
“Only when the man I love acts crazy,” she says.
“So you do come here often.”
She smiles. I reach out to her, she takes my hand, and we sit there in silence for a while. It’s nice. It’s rare that the city is so soft-spoken, I really like it.
“I’m sorry I went off on you like that. In the end, it is up to you. I just…” I sigh. I had no idea I had tears in my eyes until they spilled over—first time ever in my adult life.
“Gage…babe, what’s wrong?”
“I went to my mom’s, and she said that she was sure you’d be okay because you had me. But she’s wrong. Rose had me, and I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t save her from the disease that was eating away at her body and soul. She was my baby sister, and I was supposed to…”
“Aw, baby. It’s okay. There was nothing you could do,” she says as she cradles me in her arms. It’s the first time I ever let myself feel anything for Rose.
“I know it’s stupid, some part of me thought if I didn’t mourn her then maybe…maybe she’s not really gone…Oh God, baby, she’s gone! She’s really gone.” I sob into her, and she holds me. I knew that I would have to give in to grief eventually. I knew it would really fucking hurt. But what I didn’t know was that my soul mate would be there to help me through it.
It takes another three whole days to get Gage on board with me working with the CIA. I talked to Lawson, and we agree we need to do this as soon as possible because Gage is seconds away from changing his mind. So he arranges for us all to meet and we go over the plan to insert me back into Roger’s life.
Bot makes me a butterfly broach with the smallest camera I’ve ever seen. It will send the signal back to them, and they will see and hear everything. What’s even more impressive is that it also serves as a mini safecracker. It can read the frequency of the digital safe and if given enough time, give us the right combination to open it. I asked Bot if he could make the spy pin in a light rose colored metal. They all looked at me strangely.
“What? It goes better with the dress I plan to wear,” I argued. I lost the case. So, we’re going with the ugly black thing, but oh well.
The plan is to go to Roger’s house, talk of reconciling, find a moment to sneak away, and head to his office. They are certain the flash drive is in that safe because it’s the only one that requires his fingerprint as the first step in opening the safe. The second is that code.
Bot has Roger’s print from earlier in the week after an agent posed as a waitress in Roger’s favorite restaurant. She made off with one of Roger’s wineglasses. Bot then created a thumb made out of the same material some companies use to make sex dolls. I found that hilarious and so did Bot. However, Gage and Lawson failed to see the humor.
The first step in making Roger think I want him back was to tell Janet to slow down on the divorce and have her tell Roger’s lawyers that I’m having second thoughts. Janet and I are having dinner at this really good Chinese place I love, and when I tell her what I want her to do, she almost chokes on her egg roll.
“What the hell? Why would you back out of the divorce? Did he threaten you? I’ll have his blueberry-sized balls hanging on the damn walls when I’m done with him!” she vows.
“No, it’s not that,” I promise her. She studies me and grows concerned.
“Well, then what the hell is going on? I don’t hear from you, you don’t stop by, and what’s worse, I get no sex details about you and Gage. And so I have had to make up my own. And now you’re backing out of the divorce. Don’t tell me you fell for Roger’s shit? And what about Gage, from everything you’ve told me, he’s wonderful. Don’t ruin this.”
I place my hand on hers and smile warmly. We’ve grown close over the past few months, and I am grateful to have her.
“Okay, just between us, I’m in love with Gage, and I have no intention of letting him go. But I need Roger to think I’m going back to him. I can’t tell you why or what the plan is, so please don’t ask. But it’s imperative that he thinks I’m missing him and ready to talk.”
“Are you hatching up some half-baked plan?”
“It’s fully baked.”
“Okay, well I have about four hundred questions—which you won’t answer. But there’s only one question that I simply have to get an answer to—is Gage helping you with whatever this plan is?”
I smile but don’t outright confirm anything. I’m grateful that it’s enough for Janet—for now. But just to make sure she lets things drop, I change the subject.
“So, in your mind’s eye how’s the sex between Gage and me?” I tease.
She moans and rolls her eyes to the back of her head. She then looks back at me to confirm or deny that we are having great sex. I lean in close and say, “Whatever you’re thinking, and however good you’re making it out to be—triple that.”
“Yes!” She beams as she motions for more wine. We settle in for what I’m sure will be an evening of sex talk and yes, more wine.
***
Janet did as I asked and in a matter of hours, I was getting calls and texts from Roger about meeting me. I was fine up until that point. But something about hearing his voice rattles me. And when he set a date for me to come over, it started to really sink in. I’m going back to the house where I almost died. It took every ounce of courage I had to make it out of there, and now, I’m going back in.
That new realization hits me in the face when the team and I are at the safe house, and Bot shows a picture of my old house. I haven’t seen it in months. My mind begins to drift. Oh shit, I’m going back there, back into that house. Suddenly a pool of ice forms in the pit of my stomach. I hear sounds of screaming in my head—my screams. When he’d grab me by my hair and drag me across the floor, when I’d spend nights barricaded in the bathroom bleeding and hoping to God it wasn’t my last day on Earth. A blanket of fear and doubt washes over my whole body. I go over to the sofa and take a seat.
“Shelby, are you okay?” Bot says as I lower my head onto my knees. Lawson comes towards me too; he asks me what’s going on and how he can help.
Just then Gage enters, having secured the perimeter. He rushes over to me. “Babe, what’s wrong? What is it?”
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I was just a little hot,” I lie.
“I’ll get you some water,” Bot says. Gage catches my eyes, and I look away quickly. He knows me too well; he knows this has nothing to do with the heat. I can see him and Lawson exchanging a look between them. Lawson grabs Bot and tells him they need to get coffee.
“But we have a pot in there,” Bot says as Lawson practically drags him away.
“We need more, genius.”
“I see what this is: you want us to get some quality time in like I do with Gage. But hey, our bromance was a long time in the making. Me and Gage didn’t just happen overnight. That kind of friendship takes time,” he says as they go down the hallway.
>
We hear Lawson’s final words before they fade away. “Seriously, why haven’t I killed you yet?”
Now that we are alone, he sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and admit defeat.
“You were right, Gage, this was a bad idea. I mean in my head, it was fine. But now…”
“Now that it’s becoming real, it’s scary as fuck.”
“Yes! Just seeing a picture of that house…what if I can’t do this? What if I’m making a big mistake?”
“You listen to me; the person who made a mistake was me. I never should have doubted you. You’re the toughest person I know. I believe in you one hundred percent. Everyone on the team does. The fact is Lawson wouldn’t send you in if he didn’t think you could get it done. You got this; I know that for a fact.
“And the woman entering that house isn’t the same woman who left it. You went on your own; you made your own life and your own path. Fuck Price and whatever he thinks. He doesn’t know you like I do. He doesn’t see what I see when I look at you. He only sees a victim he can play around with. He’s wrong. I see a survivor who’s done letting Price control her life. He said you’d be alone forever; he was wrong because you have me. And you have a family now. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. But I know you got this.”
“Babe, you really think I can do this?”
“Fuck yeah.”
I smile despite myself.
“I have an idea. According to Price he has to be out of town for the next few days, right?”
“Yeah, he’s going on a conference in DC.”
“Good, you and I will go away too. That way we can clear your mind before the op. What do you say?”
***
When Shelby sees the two-story cabin, I can see the panic in her eyes. She is not the “roughing it” type. I make the situation worse by telling her she’s gonna have to help me chop wood for the fire and hunt our dinner. My baby was so fucking adorable. Although it was freaking her out, she said: “Okay, however I can help.” By the time we got up there, I had her believing that she would be roughing it so bad she’d basically be transported to the Stone Age. So when we enter the cabin and she sees that it’s modern and has everything she needs—including a fully stocked kitchen—she playfully punches me.