by Cari Z
“Hi! Hi, Edwina!” Marnie said as soon as the cartoon-like beaver got to us. “Hi! I’m Marnie. Do you remember me? You talked to my class at school!”
“Marnie Bell!” Edwina exclaimed, putting her paws on her jiggly hips. “I do remember you! And this is your sister Stephanie, right?”
“Steph,” Marnie corrected, but she was still beaming.
“And…” The beaver looked at me. Or, at least, the person who was inside the beaver looked at me—I could see there was a piece of mesh in the middle of Edwina’s smiling, buck-toothed mouth that let the wearer look straight ahead. It made the costume’s eyes slant toward the ceiling, but I don’t think anyone else noticed. “Oh my goodness, Maxfield? Maxfield Robertson?”
I recognized that voice. I hadn’t known her well before I left, but Mary Clawson had been a vocal presence at town hall meetings, most of which my father had made me attend to “get a feel for politics.” Mostly, it had made me loathe politics and all the weird, passive-aggressive ways they played out, but some people had been consistently nice, and Mrs. Clawson was one of them. She had feelings on the subject of niceness, and they weren’t always obvious ones. She’d also led the charge when it came to a recall election against my father.
“Hi, Edwina,” I said, sticking to her character even though a big part of me wanted to reach out and shake her hand…paw. “It’s nice to meet you. You can call me Max.”
“Max…yes, of course.” She pulled herself together quickly. “How lovely to meet you! Welcome to Edgewood! We’re so happy you’re here.” She handed each of the girls a crayon and a note then paused. “I…gracious. It really is very good to see you, Max,” she said more quietly. “I wasn’t sure we ever would again.”
My throat got a little thick. “Neither was I.” It was nice, in a way, to know that a few people at least had noted my absence as a negative over the years, instead of being glad to get rid of me.
“Truly, it’s…and to come and be with Hal and his family during their troubles, that’s a good thing, dear. We should—oh, yes, honey,” she broke off, turning to the little boy who was tugging insistently on her tail. “I’m coming with supplies for you, too. Don’t you worry.” She put aside Mary Clawson and got back to being Edwina. “Have fun with Santa, girls! Happy holidays, Max!” She kept walking down the line, and we obediently trudged a few feet closer to the tree.
Marnie stuck her Post-it to the floor and got onto her hands and knees, crayon at the ready. “I’m going to write my list down!”
“Go for it.” I turned to Steph, who was staring at her own blank note with a little frown on her face. “Can I write something down for you?” I asked, squatting down to be on her level. She nodded. “What do you want me to write?”
Steph bit her lower lip for a moment then said, “Write ‘Mommy.’”
Uh-oh. “You want Santa to bring your…mommy for Christmas?”
She nodded again.
“I don’t think Santa can put people in his sleigh, Steph. Is there something else you’d like?”
Tears began to well up in her eyes, and her chin trembled. “I want Mommy,” she whispered in a broken little voice, and—no.
“Okay, I’ll write it down,” I said in as soothing a voice as I could manage and wrote the word out in all-capital hot pink letters: MOMMY. Boy, Santa was going to love that. Hell, Hal was going to love that when I told him about it. He’d probably shut down and not talk about it, actually—that was his default when it came to Ariel. He didn’t want to take her calls, didn’t want to even mention her name to the girls…and I got it, I did. Hell, I was still conflicted by the very thought of talking to my dad after a decade. She’d done a number on him and the kids, especially Steph, but it was almost Christmas. If he couldn’t ease up and let his kids talk to their mother on Christmas, then when would he?
I’d ask, I decided. I’d ask Hal tonight about setting up a call with Ariel on Christmas Day for the girls. I’d tell him how Steph had asked for her specifically. A call, even with video, wasn’t the same as seeing her in person, but it was better than completely disappointing his daughter on Christmas, right? I knew both he and Dominic were still incredibly pissed at her for how she’d left, but I could argue that the holidays should be considered a very special occasion.
Ten minutes later, it was our turn to see Santa. The girls went up together, and Marnie took the lead on chatting about a dog, although she also mentioned wanting a Princess Starlight dollhouse and a jeweled butterfly tiara. Steph didn’t do more than give her note to Santa and hold her sister’s hand, but they both were pretty cheerful after they got down from his lap. Santa, meanwhile, gave me the most serious expression I’d ever seen on Saint Nick’s face and motioned me over to him.
“Did you see this?” he asked me in a low voice, pointing at Steph’s note.
“Yeah, I wrote it.”
“Are you going to do something about it?” He looked slightly hunted. “Her mother isn’t dead, is she? I’ve had two kids already today asking me to bring back dead pets. I’m freaking Santa, not a necromancer!”
I almost cracked an inappropriate smile at that. “No, she’s not dead,” I assured him. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Good. Cute kids, man, just…Jesus, that’s too heavy for me, you know?”
Did I ever. But I was resolved to do something about it.
While Marnie took Steph to the restroom, I searched for Ariel’s number in my phone. We hadn’t communicated in months, since before she disappeared on her family. I tapped out a quick message and sent it before I could second-guess myself any harder. It wasn’t much, just letting her know that if she wanted to talk to the girls on Christmas, she could call my phone and I’d pick up. I’d have to get Hal’s permission first, so I hoped she understood that.
I wasn’t expecting a quick reply, but less than a minute later, I got, Oh my god, thank you, when? I swallowed hard and sent back a time I hoped would work then put my phone away as the girls came back into sight.
…
It started to snow just as we got back home. Marnie wanted to go out back and start on another snowman—she had to add a dog to the family, apparently—but I convinced them it was better to wait for it to pile up a little more before we started trying to roll it into balls. Instead, we worked on some coloring books together before I went to get started on shepherd’s pie.
I made a lot of it, one big casserole dish for us and a smaller one for Mrs. Jackson, as a thank-you for her gift of lasagna a few nights back. I poured in the filling and coated it with a thick layer of creamy mashed potatoes then put both pans in the oven to bake a bit longer while I cleaned the rest of the kitchen up. Being back here was a stark reminder of how much I enjoyed cooking and how little of it I did in my own place.
Often, I took work home with me and ended up ordering takeout or cooking something simple. But I’d never noticed before how isolated living like that left me. I felt it here, though. Whenever I locked myself in the guest room to hash out some work, the girls’ laugher or Hal singing along with them during movie time would filter through from downstairs. At Dominic’s, I’d listen to his off-key humming as he worked on the house. I kept wanting to join them, spend more time with them, but I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to make partner.
I didn’t hear the front door open over the sound of the water pouring from the faucet, but I did hear Marnie and Steph calling out, “Uncle Nicky!”
My heart beat a little faster.
I wasn’t used to reacting this way to another person. I went on dates, sure, and I liked sex, but this anticipatory “lub-dub” leaping of my heart before I even saw the person I was interested in, before I even heard their voice or felt their hand on mine? Not the usual for me, not at all. When his hand did touch me, falling lightly on my shoulder before stroking a path down my arm, my heart kicked it up even more.
“Hey,” Domin
ic said, leaning close and kissing the base of my neck. It was a tentative sort of kiss, like he wasn’t sure if he’d be welcomed or shrugged off. I turned off the water, dried my hands, then faced him fully.
“Hi.” I took his snow-cold hand in both my warm ones and tugged him a little more. As soon as he was in range, I kissed him. He melted against me, like I’d suddenly given him permission to show me how much he liked what we were doing and how much he wanted it. I moved one hand to his waist and pulled him in closer, until our thighs brushed. We kissed again, slow and soft, and I started to get hard in my jeans.
“Uncle Nicky, are we—oooh!”
Aaand Marnie had found us. I grinned, but Dominic jumped back like he’d been burned. He didn’t let go of my hand, though, which…I definitely felt like I was getting mixed signals here. I looked over at Marnie. “What’s up, buttercup?”
“Are you guys kissing?” she demanded with both hands on her cheeks. Steph joined her a moment later, her eyes wide and interested.
“Well, we were,” I said. “Not right now, obviously.”
“Are you going to kiss again?”
“Not right now,” I repeated.
“Do you like each other?”
I waited for Dominic to pick up the reins on this one, and after a few seconds of him staring between me and his nieces, he did. “Uh, yeah. We do, Marnie.”
She looked between us. “Even though you’re both boys?”
“Yeah, we…both of us like boys. For kissing.”
“Not girls?”
Dominic shook his head. His hand in mine was trembling. “No, not girls. Not for me, at least. Just boys.”
“Oh.” Marnie thought about it for a second then nodded. “Okay, cool.”
“Cool?” Dominic seemed to deflate a little. “Really?”
“Yeah!”
“You don’t have any…questions for me or anything?”
Marnie shook her head. “My friend Sydney at school has two mommies, and when we talked about Antarctica, Mrs. Paulson said her son was a scientist down there and she wished he would find a nice boy and settle down instead of being a scientist down there, because he never comes home. Uncle Nicky, will you watch Max and Ruby with us now?”
“Absolutely,” he said. I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back before following the girls into the living room. I shut the dishwasher, turned it on, and reflected for a moment on the fact that this was the first time I’d ever been part of someone’s coming out. Not that Dominic wasn’t already out to his family, but maybe seeing him in a relationship—for a given value of relationship—was novel to the girls. Either his preferences had been solely academic before, or it hadn’t come up with them.
I was glad he’d taken the leap. Particularly, I was glad he’d taken the leap for us. It shouldn’t have made me feel as effervescently happy as it did, but it was a big step for him, and I’d been the catalyst for it. I was happy for him. Being out was a big deal for me. I’d never ask a guy to come out, but I wouldn’t go into the closet to be with someone.
Not that I was thinking about the future. At all.
Especially not here, where my deadbeat dad caused ruckuses in grocery stores just to be an asshole. Where people still spoke of the tragedy he inflicted on the town, and my name was linked by association.
Nope, not happening.
…
Hal came home half an hour later, and as he went into the kitchen to get a beer to go with dinner, I followed him. The whole house smelled delicious, savory and warm, and I figured now was as good a time as any to talk to him about Ariel. He cracked open a bottle and took a drink, set it down on the counter, then offered me a seltzer. As soon as I took it, he grabbed his beer again, tilted his head back, and drank half of it down like it was water.
Uh-oh. “What’s up?” I asked quietly.
“I’ve fucking lost my mind,” he replied, looking grim.
Oh man, this sounded serious. I set my drink on the counter and met his eyes. “What is it? Did something happen at work?”
“Yeah, you could say that. Nothing bad, just—” Hal took a deep breath, held it, then released it with a bunch of words. “I got the girls a dog.”
He…oh. Oh. “Wow,” I managed after a second. “That’s a big step. I mean, I know Marnie’s been cheerleading for one for a while, but I didn’t think you were actually going to give in.”
“I didn’t mean to.” He sounded panicked. “I had absolutely zero plans to get a freaking dog for Christmas, but one of my guys almost ran into this mutt on the road this morning, and when he went to check it out, it turned out to be a puppy—probably not more than six months, the vet said.”
Hal put his broad hand over his eyes. “She’s seriously goddamn cute, Max. Seriously. I had to spend all day with the damn thing, and by the end of it, I had nowhere to put her but here, and I know the girls would love her and I already paid for her shots, for shit’s sake.”
This was serious. “Where are you keeping her?”
“In the truck.”
I blinked. “What?”
“She’s in the truck. Right now. She fell asleep on the ride here, and I parked in the garage so she’ll be warm and…fuck.” He drained the rest of his beer. “And I don’t know where to keep her until Christmas morning. Should I just give her to the girls early?” He shook his head. “No, I can’t do that. This is supposed to be the ‘Santa’ present, right? Marnie was saying something about that. Santa doesn’t come early. Shit.”
It would be funny if Hal wasn’t actually panicking over this. “Maybe…maybe Dominic could take her for the overnights?” I winced as soon as I said it—it wasn’t my place to volunteer Dominic for anything, much less something as big as taking care of a dog, especially when I knew he had to work during the day. Hal latched onto my answer like Kate Winslet hanging onto a floating door.
“Yeah! I’ll ask him—this is a no-brainer. Nicky loves dogs. You mind asking him in here and distracting the girls for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” I headed back into the living room and motioned to Dominic, who raised one eyebrow. “Hal wants to talk to you for a sec.”
“O…kay.” He got up and joined Hal.
I settled in next to the girls for the finale of Max and Ruby—a weird fifties-ish cartoon where all little girl bunnies loved dolls and tea parties and all little boy bunnies loved mud pies and robots.
Ten minutes later, we were all sitting down to eat. Hal was more relaxed, at least, joking with the girls and asking a lot of questions about their day. Dominic was a little more subdued than he had been, though. It wasn’t especially obvious, not when Hal was taking the lead on keeping Marnie and Steph occupied, but it was noticeable to me.
After dinner, once we’d finished ice cream and the girls were headed to bed, we went out to retrieve the puppy from the truck and head to Max’s place.
Part of me had been expecting the worst—chewed seats, pee everywhere, a howling, whirling dervish of a dog. Instead, I got a white, fluffy little thing no bigger than a bowling ball—no wonder the guy had almost hit her; she must have been almost impossible to see against the white of the snow. She was sitting up and wagging her tail, not barking. There was a crate full of supplies for her in the back of the truck, which I pulled out while Dominic handled the puppy.
Once he had his hands on her, he seemed reluctant to let her go.
“Do you want me to drive?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said quietly and handed over the keys. He held the dog in his lap all the way back to his house then clipped a leash on her new collar and walked her around in front until she did her business. Once we were both inside, he brought her straight back to the bedroom with us.
“I don’t want to risk her getting into the construction supplies,” he said apologetically. I didn’t care about having the dog in the room with us, but I was
concerned about why he was kind of shutting down.
He sat down on the bed with the puppy, and I sat down beside him. I didn’t say anything, just scratched behind the little girl’s ears, and after a moment, he started to talk. “My unit in Iraq had a dog,” he said. “We actually had two in the time I was over there. The first one got an infection in one of his paws, the whole leg ended up needing to be amputated. He got sent home to live with his handler’s family. The second one…”
His hands stopped petting the puppy, went completely limp. The little dog looked up at him curiously.
“The second one was a bomb sniffer. She did a good job, a real good job, but in the end…” His eyes looked a little glassy. “The IED was buried pretty deep. She didn’t detect it. She couldn’t set it off on her own. It took people to do that.”
I could read between the lines well enough to figure out that things hadn’t gone well for the dog or the people. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged, or tried to. “It’s all right. I talked with a lot of people about it, before I got out. It’s kind of nice to not talk about it so much anymore, although it comes up pretty often in group at the VA.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I don’t miss being back there. I don’t miss the danger or the heat or most of my unit. I was never a very outgoing guy. I do miss the dogs…I could never keep one on my own, though, not with my hours.”
“Well.” My brain scanned at lightspeed for something to say. “It’s nice that we’ve got this one for tonight, then.”
That terrible line actually got a chuckle. “Yeah, I guess it is. We’ll have it tomorrow night, too. Hal can take her with him in the morning when I go to work, but he won’t make it through Christmas Eve with the puppy around. He’d give in and get her out of the garage and give her to the girls before they even went to bed.”
“You’re probably right.” Hal, at his heart, was a big sap when it came to dogs. It looked like Dominic was, too. I’d be lucky if I could convince him to leave the puppy in the crate tonight.