by Cari Z
I sighed happily. “G’morning.”
“Good morning.” Dominic kissed me again, right on the knob at the top of my spine. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.” I rolled over so I could see him. He looked…still tired. “How d’you feel?”
“Better.” It was a whole sentence of sentiment in a single word. Not perfect, but better. Getting there. “And you?”
I was more embarrassed that I’d let gossip about my dad get me so upset yesterday than anything else. “Same.”
“Good.” He smiled at me, and I couldn’t resist kissing that smile.
We were a mess, but at least we were together.
At least for one more day.
“Christmas!” Marnie shouted from the landing. “It’s Christmas! Come on, Steph!”
The girls rumbled down the stairs like a thunderstorm, breaking the peaceful quiet of the morning. I whined and pressed my face down against Dominic’s collarbone. “Oh my god. Where do they get the energy?”
Dominic kissed the top of my head. “That was nothing. Just wait a second…”
“DADDY! UNCLE NICKY! MAX!”
Yep, he was right. “Ugh.”
Dominic chuckled and tightened his grip around me. With all that happened yesterday, I was glad he was able to laugh, even if it was at my expense. “Didn’t you ever get excited on Christmas morning?”
“Not really. It’s not like I had anyone else to get excited with, you know?” I was an only child, and my parents had resolutely forbidden me from waking them before eight. “I always knew exactly what my folks had gotten me, too—it was just a waiting game in the end, not really a big surprise.”
“Hmm.” I wasn’t sure what that hmm meant, but Dominic was up and out of bed before I could ask. He opened the door and shouted, “We’re coming!” then shut it again and turned his smiling face on me. “I’ve bought us about…three minutes,” he said. “Long enough to use the bathroom and brush our teeth.”
I groaned. “Not long enough.”
“Hal will have coffee waiting, at least.”
There was that. Plus, we still had to retrieve the puppy from Phee’s, where we’d left her before the play while Hal distracted the girls. So the sooner we got down there, the better.
“Okay.” I heaved myself out of bed. “I’m up.”
Dominic kissed me, morning breath and all, then ran for the bathroom. “Dibs!”
“Ha-ha, what are we, five?” I called after him, but honestly, I liked the chaos of it. Screaming kids, holiday cheer, and best of all, a kiss from Dominic…yeah, part of me really wanted to get used to this.
We were downstairs about ten minutes later, after another rousing round of call and response. Hal, who looked about two drowsy minutes away from completely passed out, nevertheless had hot cups of coffee waiting for us on the counter, as well as toasted bagels and cream cheese ready to spread. “Merry Christmas,” he got out then winced as Dominic went and hugged him hard enough to take his breath away. “Jesus,” he wheezed in his brother’s embrace, “what’s gotten into you?”
When Dominic pulled back, he was beaming. “I’m just happy for the holiday.”
“I…do not want to know why you’re feeling so much better today.” Hal pointed a finger at me. “For the record, I blame Max.”
I grinned. “Don’t be so quick to dismiss the salutatory effects of the Christmas spirit.”
Hal made a raspberry sound, and Dominic laughed.
“Max?” Marnie took my hand, pulling my attention a few feet downward. “Are you ready to open presents now?”
I looked down at her, mystified. “Um…yes?”
“Great!” She pushed a squishy gift into my hands. “This is for you! Come on, we want to watch you open it!” She darted back into the living room.
I stared at the gift then at Hal. “Um.”
He managed a smile behind his coffee mug. “I told the girls that we couldn’t open presents until you were ready. They’re very invested.”
I frowned. “When did you have time to shop?”
“It’s called Amazon, Max. Besides, did you honestly think I wasn’t going to get you anything for Christmas even if you were still in New York?”
Honestly, I hadn’t thought of presents at all. Being here was my gift this year, and it was more than I really had a right to ask. “Thank you.”
“Max!”
“Let’s go put the girls out of their misery,” Hal said, clapping me on the shoulder as he headed for the living room couch.
I’d never quite experienced a Christmas morning like this, the kind with adults sitting around drinking coffee and watching the kids tear through wrapping paper, revealing whatever was inside with squeals of joy. It was all a bit of a blur for me—maybe because I was still tired, or maybe because my eyes were a little wet, I didn’t know—but there was a tea set involved, and several stuffed animals, and at least one Frozen figurine that both the girls were very pleased with. Then Dominic disappeared, and a few minutes later, he came through the front door with the puppy wrapped up in his jacket, and from there on out, it was complete pandemonium.
I opened my own gifts while the girls were distracted. I got a nice pair of boots from Hal, the kind that had enough tread to propel me straight up a mountain in the middle of a snowstorm if I needed them to. The girls gave me homemade ornaments fashioned out of popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners that made me wish I had a tree to hang them on.
I even got a gift from Dominic. It was a pretty big box, and when I finally got it open, I laughed.
“Do you like it?” Dominic had moved over to sit beside me.
“A roadside emergency kit?” There were reflective triangles, a new set of jumper cables, a multitool, a reflective vest, and even a rain poncho. There was more, but I’d have to dig into it later. “It’s a really good idea,” I admitted. “I was kind of unprepared for that last accident.” I nodded to the card he had in his hand. “By comparison, my present for you feels kind of lame.”
He smirked as he held up the gift card I’d grabbed for him at the hardware store. “Any help with supplies for the house is always welcome. You didn’t have to do this, though.”
“You didn’t have to get me anything, either, but you did.”
“It’s different.”
“How?” I asked—pressed, maybe, but I wanted to know. “How is it any different?”
“Because…” Dominic swallowed. “Because of how I feel about you.”
My breath caught in my chest, and I froze. Was it possible that…Dominic felt the same things for me that I felt for him? “How do you feel?” I murmured.
He bit his lower lip, making me want to pull it out of his teeth and—God, kiss it, kiss him, right here in front of the girls and Hal. He finally opened his mouth and—
My phone rang.
“Shit,” I said, reaching for my pocket. If this was the office, I wasn’t going to bother answering it, they could go and—
Ariel Bell.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
I could feel the blood rushing down my face, leaving me dizzy as I stared at her name. I’d forgotten she was calling. I’d forgotten to tell Hal.
“Who is it?” Dominic asked.
I stared from the phone to him then to the girls. They were looking at me now, too, the newly named Baby sandwiched between them on the floor with her tongue lolling out.
Five rings. Six.
She’d go to voicemail soon.
I couldn’t let that happen, not after I’d promised.
I picked up. “Hey,” I said hoarsely.
“Hi,” Ariel said, tentative. “Merry Christmas, Max.”
“Right, um, Merry Christmas to you, too.”
“So.” She paused for a moment. “Is this time still okay? Are the girls the
re? Did you—did you clear this with Hal?”
“Yeah, they’re here, but I, uh, I kind of forgot to mention this to—”
Steph bolted to her feet and ran across the carpet to me, throwing herself against my side. “Is it Mommy?” she demanded. “Is it my mommy?”
I saw Hal stiffen out of the corner of my eye.
I screwed up. I totally screwed up.
“Yeah, it is,” I said, because I was shit at lying, and what the hell, the jig was already up. Marnie joined us a second later, her dark eyes wide and hopeful. “Do you girls want to talk to her?”
Even as they both shrieked, “Yes!” Hal got up from the carpet and stalked off to the kitchen. A moment later, the back door slammed. I handed the phone to Marnie, who immediately clutched it to her ear then got up to follow him.
Dominic caught my arm before I went more than ten feet. “What the hell?” he whispered, all the tenderness gone from his expression. “Did you know this was going to happen?”
Well, I hadn’t known that I was going to handle it this badly, but… “Yes.” I held up my hands in placation. “I meant to talk to Hal about it and make sure it was okay, but with everything else going on, I completely forgot about it.”
Dominic pulled me around the corner into the kitchen. “You forgot about setting up a call on Christmas Day with the woman who abandoned her husband and children? You fucking forgot?”
“You think I wanted this? For you and Hal to get pissed at me? Shocker—it isn’t.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I really was going to tell Hal, but I got caught up with you and—”
“No, don’t you make me your excuse,” Dominic snapped and then took a step back. That he wanted distance from me hurt more than his words. “You weren’t here when she left, okay? You weren’t here for any of it. You didn’t see any of it. You didn’t have to watch my brother try to hold his kids’ lives together while his own was falling apart. He and Ariel had been together for over a decade, and she just left him. No warning, no clue, nothing.”
“I know, and that’s awful, but when we were standing in line for Santa, Steph had me write down that all she wanted this year was her mommy. And that couldn’t happen, there’s no way, I know that, but at least she and Marnie could talk to her.”
Dominic’s expression was entirely closed off.
But I forged ahead. “They miss their mother, and it sucks that she hasn’t done anything to really deserve being missed, but that’s not the girls’ fault. They shouldn’t have to suffer because Ariel made bad decisions.”
“God, you still don’t get it.” Dominic exhaled harshly and stepped back further. “They’re going to suffer more now. Can’t you see that? Because you took it upon yourself to open a door that Hal went through a lot of time and effort to shut. He was getting them over her. He had conditions for her to meet first, conditions that were put there to protect the girls, and you blew right through them so they could have this heartwarming Christmas phone call with her. The girls are going to hope for a change now, but there’s no change coming, Max.”
I didn’t believe that. I couldn’t.
“I hated my father for what he did,” I said as levelly as I could manage. “I hated that he destroyed a family, and I hated that he destroyed himself and our family along with it. I hated that, but even after my mother and I left, I still would have appreciated hearing from him. A call, a note, anything. Instead, I had nightmares over what might happen to him without us.”
Those had stopped long ago, when I realized that he was never going to reach out and take responsibility, but Ariel wasn’t my father. She was trying.
“This call with Ariel isn’t a panacea, Dominic, and maybe it’ll give the girls some ideas, but they wanted to talk to her. Isn’t there some wiggle room in the rules when it comes to making them happy with this?”
Dominic shook his head. “Maybe there could have been if you’d bothered to talk to Hal first.” The coldness in his voice carried a finality to it that I couldn’t evade.
“Dom—”
“I think you should leave for a while.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and handed them to me. “You can take my Jeep, I don’t care, but go. Hal needs some space right now.” He sighed, and now I could see emotion in his eyes again, and it was nothing but regret. “I need some space, too.”
Oh fuck.
“I’ll…” Where was open on Christmas Day? I’d have to drive to a bigger city to find a hotel that would take me…and shit, I needed to pack up. How could I pack without letting the girls know what was the matter? “Can you—distract them, um, while I go and…”
“What—no!” Now Dominic looked horrified again, in a different way. “Jesus, no, you don’t have to leave leave, just—a few hours is all. Fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair, pulling at it distractedly. “Max, it’s not like that.”
“Sure.” He was trying to be nice to me about it, and I appreciated the effort, but it was too late to take it back. They needed space because I’d irrevocably fucked up Christmas Day. “Just a few hours.”
I turned before he could waste any more time trying to apologize for something that was my fault.
…
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Not setting up the call—I didn’t regret that, not really. Maybe I should have, but what I really regretted was forgetting to talk to Hal about it. I’d blindsided him with this, and that was damaging. I didn’t want to set him up for future trouble with the girls, but reaching out to their mother was important to them. And it was Christmas. If they couldn’t get a free pass for conversation today, when could they?
I hadn’t spoken to my father since leaving Edgewood. Thought about it? Yes, many times. Especially during the first years, but less and less as I grew up. Seeing him again, though, it made me wonder. What would I say to him now?
But no, that was a dumb idea. Wasn’t it?
Would it be so bad to reach out to him? It was clear he wasn’t coping well in the aftermath of his bad decisions—instead, they were compounding, making him into a mockery of who he once was. But I still remembered the good times, the times when my father had been Dad and not Mayor Robertson who drove under the influence and got someone killed.
Maybe…maybe he’d like to see me.
Maybe it would help bring us both a little joy on Christmas.
I wasn’t as familiar with the part of town Dinah had let slip Dad lived in now, so it took a few wrong turns for me to find the place. It was a trailer park, a pretty nice one right on the edge of the forest. A lot of the homes were decorated for the holiday, and there were lights sparkling in the trees even though it was almost noon. His place was in the second loop, close to the back. There were no decorations here, and the shrubs out in front were so threadbare that the snow didn’t have enough to cling to.
I parked the Jeep behind a twenty-year-old Dodge truck covered in pockmarks from hail damage, turned off the engine, and tried to breathe. Inhale, exhale, everything was okay. I could do this. I just had to walk right up there, knock on the door, and see what happened.
I got out of the car, walked up the creaking steps to the front door, and after a long pause, knocked on the screen. No immediate response, but I could hear the television playing inside. It sounded like he was watching It’s A Wonderful Life. I smiled to myself—that had been a Christmas tradition in my house, one of the few times I could reliably count on both my parents to sit down and watch a movie with me. I knocked again. And again.
“Coming! God dammit, I’m coming already.” Steps plodded in my direction, and a moment later, the door opened up. The man standing in front of me made my breath stall. Jesus Christ…up close, it was like he’d aged thirty years, not ten.
My father’s full head of salt-blond hair had thinned so much there wasn’t even enough of it to comb over the top of his scalp. He’d gained a tire arou
nd his middle, but his face was oddly gaunt, skin hanging beneath his jawline and eyes like tiny bruised flags. He was wearing a stained white undershirt and a pair of old jogging shorts that were too small for him now, and he had a bottle of beer dangling from its neck in one hand. He reeked of alcohol, though, more than a single beer could provide.
He blearily looked me up and down with a frown on his face then said, “Who the hell are you?”
In all my worst ideas of how a meeting with my dad might go, I’d never pictured him not knowing who I was. Shouting at me, sure. Asking me for money, possibly. Guilt-tripping me as hard as he could, which had been par for the course before—absolutely. But in no universe did I think he’d be so far gone when I came face to face with him that he wouldn’t recognize me.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t find my voice, and after a second, my father snorted and said, “Look, whatever yer sellin’, I don’t…don’ fuckin’ want any, got it? S’fuckin’ Christmas. Can’t a man get a break from you vultures?” Then he stepped back and shut the door in my face.
I didn’t knock again.
Stumbling down the steps, I made it back to the Jeep and stared out the windshield for a few long minutes, wrapping my head around what had just happened. It didn’t hurt as much as it should have, maybe, but the shock of it left me numb.
I wanted to call Dominic, to ask him to tell me something good; nonsense would be fine—just to hear his voice, something warm enough to break me out of the icy shroud wrapped around my whole body. But I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have the right to seek his comfort after what had happened earlier.
Well, shit. This unplanned holiday vacation had turned out to be a complete and utter disaster. I should’ve just gone back to the city, but now I had to wait. It was way too early for me to head back to Hal’s and slink up to my room. They needed time, and now I did, too.
So I drove to the nearest trailhead. I wasn’t really dressed for a long walk, but I definitely had the boots for it. I needed to clear my head, and the park was the perfect place to do it. I hoped it would be as empty as I felt, because trying to genuinely wish someone a Merry Christmas right now? Might just break me.