by Diana Nixon
Chapter 5
August 30th, 2007
Rhea
The morning before my world collapsed started with a phone call from my best friend Kora. She never missed Sunday skating with me. She and I dreamed about becoming Olympic Games champions. But fate had different plans for my future.
"I'll be ready in twenty." I yawned.
She said something about kicking my lazy butt on the ice, then ended the call before I got a chance to defend my upcoming failure.
I sat on my bed, pushed my feet into a pair of fluffy rabbit slippers and went to take a shower. After that, I got dressed and went downstairs where I could hear mom cooking in the kitchen.
"Morning," I said, coming to kiss her.
"Morning, sweetie." She forced a smile.
Her hair was up in a messy bun, her dress was covered with coffee spots and she generally looked too tired for anything but resting in her bed.
"Are you okay? You are so pale," I said, trying to understand how bad the real situation was. Mom would never admit she didn't feel well.
"I'm fine. It's just the flu." She started coughing and dropped the cup that she had been holding in her hands. Thank God, it was empty.
The porcelain piece fell to the floor and shattered into dozens of small pieces.
"I'll take care of it," I said to her. She nodded, still coughing and sat down on a nearby chair.
I brought a duster brush and cleaned the floor.
"Are you sure you don't want to call the doctor?" I asked mom. She looked so exhausted and weak.
"It's a waste of time, baby. I know what he's gonna say. Can you give me some water please?"
"Sure." I poured the water into a cup and gave it to her. She took it with her trembling hand and took a sip. "Eat your breakfast, or you're gonna be late for skating."
I sat on a chair facing mom and gave her a worried look. I didn't want to leave her alone.
"I can stay if you want."
"No." She tried to smile again. "Go and don't worry about me. Like I said – I'll be fine."
"Okay." After she said she would go back to her bedroom and rest, I took my phone and called my father. As always, he was working on Sunday. "Hey, what time are you going to be at home?" I asked into the phone.
"Late," followed his short reply.
"Mom isn't feeling well."
"She said it's just the flu. Anyway, I should go, darling. I’ll call you later, okay?"
"K." I ended the call and sighed. Dad never was home when we needed him. Work took most of his time, including the time that he was supposed to spend with us. No amount of toys that he brought every time he missed another important day for the family could scratch out the need to see him more often. I knew he worked that much to give us everything we needed. But more than anything, we needed him.
I pushed the plate with my unfinished breakfast aside and texted Kora, "I'm ready to go." We lived on the same street, and I knew she would knock at my door any minute.
I still didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay at home in case mom needed me. But I knew her too well – she would never ruin my plans simply because she didn't feel well. For as long as I could remember, she always put me and everything about my life first.
As predicted, Kora stood at my door even before I finished washing the dishes. Unlike me, she was a very organized person. Maybe that's why she later won all the gold medals in figure skating, and I never got any.
"What's wrong with your face?" Was the first thing she asked when she saw me.
"What's wrong with it?" I muttered, pushing a pair of newly bought skates into my bag.
"You look like you just ate a lemon or something."
"It's because mom isn't feeling well and I'm worried about her."
"Oh…" Kora's face became serious. She lowered her eyes and stared at her Dockers.
"What is it? Do you know something that I don't?"
"No." Her eyes were still lowered.
"You are lying. What do you know?"
She carefully looked around the hall as if someone could hear us. In a whisper she said, "My mom said she saw your mom at the hospital last week…"
"So?"
"She was sitting in a wheeled chair, with a drip bottle hanging over her."
I frowned, feeling my heart start to beat faster. "Why would she need a drip bottle? I didn't even know she went to the hospital last week."
Kora shrugged. "If she didn't tell you anything, maybe it's nothing."
"Maybe…" My worry about mom's state grew stronger.
"Shall we go?"
I nodded. "Yeah." I took my bag and the two of us headed for the skating rink.
Needless to say, my training was a total waste of time. I fell down to my knees more often than not. And even though I was not as good in skating as my friend was, I never felt as dull as today.
"For God's sake, Rhea! Concentrate!" Our coach shouted. She was around forty, with dozens of champions grown on her skating rink. She knew I wasn't there for a medal, but she still believed it was her job to teach me how to skate well.
"Sorry, Mrs. Osmond. It's not one of my best days."
"No day can be the best if you skate like a cow on the ice!"
"Sorry again, I'll try better next time."
"Don't forget to keep your word." She gave me a warning look and left, shaking her head in disapproval. She was a perfectionist, in everything. Including teaching as worthless skaters as I was.
"Kora!" I waved for her to look at me. "I'm done for today. See you tomorrow at school." If I ever get there, considering the number of bruises I got today.
She waved back at me, and I slowly skated to the exit, hoping not to break my neck on the way. I never felt as hopeless as I did today.
By the time I got home, it was almost noon. Mom was in her bedroom.
"You're back," she said, patting a spot next to her.
I came closer to the bed and sat down, taking her hand in mine. "How are you feeling?"
"Good," she replied without hesitation.
"Do you want me to make a cup of tea for you? With lemon and cinnamon."
"My favorite." She nodded and smiled at me, even though the smile never reached her eyes.
"I'll be right back," I said and then kissed her forehead before I left the room.
When I returned about five minutes later, mom wasn’t in her bed anymore, but in the bathroom. And she was coughing again, heavily.
I opened the door and saw her leaning over the sink. Something red was in the corner of her lips.
Blood…
My whole body trembled. "Mom, are you okay?" Clearly, she was not even close to being okay.
"The doc-tor…" She said in between coughing. "Call the doctor, Rhea."
I rushed to the bedroom, took the phone and called Dr. McGowan – our family doctor. He said he'll be here in ten. I ran back to the bathroom and helped mom sit down on a chair. She didn't want to go back to bed.
"On the bedside table… There's a yellow bottle with my pills. Bring them."
"Okay." Quickly, I brought the needed bottle and gave mom two pills. "But these are vitamins," I said, reading what was written on the bottle's cover.
"They are." She nodded.
"Are you sure you don't need anything stronger than this?"
"I'm fine, Rhea," she repeated for the hundredth time that day. "Please go downstairs and wait for Dr. McGowan. Then accompany him upstairs."
"Okay."
"And call your father. Tell him I need to see him as soon as possible."
The second task was the hardest. My dad's phone was out of the coverage area, and all I got was a voicemail telling me to leave him a message.
When the doctor arrived, mom told me to leave them alone. I closed the door to her bedroom and waited outside, pacing the hall for another ten minutes or so. It felt like forever had passed before the doctor let me see mom again.
"How is she?" I asked.
"She wants to talk to you
," he said, instead of giving me any details on her health.
Without asking any more questions, I stepped into the room and my eyes filled with tears. I didn't know why I suddenly felt like crying. Or maybe deep down inside I did know the reason, but refused to accept it.
"Come here," mom said.
I wiped away the tears burning my eyes, got onto her bed and lay down next to her, wrapping one arm around her.
She kissed my hair and whispered, "I love you so much, Rhea. More than anyone in the world." Her voice trembled on the last word.
"I love you too mom, very much."
"Remember our trip to Tahoe Lake? You were seven and your dad and I were about to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We watched a documentary film about the lake and thought we needed to go there for the weekend. You didn't want to go, because…"
"I would miss my Sunday training with Kora."
"Exactly. But we told you we would show you the most beautiful lake in the world and you agreed."
"I still remember how big it was," I said, recalling the view from that day.
"Do you remember the sunset? It was magnificent: pink and purple, with the orange edges reflecting in the water. The colors spread far and wide, and it felt like everything around us was timeless. Then it was the starlight… We had been watching the sky all night long. I swear I never saw that many stars. They were so bright and magical. I made a wish that night. Do you know what it was about?"
I shook my head as a 'no'.
"I asked the sky to make you the happiest girl in the world…"
More tears rolled down my face and landed on the pillow.
"You will be happy, won't you, my girl?"
"I am happy, mom. I have you, and dad and Kora. What else could I wish for?"
"Someone who would share all the sunsets with you, hold you tight when you need it, catch your tears when you cry and make you laugh like no one else."
"What about you? Won't you be there to share the sunsets with me?"
She wrapped her arms around me and said, "I will always be with you, Rhea, always…no matter how far away the sky might take me…"
***
The sirens of the ambulance were so loud; my head ached from the sound.
I stood at the doorway and watched the car taking my mom away. She was gone, forever.
My whole body shook from tears and disbelief. My father's arms were around me, but for the first time ever, his embrace didn't make me feel better. On the contrary…
"It's your fault," I said through my tears. "You were supposed to be here with her, with us!"
"I didn't know she felt that bad…"
I pushed him away and shouted, "She died because you were never around to help her! She did everything on her own! She missed you all the time! We all did…"
"Rhea, please…"
"You are a traitor. A man who loves his family would never spend weeks away from them! And I don't care about your work or the man who turned you into his slave, I don't care about the money he pays you, I don't care about anything anymore! I just want her to be back with me… Can you or your precious boss make it happen?"
"No."
"So I thought."
I went into the house, ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room, shielding my small, lonely world from all the pain I was filled with at that moment. I wanted to die too. Because without my mom, my life couldn't go on.
***
Present day
"Don't take her away! Please don't take her away!"
"Rhea, wake up! Wake up, doll, it's just a nightmare."
Sandy shook me by the shoulders.
I gasped for air.
"It's okay, you were having a nightmare." She sat down next to me. "Do you want some water?"
"Yes," I grunted. "Please." My throat felt so dry, my heart was racing in my chest.
A memory again…
I was sure I stopped having nightmares like that a long time ago. Even when I wanted mom to come and see me in my dream, she never did. But tonight, everything looked so real. As if I were six years back, living through the moment I lost my mom, all over again.
"Here," Sandy said, giving me a glass of water.
"Thanks." I took it and drained it dry.
"You okay?" She asked worriedly.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
I'm fine…
Mom used to say it many times, even when it was not true.
"You left the party way too early last night."
I got up out of bed, grabbed a robe and put it over my cotton shorts and a top. "I wasn't going to stay long anyway."
"You mean you were going to stay as long as one dance with Jeff lasts."
"Smart as always, Sandy that goes well with candy."
She laughed. "What's wrong with your mood? Didn't you enjoy dancing with Jeff?"
"Actually, I did," I admitted, not even a bit ashamed to say it out loud. "He's a good dancer. He feels the rhythm."
"The rhythm, of course." Sandy gave me a suspicious look. "Do you have any plans for today? It's the last day before classes begin. Why don't we…"
"Sorry, I have plans of my own."
"Oh, ok. With Jeff?"
I made a face. "No. I need to go somewhere. Alone."
"Got it. Call me if you change your mind. I'll be in the library."
"In the library? You?"
"You heard me." She winked at me and I realized that reading was not the main reason for her sudden desire to go to the library.
"Who would have thought that you find nerds hot?"
Giggling, she left the room.
Meanwhile, I went to the bathroom and took a shower.
My plans for the day didn't have anything to do with finding another object of adoration.
I quickly got dressed, gathered my hair in a ponytail, put on my sunglasses and left the dorm.
The weather was sunny, but windy. I put a hoodie over my sleeveless shirt and left. The bus stop was just around the corner, so I didn't need to walk long, and considering it was an early Sunday morning, the bus I took was half empty.
Taking one of the farthest seats near the window, I opened my bag and found a diary I hadn't read it since about a year ago, when I finally decided it was time to let my pain of losing mom go. She wanted me to be happy after all, and without her, it was really hard to learn how to be happy again, but I decided to give it a try.
The first entry in the diary was from the day after she died. I still couldn't believe she was gone. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to talk to her, to see her smiling at me, at least one more time. But I couldn't have any of that. So I took a notebook that was her birthday present to me and started writing everything I wanted to tell her in person. No one else seemed to be a good enough option to share my feelings with, but those white pages became my confessionals, places where I was still happy, with mom knowing all about my days, with my failures in skating and my small victories at school. Everything I lived through was there, in the diary. Except for the year before university. It was one of the most important times of my life. I was so scared to fail the exams. At some point, I realized that I needed to focus on my future, instead of living in my past. I made one last entry in the diary and hid it in my 'memory box'. It was full of things that reminded me of my mom. I tried so hard not to forget what she looked like. I had always been scared of losing my memories of her. I kept watching videos we made together, not to mention I never fell asleep without looking at her picture and wishing her sweet dreams. I hoped now her dreams were so much more peaceful than mine…
"Final stop, young lady," the bus driver said into the speakerphone.
I closed the diary and realized that I had been reading it all through the ride to the cemetery.
"Thanks!" I shouted back and hurried to leave the bus.
As always, two weeping willows greeted me at the entrance. The trees were big and with dense foliage; you would never find a small gate if you didn’t know it was in between the two
of them.
Peace screamed into my face. Even the wind seemed to stop blowing, making the small cemetery look even more quiet and isolated. I walked through the rows of unknown portraits, until I finally saw the eyes that even years later, still looked so painfully familiar; I wanted to cry.
"Hi, mom." I sat down on a small bench facing her grave. The picture my father chose for the monument was one of my favorites. It showed mom sitting on a chair, with her chin resting on her hands. She was smiling so brightly. I always felt like she was glad to see me when I came here. "I miss you," I said quietly. Could she hear me now? I hoped she could, because there was so much I needed to tell her…
Chapter 6
Jeffrey
I wasn't going to spy on Rhea. I never considered myself a stalker, but right there and then I felt just like one. Earlier this morning I saw her leaving the room and I followed her, with the intention to only say 'hello'. When I realized that she was leaving the campus, I quickly got into my car and was about to ask if she needed a lift, when she got into a bus and I had no choice but to follow it.
The drive wasn't long, but I was surprised by Rhea's destination. When she walked through the cemetery gate, I parked nearby and waited for her.
Almost an hour later, she finally showed up. She turned around and looked at the cemetery one more time, as if she was mentally saying good-bye to someone. Then she put on her sunglasses and headed for the bus stop.
"Hey, wait!" I shouted, running after her. I couldn't let her get to the bus stop and run away from me one more time.
"What the hell?" She turned at the sound of my voice and frowned.
"I wouldn't rush with the conclusions." I smiled, breathing heavily. "I'm sure not all the people resting over there," I pointed to the gate she just walked through, "were sent to hell."
She took off her sunglasses and rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?" She gave her question a second thought. "You've been spying on me, haven't you?"
"Me? Spying on you?" I huffed, as if she just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I have…"
"Why?"
"Well… I saw you leaving the campus and I got curious about your plans for the day."