by Zandria West
‘I was meant to fucking fail. You don’t know how things work here. I need you to trust me. Don’t step in again between Paul and I, ever, no matter what.’
I can only watch in confusion as he limps away, trailing droplets of brilliant red blood on the forest floor.
8
REUBEN
It took some guts for Lana to step between Paul and I the way she did. I can’t believe she took that risk. I can’t believe she did that for me… I’m shaking with fury, but once I’ve taken a few breaths I know the fury is just the sharp edge of my fear. Lana could have been fucking killed. Walking away from her now is agony, but I don’t look back. I need some space. I can’t bear her disappointment in me. There’s so much she doesn’t understand.
The problem is, I can’t fight back. If I step up and go head to head with the Alpha – my own father’s brother – I acknowledge my place in the pack. More than that, I accept the possibility of it changing. And the last thing I want is to beat Paul. I know from the way he looks at me, he wants me to come at him. He wants me to take over from him, like my father always thought I would, before I screwed everything up.
I have no idea where I’m going, I just know I need to get some distance from everyone. I barely see my surroundings as I stride past the firepit, out beyond the ring of shelters, past the circle of trees that mark the heart of the pack’s territory, out to the forest beyond. I keep walking, trying not to think. Blood runs into my eyes and I wipe it away with my sleeve. I want to laugh. Such a fucking disappointment. To Lana, who saw me take a beating without even meeting my attacker’s gaze. To my pack who’ve disowned me and see me now: weak and cowed and clothed. I may as well have been grovelling in the dirt before them. The humiliation feels like acid in my veins.
I’m glad my father’s dead. He doesn’t need to witness this.
I look around, disorientated for a moment. The forest seems like it never changes; but go away for ten years and come back and you’ll see that’s not true at all. Trees grow. Seeds become saplings, which become wide-girthed pillars that soar up into the sky.
After ten minutes walking down a well-trodden path, I find myself at the river. I close my eyes, pull off my bloodied top and kneel down, feeling the coolness of the grass and the softness of the muddy bank. The smell hasn’t changed. If I close my eyes and breathe, it’s like no time at all has passed. I can imagine I never left. I cup a handful of icy water and splash it on my face, wash the blood clean. It stings for an instant but then it feels better. I splash my hair and my chest while I’m at it. I used to wash in this river every day. Its source is snow-melt high in the mountains, so it’s always cold and fresh. I didn’t realise how much I missed it until right now, kneeling beside it in the mud, bleeding.
This is what home feels like. The pain and the relief are both part of it.
‘So, it’s true? You’re really back?’
For a moment I think the voice is from a dream; I haven’t heard it in so long. I turn and see a figure in the shadows between the trees. I recognise her instantly, even just from her shadow.
Vera.
Shit. I was ready to take a beating when I got here, but this… this is something else again.
I rise to standing on shaky legs.
‘I’m not staying,’ I say.
She stalks up to me, as fast and graceful and angry as I remember her. For a moment she stands so close I could almost touch her. I feel the heat of her body. Then I hear the whip-crack of a slap and feel its sting a heartbeat later.
‘That’s all you can fucking say? After all these years?’
I look down at the ground. I can’t look into her eyes, which are a blue so deep it’s almost violet. I used to lose myself in those eyes. I sure as hell can’t look at her body, which I know so well, but time has made a stranger of.
‘You’re here with a girl?’
I nod.
‘A human girl?’
I nod again.
‘The fuck, Reuben? What are you doing? Why would you bring her here? And why didn’t you ever send word, or come visit, or… or anything? I thought you were fucking dead…’
I hear the catch in her voice and know she’s close to tears. I fight the urge to look up, to comfort her. I have nothing to offer her, so any comfort I might pretend would only be a perverse form of cruelty.
‘As far as you were concerned, I was dead,’ I say, my voice low. ‘That hasn’t changed just because I’m here tonight.’
‘We needed you,’ she says, reaching forward and placing a hand on my chest, over my heart. I shiver at her touch on my skin. I don’t trust myself to look at her. ‘We still need you. It’s not too late to come home.’
I feel a sudden piercing cold move through me, like some terrible shadow has been cast over the sun. I look up and see Lana standing a little distance down the path, staring at me. She must have followed me here to make sure I was okay. And then I see how it looks – Vera so close, and so naked, touching me. My heart lurches. I take a step back.
‘Lana –’ I call.
She turns quickly, but not before I see the pain written on her face. And even if I didn’t see it, I feel it humming in the bond.
Fuck. I knew coming here would be a fucking disaster, I should never have let Gabriel convince me otherwise.
Vera places a hand behind my neck and draws me closer, so the whole length of her body is pressed against mine. ‘You belong with us,’ she says. ‘Not her. Us.’
I shudder and push her away. I need to go to Lana. I need to explain – what?
The whole mess of how and why I left my pack suddenly weighs down on me, too heavy and too awful. There’s so much I haven’t told Lana. It may have happened years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. The shame of my past is something I carry with me everywhere, every breath I take. I’m scared that once Lana knows the truth about me, that look she gives me – the look of admiration and longing that I’ve started to crave – will be gone, and it won’t be coming back.
‘Anyway,’ Vera calls after me as I begin up the path in the direction that Lana has gone. ‘If you’re not planning on staying, you should at least take the opportunity to meet your daughter.’
I freeze. The world stops. I turn slowly back to face Vera, who stands there watching me, innocent-eyed, the slightest trace of a smile twisting her over-full lips.
‘What did you say?’
Her eyes narrow but her voice is light. ‘Your daughter. Briony. She’s just turned nine. She’s wild like you were, when you were her age. Stubborn too.’
My mouth drops open.
‘That’s right, Reuben. You’re not the only one who’s been busy these past few years. If you’d come back sooner, you might have known that.’
I close my mouth and then open it again. I have no words.
A daughter?
How could I have not known?
This changes everything.
9
LANA
The long grass slices my skin and the vines try to trip me. I suddenly hate this place and everything about it. In fact, werewolves in general can just go bite a rock. Which is completely unfair, I know.
I have no claim over Reuben, except through the magic Gabriel has woven between us – magic Reuben had no say in. I have no claim over his heart and certainly none over his past. But to see him like that, with that woman…
I feel like throwing up.
Jealousy. Fucking jealousy. I’ve guarded my heart against it all my life. I’ve had to, being a twin, and watching my brother win at everything. He came first in every test, every race, beat me by every objective measure. Always had more friends, more of everything. And then, at the thought of Jamie, I stop, bending over hands on knees, my heart aching so much I feel like it might break.
‘Lana?’
For a moment I think it’s Reuben and I stand upright, ready to start a fight that I will absolutely regret. But it’s not Reuben, it’s Gabriel and he looks worried.
‘
You shouldn’t wander off on your own like that…’
I scowl at him. ‘Why not? Paul said we were safe.’
‘Safe from the Grey Pack, maybe, though even for that we only have his word. But there are other forces in these woods… older and more secretive…’
I shiver, memories of my encounter with the forest spirit coming back to me. Yeah, I guess he’s got a point. I accept his arm as he places it protectively around my shoulders and draws me closer. I lean into his broad chest, take a breath and let it out, releasing some of the tension of this awful morning.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head and strokes my hair gently.
‘What’s that for?’ I ask, looking up, a shiver moving through me as our eyes meet.
‘For everything. For your courage and your heart and your ridiculous bloody recklessness…’
‘Which will probably be the death of us.’ Alex steps into the clearing too, looking around as though to make sure the area is safe, then giving me a quick, tentative grin, like he’s not sure if he is welcome.
‘Did you know that Reuben has a lover here?’ I say looking from one to the other of them, unable to keep the chill of despair from my voice.
Gabriel frowns and releases me. ‘I didn’t know that, Lana, because it’s not true. When Reuben left, he broke all ties with the Grey Pack. The only thing he has here now are memories, and many of them are dark.’
I swallow, thinking of how they were standing, her hand on his chest, their heads leaned in so close like the moment before a kiss. Even from a distance I could see that she was stunningly beautiful, and completely naked. And seriously, who in real life has an ass like that?
I shudder. ‘I saw them together. It looked like more than just memories.’
Gabriel places a hand either side of my face and turns my head, so I’m forced to look into his meltingly rich, dark eyes. ‘Do you know how long he’s been running from this place? How hard he’s fought to stay away? He swore he would never come back. The only reason he’s here now is for you. You have nothing to fear.’
‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ I say, blinking away tears of frustration at my own stupid feelings as much as anything else. ‘It’s not my business what he feels or who he loves. He’s free.’
‘No,’ Alex says sharply. ‘He’s not. None of us are. We are bound by ties of the deepest magic. That’s not freedom, not by any measure.’
‘So, you’re my prisoners?’ I say, pulling away from Gabriel and looking at Alex. My cheeks flush red as I think of how intimately I have known this man. I’m shaking with something closer to humiliation than to anger. ‘Is that what you’re telling me? You’re only with me because the magic is forcing you to be? Fuck, Alex, as if I want that...’
He smiles at me. He fucking smiles at me.
‘The opposite of freedom is not a prison, angel. It’s a purpose. It’s knowing your destiny and fulfilling it. And our destiny is to be with you. The magic just helps us make it real.’
I stand there, for a moment, unable to even take in what he’s saying.
‘Don’t worry about Reuben. There are things he has to face here that he’s run from for years. It doesn’t change what exists between you and him, it couldn’t. Now, if you’d care to accompany me back to Wolf Central?’ He gives me a deep bow, like an old-fashioned gentleman requesting my hand for a dance.
I take his hand and try my best to believe him, but I keep seeing flashes of Reuben and naked-wolf-lady and every time I do, my stomach turns.
The busy hum of activity seems to stop the instant we walk back into the campsite. I feel dozens of sets of eyes on me. Alex and Gabriel move in closer either side of me.
‘Will the werewolves turn tonight?’ I ask Alex in a whisper that I hope will be inaudible to all but him. There’s so much I don’t know about this place.
He laughs. ‘Not tonight, angel. They only shift on the moon. They’re tied to it, you see. The rest of the time they’re barely more than humans with bad tempers and too much body hair. Don’t tell them that, though.’
A heavily-muscled man with a mess of dark hair and a heavy dark beard growls as he approaches, as if to prove Alex’s point. I practise pointedly looking at the top of his head to avoid staring at what, by all accounts on a quick glance, is a very impressive… physique.
Alex steps forward to meet him. ‘If you’ve got a problem with us being here, I suggest you take it up with your Alpha.’
The dark-haired man doesn’t speak. He stands face to face with Alex, towering over him by a full head, which is impressive because Alex is by no measure a small man.
A sudden spark of fear moves through me. The man lets out another low, rumbling growl, a sound that I feel in the very pit of my belly. Alex moves so he’s standing directly in front of me, placing himself between me and the werewolf. I sense him shifting into full vampire-mode. I know this is what happens when his protective instincts are triggered. I’m fucking glad the hairy guy can’t shift into a wolf right here and now, or I’m pretty sure it would be all on. But still, he looks physically powerful and mightily pissed off. I notice a few other members of the Grey Pack starting to circle. Beside me, Gabriel looks around warily, like he’s trying to work out an exit strategy.
Okay. That’s not good.
Suddenly I feel a presence behind us.
I turn to see the alpha, Paul.
‘Andreas,’ Paul says lightly. ‘These folk are our guests until I say otherwise. Be a good lad and fetch them a drink.’
I’ve rarely seen a more deadly expression than the one that passes over Andreas’ face. I’m certain that if he had any way of killing Paul, he would have done it right there and then. But the expression only lasts for an instant before he lowers his head and turns and slinks away.
Paul turns to us. ‘My apologies. Alex, is it?’
Alex ducks his head in a low bow, a strange move for him but one that I sense is an appropriate gesture of respect to the Grey Pack’s alpha.
‘And you are the brave little human, Lana,’ he turns to me, taking my hands in both of his massive, scarred and calloused ones. He looks at me intently, and as he does, I see the resemblance to Reuben – it’s in his eyes, which are an intense, complex green. Even though I’m the one wearing clothes I feel exposed, as though he’s seeing too much of me. I follow Alex’s lead in bowing my head as much to break Paul’s gaze as for any other reason.
‘I apologise for Andreas. We’re not used to outsiders. We do not travel outside our pack lands. Reuben may have told you, young one, that you are the first human to ever set foot in this camp.’
I swallow. ‘It was mentioned, yes.’
As Paul speaks, I have the sense of dozens of eyes watching me, with levels of interest ranging from mildly curious to openly hostile.
‘There is much about you that intrigues us. Your clothing, for instance, is a novelty. That goes for all of your party, but you might understand that as a human girl you, Lana, are attracting particular interest.’ I hear laughter in Paul’s voice.
I look sideways at Alex. The quick grin I see lighting his face doesn’t help me at all. ‘Um, I’m happy to answer any questions that your pack might have about… about humans and our world.’
Paul’s eyebrows rise. Oh geez, I hope he’s not going to ask me to take my clothes off. I don’t want to offend them, but I’m really not ready to strip off in front of dozens of extremely curious werewolves.
Then he laughs. ‘That is a kind offer. And it’s okay, Lana. You may keep your clothes if they give you comfort. Though you should know that they don’t offer you the security or privacy you imagine. We perceive as much from your scent as we do from looking at you with our eyes. More, maybe.’
‘Oh,’ I say.
Well that’s great. Considering the amount of nervous sweating and angry sweating and tired sweating and jealous sweating, and just generally releasing stinky bodily emissions I’ve done since we’ve arrived, I’m sure my scent gives them quite the pict
ure.
‘Here are your drinks,’ Paul says.
I’m startled to see that Andreas has actually done what he was told. He walks back to us, head lowered, avoiding eye contact but carrying two bottles, one of which he passes to me and the other to Alex.
‘Thanks,’ I say awkwardly. I raise the bottle to my lips and take a sip only to explode into an uncontrollable fit of coughing as soon as the liquid touches my tongue. I have no idea what the drink is, but it’s stronger than anything I ever tasted at Hell on Earth – and some of their cocktails were classified as deadly weapons. I only conclude that it’s not actually poisonous by the way Alex sips then closes his eyes and nods, like it’s just what he needs.
It seems very early in the day to be drinking something that could easily be used as paint-thinner, but this is werewolf territory and it’s been a bloody awful morning so far, so I’m sure as hell not going to refuse their hospitality.
‘Welcome to the Grey Pack,’ Paul says, putting a powerful arm around each of our shoulders and pulling us close. I look up and see the way Andreas watches us. His eyes are angry and hard. In the far reaches of the campsite the werewolves that had been circling are standing in small, silent clusters.
I steady myself and take another dizzying sip.
Here’s to surviving the next twenty-four hours, I think.
10
REUBEN
I can’t fucking believe it.
Vera is gone now. Her parting shot struck its intended target – my heart – like a bullseye.
Could it be true? Could she be making this up as a way of getting back at me for leaving? I shake my head. Surely even Vera wouldn’t lie about something like this.
A daughter?
I pace the river’s edge. I’m not sure what I feel. I turn and punch a tree trunk. The jolt of pain burns in my knuckles and aches its way up my arm to my shoulder, helping to settle me and clear my head. Pain is a form of communication for the Grey Pack. Want to tell someone something: hurt them.