by Zandria West
‘I tried to stop her from hurting you,’ Jamie says.
‘Too goddamn late,’ Reuben snaps. I’m pretty sure that he’s fantasizing right now about tearing my twin brother’s head off, and I’m not entirely sure I don’t want him to.
I turn to Graciela. ‘How did you find him?’
She smiles. ‘What do you mean? I always knew where you were. Both of you.’
I feel stunned. Shock slowly deepens into a sense of betrayal.
‘Hang on, you mean all these years you knew where we were? You could have made contact, come and seen us, sent a message of some kind, anything, at any time?’
Graciela nods. ‘You understand why I didn’t, though, don’t you Lana?’
‘Because of you,’ Jamie says. ‘If you want to talk about who’s responsible for what, why don’t you talk about that for a moment, Lana. It’s because of you that I haven’t seen my mother for my whole entire fucking life.’ His eyes are narrowed and his words are hard.
‘It’s not her fault,’ Graciela corrects him. ‘If anything, it’s mine. I sought the Key. I found it. I had not imagined what finding it might mean. So much of what we do, we do in ignorance of the ultimate outcome, the role that our actions will play in the larger picture. If we all knew in advance, the choices we make might look very, very different.’ She looks to my brother and then to me.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jamie says finally. I blink, trying not to show the shock I feel. It might just be the first time I’ve ever heard my brother apologise for anything. ‘You’re right,’ he continues. ‘It isn’t Lana’s fault. I just… I wish things had been different.’
‘As do I,’ my mother sighs. ‘But here we are. Together again, at last.’
I frown. ‘Tell me, Jamie. What happened? I thought you were dead. How did you escape Garenda?’ As I look more closely, I see a pale scar, one I haven’t seen before, running down one side of his face, from the temple to the hard line of his jawbone.
‘I… I don’t really remember,’ he says. ‘I honestly don’t remember much after you arrived that day. I did what she told me to do. I believed every word she said.’ He casts a wary look at Alex, Reuben, Gabriel and Grayson. He should be wary, I think. He tried to fucking kill half of these men. ‘Clarissa said you’d been possessed by demons. That handing you over to her would be my only chance to free you from them. Looks like that plan failed.’ He gives me a cold, lopsided smile. ‘By my count, there are even more of them now than last time I saw you.’
I take a deep breath. I can’t tell how much of what he says is true, and how much is a performance, designed to win Graciela over, to fool me into trusting him again. I shake my head. Never. I will never trust him. Not after what he did. He took advantage of my trust to hold me captive, to make me powerless before Garenda. I have never felt so helpless in my life as I did that day. I never want to feel like that again.
‘I’m sorry. Turns out I’m not hungry after all. Enjoy your breakfast,’ I say, then push my chair away from the table and stand. I hear nothing but silence behind me as I walk back to my bedroom, close the door, lean my back against it and ball my fists.
I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.
10
LANA
The knock at the door is tentative. I don’t need to ask, but old habits die hard.
‘Who is it?’
‘Ze demon with ze fangs.’
Alex.
I open the door and close it again after him.
He presents me with a plate piled high with fresh fruit and pastries, and a mug of strong black coffee. ‘I know you’re not hungry, so don’t consider it as food to eat, try thinking of it more as a spiritual experience of union with the fruits of Mother Earth.’
‘Fuck no,’ I say. ‘I’m starving. I just couldn’t eat with that asshole sitting across from me.’
Alex feigns shock. ‘Hey, I know Reuben’s been moody recently but give him a break, he’s going through a lot right now…’
It’s a lame joke, but I appreciate that Alex is trying. He places the plate carefully on the bedside table then flops down inelegantly onto the bed, stretching out and wriggling until he’s comfortable.
I shove a pastry into my mouth and chew angrily. I’ve read a million magazine articles about how bad for you it is to eat when you’re angry, but fuck them I think, and chew harder.
‘You’ve really got some rage going there, sweetness,’ Alex says mildly, picking up and then putting down the fluffy, pink pillows that sit along the edge of the bed.
‘Don’t you? You were there, Alex. You remember what he did. And now he just shows up, and she welcomes him…?’
‘Is this a twin thing?’ he asks, giving me a lopsided frown. ‘You’re jealous, fighting for Graciela’s attentions?’
‘This is not a twin thing. This is a my-brother-nearly-fucking-killed-me thing, Alex. Jesus. And to think I ever trusted him.’
I wash the pastry down with coffee, which makes me shudder, but in a good way.
‘Jamie meant well,’ Alex says mildly. ‘I mean, obviously I wouldn’t have said that at the time when I thought I was going to die. But in retrospect. He probably thought Reuben and I were planning to sacrifice you to the Dark God or something. He’s heard whatever he’s heard about demons, and to be honest a lot of it is bang on. There are a lot of folks from the demon realm who you wouldn’t want dating your twin sister. He thought he was protecting you. And you know Garenda, she has a special knack of leading guys by their dicks.’
I scrunch up my face. ‘Ugh. Please don’t talk about my brother’s dick.’
‘I was thinking of your dad’s, actually.’
I put my hands over my ears. ‘Alex, I know you’re trying to be helpful but for the love of all that is holy, stop.’
‘Seriously, Lana, think about it. If Garenda could fool your father, a highly intelligent man with years of life experience and encyclopaedic knowledge of just about everything under the sun, then it’s hardly surprising she managed to wrap Jamie around her little finger, is it?’
‘That’s different,’ I say.
‘Hmm,’ Alex says thoughtfully. ‘Anyway, I’m not saying I don’t think your brother is a complete turd, I’m just saying it must be nice for your Mum to have you both together with her for the first time since you were born.’
It takes me a minute to work through the double negative, but once I do, I groan with frustration. ‘You don’t even like Graciela. You sure as hell don’t trust her. Why the sudden concern for her feelings?’
He shrugs. ‘I guess it’s just being here in the human realm. Something about it is starting to wear off on me. I’m remembering things, you know, that I haven’t thought of in decades. I start to see the value of forgiveness…’
I put my cup down and look at him.
‘Remembering things… do you mean from before?’
I don’t have to spell it out. I can tell from the look on his face that he knows exactly what I’m asking. He nods, then looks away. I feel paralysed. I desperately want to know more – about who he was as a human and how he came to be a vampire – but I don’t know if it’s something he’s ready to talk about yet or not. I’m not even sure if I should know. What difference does it make? Whoever he was, that person is gone, and the man who stands before me is the one I love with every beat of my heart.
He looks back at me, his eyes widening.
Oh crap, he heard that.
‘Me too,’ he says, and grins. ‘I mean, my heart doesn’t really beat, but other than that…’
I frown. ‘You too what?’
‘What you said,’ he waves his hands helplessly. ‘I didn’t want to leave you hanging with that thought on your own.’
‘What thought?’ I say, frowning harder, like I can frown away the awkwardness of the moment.
He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. I let out a breath, and grin. Somehow, the rage I felt before has gone, evaporated like the mist from the jungle under the glare of the
midday sun.
‘Do you think things will ever just be normal,’ I sigh.
‘Normal, like…?’
‘I don’t know. I mean that’s the problem isn’t it. What is normal? You and me and Gabe and Grayson and Reuben. But after this. After all the running and the terror and the anger and impossible tasks. Once we’ve saved the world. What do we do then?’
I see Alex swallow, the polished alabaster of his throat moving sharply. Something stirs inside me, but only for a moment. ‘I don’t know, angel. I haven’t really managed to think that far ahead.’
‘The Barrier will be strong when it’s remade. There probably won’t be too much call for chasing stray demons.’
‘No, I guess not,’ he says.
‘But you’ll all be able to come and go as you choose. I talked to Graciela about it. The right of passage will continue, even after the re-making. The Circle of Witches will be sure to grant it to you. You could come and live on the human side of the Barrier, with me?’ I don’t intend it that way, but my voice slides up at the end of the sentence, turning it into more of a plea than a question.
‘That is certainly an… interesting proposition,’ Alex says.
Somehow, I can’t make myself stop talking. ‘We could live somewhere near the mountains, so Reuben can run off whenever he needs to. With a huge room full of books for Gabriel to read and a sex-dungeon for Grayson and a fully-functioning bar for you…’
Alex clears his throat. ‘A sex-dungeon?’
I gesticulate wildly. ‘It’d be great. Something for everyone. Fun for all the family.’
Alex looks away and my heart falls. What am I thinking? I can’t imagine them happily living with me in some house somewhere, even a house with an awesome library and a sex-dungeon. They live for the adrenalin of the hunt, for the sense of purpose it gives them. What will they do when their hunting days are over? What role could I possibly play in their lives?
‘My family ran a distillery,’ Alex says out of the blue. I open my mouth and then close it again. ‘It was on the banks of the River Glyde. The water that flowed down from the mountains and fed the river was snow-melt, crystal clear and perfectly pure. Our whiskey was famous, sought after in all corners of the world. I was meant to take the business over from my father. I was his only son. He burnt it all down.’ He shakes his head. ‘After I was turned. He learned what had happened to me and took it as a sign that the God of Light was displeased with his choices in life. He set fire to a lifetime’s work, like that might bring me back…’
I want to touch Alex, to hold his hand or stroke his hair, to comfort him for the life he lost. I don’t, though. I sit still and quiet. I think if I move, I’ll break the spell and he’ll stop talking.
‘When he realised that it hadn’t worked, that there was no way I could return, he decided the bottle was his best friend after all. He drank himself into an early grave.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
Alex’s jaw works. Finally, he gives me a grim, sad smile. ‘Probably would have happened pretty much like that regardless, though. He always was a terrible one for leaving the lamps burning, my father. The flame was bound to catch eventually. And whatever happened, whether good or bad, the bottle was always the thing he turned to for celebration or consolation. Losing me just sped the process up a little.’
I feel flustered. Had I offended Alex, by telling him the bar in my imaginary house was for him? If his father was an alcoholic, it might be a sensitive topic.
‘I’m sorry if I…’ I start, then stop. I try again. ‘I just… I know that you like a drink…’
He laughs, a proper laugh this time. ‘Angel, if you had suggested we live in a house without a functioning bar, then I might have taken offence. I’m not my father. And I may no longer have a human life to live, but that won’t stop me from enjoying the one I’ve got to the very best of my capabilities. And in case you were wondering, that means with you…’
He leans across and pulls me towards him, sweeping me into a tight embrace on the bed. I bury my face into his shoulder, breathe in the scent of his body. I want to hold him like this forever. I don’t want to ever let him go. It’s strange to be this close to Alex and not be tearing my clothes off, but something about the conversation we just had has left me feeling raw, and the closeness is a comfort rather than a provocation. I think that for about ten seconds, then Alex’s fingers feather lightly down my back, over my waist and onto my butt. He squeezes.
‘Though I am offended that you’re suggesting the sex dungeon is for Grayson and not me…’
I try to respond but all I manage to do is let out a low groan from somewhere in the depths of my throat. To my surprise, Alex laughs and kisses my cheek, brushing my hair back from my forehead.
‘Sorry angel. I was actually sent to let you know that apparently there’s some ceremony thing that Graciela needs you to go to tonight.’
I frown as the lightness I felt a moment ago drains away. ‘A ceremony? Like, a Goddess-Izushi type ceremony?’
Alex shrugs. ‘Something like that, I guess.’
Brilliant. I should have guessed.
So much for my “day off”.
‘It’s not until later, though, so I don’t think there’s a huge hurry…’ His hand moves down my body again and I close my eyes and wriggle closer to him.
Maybe today won’t be a complete waste after all.
11
LANA
After Alex finishes with me, I sleep for a few hours. When I get up I find Grayson and Reuben working on a jigsaw puzzle in the loungeroom. It reminds me of the one I found in their safe house in Darktown, what seems like a lifetime ago. Having something to focus on helps my nerves. I spend the afternoon sorting through identical pieces of sky. Graciela is absent during the day and doesn’t join us at dinner. Jamie slouches around the house, but mostly keeps to the room Graciela has given him, where I hear the blaring sound of the satellite TV. Whatever, I think.
After dinner, Gabriel tells me to put my shoes on and we head out into the forest. The magic of the protection spell shivers across my skin as we pass over the spell’s boundary; it’s almost like walking through a fine mist. I can’t help but feel suddenly vulnerable as we leave the protective magic behind. It’s the first time I’ve travelled any distance since the day I went to the village, though I know the men have been taking turns to venture out on watch, to make sure that we’ll be aware of any demon forces in the area. The sky is dark, and the full moon is glowing huge and yellow.
I trail behind Gabriel, who’s walking quickly with long strides. He doesn’t show any sign of slowing to make it easier for me to keep up.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask.
‘You’ll see.’
I frown and increase my pace, longing for my bed and sleep.
I dimly make out that we’re approaching a clearing, but it’s only when we’re almost there that I see a figure waiting at its centre.
‘You took your time.’ My mother’s voice rings out, sharp in the stillness.
‘Well, we’re here now,’ Gabriel says, an undertone of frustration masked by the usual respectful restraint he shows in all his interactions with Graciela. ‘Is everything ready?’
‘Everything? What kind of everything?’ I say, looking from one to the other of them.
‘It is,’ Graciela says, ignoring me. ‘And Alex was sure about what he heard?’ she asks.
I stop and turn to Gabriel. ‘What is she talking about?’
‘You have been undergoing a kind of… metamorphosis,’ Gabriel says slowly. ‘Your training is similar to that given to apprentice witches, except theirs lasts for years and you have only a few weeks. Alex’s task has been to use his mental connection with you to monitor your dreams.’
‘He’s been doing what?’ I say, a cold fury building inside me.
‘It was on Graciela’s command. It is important that we are able to track how you’re responding to the changes. We didn’t tell you becaus
e if you’d known, your own awareness of the process might have made it harder to read. We didn’t want you second guessing yourself. In particular, we needed to know when you might be ready for this final stage...’
‘Final stage? What are you talking about?’
‘It’s called the Sealing. It is for your protection,’ Graciela says shortly. ‘We’ve had word. The Circle will meet next week, Lana. You must be ready.’
Next week.
My heart races. It’s too soon. I won’t be ready. I can’t do it.
Gabriel puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me to face him. ‘Your progress has been incredible. The Circle will do all they can to help you. I promise, we would not send you if we thought you were not ready.’
I feel strangely numb as I follow Gabriel into the centre of the clearing where Graciela is waiting. The ground has been disturbed. A large, intricate symbol, one that I’m sure I’ve seen in Gabriel’s book, has been dug into the dirt. As I watch, the symbol flickers and points of light begin to glow. Graciela stretches her arms out, her lips moving in silent incantation. A shiver prickles my skin.
‘Lana,’ she says finally. ‘This is sacred ground. We’re standing at a place where rites of Sealing have been performed since ancient times. I will speak the words. It is a request to the Goddess for protection and mercy, part of a much longer ceremony which is performed when a witch begins her work. It is designed to help shield the caster of spells from the spells she casts. I think we shall skip the rest of the ceremony, but this I see as essential. You must dedicate yourself and your magic to the Goddess.’
I swallow. ‘Um, okay.’
It all seems theoretical to me, because as far as I’m aware, whatever magic I have access to is somewhat random and only exists because I’m able to draw on Gabriel’s much stronger powers anyway. I’m still not convinced that I have any real magic of my own, no matter how many occult texts I stare at or how many times I breathe without getting distracted. But sure, fine. If it helps keep me safe when I attempt the Barrier spell, then that’s a good thing.