by Zandria West
I cross my arms over my chest and look away. All this time and this is the first discussion we’ve had of the exact details of how I’m supposed to kill seventy-three innocent people.
Graciela has told me that she has prepared a potion to enact the sacrifice. My task will be to convince the villagers to drink it, knowing that it will cause death. The knowledge and the choice are what determines the quality of the Sacrifice. Their deaths will be painless, the gentlest you could hope for Graciela says, though my stomach turns at her words. At first, they will feel nothing. Their breathing will slow. Their bodies will be heavy and relaxed. They will be awash with a sense of euphoria, drifting in a state almost like sleep but dreamless. By the time their hearts cease beating, they will have already left the last vestiges of conscious life far behind.
I think about what Garenda told me – that these deaths are not necessary. Could what she said possibly be true? Or was it another one of her tricks, designed to fool me into breaking the Binding and failing to complete the Barrier spell? When she was speaking to me, Garenda believed my life was over, I remind myself. She thought I would die then and there, lost in the darkness. Saying what she did was just one more means of torture in the final moments of my existence.
‘I know this is hard, Lana, but it is necessary,’ Graciela breaks through my thoughts. I realise that she’s waiting for me to say something. I meet her gaze.
‘Is it?’ I ask. ‘Is there really no other way?’
‘Why do you ask? After everything we’ve discussed, after all you’ve seen…?’
I grit my teeth and tense my hands into fists. I need to know the truth.
‘When Garenda trapped me at the Jaws of Death...’ I begin, and I see Graciela’s face grow shadowed. She doesn’t speak, just waits for me to continue.
‘She said… she told me…’ I close my eyes. ‘She said that there was another way to power the Barrier spell. A way that wouldn’t require the death of all those people.’
‘And what did Garenda say that other way was?’ My mother’s voice is tight with fury.
I take a breath and let it out. ‘The Binding. Gabriel’s magic. If I give it up, it can be channelled into the Barrier spell. The magic is powerful and deep. He is the son and heir to the Great Witch –’
‘I know who Gabriel is,’ Graciela snaps angrily. ‘And did Garenda share anything else about this suggestion of hers?’
I open my eyes, feeling dizzy and light-headed to have finally said the words. I shake my head.
‘And did she say why exactly I would not have told you of such an option, should it in fact exist?’ Graciela asked.
I shake my head again. I don’t want to repeat what Garenda said to me. I don’t want my mother to think that I might, for a moment, have believed her.
Graciela frowns and looks away. ‘I suppose there is some small chance it might succeed,’ she says finally. ‘But the chance is small, and the cost would be great. For I do not think it would just require the magic of the Binding, Lana. There must always be a living Sacrifice for magic of this potency. To complete the spell would also require your life. In fact, I think it’s likely the magic wouldn’t wait for you to offer – it would draw on your life force until there was nothing left of you.’
‘I’m prepared for that,’ I say. Graciela blanches at my words. I continue, my voice stronger. ‘Don’t you think I’ve always known I might not survive this?’
I see her compose herself, her expression becoming stern and hard. ‘Putting aside the question of whether you live or die, we have only one shot at remaking the Barrier, Lana,’ she says. ‘One shot. If we fail, we lose. Do you want to risk it? Do you want that decision to rest on you?’
‘But why didn’t you at least tell me there might be another way? The decision does rest on me, so it’s only right that I know what choice I’m making.’
‘Because I cannot bear to lose you, Lana!’ The words rush out and then Graciela looks shocked to have spoken then.
My mouth gapes open. She looks down at the floor, shakes her head.
‘I do not want to lose you,’ she repeats, and I see tears filling her eyes.
Darkness fills me. ‘Don’t you understand? You lost me before I was even born. I’m not your daughter, my life doesn’t matter. I’m the Key. Nothing more.’
‘Don’t say that…’ Graciela starts, but I can’t listen to anymore.
She lied to me. How can I possibly trust her?
I turn and leave the room.
I desperately need to get some perspective, so I make for the forest path that leads up the steep mountain slope, away from the village. I pass through the humming shield of magic that surrounds the house, and once I’m through to the other side I feel lighter. My thoughts are less crowded. I concentrate for a moment on smoothing the Binding, stopping anything from passing through that will alarm my men or cause them to come after me. In the back of my mind I’m aware of all the dangers I’m exposing myself to by heading out into the forest alone – hellhounds, demon armies and more – but since I’ve been training so hard, and since we all shared blood, I can actually feel power pulsing through me. I don’t feel scared, I realise. Not about what might happen to me tonight, at any rate.
It’s a warm, sticky evening with the promise of a storm not far off. Rolling dark clouds fill the sky, and a light wind swooshes through the leaves, making the branches toss and sway. I climb away from the house, following the narrow dirt trail upwards, not really looking where I’ve come from or where I’m going. I let the rhythm of walking settle my thoughts, the burning muscles of my legs focus my mind. Breathe in. Breathe out. A couple of weeks ago I’d have been struggling to breathe at all climbing a slope like this, now it feels easy.
I do not want to lose you.
Graciela’s words come back to me, and I feel an echo of the shock I experienced when I first heard them. She holds everything so close, shows so little of what she’s thinking and feeling. She’s the last person I’d imagine who would let her judgement be swayed by her emotions, but from what she said, that’s exactly what has happened.
It’s a relief, in a way, because it means that I know Garenda was wrong about her. If Graciela kept this option back from me, it wasn’t because she wanted the power it might give her, it was because she wanted to keep me safe.
Safe. A queasy feeling twists in my gut.
Doesn’t she realise that if I do this thing she’s asking me to do – if I convince so many innocent people to give up their lives – there will be nothing left of me at all? Whether I live or die will be irrelevant.
I think of Grayson for a moment. He could take the pain from me. And he’d do it if I asked him, I know he would, at a terrible cost to himself. But I would never ask him. This isn’t a headache or a stubbed toe. There must be some balance in the universe – the weight of all those lives lost rests with me.
I’m some distance from the village now. Graciela’s house is obscured by darkness. I know exactly where it is, though, because I can feel the pull of the Binding emanating from it. I slow my walking and look around. The forest seems more ancient here, the trees tower immensely tall, their trunk and branches wound with trailing vines. It’s peaceful – despite the unceasing humming of insects and the piercing calls of night birds high above. I’ve come far enough. I can take a little time to rest and to think. There’s a mossy boulder ahead which looks like it would make a good seat. I clamber up onto it and settle myself, gazing out across the dark slope of the mountain to the plains stretching below. In the distance I spot a glimmer of light that hints at the moon rising above the ocean beyond.
Whatever I choose, I must choose soon.
The Sacrifice is due to take place tomorrow at dawn. The timing must be exact, in order to gain the assistance of members of the Circle of Witches scattered around the world – I learned that those who we saw at the meeting were only a few of the members, the rest will do what they can to help from wherever they are. Many have been stat
ioned in distant parts of the human realm for months on end, guarding the places where the Barrier is weakest to prevent incursions from the demon forces. They are desperate for the spell to be remade; their energy is almost spent.
Whatever choice I make – and I still have no idea which decision is the right one – there is no guarantee that I will survive. I wrap my arms around myself, a sudden cold shiver passing through me. If any of my men wake, they will be worried. They will want to keep me close on this last night. But I’m scared that if I’m with them now, I won’t have the strength to let them go. When it comes time to cast the Barrier spell, there must be nothing holding me back. Not a shadow of hesitation. Not a flicker of doubt. I must harden myself, so that I can face whatever’s coming.
What I did with them tonight – that was for them, not for me. I just hope that, when I’m gone, the bonds of love and brotherhood between them will protect them and keep them strong.
I close my eyes, hot tears trickling onto my cheeks, and pray for wisdom. That is all I want. Wisdom to make the right choice. When I open my eyes again, I gasp. The air seems to shimmer. All around me, hundreds upon hundreds of brilliant blue butterflies are fluttering in the light of the rising moon. They look like the illusion Graciela cast when I appeared before the village, but these are real. They are incredibly beautiful. Some land on my arms, their tiny feet tickling my skin. They hold their wings steady, and I’m captivated by the iridescent sheen of blue, like fragments of the deep summer sky. And then, it’s as though I’m watching a master illusionist at work, the mass of butterflies takes shape and a moment later, it’s as though they drop away, revealing a woman. She has dark, curling hair and golden skin, and she wears a shimmering blue gown which catches the moonlight and breaks it.
I know, without knowing how, that this woman is not human. She’s powerful, but her power is not magic as I know it. She’s no witch or sorceress, not a demon or an angel.
Lana, her voice fills the air with a crackling hum that makes the hairs on my arms stand up on end.
‘Izushi –’ I breathe.
As soon as the word leaves my mouth, I know that it is true. I’m in the presence of a goddess. And if I know anything about deities, there’s every chance she’s going to be mightily pissed at me for letting people think that I’m her, as well for as any number of other sins that I’m probably not even aware of.
My legs fail me. I drop to my knees and lower my head to the ground.
24
LANA
‘For goodness sake, get up.’
Rather than enraged, she sounds amused – if a little impatient.
I seriously contemplate not moving at all, but a gentle prodding sensation in my shoulder shifts me. I look up, trying not to gape. She’s a fucking goddess. Light is flowing from her, the butterflies are spiralling and dancing in the air around her, her eyes shine like gems, and her gaze seems to not just see me, but to see through me, as though every thought I’ve ever had and could ever have are laid bare before her.
‘So, you’re the one,’ she says, raising a perfect eyebrow.
‘I’m sorry –’ I stammer. ‘I never meant to trick anybody. I swear. I was just trying to find my mother. And then we walked through a tunnel and came out the other side and everybody was waiting, and they thought that I was you…’
‘Please, don’t apologise. Who do you think ensured that the painting of you and your consorts was inscribed on the cave wall in the first place? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you?’
I gape, then swallow, then gape a bit more.
‘Ah, waiting for me?’ I finally manage to say.
‘Of course. Through you, my purpose is fulfilled.’
‘Your purpose?’ I ask, unable to do more than just repeat her own words.
I feel a humming in my ears and dizziness threatens the edges of my vision, as though some tremendous force were bearing down on me.
Izushi sighs. ‘Sometimes I think all I want is to take form and walk upon the forest floor again. To feel it, smell it, to taste what it is to live. Do you know how lucky you are, mortal? Your life is brief, barely a flicker, but rich beyond measure…’
I can hardly imagine that a goddess would be jealous of my life. I’ve spent most of it messing things up, experiencing the full gamut of uncomfortable emotions ranging from embarrassment, to fear, to anger, and losing the things and people that I most love. Throw in a stint in a demon torture chamber and some excruciatingly bad blisters, and you’ve got 99 percent of my life pretty much covered.
‘I know what it is like to be adored,’ the Goddess whispers. ‘But only through awe and fear, the way wind or rain or sun are adored, as a force of nature, a force beyond nature. But you – you are loved, Lana. Love, I do not know. I have never truly experienced it. It has been so long since I walked the earth, I am barely the shadow of a memory…’
‘That’s not true,’ I say frowning. ‘The people here love you. They have been keeping your memory alive for thousands of years. They’re ready to die for you. Didn’t you know that?’
I watch as the Goddess closes her eyes, an expression of pure joy crossing her face, and I shudder.
Is that what she wants? To have people demonstrate their devotion through willingly dying for her?
‘I can smell him inside you,’ she says finally, her voice little more than a whisper. ‘The Dark God, the banished one… he is close now, waiting for his chance…’
I sit up straighter, for the first time feeling a shiver of fear move through me. Perhaps that is her purpose – to vanquish the Dark God once and for all by killing me now, before I’m even able to remake the Barrier?
Then I see a small smile play on her lips. ‘We were lovers once, you know,’ she says. ‘He and I. Our lovemaking set volcanoes erupting and caused waves that washed away cities. Things were not always as they are now, so divided, so broken. There was a time, in another age, when dark and light could play together. It was humans who ruined it, as they ruin all…’
‘We’re only trying to protect ourselves,’ I say, feeling the need to defend humankind. ‘The Barrier prevents demons from overrunning the human world. It keeps us safe…’
‘When did you last feel safe, Lana? I’m not asking about humanity as a whole, but about you? When was the last time you felt completely safe?’
I close my eyes, a vision passing through my mind unbidden, of being held by my men – the moment before I left for the Circle of Witches with Graciela, when they surrounded and encircled me, embracing me and one another.
‘I thought so,’ she said, raising an eyebrow, clearly reading my thoughts. ‘You’re like me, my child. You like playing with the Darkness.’
‘That’s different. My men are bound by deep spells to protect me. That’s why I feel safe with them. They are compelled by magic.’
‘And by love,’ she says, her voice husky with longing.
I turn away, not wanting to show the weakness that comes over me at her words.
‘If the Barrier falls,’ I say slowly, ‘many innocent people will die.’ I’m reminding myself as much as her.
‘Oh, re-make it, break it, I don’t care what you do with your damn Barrier. It matters little to me now. But if you could return my dark lover to me…’
I frown. ‘Didn’t you help to banish the Dark God? I thought the Goddess and the God of Light worked together with the witches…’
Izushi snorts. ‘Well they would, wouldn’t they? They love a good dichotomy, do the Goddess and the God of Light. That’s what they’re powered by. Certainty. Division. Righteousness.’
‘I thought…’ I pause for a moment, trying to figure out what I actually do think. I know there is a hierarchy of deities. The God of Light and the Goddess are at the top – most ancient, most powerful, most important. Since his banishment, the Dark God lies outside the schema, like some planet that has been flung out of orbit of the sun, present but irrelevant. Below them is a plethora of middling to smaller gods
, recognised by specific cultures at particular times, with limited power and demarcated responsibilities. But I still thought that the minor gods would be in agreement with the major gods. I imagined that Izushi was a kind of emanation of the Goddess, a fragment of her power broken off and worshipped under a separate name. I never thought she’d be so, well, so… opinionated.
I hear another snort, and it suddenly dawns on me – Izushi snorts! She makes the same kind of terrible noise that I do when something strikes me as funny. Perhaps we have more in common than I’d initially guessed.
‘Humans really have no idea,’ she muses, sitting down beside me now and gazing across the valley. ‘The family of the Gods is just as chaotic and confused and messy as any human family. We all want different things at the same time or the same things at different times. We carry grudges for millennia, you know. But you can’t judge the rest of us by what you see at the top. Just like in the human world.’
‘I’m sorry, can you please just tell me what it is you want from me?’ I feel suddenly exhausted and impatient. ‘I thought you might be here to help me, but now…’
‘I just… I miss him. I want to see him, even if it’s only one more time. The banishing was done in secret, there was no discussion, no consultation. One day he was here and the next he was gone, cast out to the farthest reaches of the universe. I had no say. I never got to say goodbye…’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say firmly. ‘But I can’t help you. I can’t allow him to return.’
In an instant, her eyes narrow, and a sudden breeze rises and then whips around us, tossing the branches of the trees in wild gusts. ‘Are you refusing me, child? You, a mortal, standing against a goddess on her own ground?’ Her voice has changed suddenly, becoming harder and sharper. Her words are painful in my ears.
Oh shit. For a moment it had felt like we were just two normal people having a normal conversation. I’d almost forgotten that I was talking to a powerful deity who can squash me like a literal bug.