by Fauna Hodel
“Well, good morning!” Tamar said with a big smile, “Did you sleep well?”
She shook her head. “It was a hard night. I must have fallen into a deep sleep, because I can’t remember dreaming about anything. My body’s not used to sleeping on the floor.”
“Oh, everyone sleeps on them out here. By the way, Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas to you, too! I never thought I’d be spending Christmas in Hawaii, and with you!”
They sat down together again. Tamar started telling her more details about her life, not once asking Fauna about hers. She kept telling her how grateful she should be to be raised by Jimmie, just because she was black, all the while justifying her actions. Fauna wasn’t ready for another heavy discussion, but at the same time she wanted to know everything about Tamar.
Tamar said Fauna II had called and was coming over later on. Tamar prefaced her statements about Fauna II very carefully, indicating that Fauna I should not listen to everything that Fauna II might say, because she had a tendency to exaggerate.
It was difficult trying to discern who was telling the truth. Was Dorothy the troublemaker? Was Tamar a liar? And who was this sister with the same name that she so proudly owned? Fauna still needed time to breathe.
“Tamar, it is Christmas, and I need to call Billy at home. Can I use your phone—don’t worry, I’ll reverse the charges.”
“Sure, go right ahead.”
Tamar stood by and listened, although nonchalantly, to their conversation. Fauna was evasive, and Billy immediately sensed that she needed him with her. He could tell she was in trouble.
“Billy’s coming out to Hawaii; he wants to spend the holidays with me,” she shouted in excitement to Tamar.
“Oh, that’s wonderful. Tell me all about him.”
Fauna began to talk about Billy, but Tamar kept interrupting, asking specific questions that seemed to be out of nowhere and quickly bringing the conversation back to Tamar’s tale. They spent the remainder of the morning talking about Tamar’s beliefs, Tamar’s life, and Tamar’s story. With each episode, Fauna became drawn in further and further. Fauna’s mind was again becoming clouded with suspicion. It was all too much for anyone to adjust to, yet she had no reason to doubt anything Tamar said.
Early in the evening, she finally got to meet her half-sister, Deborah, or now Fauna II, as everyone now had begun to call her. It was awkward for both of them having the same name. Fauna resented it. She had always believed that she was an original, but now there, in front of her, was a duplicate, at least with the same first name. She never once called her by Fauna, but addressed her as “sister.” She was a beautiful girl, something of what she thought she should look like if she really were mixed. They got along very well together on that first meeting. Fauna II wanted to know all about her.
“Tamar talked about you a lot when I was little,” she said, “I always felt that you were my bigger sister and I used to wonder what it’d be like if you were around, or what you would do in certain situations.”
Fauna looked at her with a puzzled look. It was so strange to hear that coming from someone she hadn’t even known existed. She quickly glanced over at Tamar, who was busy ordering Joy around, but gestured as if to say, “never mind.”
“Let’s go check out the beach,” her sister said, changing the subject quickly, “Do you want to go?”
“Sure, that’d be great!”
“Wait. I’ll go with you,” said Tamar in a way that suggested she didn’t want the two sisters alone, “Just let me get this done first.”
Fauna suddenly felt a strange jealousy coming from Tamar and it made her uncomfortable.
“No way,” said Fauna II, “The moon will be up by the time you’re ready.” Fauna II was not interested in having Tamar tag along. “She takes forever to do anything,” she said, “Come on, let’s go.”
They strolled in the cool sand near the waterline. The sea was calm; the waves were almost invisible. There were other large houses, just like the one Tamar was renting, some set further back from the beach. Together they walked, splashing their feet in the water.
“You have to be careful with Tamar,” the sister said.
“Whadaya mean, careful. In what way?” Fauna listened intently.
“Just careful. She’s done some crazy things in her life,” she turned around and glanced at Fauna, almost as if she wanted her to ask the obvious question.
She stared back for a moment. “Well?”
“My mother thrives on confusion. She never takes the easy way; everything in her life is complicated. She makes it that way. I don’t know if she enjoys it, but—I don’t know; maybe she just can’t function any other way. She’s intelligent—very intelligent! Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that she likes to play one person off of the other, and I still haven’t figured out why. It’s almost as though her life is the only thing that matters. Her story, that’s all she lives for, that’s how she gets by—by telling everyone her story. Sometimes I think its all nonsense.”
Fauna was shocked, “Don’t you believe her?”
“I don’t know. I suppose so. No one could have made up such a ridiculous thing. Besides, what would she have gained from it?”
“Nothing! Absolutely nothing!”
“I guess I’m just tired of hearing it. And I’m tired of her manipulating people and dragging them into her problems. She doesn’t do things normal; everything’s a project—a major project. A lot of times she tries to put words in your mouth, just to add to the confusion. That’s one of the reasons I don’t live with her. The other, of course, is that I have a baby.”
Now Fauna was really confused. They talked a little longer and Fauna II told some strange things about how much trouble Tamar seemed to attract, or cause. All of which ended with a warning for her to be careful.
Tamar finally found them, long after the sun had set, taking its warm rays with it. She brought them each a sweater. She was in a jovial mood and fun to be around.
“It gets chilly here on the beach at night. Sometimes when there’s a storm, the waves come up almost all the way to the house, but we’re kind of protected here. On the North Shore, it really gets bad, especially in the winter. Last year it took two houses right off their foundations.”
“Oh mother, it did not. It moved them a little. Tell the truth.”
“I am telling the truth,” she giggled. “She thinks I make up everything I say.”
“Was the baby all right?” asked Fauna II.
“Yeah, I told Joy to keep an eye out.”
“Well, I’d better go and check.”
She ran back to the house, leaving Tamar alone with Fauna on the beach. The moon was just above the horizon, safely peeking out from behind the clouds, its light glistening on the water.
“It’s so beautiful out here, Tamar. If I were God, this is where I’d want to live.”
“God does live here,” she chuckled, “Just to the left of those clouds, and on the right is where the angels hang out.”
She laughed at her silliness.
“I have an angel,” Fauna said.
“So do I.”
“That I talk to.”
“So do I,” Tamar said emphatically. “In fact, the first angel I ever communicated with was when I was pregnant with you. She said she would watch over you and that I shouldn’t worry. I had trouble with the pregnancy with Deborah and again saw the angel and asked for help. I saw her as a bridge between two people. I asked the angel to oversee all of this.
“I had read, as a little girl, the teachings of the Ascended Masters. I read them as fairy-tales. The Ascended Masters are a giant brotherhood, all working together for Jesus Christ. Jesus is the Great Way-shower on this planet along with many others such as Buddha, etc. I read their stories about their retreats in the Himalayas, often referred to as Shangri La, and where they worked to raise the consciousness of mankind. They were in my library as a child. George and mother were both into metaphysics.
/> “I always knew about magic and transformation. I remember when I was little, I worked briefly at an orphanage and while I had to work, I never asked my father for anything, and he never offered. My mother wouldn’t allow me to be baptized and receive Holy Communion. I wanted to go with the other girls to Mass, and she said I had to wait until I grew up. I wanted to do the candles, and the magic, and be part of that ceremony. I remember that I just had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait until I grew up, whenever that was. In the church, they had statues of angels, and that’s where I first got to see what they really looked like, but just as a statue, of course.”
They talked more of spiritual things, but just for a short time. It was getting chilly for Tamar and they decided to call it a night.
The following day, a woman who had worked for George when he lived in Hawaii came to see Tamar to wish her a happy holiday. Tamar introduced Fauna as the daughter she was forced to give away. They talked briefly about the only thing they had in common, her grandfather.
The woman relayed a strange incident that happened frequently while George employed her. She said that he was often known to do strange things and experiment with people in his attempt to find the meaning of life and love. “Sometimes he would go into the bathroom by himself and stay there for hours at a time.” At first, she was frightened, not knowing if he had taken ill or what. But each time he would emerge, his eyes were filled with tears, as if he spent the entire time crying.
As she told Fauna this and other stories, she began to wonder what kind of people she was dealing with. She couldn’t wait for Billy to rescue her.
When Billy arrived the following afternoon, Fauna was excited, not only because she needed his help to sort all of this out, but also because she missed being with him. She wanted him to make love to her.
They stayed away from the house for most of the day. She needed his strength and his support. She relayed to him some of the particulars of what Tamar had said to her, not nearly in as much detail, but enough to make him want to know more. He didn’t say much about it, just listened and comforted her.
Billy was his usual charming self when he met Tamar. He acted as if he knew nothing about her life. But it wasn’t long before the conversation turned to her story.
That evening and all the following day, she relayed all the events in her life to Billy. The atmosphere was charged with intense emotion for her. She succeeded in making Fauna feel sorry for her and almost guilty that the life she gave to her was ideal compared to what she went through.
Billy’s reaction was conciliatory, but not overly sympathetic. As much as she tried to draw him into her life, to make him part of her story, he refused to budge, not giving way to her emotional and intellectual seduction. Fauna, again, however, clung to her every word, trying to know as much as possible about her life and why she gave her away. Although this time, she was not nearly as frightened knowing that Billy was there with her.
That evening, Billy and she sat alone and in complete silence on the beach while the golden sun sank slowly below the ocean. The air was salty from the sea breeze.
“What a magnificent sight,” he finally said to her. It was beautiful, but her mind was still on Tamar. “How did she manage to find a place like this, right on the beach? I thought only millionaires could afford to live in this kind of a house?” she asked.
“Don’t you see what kind of a woman she is?” Billy asked.
When she glanced at him, he knew she had no idea what he was talking about.
“She is a victim, a perpetual victim. Or at least she appears to be. Anyone who hears that story would believe that she has been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. And she tells it all so well. She’s an amazing woman. She gets all the attention she needs, without having to ask. People want to make things right, so they give her what she needs at that time, for nothing, or at the very least what she can afford to pay. Does she work?”
“No, she’s never worked . . . you mean like in a real job? No, never,” Fauna said.
“Well, see,” Billy continued, “She could have dropped the whole thing and went on to be anything she wanted to be. She’s very intelligent, witty, with good verbal skills. She just chose to do things the hard way.”
“The hard way! What do you mean the hard way? Look where she lives!” Fauna said.
“Yeah, but she has to fight off bill collectors, making up excuses all the time, moving from one place to another, she won’t be here long. When they get tired of getting dragged into her world, she’ll just find someone else to help her get her life together. It isn’t ever going to change.”
“But . . . it’s not her fault; she didn’t start this whole thing,” Fauna said
“How do you know? She got her father arrested and brought him to trial, right? The jury acquitted him. As far as the law is concerned, the man is innocent. He didn’t do it,” Billy said.
“Yeah, but what if they were wrong. What if he did cause this whole thing?”
“It doesn’t matter. Justice sometimes has nothing to do with the law. Once a man is innocent—he’s innocent, that’s it. The only two people who will ever know the truth are Tamar and George. And sure as hell, he’s not going to say nothing. And she knows that, so why don’t she bury it and get on with a normal life?”
“I feel so badly for her. I feel like I want to make it right,” Fauna said.
“That’s exactly what she wants; that’s how she lives. She tells this great story for effect, and it works. It’s working with you. You’re getting sucked in deeper and deeper. Soon you’ll be in so deep, you won’t be able to breath. And then what are ya gonna do?” Billy said peering down at her.
“I said I feel like I want to make it right, not that I was going to. At the same time, I feel like I don’t want to be around her; it’s too intense. I’ve already got enough to handle dealing with Momma. I couldn’t take on another one.”
She sat on the beach going over everything that was happening. Billy kept analyzing Tamar, a process that he was very capable of without getting too involved, but she didn’t listen to what he was saying. She made up her mind that the best thing for her to do was to go home—immediately. She couldn’t deal with Tamar’s complex personality any further. All of it was much too much. The next day, over Tamar’s strong objections, they left for home.
CHAPTER 23
Fauna was utterly confused about Tamar. She wanted to scream loud and long until she became unconscious, hoping that when she awoke, it would all be just a bad nightmare. Her dreams of the faceless woman, who would liberate her from a life of uncertainty, had become her purpose in life. Realizing that dream was the one thing above all else for which she yearned. Through all the fears of living with Jimmie, and trying to find her rightful place in life, it was her vision of Tamar that kept her lucid. Now those dreams had evaporated and the vision spoiled. From now on all that she needed would have to come from within her own heart. Fauna wrote in her diary.
The sea,
The beautiful sea;
Sometimes I wonder
Who
Has more turbulence,
The sea or me.
my head is ringing;
my heart is sinking;
my time is slipping.
I chew on my lips,
I bite my nails,
And I claim . . .
I’m sane!
A couple of weeks passed since her return from Hawaii. Fauna’s thoughts weighed heavy with all that Tamar unloaded on her. But she maintained direction, believing that there were valid reasons behind her family’s peculiarity. She was in the middle of a transformation, emerging from a black soul in a white body, raised in ignorance, superstition, and poverty, to an apprentice of Billy Sharp, dining at elegant restaurants and mingling with the elite of Reno. He taught her how to survive in the middle class, the basic elements of proper etiquette and English grammar. Her mannerisms and outlook changed. There would be no going back to a life of poverty and
frustration.
Over the next few months, Billy’s challenging career at Lear was on the upswing, and Fauna matured at his side. They debated marriage; it was time for a new lifestyle. He already knew everything about her. He knew about Momma, Dorothy, George; and he had experienced Tamar. They kept all of this to themselves, not revealing anything to Momma, who now became more attached to Fauna, almost childlike in her dependence.
After her trip to Hawaii, Fauna felt the need to be free of her snarled background and create her own life. But the tugging stretched her heart in two directions: Billy wanting her to be his wife and move to San Diego, and Jimmie trying to control Fauna’s life from Sparks. Fauna desperately wanted Billy, but she could never leave her momma, the only one she had ever needed to please. Her interference was the biggest obstacle Billy and she faced and ultimately, it affected their relationship.
It was at this time that Billy decided to accept an offer from a company in San Diego. He gave Fauna an ultimatum: “Either go with me to California and be my wife, or stay here.”
“The choice isn’t simple,” she told him, “I want to be with you more than anything, but what about Momma?”
“Just tell her the truth: you’re starting a new life with me and we’re moving to San Diego.”
For days she agonized over it, trying to visualize Jimmie Lee’s reaction, but the only certainty was Jimmie’s unpredictable response. Fauna lacked the courage to face her. Instead, she wrote her a note and asked a girlfriend to deliver it to Jimmie after she left. Billy and Fauna were married on the day they left Reno for San Diego.
The guilt enveloped Fauna’s soul. Leaving Jimmie in such ill health and sneaking away almost in the dead of night created havoc within her conscience, not allowing her a moment’s rest. It was more than a month before Fauna mustered the courage to call. Long enough, she hoped, for Jimmie’s hurt to subside.