I felt like a voyeur. Jake glanced back at me over his shoulder, raised his eyebrows and shook his head, and gratification filled me. I was so glad he didn’t expect me to join in on the porn fest out here. I couldn’t remember when I’d been more uncomfortable.
We made our way to the steps that led off the deck down to the yard. It was dark, but the fire in the pit a few feet away lent enough light so that I didn’t trip as we walked across the grass. There were some chairs around the fire; most of them were empty, but someone was sitting with his back toward us. When we got a little closer, my heart sank. It was Leo slumped in the Adirondack chair, and Sarah Jenkins was on his lap. No, correction: she was actually sitting on the chair, between Leo’s legs, sprawled back over his chest.
I wanted to turn around and run away. I wanted to erase the sight of them from my memory. But mostly, I just wanted this to not be happening.
Fleetingly, I considered tugging Jake’s hand and pulling him away. I could always use the excuse that I thought Leo and Sarah probably wanted privacy. But before I could put that plan into action, Leo saw us. I knew the minute it happened: he did one of those double-takes, like people do in comedies. And then he straightened up, pushing Sarah up a little so he could move.
“Hey, man.” Jake held out a fist, and after a moment’s hesitation, Leo pounded it. His eyes fastened on my hand in Jake’s, and a muscle in his jaw quivered.
“Donavan.” He muttered the word and then turned his head to look at me. “Quinn. I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”
“It was kind of . . . last-minute.” I forced a smile, though I wanted to add, And since when do you care where I go or what I do? “Jake and I were out eating, and we ran into Scott Murray. He told us about the party, so . . .” I shrugged. “Here we are.”
“Hmmm.” Leo didn’t say anything more than that, but he didn’t look away from me, either.
“Mind if we join you here?” Jake led me toward a chair. For a second, I thought he might expect me to sit with him the same way Sarah was with Leo, but after I sank down, he dragged another chair over and sat down near me. “It was loud as hell in the house. And crowded.”
Leo shrugged, and in doing so, he seemed to remember the girl sitting on him. Rubbing a hand down her back, he let his eyes drift back to the fire. “You guys know Sarah, right? Sarah, that’s Jake Donavan and you remember Quinn, I guess.”
“Sure.” Sarah smiled at us. “Jake, we were in Spanish together freshman year, I think.”
Jake grinned. “Yeah, that’s right. Good old Señorita Tomosa. Did you keep up with it?”
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Sarah rolled her eyes. “No way. I only needed one year, because I took a college-level American Sign Language course over the summer. I hated Spanish.”
“Lucky you. I’m in Spanish Three now, but fortunately, I had Señor Aikens last year and this year.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, that’s good, I guess.”
We fell silent after that scintillating exchange of conversation. Leo dropped his arm to the ground on the side of the chair away from me and brought it back up holding a bottle. He lifted it to his lips and took a long swig. I thought it was beer. I hoped it was beer, and not something stronger.
He caught me watching him, and one side of his mouth quirked up. “Want some, Mia? You know I don’t have cooties.”
I was glad the dark hid my flushed face. “No, thanks.”
“Ah, yeah. That’s right. I forgot you’re too good to drink with us, huh?” He tipped the bottle back again and then held it out to Sarah, who took a pull without hesitation. “So why’d you bother coming tonight if you’re not really going to enjoy yourself?”
“I . . . I thought it would be fun. And Jake wanted to come.” I shifted in my seat. “I can have a good time without getting drunk. Or high. Or . . .” I looked up at the deck, where the grope-fest continued. “Um, without doing . . . things.”
Leo smirked. “Cool. Good for you. But if you’re going to sit around and judge everyone who does want to do . . . things, maybe you should just go the fuck home.”
“Hey.” Jake’s tone wasn’t aggressive, just chiding. “Chill, Taylor.”
A tic jumped in Leo’s cheek, and his eyes narrowed. “What’s the matter, Donavan? You want to be her big bodyguard? Her boyfriend? Believe me, dude. I’m the last guy you need to protect her from.” His gaze slid back to me. “Or am I?” He took another drink, and it occurred to me that he’d probably had quite a few.
My stomach clenched at Leo’s random aggression. This was the first time we’d been together or spoken since I’d left him in the alley outside the diner. Clearly neither of us had forgotten that. The tension in the air fairly crackled, and I wasn’t sure who was going to break the awkward silence.
“Why do you call her Mia?” It was Sarah who spoke. She only sounded curious, not at all defensive or suspicious. I was pathetically grateful to her for shifting the focus as I held my breath, waiting to see if Leo would answer. “Is it Spanish?”
I saw his throat bob as he swallowed before he spoke. “No. Her name—her real name—is Amelia Quinn. After her great-grandmother. When we were little, sometimes her mom would call her that—Amelia Quinn. I wanted to say it, too, but I couldn’t pronounce Amelia. So I called her Mia. Mia Quinn.”
His voice was husky and sent a thrill down my spine. When I glanced up, his eyes were on my face again, boring into me until I couldn’t breathe. I shivered and then without thinking about it, I licked my lips.
Instantly Leo’s stare was fastened on my mouth. His own lips parted, and his chest seemed to rise and fall a little faster. I was dizzy with wanting him, and at the same time, I felt like an idiot. Here I was with another guy—while he was sitting with another girl. And yet the pull between us was undeniable. I was dying to crawl over to him, slither up his body, press my boobs into his chest and kiss him until we forgot our own names. I’d never known want that way—real, tangible need—and I fought back tears, because Leo had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want me the same way.
“I didn’t know Quinn wasn’t your first name.” Jake smiled at me. “You don’t seem like an Amelia. Whoever decided to call you Quinn was smart, Q. It suits you.”
“Thanks.” I studied Jake, with his casually messy hair and his black-rimmed glasses, and wished I could lust after him the way I did after Leo. What was wrong with me? I was seriously screwed up. Jake was kind, fun and smart. We had so much more in common than Leo and I did. And yet I didn’t feel anything more for him than friendship. I wasn’t sitting here, wishing he hadn’t let go of my hand.
“Lion! Dude. Miller’s got the new Combat Apocalypse. We’re gonna play it in his theater.” Kent Pulchaski stomped down the steps from the deck and called toward us. Both of the guys looked up.
“The one that doesn’t release for another month? No way, man.” Leo turned in his chair, easing Sarah away from his body.
“Yeah, his uncle’s part of the development team and got it for him early. You in?”
“You know it.” This time, he boosted Sarah to stand and stretched, getting to his feet. “It was getting a little, uh, quiet out here anyway. I was about to nod off.”
I wanted to roll my eyes at the obvious put-down, but I chose to ignore it instead. Leo started to follow Kent and then paused, glancing back at Jake. “Donavan, you play?”
Jake fidgeted in his chair. “Uh, yeah. I mean, I played the first two.”
“C’mon, then.” Leo gestured with one hand. “Let’s see what you got.”
“Um, I don’t know.” Jake inched toward the edge of his seat, his eyes flickering toward me. “I promised Q we wouldn’t stay too long.”
I appreciated Jake’s loyalty and consideration, but it was clear that he wanted to go play video games with the rest of the big kids. I gave him a big sunny smile and shook my head.
“I’m good here. Go ahead and play. If I get too cold, I’ll go stake out a spot on a couch and lay low
until you’re finished. Okay?”
Jake stood up, but he didn’t walk away yet. “You sure?”
I nudged his leg with my foot. “Of course I’m sure. I think I can handle being on my own for a little bit, Jake. I promise, I won’t do anything drastic. Like attack poor defenseless cheerleaders or something.”
Jake snickered, and then with a quick wave in my direction, took off after Leo and Kent. I heaved a deep sigh and leaned back again. Sarah sat down in the chair Leo had just abandoned.
“Boys, huh? I don’t understand the whole deal with video games. I mean . . . I just get bored. Leo was playing this zombie game the other night, and I fell asleep. Just conked right out on the sofa.”
Another hot bolt of jealousy flared inside me at the idea of Sarah sleeping on the couch next to Leo, but I tamped it down. “Yeah, he’s always been a sucker for war games, especially. When we were in elementary school, he and Nate got obsessed with this one—I can’t remember what it was called, but there were guns and bombs.” I mimed an explosion with both my hands. “They played it together practically every day for two months. At first, they tried to get me interested, too, but every time it was my turn, one of them ended up yanking the controller out of my hands to, uh, ‘help’ me.” I made the air quotes. “So pretty soon I’d just wait until they were absorbed in the game, and then I’d sneak upstairs and hang out with Nate’s mom.”
“I have to admit, I’m really envious of you.” Sarah drew her legs up onto the chairs and shifted to face me more fully. “Growing up in one place, I mean, with friends you’ve had your whole life. We moved every few years when I was younger, so until we moved here, I didn’t have any idea what it was like to know people for more than a year or two.”
I remembered, vaguely, that Sarah had moved to Eatonboro right before junior high. Still, she hadn’t seemed to have had trouble fitting in here. She’d slid right into the popular crowd without an issue. I tried not to resent that.
“I guess there’re pros and cons to everything.” I shrugged. “When you’ve spent your life with one group of people, it’s hard for them to see you as anything other than who they decided you were years ago.” I smiled, thinking of one of my classmates. “For instance, one guy in our class couldn’t tie his shoes on the first day of kindergarten, and he cried. He still gets teased about that, even now. Crazy, huh?”
Sarah giggled. “Not anyone we both know, is it?”
“Oh, no. Leo was the first of us to learn how to tie. He used to do my laces, and Nate’s, too. Since he was the only one of us with older siblings, he had the leg up. Simon and Danny would’ve tormented him if he couldn’t tie his shoes.”
“See, that’s what I mean. You all have so much history. I’ve only known Leo since eighth grade. I met his brother Danny, but I don’t know the oldest one.”
“Simon’s awesome. He comes off like this big tough guy, but he’s really a teddy bear. Both of Leo’s brothers were always great to Nate and me. They kind of adopted us as theirs, too.”
Sarah sighed and hugged her knees tighter to her chest. “Can I tell you something? Please don’t laugh. I’ve been a little . . . threatened by you since I’ve known Leo. Even before we started dating. He always talks about you like you’re this perfect, amazing person. It’s very intimidating.”
I was silent for a minute, surprised. “Me? He talks about me like that?”
She nodded. “Oh, yeah. I don’t think he even realizes it. But when he mentions your name, something in his voice—it changes. Gets softer.” She paused, biting her bottom lip. “I’ve liked Leo for a long time. Not because of who he is, either. You know, all the cheerleaders . . . they look at him like a prize. A status symbol, almost. There’s even—” She flashed me an apologetic glance. “Kind of a title. They talk about bagging the Lion, you know, because of his football nickname?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Ewww.”
“Right?” Sarah shook her head. “But that’s not why I wanted to go out with him. I’ve liked Leo since we met the summer before junior high. He was always nice to me, and we kind of dated a couple of times back then, but you know what that was like. No one was really serious. But now . . . it feels more important, you know? He’s so nice, and I’m sure it sounds like what every girl would say, but I really like him for him. I’d date him even if he were, like, on the newspaper or something.”
I saw the moment Sarah realized what she’d said. Her eyes got wide, and a flush stained her cheeks. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that like it sounded. I just meant—”
“I know what you meant. Don’t worry. I get it.” I flipped around in the uncomfortable chair so that my legs hung over the armrest. “You’re not dating him for his popularity or his mad skills on the football field. I’m glad.”
Sarah felt around near the side of the chair and brought up Leo’s half-empty bottle of beer. She was about to take a sip, then paused and held it out to me. “Want some? It’s probably warm and flat.”
I hated the taste of beer, but I liked the smell, since it reminded me of being at baseball games with my dad. I was about to tell her no, thanks, when I thought, why not? I was thirsty, and I wasn’t driving tonight. There wasn’t any good reason to say no, now that Leo wasn’t using the beer to taunt me.
“Sure, if you don’t mind.” I leaned up, tilted the bottle into my mouth and then screwed up my face. “Yeah, it’s pretty flat. Ugh.” I shuddered and handed her back the beer. “Thanks, though.”
“I really am sorry about what I said. I honestly don’t care about who’s popular or who isn’t. Jake seems like a really great guy. He’s funny, too.”
“Yeah.” I watched Sarah take a long swig, and this time I didn’t even hesitate when she passed the bottle back to me. “He is. We’re just friends, though. I came with him tonight because . . .” Because your boyfriend kissed me senseless a few weeks back, and since then, I’ve been going crazy. “I needed distraction.” I finished my sentence lamely. “And uh, I haven’t really dated. Like, at all. Anyone. So he asked me and, I guess, I figured, why not?”
“You’ve never dated? Why?” She seemed genuinely curious, not at all as though she was about to make fun of me.
“I don’t know.” I let my head thump onto the other armrest. “Or maybe I do. No one ever asked me before. At least, no one I would seriously want to be with.”
“No way.” Sarah held up the beer bottle. “Finish it up, why don’t you.”
I discovered that the third time was the charm when it came to beer, because I actually kind of liked it this time. I killed the bottle and dropped it onto the grass.
“So do you like Jake? I mean, he’s cute. You two make a nice couple.”
I lifted one shoulder. “I’m not sure. He’s funny, and he’s sweet, and he’s a good friend. But I don’t think he looks at me as anything other than that.”
“Ah, you’re wrong about that. I was picking up a definite vibe. I think he’s hot for you.”
I giggled. “Oh, I highly doubt—” I felt a buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans. “Hold on a second.” Pulling it out, I squinted at the screen, frowning when I saw Nate’s name. “Um, Sarah, I kind of have to answer this. I’ll be right back.” I struggled to hit answer on the phone at the same time that I tried to sit up.
“Stay there.” Sarah stood, waving a hand at me. “I need to go pee anyway.”
I relaxed back into the chair and held the phone to my ear. “Nate? What’s up?”
“Where are you?” He sounded strained and anxious.
“I’m . . . out. Why? What’s wrong?”
“I went over to your house to see if you wanted to come to the head races tomorrow. My dad’s driving me over early, but Mom’s coming separately, and she said you could ride with her if you want.”
Closing my eyes, I suppressed a sigh. The last thing I wanted to do on my Saturday was stand alongside a river while Nate’s boat club went through their races. I loved my friend, and I tried to support him as oft
en as I could, but everything to do with crew rowing was long and drawn-out. It wasn’t like going to one of Leo’s football games, with a prescribed four quarters of action, where I could sit in the bleachers in relative comfort. Being there for Nate meant hours of monotony at the river and a few minutes of intense cheering.
Still . . . loyalty and guilt mixed together and made me answer in the affirmative. “Sure. What time is she leaving?”
I could almost hear the relief in Nate’s voice. “Ten. Do you want her to pick you up?”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll just walk over there.”
“Okay.” There was silence on the line, which was not unusual when it came to my conversations with Nate. He never felt the need to fill the gaps that made me uncomfortable.
“So I’ll see you . . . well, I guess after you’re done.” I wanted to wrap this up before Jake came back, and now that Sarah had mentioned it, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom, too.
“Where are you, Quinn?” Nate’s voice took on a tone I’d never heard from him before. It was a mix between concern and . . . was that anger?
“I’m at a party. Why?” Yes, I sounded defensive. There was that guilt again, the same feeling I’d been struggling with for as long as I could remember when it came to Nate. When we were very young, I’d stayed inside with him if he wasn’t feeling well enough to go out and play, because I felt bad for him. It was the same reason I’d avoided playing kickball the year we were in fifth grade and instead hung out on the swings with Nate. And now, I was almost afraid to tell him I’d gone out tonight, since he hadn’t.
“Whose party?”
“Um, Mike Anders.” I didn’t say anything more, but I felt even worse, knowing the history between Mike and Nate.
This time, the silence was heavier. I was about to try to explain, to justify why I was here, when Nate spoke again.
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