The food is delicious, and we’re having a great time, until I look across the restaurant. The smile is wiped right off my face as I see my parents. I freeze in my seat and brace my hands on the table, as I see my father rise from his chair. Not once does he take his eyes off me, he just says something to my mother, probably an order not to move and then he begins to walk across the restaurant. I frantically look around, searching for the exit.
Run! My mind is screaming, don’t let him get near you.
Liliya’s hand squeezes mine and her soothing voice breaks into my panic, “Skye, what’s the matter, milaya?”
I look briefly over at her and whisper, “It’s my father.” She’s never really had any face to face dealings with him, so I fear she won’t understand how dreadful this situation is.
My eyes snap back to him just as he reaches our table and before I can bolt, Preston stands.
“Is there something I can help you with, Bob?” he asks in a low firm tone.
My father has never been one to back down. “I want a word with my daughter,” he demands, looking past Preston like he isn’t even there.
“I don’t think she has anything to say to you,” Preston informs him. “Right, Skye?” he asks me over his shoulder without taking his eyes away from the man I detest.
I sit up a little straighter, somehow braver, knowing Preston is here to protect me. “Nope,” I reply, attempting to sound confident.
“Don’t be difficult, Skye.” My father leans around Preston to level his best look of intimidation on me. “We have things to discuss.”
“You heard her Bob, she said no,” Preston says flatly.
“You can’t stop me,” he blurts, what I call his red rage face slowly emerging.
Preston gets the evilest smile and leans closer to him. I have to strain to make out what he says.
“Is that what you think, Bob? It would be such a pleasure to show you how wrong you are.” He leans back slightly, the smile still plastered on his face.
My father’s face is bright red with rage now. This is usually the time when I would be running to find a room to lock myself in. But I don’t have to do that anymore. He pauses for a moment, calming himself down and gives me such a hateful look.
“I’ll be in touch,” my father growls at me. It’s a threat, not a promise. Then he storms back to his table.
Preston’s calm voice breaks through my thoughts. “You ladies ready to go?”
“I think we are,” Liliya says and clasps my elbow as she stands. As Liliya leads the way out, I follow directly behind her, but can’t help but glance over to my parents as we pass.
My father, usually a king manipulator, doesn’t even look our way. My mother looks up at me with stone-cold, dead eyes. He whispers something to her ignoring us.
“Are you all right?” Preston asks just low enough so I can hear, and I nod my head. Does anyone ever say no when they are asked if they’re ok?
Once we pull into the driveway, Liliya announces that the morning has been tiring for her and she is going to go and lay down. Preston gives me a worried look, she typically doesn’t take naps. “Liliya, we will come and get you all settled in,” I tell her, hoping that it will reassure Preston that everything is okay if we accompany her.
I follow Liliya into the bedroom in her cozy home and tuck her in, kissing her forehead. “Sleep well, Liliya.”
She gives me a warm smile and pats my hands. “Can you send Preston in, milaya?”
“Sure, I’ll go get him.” I smile back.
Preston is pacing back and forth as I enter the living room. Pausing his stride, he shoots me a concerned glance. “Is she asleep?”
I tuck a curl behind my ear and shake my head. “No, she’s asking for you.”
I know this is a private conversation, but I’m concerned that she isn’t feeling well and they might need me, so I follow him and stop at the door to her room. I can see her lying in bed and watch as Preston sits right next to her.
“What is it, Mama?” he says with concern.
“Preston, I want to talk to you about Skye.”
At the mention of my name I move back out of sight but can still hear them. Me? Why does she want to talk about me?
“Okay, is something bothering you?”
“Yes!” she says emphatically, her voice has me pressing my back against the wall. Does she hate me?
“What is it?” Preston sounds concerned.
“Did you see her father? Svinya, I wanted to teach him some manners.”
His mirthless laugh sounds through the air. “Mama!”
“I’m serious, Preston, he needs to be taught.”
Preston’s voice turns serious. “Don’t worry about him. He won’t get near her, I won’t allow it, he’ll get what is coming to him.”
I peek around the corner to get a look at them. She claps his hands.
“Promise me, Preston, promise me you will look after her.”
“Don’t worry about Skye, she’ll be okay.”
She lets go of his hands, practically throwing them away from her. “She’s like the daughter I never had, you must promise me!” she demands.
“I promise, Mama, I will look after her. Her family won’t hurt her anymore, you know I’d do anything for her,” he assures her softly. She nods and they exchange no more words as he kisses her forehead. He obviously doesn’t need me for anything and I’m really intruding and feel horrible about it. I tiptoe back to the house, so he can have his privacy.
It’s three in the afternoon and I just finished a swim. Preston comes in from his workout and sits at the table. “Where’s Mama?”
I set my cup down. “She hasn’t come back up yet, I figured the extra sleep would do her good.”
“You’re probably right.” He picks up his paper to scan the local news. “We might want to wake her up by four though, or she won’t sleep tonight.”
I open my mouth, thinking it might be a good time to ask him about this morning. He told me we needed to talk then took us out for breakfast with his mother. I’d also like to know why he was talking to my father privately, but I quickly lose my nerve and go into the kitchen.
When I have the dishes done, I glance up at the clock and see it’s now three forty-five. I wipe my hands on the towel and set it on the counter, then I walk out of the sliding glass doors and around the pool, to go and wake Liliya.
I softly knock on her door and then let myself in. The house is silent and just the soft glow from the lamp illuminates the space. I walk around the living room first, as I have seen Liliya do countless times, opening up the curtains that block out the bright desert sun.
I don’t want to startle her so I softly call out, “Liliya, it’s Skye. It’s almost four o’clock.” It’s strange though, usually when I let her know I’m in the house I can hear the rustle of her sheets as she starts to get up.
As I stand at her doorway I can see the outline of her in bed. “Liliya? Wake up.” Still there is no movement. I don’t really want to shake her awake, so I turn the light on in her room and I see the blankets are pulled up high. I sigh because I am going to have to wake her, and I don’t want to disturb her peaceful sleep, but Preston is right, she’ll be mad if she sleeps all day.
I sit down in the same spot Preston was perched earlier in the day and gently shake her shoulder.
“Liliya? Come on, time to get up.”
I frown, concerned. I gently peel the blanket back and have to tug because she has them in her grip. “Liliya?” My heart starts to pound.
I pull her shoulder toward me, rolling her over. Her eyes are closed and she has a serene smile on her face. My brows furrow because things are off, her lips have a tinge of blue to them.
“SHIT!” I move into action and press the panic button next to her bed. That sends a request directly to the paramedics and also an alarm to the house so Preston knows he’s needed here. I push her onto her back and take her tiny wrist into my hand. My lifeguard training never quite pr
epared me for this, but I know this is bad. Blue is bad.
I press into her wrist, noting how cool she is to the touch, come on old girl be there for me. No pulse, and I see her fingernail beds are black, she’s not getting oxygen.
“No, no, no…” I mutter, adrenaline pushing me on. The bed is too soft for CPR, thankfully she doesn’t weigh much so I move her to the floor.
I first take my knuckle and rub it hard against her sternum. “Liliya, wake up!” I yell at her loudly in the hopes that the pain will shock her system, it doesn’t.
No response.
I go over my training in my head, C-A-B comes directly to mind: circulation, airway, and breathing. I kneel by her shoulders and then place a palm in the middle of her chest and put my other hand on top, going over in my head how I was trained to do this. I press down hard, making sure my elbows are straight and count to thirty.
I take my hands away and press a palm to her head and cradle her neck with the other, opening her airway. I check her chest for any movement then put my face close to hers to see if I feel any breath. When I see no signs, I hurry and pinch her nose and make a seal with my mouth over hers, breathing my life into her.
When I glance at her chest I see it rise. I give her another breath then go back to giving the chest compressions. I am unsure how many cycles of breaths and compressions I have done. I glance up and see Preston frozen in the doorway. “What are you doing?” he gasps.
“Go let the paramedics in,” I say as calmly as I can, given the current situation. He doesn’t move, he just stares horror stricken at the scene as I try and revive his beloved mama. “Preston, GO!” I demand. He takes one last look at his mother and vanishes. I turn back to Liliya. I have to keep going, this has to be done and help will arrive soon.
Before I know it, a young paramedic kneels on the other side of her head, and I quickly tell him that I haven’t been able to find a pulse and that I started CPR as soon as the panic button was hit.
“Ma’am, can you move away so I can assess her?”
Is he kidding? I continue my CPR on her. “No, we need to keep going.” Ignoring him, I keep counting in my head.
I feel an arm go around my waist and lift me off the floor. “No!” I yell. I have to keep Liliya’s heart moving so they can save her.
“Detka!” Preston says urgently in my ear. “Let them do their job, you did what you could.”
I try to jerk out of his arms, but he has me in a tight hold. As soon as I look down to where they are working on her, the fight leaves me. I lean back into him and he moves his head down to press his forehead into my shoulder. At this point I’m unsure who is holding up who.
I see both of them shake their heads and the one that was talking to me looks at his watch and writes something down on his paperwork. The other one gets up and walks over to us. “I’m sorry,” he says gently. “She has been gone for a while.”
I gasp. “No…” I whisper.
“Oh my God.” Preston cries into my shoulder, squeezing me tighter. “What am I going to do?”
Numb, that’s what I feel right now. I don’t have an answer for him, so I just hold him tight as they take her out and have Preston sign some papers, telling him where she will be. I stand there staring at the bed and then the floor as I try to make sense of what just happened. She can’t be gone, we were just laughing it up this morning.
The emergency crew clears out of the house, leaving traces of the work they were doing. I’m still standing in the same spot, and I can feel Preston not far behind me. I just don’t know what to do at this point, the pain in my chest is so real that I know this isn’t a nightmare. In my own shock I didn’t think about him. I’m being so selfish, he needs me. I turn to see how he’s taking this and find that he is just standing there staring at the floor where she last was, his hands fisted at his sides, his body tense.
I take a step toward him and stop when I notice his face is stained with his tears. My heart aches, and yet the tears don’t fall for me. He needs me, hell I need him just as much right now. I stand before him and wrap my arms around him holding him as tight as I can. His mama was his everything.
He stands stiff for a moment as if I’ve shocked him but then his arms crash around me. He puts his head in the crook of my neck and I feel his tears on my skin. I stroke his hair as he silently cries on my shoulder.
I don’t feel the need for words right now, and I assume he is feeling the same. Slowly, he pulls back and takes a look at my face, then abruptly, he turns on his heel, and with long strides, he leaves Liliya’s house.
I don’t know if he’s mad because I couldn’t save her. I feel so heartless. I wanted to tell him nothing ever comes from crying. Then again, I used to get a beating from my father if he caught me shedding a tear. In that situation, you learn to cry on the inside and not show your sorrow…ever. Now I only cry in my sleep when I have no control.
Sixteen
She’s gone. The one thing that has always been solid in my life, just…gone.
I mindlessly walk back to the main house and into my office, silently closing the door. I look around the room and my eyes settle on a picture in the corner. It’s my parents’ wedding picture, and when I pick it up and study their young happy faces, the lump in my throat threatens to choke me. My mind flashes back to Skye performing CPR, the fierceness she had as she tried to breathe life back into her.
“Mama…” I whisper.
My eyes search the room and all I see is touches of her everywhere, all of this was for her to have a better life. My legs give out and I fall to my knees, looking up at the ceiling. “Why, God? Why her…why?”
I ball my hands and pound the rug as tears stream down my face, it was just the two of us for so long. She helped me deal with the loss of Skye, guided me to find her. She gave me the drive to want more, for her and for Skye.
“Mama…” I repeat desperately.
After a while passes, my knees begin to ache. I have no desire to move or pull myself together. I just want to curl up here and cry, but I know it’s pointless. I can’t afford to get lost in my mind right now. I slowly get to my feet and walk to my desk. Mama and I had spoken about what she wanted me to do when she passed away, and this gives me some purpose.
The only thing she wanted was exactly what we did for my father, we cremated him because we couldn’t afford to bury him somewhere nice. I’ll respect her wishes and cremate her, but then I will bury them together somewhere worthy. I use the sleeve of my shirt and wipe the tears from my eyes. I should call Craig, but I just can’t bear to say the words out loud yet.
There is a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” I answer, flatly.
Skye peeks her head into the room. “I brought you a sandwich,” she says softly.
“I’m not really hungry.” My tone is harsher than I meant it to be.
She steps in. “You need to eat,” she demands. She marches right over and puts a plate with a sandwich and chips on the desk. “You need to keep up your strength. I’ll come back in an hour, make sure it’s gone.” And she’s gone just as fast as she came.
I look around at the empty room and remember I was about to do something. As I’m getting an email ready to send off to the funeral director, I glance at the sandwich and my stomach growls. She’ll come back in an hour, I know she will. Slowly as I type the email I eat the sandwich to make her happy. I outline everything I want done for my parents’ service. This will be my way of honoring them both. When my father passed, just a few people from his work came by to bring us casseroles and such. If it wasn’t for Skye and Lea, the house wouldn’t have had any flowers in at all. I write some other notes on a piece of paper, a to-do list for myself. I press my pen to the paper and pause, images of my mom filling my head. My teardrops stain the paper as they start to fall.
“Oh, Preston…” I hear Skye mutter.
I lift my head to see her rush in. She takes my handkerchief off the desk and wipes away the tears.
“She’s a
ll I had left, Skye.” Emotion chokes me, and I can barely swallow. She’s murmuring next to me, but I can’t hear what she’s saying because the comfort of her is all I know at the moment. She makes me feel as if I have more to work and live for. I grab her around the waist and pull her onto my lap.
“I loved her too,” she says as her fingers gently run through my hair.
“I know you did.” I pull her closer.
She doesn’t say a word, we sit in silence and grieve together. She is all I have now. Like a knife to the heart, I realize my mother will never see what becomes of Skye and me. But I will make her proud.
She slips off my lap and takes the plate. “I’m going to head up to bed, it’s getting pretty late. Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
You. I need you. I can’t voice the thought though. I just don’t know how to make those words come out the right way, so I shake my head. “I’ll be there soon, I’ve a couple more things I need to take care of.”
She silently leaves the room, leaving me alone again. I’m sure I could ask her to help with the arrangements, but this is something I need to do on my own. Putting my elbows on my desk I rub my temples, warding off a tension headache. I can’t believe this is happening. She has been in such good health, I never expected this. My cell phone lights up on the desk next to me and I glance at the screen and see it’s a text message from Craig.
“Dude, I’m so sorry, Shaina just let me know. Do you need to talk?”
I sigh. Craig’s the older brother I never had, even if he’s only older by a few months. He knows me too well, that’s why he didn’t call. I feel guilty that he had to hear it from his girlfriend, but I’m just relieved I didn’t have to tell him myself.
“Not yet, arrangements will come shortly.”
My response is short, but if I ignore him he would be knocking at my door. He’s done it before when I came back and found out Skye was gone. I went a little crazy and my mom called him to come over to get me under control.
His response comes in a few seconds later.
“You sure?”
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