by JC Harroway
Aaron dropped his briefcase and carefully shut the door. “Is everything okay? Is it the baby?”
“What?” She shook her head and gave a rueful smile. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have ambushed you at the door with this. I, ah...” She stared hard at the wood floor beneath their feet. “I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I meant to mention it to you last week, but you kind of distracted me with ice cream and that thing you do with your tongue.”
Despite her obvious nerves, he grinned. “I seem to remember you liking that thing I do with my tongue.”
“I do.” She twisted a lock of blue hair around her finger. “I know it’s last minute and I completely understand if you can’t come. It’s at one at a clinic close to my apartment.”
He stepped closer and framed her face with his hands, guiding her to meet his gaze. “Of course I’ll be there. I have a meeting, but I can reschedule. One of the perks of being the boss.” She looked so unsure that he smoothed his thumbs over her cheekbones. “Unless you don’t want me to go?” Aaron wanted to be in that room with her more than anything, especially since he’d missed her appointment last month. He’d only known about it because Becka mentioned it in passing, giving him a rundown as if it hadn’t occurred to her to bring him and his presence there was no big deal.
It had stung. Fuck yes, it’d stung.
But ultimately having him there was her choice. If he’d learned anything in his time with Becka, it was that he couldn’t badger his way into anything when it came to her. She’d just dig in her heels and set her jaw in that way that would be adorable if it didn’t signal the start of a knock-down, drag-out fight.
She pressed her lips together. “I’d like you to be there. It just feels like a big step.”
He laughed. He couldn’t help it. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, minx, but having a baby is about as big a step as two people can take. We’re already there.”
“Correction—we’ll be there in just over five months.”
He bit back a sharp response to that. Her insistence at holding off talking about anything resembling the future was the one black spot on their time together. “I’ll be at the appointment. Do you want me to pick you up or meet you there?”
“Might as well meet me there.” She huffed out a breath. “This is silly, right? I shouldn’t be so stressed out over a doctor’s appointment.”
It was a big deal. This would be the appointment with the ultrasound, the halfway point through the pregnancy. It was also the appointment when they’d get a good idea if the baby was progressing as it should—or if there were glaring problems.
Aaron pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. “No matter what happens, I’m there.” Maybe if he said it enough times, she’d actually start to believe him. Maybe. He didn’t know what the right words were. Hell, he didn’t seem to have right words when it came to Becka. He wasn’t walking on eggshells, but he was aware that one wrong step might fracture the careful peace they’d formed around themselves.
Not for the first time, it registered that things couldn’t last as they stood now.
But as he looked down into her worried expression, he couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger. Not yet. Tomorrow after the doctor’s appointment would be more than soon enough. They could have tonight. The real world—the future—had waited this long. It could wait another eighteen hours or so.
Aaron smoothed back her hair. “Are you hungry?”
She gave him a half smile. “Is that a trick question?”
If the baby books he’d read had taught him anything, it was that every pregnancy was different. Becka didn’t seem to be suffering many of the ill effects that often showed up, but her appetite was unrelenting. It amused him even as he worried that she wasn’t getting enough. With her job, she burned a significant number of calories every day, and even with her near-constant snacking and meals, it was possible she was in deficit.
He took her hand and led her into the kitchen. “Protein, veggie, carb.”
“Chicken, spinach, rice.” She didn’t miss a beat. “Preferably with some kind of cheese on top.”
Aaron laughed and dug through his fridge to find the chicken and spinach and then pulled a bag of rice from the pantry. He loved these moments with Becka. She dictated dinner, and he put it together while she sipped what had become her customary cranberry juice and they chatted about their respective days.
This is what it could be.
This is what it should be.
She propped her chin in her hands and watched him. “I think I have a solution to your Cameron problem. I mean, at least in theory it’s a good option.”
He covered the chicken breasts in wax paper and pounded them with a meat tenderizer to flatten them. “At this point, I’m about to start praying to some ancient god for patience.” They’d managed to hire a secretary...and the guy lasted exactly forty-eight hours before he quit in a huff after a snarling conversation with Cameron about their differing methods of filing.
“He’s the best damn security-tech expert in the country, but he is just as good at alienating people. It was never an issue when we were a different kind of company, but our workload grew and our clients changed—and Cameron didn’t.” It wasn’t that he expected his friend to change. Cameron was Cameron, and that was one of the things Aaron had always liked about him. But something had to give, and it had to happen fast. He hadn’t talked to Becka about it yet, but he fully intended to take some time off after she had the baby so he could be there to help.
So she wouldn’t be alone.
So he could spend time with his new baby.
The only way he’d be able to pull that off, though, was to find the time to hire someone to handle the client-facing aspect of the company so Cameron wouldn’t drive off every client they had with his inability to tolerate corporate bullshit while he was gone. He was belatedly realizing that a secretary wouldn’t cut it. He needed someone with a wider skill set.
Becka laughed. “I don’t think that will be necessary. Didn’t you say that your little sister was looking for a job? That she was tired of living with your very wonderful parents?”
He had mentioned Trish more than few times over the last month. His little sister had been badgering him to let her come visit. He’d eventually told her about Becka and the pregnancy, and Trish had been asking to come check out the future mother of his child. Aaron had barely held her off. He fully expected to turn around one day in the near future and find her at his front doorstep with her sunny smile and determination.
Aaron moved to the stove and started the rice. “Trish’s degree is in sales.”
“Yes, you mentioned that. Three times.” She smiled. “That skill set would be really useful if you want to ease back from dealing directly with clients on the level you do right now.”
She had a point.
He transferred the chicken back to the pan and started lining up the cheese and spinach to fill the chicken breasts with. “It could work. Though Trish is the sweetest person I know, she’s pretty damn determined. If she set out to carve a place for herself within the company, not even Cameron’s surliness would be enough to stop her.” He grinned. “I might actually pay to sit in on that first meeting.”
“See!” Becka spread her hands and wiggled her fingers. “I’m brilliant.”
“You are.” He leaned over the island and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. Gratitude and happiness welled up inside him, a bolt straight to the heart with that single casual contact. Aaron rocked back on his heels as the truth settled inside him.
I love her.
He had for a while, if he was going to be honest with himself. He stared at the chicken in front of him, keeping his jaw clenched to prevent the words from escaping. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was Becka’s reaction if he dropped that truth on her. She cared for him—she wouldn’t act
the way she did otherwise—but her fear of retreading her parents’ footsteps made her so gun-shy, one wrong word was enough to close her off from him for days.
If he dropped this bombshell?
He might lose her forever.
Aaron cleared his throat. Just because I love her doesn’t mean I have to tell her. Not yet. “I’ll talk to Cameron tomorrow before the doctor’s appointment, and call Trish after. Though we’ll have to get her set up in a place, otherwise she’ll move in here and take over the spare bedroom.”
“My room.” She rolled her eyes at his look. “Okay, fine. I haven’t slept in that room in a month, so I guess it’s not technically my room for the time being.”
For the time being.
She kept putting qualifiers on what they were. She couldn’t seem to help herself.
He set aside his frustration just like he had every other time and focused on finishing dinner. Becka was in his life and in his bed—for now. He’d do whatever it took to keep her there and ensure she didn’t let the past poison the possibility of their future together.
Unfortunately, that was easier said than done.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BECKA COULDN’T STOP pacing as they waited for the doctor to arrive. It had been bad enough during the last appointment, sitting by herself in the consulting room with the knowledge like a rock in her gut that everything had changed and there was no going back. That was before her body had started actually showing changes. Now her stomach had a definite curve and she could actually feel the baby move regularly.
This was real.
It was happening.
She should sit down. Should be able to handle this despite feeling like she was one sharp move away from coming out of her skin. She couldn’t. Nerves kept her moving despite Aaron’s increasing stillness. He’d stopped watching her several minutes ago and had taken up staring at the door as if he could summon the doctor faster through sheer willpower. Knowing Aaron, it was entirely possible.
She was fucking this up, but she couldn’t stop. The future sat like a weight around her neck, threatening to take her to her knees. She might be able to forget the circumstances that had brought her and Aaron back together when they were going about their lives. Playing house. There was no forgetting in that clinic room. The truth was in every diagram on the walls and the table with its thin paper laid over it. It was in the sterile hospital smell that even places like this held. It was even in the quiet murmur she could hear from beyond the walls on either side of them and in the hall as nurses led other patients through the warren of rooms.
I’m having a baby.
I’m having a baby with Aaron.
A knock on the door brought her up short. Dr. Richardson, a short Filipina lady who’d been Becka’s gynecologist since she was sixteen, poked her head in and smiled warmly. “Becka, it’s good to see you again.” She stepped into the room and closed the door softly behind her before turning and extending a hand to Aaron. “Dr. Richardson.”
“Aaron Livingston.” He gave what appeared to be a firm handshake and sat back.
The doctor motioned to the table. “Shall we?”
Becka sat on the table and suffered through having her vitals taken while Dr. Richardson asked her the normal questions. No, she had no concerns. Yes, she was taking her prenatal vitamin. Yes, she was getting enough sleep. No, no weird cravings for nonfood items. Unsurprisingly, her blood pressure was significantly higher than normal.
Next, she lay back as her doctor measured her uterus and felt around. Becka stared at the ceiling, just wanting the whole thing to be over. Until next month when I have to come in again. She held her breath as Dr. Richardson brought out the machine to listen to the baby’s heartbeat.
This was it. The moment when there was no denying how real this whole fucked-up situation was.
But as the seconds ticked by, Dr. Richardson’s dark brows drew together. “Your little one is being difficult today.”
“Is that normal?” Aaron hadn’t moved from his chair, but his question sliced through the air and made Becka wince.
The doctor gave a reassuring smile. “The baby can be in certain positions that make finding the heartbeat challenging, but we’ll do an ultrasound just in case.”
In case the baby’s heart isn’t beating.
Becka’s breath hitched in her lungs, and she couldn’t seem to find the strength to exhale. She blinked blindly at the ceiling as her doctor wiped the slimy shit off her stomach and helped her sit up. Dr. Richardson squeezed her hand. “Don’t panic, Becka. I’m sure everything’s fine.”
The world snapped back into focus, and she wheezed out a breath. She latched onto the doctor’s hand. “I need my baby to be okay.”
“I know. Just give me a few minutes to see when we can slot you in for the ultrasound.” She slipped out of the room, leaving Becka staring after her.
She turned to Aaron. “I need our baby to be okay,” she repeated.
Instantly, he was on his feet and before her. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. “Like she said—listening to the heartbeat with that machine is an imperfect system. The ultrasound will tell us more.”
But there was no guarantee that it would deliver good news.
She buried her face in Aaron’s chest and listened to the beat of his heart. Too fast, a perfect match to her own. “I didn’t think I wanted this baby. I mean, obviously I did because I kept it, but I didn’t really want it. I wasn’t excited. I was just dealing with it and pretending I wasn’t pregnant because I don’t know what I’m doing.” She fisted her hands in Aaron’s shirt. “I want this baby. I want our baby.”
“I know.” He smoothed a hand over her hair and down her back. Over and over again. “I know. I want our baby, too.”
She didn’t know how long they sat like that, her trying and failing not to cry, him whispering words that ceased to have meaning as he rubbed her back.
A knock on the door signaled Dr. Richardson’s return. Her expression was perfectly placid as she took them in. “There was a last-minute cancellation, so we can get you in right now, if that will work?”
“It does,” Aaron answered for her, which was fine by her.
The doctor nodded. “This way.” She led them deeper into the clinic, to a darkened room where she introduced them to the ultrasound tech. Dr. Richardson hesitated. “The nurse will bring you back to a room once you’re finished and then we’ll go over the results.”
Because the technician wasn’t allowed to tell them anything.
Becka managed a nod.
And then it began again. The cold lube stuff on her lower stomach. The wand pressing into her sensitive skin.
She couldn’t bring herself to look at the static-filled screen for more than a few seconds, for fear of what she might see. Instead, she turned to Aaron. He held her hand, his gaze glued to the screen as if he had suddenly acquired the knowledge to decipher it. Hell, knowing the man, it was possible he’d found and read a book about ultrasounds along with every other aspect of pregnancy he’d researched.
The ultrasound tech clicked things on her computer and typed in other things, but she didn’t say a word until she removed the wand and handed Becka a handful of tissues. The woman gave a soft smile. “You don’t have to be worried.” Her smile became less tentative. “Do you want to know if you’re having a boy or a girl?”
How could you ask me that if I don’t know if my baby is okay?
Aaron squeezed her hand, grounding her. “It’s up to you, Becka.”
She swallowed hard. “I’d like to know.”
The nurse’s smile widened. “You have a beautiful baby girl.”
Even as joy suffused her, an insidious little voice in the back of her mind murmured, A little girl. You really are repeating history, aren’t you?
* * *
Aaron
kept a grip on Becka’s hand as much for his benefit as for hers. A little girl. Is she okay? The nurse led them back to the room, and they spent ten agonizing minutes waiting for the doctor to return. Becka didn’t say anything, so he kept his silence. There would be plenty of time to talk once they had the verdict.
Rationally, he knew from his reading that people lost babies all the time. Miscarriages were significantly more common than Aaron could have imagined, and there were a number of factors that went into them—but the overwhelming consensus was that it was rarely the mother’s fault.
Becka would blame herself, though. He saw that truth written across her face.
Dr. Richardson arrived and closed the door behind her. She gave them both a bright smile. “Good news. The baby is perfectly fine and measuring right on track for where she should be. The mischievous little one just decided to be difficult earlier.” She walked over and patted Becka’s knee. “You’re doing wonderfully. Just keep it up and let me know if anything changes or if you have any concerns.”
“Thanks, Doc.” Becka’s smile didn’t quite banish the worried expression in her eyes.
After assuring her that they had no further questions, the appointment ended and Aaron trailed behind Becka as she strode out of the clinic. The baby might be fine, but the adrenaline still coursed through his system. So many things had raced through his mind as they waited through the ultrasound, but chief among them was the knowledge that if they lost the baby, he’d lose Becka in the process. There was nothing tying her to him. She’d only contacted him again because she was pregnant. If that hadn’t happened, she would have moved on with her life and left him to do the same.
Without the baby in the picture, no doubt she’d do exactly that again.
There would be no more shared meals. No more nights spent wrapped up in each other. No more of her lively presence brightening up his home and his life.
He’d lose her—for good this time.
Aaron drove them back to his building and cupped her elbow as they took the elevator up. But as soon as he shut the front door behind him, he couldn’t keep the words inside any longer. “Marry me.”