I drop my bag and follow her, annoyed that something has so naturally shifted. In the room. Inside of me.
***
Dinner is amazing—homemade garlic bread and lasagna. They found enough extra chairs in our basement so we could have a meal around the table. Dylan folded napkins under our mismatched silverware. She lit two candles on the table for ambiance. She claims she found the candles in the kitchen cupboard but none of the guys will fess up to owning them.
“This was fantastic, Lenny,” Miles says and she tries to hide her pride in the fact that five ravenous guys have inhaled every scrap of food on the table.
Bubba pats his full stomach and asks Lenny to marry him. I catch Lenny blush. She’s always had a thing for Native American guys. It never occurred to me that Bubba is completely her type. I also notice Travis’s eyes scanning Dylan’s face one too many times. But he couldn’t be attracted to her. She’s a mess, with her hair falling out of her pigtails and she’s still wearing that stupid apron.
Dylan wants to talk about the game, but she doesn’t ask the score or how many base hits we had, all the normal questions you’d expect. She wants to know why the dugout is called the dugout, and what we think while we’re running the bases, and if we could play for any pro team who would it be, and what exactly is a Lobo, and if we couldn’t play baseball again, ever, what would we do with our lives?
I just listen because this is the Dylan I missed. I spend most of the meal watching her eyes absorb every face around her, and watching her mind absorb every word. She’s so good at being right there, in the moment.
I look around the room at all these eyes on her and realize there’s safety in numbers. Maybe I can handle having Dylan back in my life if I keep it to big groups. I just have to avoid being alone with her. That’s when I feel the force of her energy seep through my skin. That’s when she plants herself deep in my veins, like she’s part of my blood stream. When her energy is widely dispersed, like right now, it doesn’t trap me.
This is my new survival plan.
Travis leans forward and gives Dylan his full attention. He focuses his green eyes on hers, hitting her with a gaze I’ve seen girls fall to mush under. I’ve heard girls nickname him the Best Catch, not only because he’s our catcher, but because he’s 6’2” and single. I have to admit it, he’s an amazing player. He can cover any position in a pinch. Even though he’s tall, he can run the bases as well as the sprinters. He has the most home runs of the season. He’s more than aware of his skills, so he’s awarded himself a reputation equivalent to God.
“What do you do?” Travis asks Dylan in a tone that is more interrogating than friendly. I glance at Dylan but she isn’t intimidated.
“Lately, I’m a full-time star doodler,” she says.
“A what?” he asks.
“I draw stars on everything. It’s this weird habit.” She flips her hand over to show she’s drawn a few stars on her palm.
Travis tries a different question. “Do you live here?” he asks.
“No,” I chime in. I know Dylan well enough to predict that her eccentric answers could go on all night and I’m not in the mood. Travis, Dylan, and the entire table turn to look at me. I set my glass of iced tea on the table with a loud thud.
“She’s just passing through town,” I say. Her eyes meet mine for a second and they narrow.
“Are you in school?” Travis asks.
“It depends what you consider school,” Dylan says. “I believe in self-directed education. It’s this new, hands-on approach to learning.”
Travis looks at me with exasperation. “What the hell is she talking about?”
I raise one of my shoulders. Their conversation reminds me of the way I first reacted when I met Dylan, the way you react to something you’ve never come across before. You question and poke and pry to try and understand it. Or you run from it.
“Water down the crazy talk, Dylan,” I say to her. “You’re scaring my friends.”
“I’m not going to college,” she says to Travis. “I think as long as you have goals and you’re striving for them, that’s all that matters. It’s not what you learn in school, it’s what you do in life that teaches you the most.”
There’s a few seconds of silence as the table tries to grasp what she’s saying.
“Okay, so what are your goals?” Bubba asks.
“Well, first and foremost I want to travel the world. I also want to learn how to play an instrument, like the harmonica or maybe the mouth harp. I’d like to job shadow a volcanologist, or maybe train to be a hot air balloon pilot.”
I watch the table studying her with expressions ranging between confused and amused.
“Is she serious?” Travis asks me and I just shrug my shoulders.
“Then I have daily goals,” she continues. “I try and accomplish one new thing a day.”
“Like?” Miles asks.
“Today I roasted a marshmallow over a candle.”
“That was your goal for today?” Travis asks her.
Dylan nods like it’s a perfectly respectable goal. “It takes a lot of patience and just the right flame proximity to avoid burning the marshmallow. It’s a practiced skill.”
“This is true,” Lenny said. “I witnessed it.”
I watch Lenny and she’s smiling. I can tell she has fallen for Dylan, which annoys me. Lenny doesn’t like me half the time and I’m one of her best friends. Come to think of it, I’m one of her only friends. This confirms my theory. Give Dylan time and she can win over anybody.
Except for me. I know better than to fall under her spell. I know the end result.
Bubba asks Dylan what she plans to do while she’s out here. I sit back in my chair and study her. I’ve been wondering the same thing.
“I can hire you part time at the cafe,” Lenny offers and I shoot her a warning glare.
“I’m a terrible waitress,” Dylan admits. She taps the side of her head with her finger. “No short term memory.” Todd mentions his girlfriend works at a clothes boutique and he can ask her if they’re hiring. I almost laugh out loud at this. The thought of Dylan selling clothes is as absurd as someone in a wheelchair selling running shoes. She’s fashion handicapped.
“It must be kind of slim pickings without a college degree,” Travis comments. His voice is condescending, but Dylan just grins back. The more I get to know Travis, the more I see he lives for pushing people until they fire back at him. He likes to fight.
“College isn’t for me,” she says. She gets this pensive look on her face and I bite my lips together to hide a smile. Here comes her deep thought for the day. “I’m impressed with people who can whittle down what they want to do to one single thing. Don’t you think it’s strange that our whole lives we’re taught how to act and what to think? Then we graduate from high school and all of a sudden, bam, we’re supposed to know exactly who we are and what we want to do, even though we were never given a chance to figure it out. It doesn’t make sense to me.”
“What hippie colony were you raised in?” Bubba asks. Everybody else is just staring at her.
“So, who do you know here?” Travis asks.
Dylan points at me with her fork.
“We met in Phoenix last summer,” I say. “She’s just a friend.”
I feel the table regarding me. Friends. That’s one way to put it.
DYLAN
After dinner Lenny and Travis take off, but I stay to help clean up. I’m determined to talk to Gray tonight, even though he’s equally determined to avoid me, like he’s afraid of being alone with me. He and Bubba recap the games while they do dishes and I busy myself with clearing the table and putting away folding chairs. Miles sits down with me and we discuss the differences between cricket and baseball. He’s shy, but in this endearing way. I wonder if Cat would like him because he sweet and cute and doesn’t seem cocky at all, like she describes athletes.
When the guys are done washing dishes they all head to the living room except f
or Gray, who disappears. I walk outside to find him sitting in a chair on the porch, staring out at the yard. He stands up when he sees me and regards me with eyes that are careful. Too careful. Like there are walls behind them. We both stand there and wait for the other person to make the first move.
“How are you getting home?” he asks.
“I’m walking.”
He sighs through his nose and shakes his head. “Not alone.”
“It’s only a few blocks,” I insist. “Cat lives on Sage Street.”
“Come on,” he says. “I’m walking you.”
The night’s cool and there’s a chill in the breeze. I want to lean against Gray, I want him to wrap his arm around my shoulders, but instead the cold air bites at my skin and Gray keeps a safe distance. We walk for a few minutes and silence stretches around us. It’s so quiet I can hear the electrical hum of the streetlights. I look up and see the North Star shining—the brightest light in the sky. Looking at it gives me inspiration.
“Have you ever heard of a nova?” I ask.
Gray looks up at the sky and shrugs.
“I read about it,” I say. “It’s a sudden increase in the brightness of a star. It makes a dim, dormant star light up until it’s the brightest object in the sky. Everything is ignited until all this energy builds up and it shines.”
Gray glares back at me. He knows what I’m getting at. “That’s nuclear fusion,” he says. “And the star eventually blows up because it can’t handle the reaction.” He looks away as I picture this depressing image. Leave it to Gray to see the dark side of my love analogy. Guess that tactic didn’t work.
“Since we’re on an astrological kick,” Gray says, “have you heard of an eclipse?” I narrow my eyes because I know where he’s going with this. “One second the sun’s shining and life is great and then all of a sudden, it disappears,” he says. “It just flitters off because it can never sit still.”
I stop walking and turn to face Gray, my arms crossed over my chest. He stops walking and stares at me.
“Okay, let’s stop playing this little metaphor mind game because unlike most girls, I don’t live for drama.”
He crosses his arms and stands in the same rigid posture. “Like I do?”
“Gray, I’m sorry I didn’t call you when I was in Europe. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up when I was coming back. I don’t think logically,” I remind him, and he rolls his eyes. “I thought when I saw you over Christmas, we agreed we’d see each other when we could make it happen. I should have stayed in touch better, and I know I let you down. I just hope you can forgive me.” I decide it’s time to throw out the words I’ve been waiting to say for months.
“I still love you,” I tell him.
He frowns at me and I know what he’s thinking. He thinks I throw that word around too easily. “A lot’s changed.”
“Like what?”
“What if I have a girlfriend?”
I stare at him. “Do you?”
“No,” he says and I take a breath of relief. “But what if I did?” he argues. I start walking again and he follows me. “What if I’m over you? What if I moved on just like you were pushing me to do the first time you left?”
I fix my eyes on his. “Have you moved on?” I wait to hear the words validated but he doesn’t answer me. “Gray, we can play the ‘what if’ game all night,” I say. “I happen to love that game. What if you could breathe underwater? What if a human baby was born with six tongues?”
Gray cocks his head to the side as he considers this one. “That could never happen.”
“What if a meteor the size of Texas hits the earth in two hours and sixteen minutes?” I continue. “But what’s the point? We can go back and forth all night wondering what if and miss the fact that this is it, this is life happening in front of us right now and we’re missing it, dwelling on things that haven’t happened.”
He shakes his head and I know what’s bugging him. “See, you can be logical,” he says.
“I know it’s been a while, but we’ve both been busy and happy and living out our dreams. Right?”
His eyes have lost some of their anger and I figure out what’s wrong. He isn’t happy. The shadows are back. The lack of sleep. I know he’s up late. Thinking. Overanalyzing. I know his mind never quiets down and that’s one of the greatest things about him. But I can’t help that we met when we were so young, just when our lives were peaking with change. I can’t help that I wasn’t willing to give up my dreams, just when I was starting to live them.
“What’s wrong with picking up where we left off?” I ask him. “Why can’t we just
make the most of the time we have together when we have it? I thought that’s what we wanted?”
Gray smirks. “Because from my personal experience, Dylan, falling in love with you is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. It’s fun as hell, a rush of adrenaline, until the inevitable crash comes where you leave and my heart splatters all over the ground.”
“Interesting theory,” I mumble. We get to my driveway and Gray looks over at my little apartment, lit softly by a lamp in the window.
“Do you want me to leave town?” I ask.
He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know,” he says. “I came out here to get a fresh
start. This place has no memories attached to my family or my sister or to you. Now you come along, and I know your style. You’re going to leave your mark everywhere. And it’s all fun and games for you, but you’re leaving again. Being the person that gets left behind sucks because I have to live with all the memories. I had to do that with Amanda in Phoenix. I’ve had to do it with you. I can’t do it again. I’m done.”
I nod and it surprises me that I’ve never considered it from his side. It makes me feel selfish, because he’s right. Gray doesn’t spread his love out like I do. He saves it for a few worthy people and he allows himself to depend on those people.
“I don’t want to be weaved in and out of your life when it’s convenient for you. So if you want to stay here, fine, but don’t do it for me. We’re over.” He turns and heads down the street without another word and I watch his shadow grow smaller in the distance.
GRAY
Kari and I text back and forth and she sends me messages like “miss you,” and “you’re cute,” and I wonder if she’s stealing phrases from a box of valentine heart candy. I ask her out for dinner by text since she prefers to communicate that way, and we swap restaurant ideas. She wants to eat at Harvest, this all-organic five-star gourmet restaurant, and yeah, I’d love to eat there too, if someone else was treating. We agree on Firefly, a local restaurant Todd recommends that’s perfect for a date. Girls will respect you for supporting a local business, and you don’t break your budget.
On the way to pick up Kari, I stop at the Brew House to loan Lenny my copy of Super Troopers and she meets me outside for a cigarette. She observes my combed hair and wrinkle-free shirt.
“What fraternity did you recently join?” she asks me.
“I’m taking Kari out to dinner,” I remind her.
She takes a long drag on her cigarette and her eyes turn into attack mode.
“I thought you were above being a player.”
I take offense at this. “I’m not being a player. I have a date. I asked Kari out over a week ago.”
“So, cancel it,” she says.
“Why should I?”
She just shakes her head. “You’re wasting your time, Gray. And your money,” she informs me. “Stop trying to punish Dylan. You’re just punishing yourself.”
I laugh at this assumption. “She’s been back for less than a week, and I’m supposed to drop everything?”
Lenny exhales a puff of smoke and stares at me like I might be suffering from brain damage. “Don’t you get it? She’s trying to make it up to you. She’s trying to prove you can depend on her. She came back here and you’re pushing her away and she’s staying and taking it because she loves you.”
>
I shove my hands in my pockets. “We’re not getting back together.” I say the words like a mantra.
“Get over yourself. She’s perfect for you. I’ve never seen you so entertained by someone—and I’ve seen you really high,” she adds and points a finger at me.
I throw my arms up in the air. “Yeah, isn’t she great? She makes everyone fall in love with her. It’s her gift. It’s her survival plan, so she can travel the world and be a mooch.”
Lenny frowns at me. “She’s not a mooch. She’s the one that paid for all those groceries the other night.”
“This is all temporary to her,” I argue. “You’re all infatuated right now because she’s funny and she’s different. But you can’t depend on her. One day she’s going to get bored and leave and cancel you out of her life.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I think you can count on Dylan more than anyone. I like her Gray, and you know me. I barely like you half the time and you’re my best friend.”
I can feel my shoulders slump when I hear this. Lenny should be taking my side. Now she’s suddenly suiting up to join Team Dylan? Traitor.
“I’ll admit I still care about Dylan when you admit you have a crush on my roommate,” I argue.
She glowers back at me. “What? You’re ridiculous.”
“You said you’d never date athletes. You’re so full of it.”
“Bubba’s not my type.”
“He’s completely your type. Not that I’m okay with that. Bubba needs to grow up before he dates you and I don’t see him hitting maturity until he’s at least forty-seven.”
“We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you and Dylan.”
“No,” I say. “We’re done talking about Dylan.” I toss the movie into Lenny’s lap
and head towards my car.
“You’re being a chicken shit,” she yells.
“Thanks for the support,” I say over my shoulder. “You’re a really terrific friend.”
Lenny stubs out her cigarette and stands up. “If you don’t start being nice to Dylan, I’ll set her up with someone who will.”
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