I shake my head. “I bet.”
“But it might have been too much too soon.”
“Okay, you can pay my rent.”
His eyebrows lift. “Really?”
“No!”
He laughs, takes my hand, and Bucky is happy to be moving again. My dog is panting with anticipation for the adventure he is absolutely sure we’re having. And I guess we are.
“So, what are you going to do, Maddie?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll ask them to give me an extension. I’ve never been late. I’m a good tenant. No big parties, blah blah blah. And even though I don’t think Denise’s shop is a good fit, I’ll show up and do my best. Least I can do since they’re bailing me out of this—even though they don’t know that. This is, of course, on the contingency that they’ll actually hire me. But she’s very loved there, so I feel pretty confident about it.” Glancing to Nicholas I shrug, “I’ll come out okay,” sounding not so sure.
He stops, takes my chin in hand, his warm brown eyes sparkling in the low light.
“I admire you, Maddie.”
Tingles drift as I blink at him. To hear that when there are a slew of women out there right now who mistakenly think I’m evil, is a gift I don’t have words for. He leans down to kiss me—just a brief pressing of his kind lips to my grateful ones.
As Piedmont Park spreads out for us and we find a trail we like, I feel kinda proud all of a sudden.
I just stood up for myself.
Not against him.
But for me.
There is such a difference.
It’s empowering to take back control of my life, and make choices that will help me get past what Mr. Schweis did to me. After weeks of depression, feeling like a victim, I’ve snapped out of it.
Those unanswered applications for nanny positions were heart-breaking. The temp agency flat-out telling me not to call them again, killed me. It wasn’t until I talked to some Mrs. Jacoby on the phone did I realize I was shut out by the group of them on purpose.
To think of all those people gossiping about me with untruths was debilitating.
A slide into darkness was inevitable at that point. I’m human. I have a heart. Unlike that man.
But I don’t have to stay down.
And I only realize that now, after Nicholas was offering to bail me out, be my knight in shining armor.
Part of me screamed, Let him do it! Thank God I’m not alone!
But a quieter part, a truer part, spoke up, too. Not in loud shrieks, but in whispers. If you do that, you won’t feel good about yourself. You can handle anything life throws at you. Maddie, what if you fixed this on your own? Had his support in other ways?
The whispers felt right.
CHAPTER 36
N ICHOLAS
M adison, Bucky and I turn a dark corner on a sandy path, and nearly collide into two guys. The one standing has his back to us and the other is on his knees blowing him, hands digging into a narrow, naked ass.
The receiver hears our surprise approach, looks back, locks eyes with me and cries out, “Nicholas! Holy shit!”
I step back in shock.
Matthew pulls his pants up in a hurry, the other guy leaping upright, wiping his lips as blue eyes dart between me and my thunderstruck best friend. “Oh fuck, is this your boyfriend?”
With barely a whispered, “Can you just go now?” Matt zips and buttons up, staring into darkness.
The guy hurriedly takes off. I blink at him as he glances back once and breaks into a run.
Maddie runs her hand down my arm. “Nicholas?”
Slack-jawed, I stutter, “What the fuck, Matt? I mean, what the fuck?!!”
“It’s not what it looked like.”
Shouting, “Oh, you weren’t just getting blown by that guy?” I take two steps forward. “Don’t lie to me!”
Matthew covers his head and starts to cry. I mean, really fucking wail. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! Don’t hit me! Please don’t hit me!”
I blink at him, confused, guilty, pissed, and all of it is intense. I glance to Madison, searching for help, and she motions for me to go to him.
Pulling my sobbing friend into my arms, I tell him, “Hey hey hey, stop it. I’d never hit you, are you crazy? Why’d you even say that? I’m not disgusted, you idiot! I’m fucking stunned. What the hell, Matt? I mean…why…the fuck…didn’t you tell me you were gay? Or, are you bi? What is going on here? I’m lost, buddy, explain it to me!”
His tears don’t stop though. My best friend, practically my brother, is shaking with sobs, literally wilting, knees buckling so badly it’s a struggle to hold him up.
Tightening my grip, I glance to Madison whose arms are crossed, head down as she watches. She gives me a sad but encouraging nod.
“Matthew, cut it out, man. I still love you. I’m not ashamed of you! And I’d never hit you, ever! Stop crying! You’re okay. It’s gonna be alright, cut it out.”
It’s like he can’t hear me.
The guy is a wreck.
Dead weight in my arms.
We kneel to the ground because he’s too heavy this way and I don’t have the energy after realizing he’s been withholding this secret from me.
After what seems like forever he runs out of saline, just whimpers. I sit back on my heels and let him go. He won’t look at me, one arm wrapped around his head to cover his face. “I’m so sorry, Nicholas.”
“Yeah, me too. I wish you’d have told me.”
“I wanted to. So many times.”
Frowning pretty hard, I’m chewing the inside of my lip with confusion. The years are sliding by me and even as I look back I can’t pinpoint where I could have suspected he was into guys. Not all gay men are flamboyant. Everyone knows that—but not only does he come off as masculine, his interest in women was convincing.
“You were really good at hiding this, Matt.”
“Yeah,” he croaks.
I force a tense laugh, “Come on, you fucker. Look at me.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t!”
Peeling his forearm down I joke, “And here I thought you were asking about Zoe’s virginity because you want to pick that cherry.”
He bursts out laughing, and shakes his head, glancing over to meet my eyes for the first time since he saw us walking up. “She’s safe around me.”
“Guess so.” I drag a hand through my hair, trying to get my brain around this. “Did you think I’d stop being your friend?”
He nods, wiping his face. But, glancing to Madison, he grimaces with fresh pain. She hurries over and squats down by us, touching his shoulder as she reassures him, “You get to love who you love, don’t you know that? You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Tell that to my father!”
I stare at Matt. “That’s why he was beating you? He knew you were gay?”
Sniffling, he nods, “Yeah.”
Dumbfounded I croak, “That’s what he was doing?”
“He thought he could beat it out of me.”
Madison whispers, “Well, no wonder you hid it.” Glancing to me, she gently explains, “And why he thought you were going to hit him. A father’s approval is just as important as a mother’s—even more so for a boy.”
Matthew painfully laughs, “No shit,” locking onto me and holding my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I couldn’t! I just couldn’t.”
“It’s okay!”
His face is twisted up as he looks up at the moon. “Things are going to be different now.”
“Yeah they are! You’re going to get laid more, that’s for sure.”
He blinks back to me, then laughs under his breath, shaking his head.
I’ve got tears in my own eyes now that the shock is wearing off. I can’t believe he felt he had to hide the truth of who he was, from me all these years I’ve known him. All the memories we’ve shared. All the times he told me about some girl he’d been with just to make it appear that he was like me.
He starts weeping again—a lifetime of hidden shame released. It’s not going to evaporate in ten minutes.
I glance to Madison and she’s got liquid eyes, too. She shakes her head and sighs, petting Bucky who is patiently sitting with us.
I smack Matthew’s back and stand up. “C’mon, let’s go get some food. That guy’s already eaten, but I’m starving.”
Matt’s sobs turn to laughter, and he struggles to rise up. I grab his arm and pull him to standing, as Maddie adjusts Bucky’s leash.
We head back to her place for some delivery. The walk is quiet for a while until she starts telling us a story.
“Did you know this was designed by the same man who designed Central Park in New York?”
We listen as she compassionately describes a distracting subject. After a while of not having the attention on him, Matt starts to look not so broken. He glances to me and I jog my chin to her as I throw my arm over his shoulder, “Hey, did I tell you I asked Madison to be my girl?”
“You did?”
“Yep.”
Her smile is shy as she meets my look.
Matt says, his voice raw, “You’ve never had a girlfriend, Nicholas.”
“That’s because I hadn’t met her yet." Dropping my arm I cross over and take Maddie’s hand, lacing our fingers and giving hers a squeeze. “Weirdest twenty-four hours.”
Matt sheepishly mutters, “Ya think?” Staring ahead he sniffles and after bit of a silence, asks, “What’re your brothers and sister going to say?”
“That you’re an idiot.”
He throws me an awkward smile. “You can tell Zoe she’s safe. But Wyatt and Nate--”
Laughing I cut him off, “—I give you full permission.”
He chuckles, and we all look forward to food and explanations.
CHAPTER 37
M ADISON
T he sunlight is bright again this morning, but the world feels wonderfully peaceful. Nicholas is wrapped around me, his leg heavy on mine as he lightly snores, face shoved into my pillow. I’m smiling as I gaze at his beautiful face, and somehow today I don’t feel doubtful that he’s mine.
But I do have to use the bathroom.
Slowly I remove myself from his snuggles, managing not to wake him in the process. In his sleep he adjusts and his breathing changes. I wait for him to settle back in, before I slip my comfy robe on and tiptoe into my hallway, quietly closing the door.
After my breath is minty fresh and I’ve taken care of what I needed to, I walk out and pause before returning to bed with a curious glance toward my living room.
I think I’ll check on Matt, see if he’s still here or if he snuck out. I hope he’s okay, and that a path to healing is his choice.
“Morning,” he sheepishly smiles from where he’s lying wrapped in my extra blankets, his hand busy petting a groggy-eyed Bucky. “Thanks for letting me crash here.”
“Of course,” I smile, tightening my belt. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good,” he replies, gazing at my cute dog. “They never called you back about him?”
“No.”
“Guess you lucked out.”
“Sometimes things happen for a reason.”
Matt locks eyes with me, getting my double meaning. “Yeah, funny that.” He sits up and shakes his hair into place. “You think Nicholas really isn’t mad?”
“Honestly,” I sigh, sitting on the arm of my sofa. “You know him better than I do. What do you think?”
He glances to his lap, picking at bitten nails. “I think he’s the best guy I’ve ever known, that’s what I think.” Chewing his lip, Matt shrugs, “I should have told him a long time ago.”
“I can understand why you didn’t.”
“Should have.”
Rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes, I shrug, “You’re finding your way just like the rest of us.”
Matthew nods. “His dad scared the shit out of mine when we were kids—he tell you about that?”
“No.”
“It was something else. Came in there like a hero. One of the scariest moments of my life though. When you’re a kid, and you’re getting beaten, you think it’s just how things are. You don’t know any different. Nicholas, Zoe, Wyatt and Nate, they were the ones who showed me it was wrong when they saw my bruises and freaked out. But what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t big enough to fight back. Plus, it’s your dad, you know? Then Mr. Cocker came in and tossed my father around like a rag doll. I was watching it, sure the beatings would get worse, wondering if I should stop him, feeling bad for my father—all those things at once. But inside, underneath all of that, I was cheering. Way deep down there was hope. Like maybe it was over.” Matt wryly chuckles, his eyes on the past. “I even hoped Mr. Cocker would adopt me and I could be raised in their house. Fuck, that would have been the best.”
Frowning, I ask, “How did your dad find out, if Nicholas didn’t even know?”
Locking eyes with me his mouth is tight. “I had a gay porn magazine under my mattress.”
“Oh,” I whisper. “He found it.”
“My mom did.”
Shaking my head I run a hand through my hair. “I’m so sorry. Do you think he believes you’re straight now?”
Matt nods. “Yeah, I know he thinks it was a phase. I told them that in family counseling after Mr. Cocker forced him to get help or go to jail. Said that someone had given it to me—that I was too scared to throw it in the garbage and have it be found.”
“I might have done the same, to save myself.”
Bringing his knee up, Matthew shakes his head. “I didn’t say it to save myself. I was desperate not to move away. I’d have told him anything if it meant we could stay next to Nicholas and his family. They’re like my family. I love those guys more than I love my dad.” He snorts, “Obviously. But it would have crushed me to lose them because…of what I am.”
“You’re perfect the way you are, Matt. You were born that way.”
He stares at me. “I know but…”
We look over as my bedroom door opens with less finesse than I used. Nicholas pads out in his jeans and no shirt, giving my groggy eyes a fresher outlook on life. Even more handsome with bedhead and bare feet, he holds up his phone. “My grandmother called, woke me up. Hey Matt, you still up for kicking ass when the time is right?”
Matthew chuckles, “That hasn’t changed.”
“Good.” Nicholas touches my shoulder and bends down to plant a brief kiss on my lips, but his eyes are troubled and angry. “Morning.”
“Hi. What are you upset about?”
He gives Bucky a pat, and sits on my coffee table, facing us. “Madison, I asked my Grandma Nance to find out who your boss was.” As I react he extends his hand, quickly explains, voice low with restrained fury. “She’s on the board of a women’s club, connected with all the wealthy of Atlanta by one or two degrees of separation. I knew she’d be able to find out who blacklisted you.”
“Nicholas!”
“I didn’t want to get you involved when you were feeling like shit, but I’m telling you now because we’re in this thing together, all of it, right? That’s what it means when I say you’re my girl. Plus, I fucking know the guy.”
My eyes widen. “You do?”
“His name is Dane Schweis, right?”
I gasp, “Yes!”
“That’s the fucking creep I walked out on a lunch meeting with.”
My hand flies to my mouth. “Oh my God!”
Nicholas and Matt lock eyes as he says, “We’re going to go kick his ass.”
“I’m in.”
“No!” I cry out, standing up.
He rises too, towering over me, voice firm. “He needs to be taught a lesson.”
“Let me do something! I’ll call Mrs. Schweis! I should have told her before, anyway!”
Nicholas shakes his
head one. “Fuck that. She’s the one spreading the rumor, and my Grandma says she’s a viper.”
“But the kids! Skyler and Kyle are—”
“They’re already affected by losing you, Maddie.” He blinks to the phone, starts walking to my bedroom. “Get dressed. You’re coming to my grandmother’s with me.”
“I am?”
“She wants to meet you so I told her we were coming.” Looking back, he pauses, determined. “Grandma’s going to help you get your reputation back.”
Matthew throws the blankets off and jumps up. “I’m coming, too, right?”
“Fuck yeah you are,” Nicholas mutters as I’m hot on his heels. “I’m going to wear what I wore yesterday.” In my bedroom he dips and grabs his shirt, smelling it. “Yeah, this’ll do.”
Stunned and excited, I turn to my closet, flip through my clothes and find them lacking. “Is your grandmother very posh?”
While texting, head down, he assures me, “She’s a laid back, cool as shit, lady. Wear whatever you want.”
“Well, what I want is to impress her!”
“You already impress me.”
Pausing I go to him and touch his hip. He glances to me, smiles and leans down for a kiss. “Hey, you got an extra toothbrush by any chance?”
“There’s a small travel one I bought a long time ago, never used. I haven’t gone anywhere.”
“Perfect.” He heads out. “Where is it?”
“Bottom drawer.”
I settle on blue pants and a cream blouse that I wear for nanny interviews. It’s fairly loose with a high neck. Looking at myself, I shrug and grab some matching, blue ballet flats, hurrying out to find Matt and Nicholas in the living room talking in hushed voices. “Oh God, what are you going to do?”
“I know where that asshole has lunch on most weekdays. We’ll start there. I’m going to drop you off, say a few words to Grandma Nance and then I’m gonna head out with Matt and my brothers. They’re driving over to her place now. I just texted them.”
Exchanging a look with Matt, I ask, “Why so many people?”
“More fun that way!”
Nicholas smacks Matthew’s shoulder, “Damn straight,” and bends to pet Bucky. “Oh shit, does he need a walk?”
Nicholas Cocker (Cocker Brothers Book 16) Page 17