Or was it because her visible inner torment made my heart hurt?
I’d told myself she was different from my other clients, but the truth was that she wasn’t. She was still one of them – an unfit parent whose child I was supposed to represent. I was supposed to be working for Mercy’s best interests, and instead I’d started working for my own.
I needed to put boundaries into place. Like, now.
When I went in for work the next day, I grew more anxious with every hour that passed. By the time lunch came, I knew I had to confide in someone. Like Max.
He set a take-out container on my desk. “I got you soba noodles today. Hope you like spicy beef.”
“That’s fine.”
He’d been bringing me different things every day, making me try every item on the nearby Chinese place’s menu. I didn’t think he’d noticed I wasn’t having fun with the experimentation. I still ate the food, even if my secret guilt made it taste like cardboard.
I was feeling worse and worse about the free lunches. Not for Max’s pocketbook, but for Jenelle, who thought I’d helped her out of kindness. I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the month. Any day now, I’d tell Max he’d done enough.
He sat at his desk, where I could barely see him, and began to dig into his own food.
“Are you working on case notes?” I asked, desperation seeping into my voice.
“A little bit. Why?” He peered around the computer screen at me.
“I was hoping to talk to you.” I pulled my chair closer to his, leaving my take-out where it was. “You know Jenelle?”
“The reason I’m bringing you lunch every day? Of course I know Jenelle.”
“Okay.” I took a breath. “The thing is, ever since that bet, I’ve kept helping her. I… I gave her my phone number.”
Max’s face went serious. “Shit, Sylvia.”
“And we met for dinner. I was helping her prepare for a job interview…” Except we hadn’t done much preparation in the end. “I know I shouldn’t have done it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” There was no hint of his usual kindness on his face. I reminded myself that he was in fact my supervisor. Our friendship stopped where our work relationship started. “When you won that bet, I thought that’d be the end of it.”
“It was.” I cringed. “I mean, it was supposed to be.”
“So what happened?” He stopped himself and waved a hand. “Never mind that. The question is what to do next.”
“Do you want to reassign her case?”
My throat was tight. I hated the idea of not seeing Jenelle twice a week, every week. Having her coming in early to talk to me. I’d miss Mercy, too. The little girl was so shy and so sweet. I was proud of the way I’d slowly gotten her to warm up to me.
“That might be a good idea,” Max said slowly. “For now, why don’t you head home? Take the afternoon off.”
“You’re sending me home?”
“Officially, we can say you’re taking a sick day.”
His eyes rested on me, and they spoke volumes. He was doing this as a favor to me. If I were anyone else, I would’ve been written up already.
“Okay,” I said softly. “So you’ll meet with Jenelle?”
“Somebody will.”
I understood what he meant. It was none of my business.
My stomach felt queasy as I headed home. Halfway to my place, I took a detour to the mall. A few minutes there told me retail therapy wasn’t going to make me feel any better. I’d fucked up, and I was now in an uncomfortable position.
And even now, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jenelle.
I browsed through a few clothes stores, not finding anything that interested me. Suddenly I found my feet leading me into a toy store. I didn’t know what I was doing there until I ended up in the doll section. I stood in front of the dolls Mercy liked, and some deep part of my brain urged me to buy one.
Of course I wasn’t going to do that. Obviously. I retraced my steps until I was out of the store. I didn’t even look back as I walked straight out of the mall.
I climbed into my car and checked my phone out of habit. A new message had arrived – a message from Jenelle.
I should’ve deleted it without even opening it – but before I could stop myself, my thumb was sliding across the screen.
Hey, she wrote. Max said you’re sick? Are you okay? You seemed fine when we spoke last night.
Another message followed. Don’t mean to be nosy. Just checking in.
I took a deep breath and let it slowly out. I couldn’t even reply and let her know I was all right. Even that kind of simple text would be going too far.
This friendship, or whatever it was, had gotten so far out of hand. I’d been carried away, ignoring all the ways that this was wrong for my profession. And I needed to pull back, starting right now.
I deleted the messages. I wasn’t going to respond. I’d go no-contact. She didn’t need to know if I was okay or not. That was none of her business, the same as she always used to say to me. She could handle a little uncertainty. Me disappearing would be far from the biggest problem she had in her life. After a day or two, she probably wouldn’t think twice about it. Wouldn’t even remember my name.
I wasn’t her friend. I was her social worker – and probably not even that anymore.
It was easy to tell myself all of that. Not so easy to believe it.
And so I wasn’t surprised a few hours later when I found myself at the door of her strip club.
Twelve – Jenelle
I stuck my head into the mini fridge, counting how many bottles of Smirnoff Ice were left. We were getting low – I’d have to tell my manager to order more. I did a quick check of the Corona and Budweiser. Still plenty of those left.
Stepping over to the counter, I made a note of the amounts remaining. Then I checked the cash drawer. Everything was in order.
My movements were slow, even pensive. My visit with Mercy today had been weird. I’d gone in early, as usual, excited to tell Sylvia some more thoughts about the job I’d interviewed for. She wasn’t there, and her coworker Max told me she was sick. But she had to be pretty sick if she wasn’t replying to my texts.
Why was I so worried about her? She must’ve had a support system. I didn’t know if she had friends or family or a partner, but I was sure she had somebody. There was no way she was lying in bed unable to move, or bleeding on the floor after breaking a leg, unable to reach the phone to call 911.
She’d clearly been able to contact Max to tell him she wouldn’t be coming in. Which begged the question, why wasn’t she answering me?
I ran a wet cloth over the already-clean bar rail. The club was moderately busy tonight – a smattering of men were seated around the stage, and a few were in the back rooms getting lap dances.
The back of a slim figure caught my attention. That was a woman, wasn’t it? Blonde hair in a high ponytail – and a nicely rounded butt. It wasn’t too rare for women to come in, usually with their boyfriends or husbands. Occasionally they’d come in groups with some sort of idea that bringing a bachelorette party here was good for female empowerment. This woman was alone.
She turned, and the faint spark of recognition lit up for real. That was Sylvia.
My mouth opened and closed, and my hand fluttered up to my heart. What was she doing here? And why was she making her way over to me?
“Hey,” she said when she reached me. “I, um, thought I’d stop by.”
So she’d come specifically to see me. I still didn’t know why. “You could’ve just responded to my texts,” I said weakly, and peered at her. “You don’t look too sick.”
“No, I’m not. I…” She shook her head. “Would you be able to take a break, or something? Just for a minute.”
“Sure.”
It was quiet enough that no one would miss me. I glanced around and noticed Ginger glowering at me from her seat on a middle-aged man’s lap. She could be as mad as she wanted. It wasn’
t my fault if she didn’t want to be friends.
I led Sylvia into a quiet corner of the club, and we sat side by side at one of the tables. It felt strange to sit here like I was a customer. It felt even stranger to be sitting here with Sylvia.
“I have to tell you something,” she said, rushing the sentence out like it was one long word. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not that nice. I helped you initially because of a bet, Jenelle. Everything beyond my job duties was to win a bet.”
I blinked. Whatever I’d expected to hear from her, it wasn’t that. “O… kay…”
“I liked you enough to keep helping you,” she went on. “Some things barely took any effort for me, but they seemed to make a difference to you, and I said to myself, why not. It wasn’t a big deal. Max always says I don’t even have half a heart, and I’m not sure if he’s right.”
“I see.”
I tried to process this. She seemed to think the bet meant she hadn’t done anything special. I wasn’t sure if it mattered that much to me. Like she’d just said, she’d kept helping me once the bet was over. And whatever her reasons, what she’d done had made a huge difference in my life.
“I went beyond the professional boundaries,” she went on. “I didn’t even think about it. I mean, did you? When I gave you my number, when we met for dinner… Did that feel inappropriate to you?”
My mouth was dry. I couldn’t respond. Couldn’t even nod or shake my head. Certain things had felt not-so-professional, almost romantic… I’d thought I was reading into it. That it was all in my head.
Pressing her lips together, she waved a hand. “Never mind. The point is, I have a code of ethics to follow. I need to cut off contact with you.”
Slowly, I bit my lip. “That’s why you came here tonight? To do that in person?”
“Yes.”
“But I don’t get it,” I said. “You never did anything wrong. We were just… friends.” A flash of heat went through my core, and I knew I wanted it to be more than that.
A strange light came into Sylvia’s eyes, and then I understood. I knew.
Her words from a moment ago echoed in my mind. She liked me. More than she’d expected or planned to. She might not have intended this, she might know it was a terrible idea, but there it was.
She wanted this to be more, too.
“You feel this too?” I whispered. “This thing between us?”
It was like a magnet tugging me toward her. Like a road map with only one destination. Like electricity crackling between us. I couldn’t come up with the right description – I just knew I needed to have her.
Leaning toward her, I stared into her eyes. They were so blue, even in the dim light of the club. They flickered differently with each emotion she felt, and I was starting to be able to read them. I could see the yearning in them now.
Slowly, she nodded.
“What are we going to do?” I whispered.
She leaned in, too, so close I could feel her breath on my skin. “I don’t know. If I transfer you to another social worker, maybe I can see you outside of work. Maybe it’ll all be okay.”
I was already shaking my head, my good sense returning. That’d be too much, too fast. I had to get Mercy back – that was my first priority. And we couldn’t take the risk that dating might not be okay. “No, not yet. Once I get my baby back, then we can think about this. See how it goes.”
“Then what do we do now?” she asked, her voice so soft I could barely hear her. “Do I not see you at all? It could be months more. It could be a year.”
I didn’t know. Truth be told, I didn’t want to change from how things were. I liked seeing her twice a week at those specific times. She was adorable when she played with my baby. And Mercy loved her, too. She’d lost enough – I didn’t want to take any more away from her.
“Tell your boss you’ll be good,” I said. “We won’t do anything differently. We’ll just know that there’s something here, something we’re going to explore when things are better.”
Her eyes were anguished now. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” I brought myself an inch closer to her, a clear invitation for her to press her lips to mine.
She jerked away as if she’d felt an electric shock. “Not here. Not now,” she murmured. “We’re already putting my job at risk. We can’t do the same to yours.”
“Okay.”
If that was what made her happy. I was ready to be done with this job, though. And with the amount of applications I’d been putting out, I was sure I’d be leaving it soon.
“All right.” Slowly, as if she was struggling against her own wishes, she slid her fingers over my hand. Heat leapt between us, and I closed my eyes to brace against the desire that threatened to wash over my inner floodgates. She stood up, and her voice trembled as she spoke. “I’ll talk to you later, then. At work. I can’t text you or call. You won’t hear from me until Tuesday.”
“Okay.” I watched, my throat tight, as she headed out of the door.
A customer waited by the bar, his tie loosened around his throat. He tapped his wallet against his hand as he glanced around the room.
I started to rush over to help him – then stopped myself. My mind was still whirling from the revelations, and I hadn’t managed to fully process any of them. Now that Sylvia’s entrancing eyes and coral pink lips were out of the picture, I could start to think.
She wanted me, and I wanted her. And I wouldn’t see her again for days. And when I did, there’d be a bunch of other people.
I still had to figure out what it meant that she’d only helped me because of a bet – that she wasn’t the person I thought she was.
Still, I couldn’t let this moment go. I had to grab it while it lasted.
Brushing by the waiting customer, I raced out of the door. I’d only be a minute, but I had to do this. I scanned the parking lot for Sylvia. Was she already gone? No, she was there – her slim figure silhouetted in the driver’s seat of her car.
“Sylvia!”
I jogged over to her, and she looked out at me in surprise.
She swung the door open and stepped out. In the dim light, the shadows fell even more enticingly on her face. She was beautiful. I stared directly at those plump, pink lips. My need to kiss them was greater than ever. I had to find out what they felt like against mine.
“What is it?” she asked.
Her eyes searched mine, and I knew all she’d find there was pure, raw desire. There was no subterfuge on my face, no attempt to conceal my emotions. I wanted her, and she was going to know it.
“I couldn’t let you leave like that,” I said. “Not without…”
Understanding now, she licked her lips. The sight of that little pink tongue sent me reeling. “One for the road?” she murmured.
“To tide us over… until we can do more.”
A sly smile spreading across her face, she caught me by the shoulders. My heart pounded dully in my ears. Was this really happening? She was standing so close to me – I could feel the heat of her body, and it was making goosebumps prickle up along my arms. Was I really going to do this? To kiss her – Sylvia? The woman I’d once hated so much, who’d won me over completely?
She moved even closer, so that I could see every little detail of the flecks of blue in her irises. My chest was tight – I couldn’t breathe. My head tilted slightly up and my arms laced around her neck, and my heart beat still harder as her chest brushed against mine. We stepped even closer, so that we’d entangled completely.
Ginger’s attempts with me flashed back to my mind, and I let out a shaky breath. This, this was what it was supposed to feel like. I had something – chemistry? – with Sylvia that I never could’ve had with her.
Sylvia tugged me in to meet her, and all other thoughts disappeared from my mind.
Our lips brushed together tentatively, and my breath caught in my throat. Her lips were so soft, and she smelled so good – cherries? Raspberries? My arms tightened around
her, and I melted into the kiss. And then she was stepping back, stepping away from me.
“We said just one.” Her eyes glowed. “I should go.”
I couldn’t let that happen. Wordless, I shook my head and pulled her back in.
This time, the kiss was longer. Deeper. Our lips meshed together like they were made for each other. Her hands ran over my shoulders and my back. Our bodies melted against each other’s, and I sucked in ragged breaths. This was heat. This was passion.
This was like nothing I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t just a kiss. It was pure fucking ecstasy.
And I had no idea when I’d be able to experience it again.
Thirteen – Sylvia
Getting home was like awakening from a dream. What had I been thinking? Had someone else taken over my body? The entire night had been a series of terrible decisions, from showing up at Jenelle’s work to kissing her in the parking lot.
My involvement with her had already led to me being asked to leave work for the afternoon. Instead of taking that seriously and being on my best behavior, I’d gone in the exact opposite direction and doubled down on what I’d already done.
“What is wrong with me?” I asked Deedee as she rubbed her head against my legs. I scooped her up and ran my fingers through her silky white fur. “What am I doing?”
She seemed more interested in her food bowl than in hearing about my problems, so I set her down and spooned out some wet food. My stomach was sick, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat anything myself. I didn’t deserve to, at this point.
Seriously, had I gone insane? It wasn’t like I was in love with Jenelle. This was lust, plain and simple. I didn’t do relationships, period. And certainly not with someone like her. I couldn’t even imagine it. She’d yell at me all the time – her cheeks reddening, her nostrils flaring, her hands balling into fists… God, why was that thought turning me on?
Leaving Deedee behind, I marched into my room. I lay on the bed, throwing my hands over my face. No, I couldn’t date Jenelle. There was no way – especially considering Mercy. As cute as she was, I wasn’t about to be her stepmother. I had no interest in having children. I was a lone wolf, and I intended to stay that way until I died.
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