One of these days, I needed to come up with a method to cool her down when she got like this. For the moment, I’d try interrupting her. “Do you want to explain your business plan to me?”
“What is there to explain? You read everything. Despite me telling you not to.” Her eyes glittered with rage. “Seriously, Sylvia, what the hell? I’m having a nice afternoon with my kid, and you’re digging into my files behind my back? Do you want me to lose all my trust in you? Because this is a good way to do it.”
“Okay, that’s fair. I get it, I really do. I won’t do anything like that again.” I felt worse than ever. “So… it’s a grocery store.”
Her lips tightened, but her shoulders relaxed slightly. “Yeah. There are none for miles around. Only convenience stores, which don’t have any fresh food, just packaged junk and gross, grilled hot dogs.”
“It’s a food desert.” I’d heard the term before, and I’d also seen it in her notes.
“Exactly.” She looked like she was still mad, but maybe a little relieved, too – like it felt good for her to openly talk about this. “The store I worked at was a twenty-minute drive, and it’s the closest one to here. If I hadn’t been working there, I wouldn’t have had time to buy decent food for me and Mercy. And apparently even what I was buying wasn’t good enough for the government.”
“So you want to fix that.”
She nodded. “I’ve been thinking about this for a year or two, maybe more, planning out how it could work. Now that I have more free time, I’ve been writing all my ideas down, just playing around with them.”
“You want to open a grocery store.”
“Not the big multinational chain kind, but a small independent one.” A new glow came into her eyes. “Get in touch with suppliers who’d be willing to provide bulk orders, so I could make it cheaper than the big ones. If it’s a good location, people might be willing to pay more, but I don’t want to make them. That’d kill the whole point for me.”
“You want to provide fresh, local, affordable foods,” I said slowly. “And it’s not just an idea, you have a whole plan about how to do it. Jenelle, this is… This is…”
“Impossible. I know.” She hung her head.
“I was going to say incredible.”
“Maybe, but it’s not possible, either. Even the lady at the employment center told me so. She said I wasn’t in the right place in life to be an entrepreneur.”
“She’s an idiot.” I covered my mouth. “I mean, I see where she’s coming from, but this idea could really work. People need to eat. Your community needs something like this.”
“Somebody else can make it happen. It’s not for me to do.”
“If not you, then who?” I was getting more passionate by the second. “It might not be ideal that you have a day job, but people start businesses while they’re working all the time. At least you’re not grinding for seventy hours a week anymore. You can do this, I swear.”
“And where’s the money going to come from, Sylvia?” She glared at me. “Is it just going to fall from the sky into my lap?”
“There are loans. Grants.” My mind raced. “You’re low-income, as well as a minority in every possible way. There are probably any number of programs specifically for people like you.”
Jenelle blinked, as if the idea was finally becoming real to her. “Someone would give me money?”
“I can’t say yes for sure, but it’s possible. Hon…” I grabbed her hands. “Anything is possible.”
She slowly shook her head, and she’d never looked more beautiful to me. Her passion was so obvious in that moment, even when she was masking it with this uncharacteristic shyness. “I can’t think about this right now. Maybe after I get Mercy.”
“There’s no rush.” I squeezed her hands. “I wish I knew more about this stuff. I can’t help you too much. It might be worth talking to the lady at the employment center again. Maybe if she knew what a detailed plan you have, she’d react differently.”
“And now that I’m working less crazy hours.” Jenelle sounded like she was seriously considering this. “Yeah, maybe I will.”
“You can do this.” Pulling her close, I kissed her cheek. “I believe in you.”
“Thank you.” She drew back, and her eyes lingered on me with a complex mix of emotions I couldn’t begin to describe. “I appreciate this. I’ve dreamed of this for so long, and I never thought I’d even try.”
“You’re very welcome.” I glanced at my watch. “I do have to go, though. Mercy’s waiting.”
“Okay, babe.” She stood back so I could finish lacing up my shoes. “And Sylvia?”
I got up again, my hand on the doorknob. “What?”
She tried to look stern, but she ended up smiling. “Fuck you for snooping.”
Twenty-Two – Jenelle
The review hearing was only two weeks away, and my anxiety was building with every passing day. I tried to keep my cool when other people were around. Still, I found myself jumpy and irritable. It was a bad combination when it came to having a new job.
I hadn’t told Philip and my other boss my situation, so they had no idea what I was going through. I did my best to keep it that way. If all went well, they’d notice I was in an exceptionally good mood soon. And I’d stay in that good mood for a long, long time. Once I had Mercy back, I’d never complain about anything ever again.
“Have a good night,” I said to Philip as I left one day.
“You, too. Another appointment, huh?” He looked up from his desk and frowned.
I’d told him I had regular appointments twice a week. It was a bit much considering I’d just been hired, but there was no way to get around it. “Yeah. They should be over soon, hopefully. Things are looking good.”
“All right. Hope you’re okay.”
“Thank you.” I wasn’t.
Although these days, my not-okayness seemed to be as much about Sylvia as about Mercy. She was everything I’d ever wanted in a woman, everything I’d never dreamed I’d be able to have. And I had her, but I didn’t. It was tearing me apart.
She’d been amazing enough when it was just casual sex. Now, with the flashes of intense kindness and sweetness, the way she understood me like no one else did… I’d been so mad at her when she snooped through my things, and then she’d been able to talk me down. Or maybe it’d been my excitement to share my big idea with her. By the time she’d left, all my anger was gone, replaced by hope instead.
But I had more hope about opening a small, independent grocery store than I did about getting to be with her for real. She was so certain that she didn’t want a relationship. Every time the subject came up, she was firm that it’d never happen.
Couldn’t she see we were in one already?
I drove a little too quickly through the streets of Miami, my mind distracted by trying to untangle the situation. When I got to my place, the sight of Sylvia’s car in the parking lot sent a pang through my heart. Having her in my home with Mercy almost made it feel like the three of us were a family. But we never would be.
I only had a minute in my apartment before she and Mercy arrived. The two of them greeted me at once. Usually Sylvia faded into the background while I spent time with Mercy. Today she stayed where she was.
“Did you think I wouldn’t know about today?” she asked, her eyes shining.
“Huh?”
“Like I wouldn’t have seen it in your case file. And Mercy knows, too. We were talking about it on the way over.”
I blinked. “About what?”
Mercy wrapped her arms around my waist. “Your birthday, Mommy!”
“Oh. Shit.” My cheeks heated up. “I wasn’t even thinking about it.” I’d been vaguely aware that it was coming – I’d had more urgent things on my mind.
I was twenty-four now. This was not how I’d ever pictured myself at this age. When I was a kid, I thought I’d have a bachelor’s degree, if not a masters, and that I’d be running my own successful business. I
’d never thought I’d have a daughter – or that the government wouldn’t consider me fit to parent her. Bile rose in my stomach, and the bitter taste congested my throat.
“Happy birthday!” Mercy squeezed me tightly. “I made something for you at school.”
I pushed my raw feelings aside. I needed her to think I was happy, even if I was dying inside. “Show me, baby.”
She pulled a card made of construction paper out of her backpack while I tried not to cry. When she opened it, an origami-like flower popped up from the inside. What were they teaching her at her new school? They never would’ve made something so intricate at her old one.
Last year, she was six and I had to explain to her that it was my birthday. I hadn’t expected anything from her, but she’d insisted on trying to make me breakfast in bed. It’d been a bit of a failure, since she didn’t know how to use anything in the kitchen and I had to get up and do everything for her. But the end result was the two of us eating waffles and strawberry syrup in bed together and flicking bits of whipped cream into each other’s faces.
The memory made me smile for a second, and then it squeezed my heart. We couldn’t do that this year, because she didn’t live with me. Because I was supposedly such a terrible mother.
“I got something for you, too,” Sylvia said.
“Not right now,” I snapped. “I’m spending time with my daughter.”
She wilted back as if I’d punched her. But what right did she have to be hurt? If what we had was purely physical, why would she care about my birthday at all?
I focused on Mercy for the rest of the visit, doing my best to forget Sylvia was even there. Luckily Mercy was as adorable as ever, and between her English homework and the game of dominos we played, I didn’t have trouble focusing on her.
When our time was up, Mercy went out to the car and Sylvia stayed behind like last time. “I can give you your gift now, if you don’t mind,” she said softly. “It’s nothing special.”
I pressed my lips together. “Sure.”
“I just got you a red velvet cupcake.” She pulled a cardboard box out from her bag. “I remembered you said you liked that flavor. And I got it at the farmer’s market, so I’m guessing it’s from a small local business.”
I peeled the box open. The cupcake inside was a work of art, layers of brown buttercream topped with multicolored sprinkles. The cakey base was so moist it was shining.
My throat was too tight to eat it. In fact, I was finding it hard to even breathe. “That’s very thoughtful.”
Her eyes searched mine. “You don’t seem too happy.”
I took a step back, setting the cupcake on the kitchen counter. “I’m fine. You should go.”
“You haven’t seemed happy all day.” She made no move to leave. “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”
I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face. “No, Sylvia.”
“I must’ve, because you’re definitely upset. You can’t hide that from me. It’s written all over you.” She stepped closer and placed her arm around my shoulders. “Tell me what’s wrong, babe. I’ll try to make it better.”
I stiffened up as soon as she touched me, then immediately jerked away. “This is what’s wrong!” I burst out. The situation wasn’t going to get any better if I kept being silent about my feelings. I hadn’t intended to open up about my them just yet, but since she’d kept pushing me, I’d give her exactly what she wanted. The question would be if she could handle that.
She blinked slowly at me. “What is?”
“This! You and me.” I waved frantically at the space between us. “You buying me thoughtful gifts. You giving me hugs and emotional support. You calling me ‘babe’ like you’re – like you’re – ” I shook my head. “You’ll make out with me, you’ll have sex with me, you’ll cuddle and talk and do everything else a girlfriend is supposed to do. But you’re not my girlfriend, and you’re not going to be.”
My rant was over. There wasn’t much more I could say. Silence echoed between us.
She stared at me, taking it all in. It must’ve been a surprise – clearly she’d never looked at this that way. Somehow, that hurt me even more.
“Isn’t that right?” My heart pounded between my ribs as I waited for her response.
She looked at the ground, and her head moved – an almost-imperceptible nod. “I’m sorry, Jenelle. I’m not wired for relationships. I just – I don’t believe in that stuff. I never meant to mislead you.”
I sagged against the wall. If I thought she was tearing me apart before, I was wrong. This right now, this was true pain. Hearing these words from her own lips was the definition of misery.
She didn’t feel for me the way I felt for her, and she never would. Love? She didn’t believe in it.
I’d been a fool to think otherwise.
“I had no idea you were feeling this way,” she murmured. “I wouldn’t have been so… I wouldn’t have let things get to this point.”
My heart was collapsing in my chest. Whatever I’d hoped might happen from this discussion – I’d been wrong. I should’ve left things as they were.
“We can keep going like this, can’t we?” she asked. “We’ve been having fun together. Isn’t that enough?”
Slowly, I shook my head. “I thought it was, but not anymore. I can’t do this. I can’t give you my body if you don’t want my heart and soul, too. This isn’t working for me, Sylvia. I want to be with you, but only if it’s all of you. Taking the part you’re willing to give, ignoring that I can’t have the rest – it’s breaking me.”
“Babe… Jenelle… I’m so sorry.” She reached for my hand.
I pulled it away. Swallowing, I considered if I should tell her to leave right now or make one last plea for her to be with me. If I could make her see how perfect we were together, I could have the kind of love I’d only ever imagined. If she said no to me one more time, I might be permanently crushed.
In the end, I couldn’t let her go without one more try. “You don’t see how we’re dating already?” I asked hoarsely. “We sleep together, we talk to each other, you’ve befriended my daughter. We’ve even been out in public a couple of times. Can’t you see how perfect we are together?”
Her mouth opened, then closed. Her hands fluttered up like she was going to do something with them, and then she put them back down. She clearly didn’t have an answer for me. And I couldn’t deal with any answer that wasn’t a “yes.”
“Your friend was right. You don’t even have half a heart.” Tears were forming behind my eyes, and I didn’t want her to see me cry. I couldn’t wait any longer for her words. I turned slightly away, gesturing toward the front door. “Go, Sylvia. Get out of here.”
“I – ”
“I don’t want to hear it. Mercy’s waiting for you in the car. My daughter, remember?” My voice rose higher, turning into a shriek. “Leave, Sylvia, just leave!”
And she left.
Twenty-Three – Sylvia
I felt nauseous as I walked into the agency the next morning. In fact, I’d felt nauseous for about twelve hours straight. Ever since that conversation with Jenelle, my stomach had been sick. How had a wonderful thing gone so horribly wrong?
I collapsed into the chair at my desk, already glad to be off my feet. I’d been so sure that we’d have a pleasant, ordinary visit. I thought bringing her a cupcake was a nice touch. Somehow for her, I’d gone too far.
She didn’t get that I was just a nice person. The gift, the conversations, the hugs… I would’ve done the same for anyone. Okay, none of my other clients – but my friends, sure. I considered her a friend. And sometimes friends had sex – amazing, incredible, mind-blowing sex that made the entire universe shift around them. It didn’t have to mean anything.
I opened my Internet browser and typed in a search for social work jobs in the greater Miami area, just like I’d been doing every morning for a week or two now. Blinking at myself, I closed the site. I didn’t need to look for ano
ther job, if she and I weren’t going to keep sleeping together. I could stay at this one.
Max came in and took a seat, nodding politely to me.
How I wished we’d never fallen out! I could’ve used his perspective on this whole thing. Then again, I already knew what he’d say – that I should’ve never let the “relationship” start in the first place. I needed someone who’d listen to me without judging me. Unfortunately, I doubted that person existed.
I’d done a horrible thing. It was only fitting that I felt miserable.
I reopened the page of job postings. I probably should get out of here, even if I wasn’t going to be seeing Jenelle any longer. It’d be good to make a fresh start. I’d devote myself to my work with new fervor, and I’d abide completely by the code of ethics and standards of practice.
Some of these jobs looked okay. Still, there was a more urgent matter to deal with first. My heart heavy, I went over to Max. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
He looked up, and his face instantly went serious. “What’s going on?”
“I… I was wondering if I could be transferred off the Emory case. Jenelle and Mercy Emory.”
His jaw tensed up. “Their case might be closing soon. We’re hoping Mercy will go home after the review hearing. Why would you want to assign a different social worker to them right now?”
I wrung my hands. “No reason.”
“I swear to God, Sylvia, if you don’t tell me the truth…” Anger flashed in his eyes. “You were already inappropriate with that woman once, and now you come to me asking to be reassigned, and you expect me to believe it’s for no reason?”
“Okay. Okay.” My voice was small and feeble. “I messed up. Bad.”
“How bad?” He pushed his chair back with a squeak, glaring at me hard. He’d lost all resemblance to the fun, laidback man I used to hang out with. He was definitely my boss now, and he was scary.
“Um… I’ve been seeing her.”
“Of course. Of course.” He shook his head incredulously. “I knew I should never have let you stay on her case. So what now, you’re in love with her?”
Half A Heart Page 14