by Max Brand, Achmed Abdullah, E. K. Means, and Perley Poore Sheehan
THIRD TALE
PLUMB NAUSEATED
BY E. K. MEANS
I.
"Yes, suh, I feels plum' qualified to take on a wife."
The black negro blushed to a darker hue and his face shone like polishedebony in the blazing August sun. In his embarrassment he twisted hisshapeless wool hat into a wad, thrust it under his arm like a bundle,turned his back upon the white man's quizzical eyes, and sat down uponthe lowest step of the porch.
At the feet of the white man lay half a dozen pairs of handcuffs. Hestooped and picked up a pair which showed rusty in the bright light,rubbed the rust off with sand-paper, squirted some oil into themechanism from a little can, and busied himself for a few minutes seeingthat his police hardware was in good condition.
The sheriff remained silent for so long that the negro imagined he hadbeen forgotten. Then Flournoy fired a question so unexpectedly that theblack man winced: "What's your name?"
"Dey calls me Plaster Sickety."
"Gosh!" the sheriff exploded. "Can any woman be induced to exchange aperfectly decent name for a smear like that?"
"Suttinly," the negro grinned. "Dat gal's name ain't so awful cute. Deycalls her Pearline Flunder."
"Plaster Sickety and Pearline Flunder--help, everybody! What sort ofchildren will issue from a matrimonial alliance of such names?"
"I reckin our chillun will all be borned Huns, Marse John; but I cain'the'p it."
Under his manipulation the sheriff's worn handcuffs took on a polishlike new. At intervals he glanced up from his task to see the sunlightspraying from the pecan-trees like water and the heat rising from theground, visible as a boiling cloud. Once he heard an eagle scream, andglanced toward the Little Mocassin swamp to behold a black speck sailinto the haze that hung like a curtain of purple and gold upon thehorizon. The negro sat motionless except for glowing black eyesrestless as mercury and all-perceiving.
Suddenly the bear-trap mouth of the big sheriff twisted into a littlesmile.
"How'd you like to give your girl one of these things for awedding-present, Plaster?" he asked, as he tossed a polished pair ofhandcuffs on the step beside the negro.
"I's kinder pestered in my mind 'bout gittin' a fitten weddin'-present,Marse John, but--" Plaster rose to his feet and returned the manacleswithout completing his sentence.
"How much money have you got?" Flournoy asked.
"I ain't got none till yit."
"How you going to buy the license? How you going to pay the preacher?"Flournoy asked.
"Dat's whut I come to git a view from you about, Marse John. All decullud folks gives you a rep dat you is powerful good to niggers an' Ifiggered dat you an' me mought fix up some kind of shake-down so I couldgit married 'thout costin' me nothin'."
"Don't you ever read the Bible?" Flournoy growled. "Even Adam's wifecost him a bone."
"Yes, suh," the negro grinned. "But I figger ef Sheriff Flournoy hadbeen aroun' anywheres at dat time, maybe Adam would 'a' got off a wholelot cheaper."
"Have you got a job to support your wife?" Flournoy asked.
"Naw, suh."
"Have you got a house to live in?"
"Naw, suh."
"Where are you going to live with her--in a hollow sycamore-tree?"
"Yes, suh, I reckin so--dat is, excusin' ef you don't he'p us none."
"Where are you two idiots going to derive your sustenance--from thecircumambient atmosphere?"
"Dat's de word, Marse John--dat is, excusin' ef you don't loant us ahand in our troubles," the negro murmured, wondering what the sheriff'sbig talk meant.
"Do you love this black girl very much?" the sheriff asked with that oddturn of tone with which every man speaks of love when he is in love withlove.
"Boss," the black man answered in a voice which throbbed, "I been lovin'dat gal ever since she warn't no bigger dan--dan--dan a June-bug whuthad visited accidental a woodpecker prayer-meetin'."
"Is she good to look at, Plaster?" Flournoy smiled.
"Well, suh, I cain't lie to no white man, Marse John; an' I tells youhonest--she looks a whole heap better at night in de dark of de moon."
"If she ain't a good-looker, why do you love her?" Flournoy askedwithout a smile.
"She's good sense an' jedgment, Marse John," the black man answeredearnestly. "An'--an'--I jes' nachelly loves her."
Flournoy studied a moment, twisting a pair of steel handcuffs in hisgiant hands. Finally he spoke:
"Plaster, I have a cabin down on the Coolie Bayou which I have given tothree young married couples in succession on the condition that theylive there in peace and amity one year."
"Yes, suh."
"Every couple broke up and got a divorce within nine months."
"Too bad, Marse John, dat's mighty po' luck."
"You niggers think you love each other until you get hitched and thenyou don't stay hitched."
"Some shorely don't--dey don't fer a fack."
"Now I make you and Pearline Flunder this offer. I will buy yourmarriage license, pay Vinegar Atts to marry you, bear all the expense ofa church wedding, give you a job so you can support your wife, and Iwill make you a present of that cabin down on the Coolie Bayou if youand your wife will live together for three days without busting up in arow."
"Three days, Marse John!" the negro howled. "Boss, I motions to make itthurty years!"
"No!" Flournoy snapped. "Three days!"
"I's willin', Marse John," the negro laughed, cutting a caper on thegrass.
"All right!" the sheriff said as he stooped and picked up a pair ofhandcuffs. "Now listen: I intend to cut the little chain on these twomanacles and attach each cuff to a ten-foot chain. When you and Pearlineare married, I am going to put one of these manacles around her wristand one around your wrist"--the negro showed the whites of hiseyes--"and bind you two honey-loves together with a ten-foot chain."The negro looked behind him toward the gate and the public highway, tooka tighter grip upon his hat, and made a furtive step backward. "You areto remain bound together for three days." The negro smiled and steppedforward. "At the end of that time you are to come here and report, andif you agree to spend the remainder of your life together, the cabin isyours!"
"Make it a two-feets chain, Marse John, so us kin git clost to eachyuther," Plaster pleaded.
"What I have spoken I have spoken," Flournoy proclaimed autocratically."Now, go tell your sweetheart all about it."
II.
The Big Four of Tickfall sat around a much bewhittled pine table in theHen-Scratch saloon. The room was hazy with their tobacco smoke.Conversation languished. The session was about to adjourn untilto-morrow at the same hour. Figger Bush laid his cigarette upon the edgeof the table, lifted his head like a dog baying the moon, and chanted:
"O you muss be a lover of de landlady's daughter Or you cain't git a secont piece of pie!"
Before the other could catch the tune, the green-baize doors of thesaloon were thrown open and a white man entered. Every negro looked upinto that granite face with its deep-set eyes, iron jaw, and ruggedlines of strength and purpose, and smiled a joyful welcome:
"Mawnin', Marse John. 'Tain't no use to come sheriffin' down dis way. Noniggers ain't done nothin'."
"I am hunting for a Methodist clergyman of color," Flournoy grinned.
"Boss," Vinegar Atts chuckled as he rose to his feet, "I's de blackestan' best nigger preacher whut is, an' I b'lieves in de Mefdis doctrineof fallin' from grace an' grease. Ef you misdoubts my words, ax my wife.Dat ole woman admits dat fack herse'f."
"I want you to perform a wedding ceremony at the Shoofly Church to-nightat seven o'clock," the sheriff announced.
Instantly the Rev. Vinegar Atts thrust both hands into the pockets ofhis trousers and brought his hands out, turning out the pockets andshowing them empty.
"Dar now, Figger Bush!" Vinegar bellowed. "I tole you dat de good Lawdwould pervide a way fer me to pay fer dem near-booze grape-juices I beenguzzlin' in yo' sinful saloom! Five dollars will s
ottle wid you an'leave a few change over fer seegaws."
"Who's cormittin' mattermony, Marse John?" Mustard Prophet wanted toknow. "Is it one of dese here shotgun weddin's?"
"Plaster Sickety wishes to wed Pearline Flunder."
"I knows 'em," Hitch Diamond rumbled from his big chest. "De good Lawdwill shore got to pervide fer dem coons like He do fer VinegarAtts--nary one is got git-up enough to make a livin'."
"Those young colored honey-birds are under my special care andprotection," Flournoy announced, smiling. "I intend to house them andtake care of them and get them work. They are an experiment."
"De trouble wid experiments is dis, Marse John," Mustard chuckled,"sometimes dey bust in yo' face."
"My plan is this," Flournoy told them. "I am going to tie those twonegroes together with a ten-foot chain and they are to live in peace andamity for three days."
"Lawdymussy, Marse John!" the Rev. Vinegar Atts bellowed. "Did you evertie two cats to each yuther an' hang 'em over de limb of a tree?"
"Yes."
"Does you recommember how quick dem cats got tired of each yuther'ssawsiety an' fell out wid theirselves?"
"Certainly."
Vinegar jerked a yellow bandana handkerchief from the tail of his coatand mopped the top of his bald head.
"You mought care fer dem niggers ef you ties em togedder, Marse John.But you ain't gwine be able to pertection 'em--not from each yuther,"Vinegar announced as he slapped at his face with his kerchief. "Iwouldn't be tied to my nigger wife wid a telephone-wire long enough toconversation de man in de moon. Naw, suh! Dat ole gal would be yankin'on dat line a catfish all de time. Whoosh!"
"I agrees wid dem religium sentiments," Hitch Diamond rumbled. "Now youexample Goldie, my own wife. Dat little yeller gal's maw is a lunatic,an' Goldie ain't no lunatic, but she ain't got her right mind. Iwouldn't mind bein' a Dandylion in de lion's den, like de Bible tellsabout--dat would gib me a chance to fight fer my gizzard. But chained upto Goldie--"
Hitch broke off, shook his head in earnest negation, rubbed one gianthand around his iron-thewed wrist as if he could feel the holy bonds ofmatrimony and gave utterance to one expressive word: "Gawd!"
"Hol' on, niggers!" Figger Bush exclaimed. "I don't foller you-alls indem sentiments. Now I been married to Scootie gwine on two year an' Iain't never got too much of dat gal yit. I cherishes de opinion datMarse John could tie our heads togedder an' I wouldn't complain none."
"I sides wid Figger Bush," Mustard Prophet grinned. "I been livin' offan' on wid Hopey fer twenty year, an' dat gal is busted stovewood overmy head off an' on plenty of times, but I don't bear her no grouch. Shekin always make peace by givin' me some hot biskits an' a few sirup."
"You four niggers talk too much," Flournoy grinned. "I want you to getbusy and decorate that Shoofly Church and pull the biggest Tickfallchurch wedding ever seen in the social sets of our colored circles. I'llpay for everything."
"Us fo' niggers will git our wifes an' pull some kind of nice stuntourselfs, too, Marse John," Vinegar howled. "We'll fix up a goodsend-off fer 'em."
At seven o'clock that evening the Flournoy automobile conveyed the happypair to the Shoofly Church. The Rev. Vinegar Atts proceeded with theceremony until the bride sported a new ring and the two were pronouncedman and wife with the solemn admonition:
"Whom God hath joined together, let not man put asunder!"
Thereupon Sheriff Flournoy stepped forward and with the ease of longpractice slipped a manacle upon the right wrist of the bride and anotherupon the left wrist of the groom and snapped the handcuffs shut.
Figger Bush stooped and lifted a long bottle from a bucket of ice. Therewas a loud pop, the cork struck against the ceiling, ricochetted aroundthe walls of the room and caused a commotion by falling on Vinegar'sbald head. Figger advanced with a tray containing three glasses and thesheriff toasted the bride and groom.
The ten-foot chain rattled as the bride raised her manacled hand todrink.
When they marched out of the church the entire congregation formed aprocession and accompanied them to their cabin on the Coolie Bayou. Theynoticed that Plaster Sickety picked up the chain and wrapped a turnaround his bride's neck and one about his own, thus shortening the bondand bringing them close together. They clamped their arms around eachother's waists, and plodded solemnly through the deep dust of thecrooked highway.
"Dat nigger cain't park his wife like a new automobile an' walk off an'leave her," Vinegar chuckled.
"He ain't actin' anxious to git away--now," Hitch rumbledpessimistically.
"Not yit, but soon," Vinegar agreed.
Approaching the cabin, Plaster Sickety's voice broke into exultant song,and through the negro's wonderful gift of improvisation, he producedthis neat bit:
"Dar's a Pearline pearl of price untold, An' dat Pearline pearl cain't be bought wid gold; An' dat Pearline pearl am good to see, Fer dat Pearline pearl b'longs to me!"
"Listen to dat fool!" Hitch Diamond chuckled. "He's singin' like alittle black angel whut had swiped de pearliest pearl offen de pearlygates!"
The bride and groom entered their cabin and softly closed the door.
Good night!
III.
"Looky here, Pearline, I ain't used to totin' dis ole steel band on mywrist an' it hurts my feelin's," Plaster complained as he sat at thebreakfast-table before a meal which had been left on the door-step a fewminutes before by Hitch Diamond.
"Don't begin to howl an' pull back like a dawg tied under a wagin,Plaster," Pearline urged prettily, as she helped herself to liberalportions of the breakfast prepared in Sheriff Flournoy's kitchen. "Youwon't kick about wearin' it as long as you loves me, will you?"
"No'm," Plaster said, as he lifted the chain to a more comfortable placeupon the dining-table. "But I shore wish dat white man hadn't choosedsuch a heavy chain."
"Dis chain ain't heavy, Plaster," Pearline protested. "You hadn'toughter talk dat way. Excusin' dat, I likes dis chain--it ties us toeach yuther. Don't you like it?"
"Yes'm, I shore does."
"How come you complains about it fer?"
"I ain't got no lament, Pearline--dat is, I ain't mean it dat way."
The bridegroom filled his mouth with food and for the next ten minutesate voraciously. One watching him would draw the inference that he wasnot eating to enjoy the food so much as to find some occupation for hismouth beside speech.
Pearline reached out with her free hand and toyed with the chain,twisting it about her fingers lovingly, a dreamy light in her coal-blackeyes.
"Us had de biggest weddin' in cullud circles, Plaster," she murmured.
"I ain't no cullud circle," Plaster mumbled, his mouth full of food."But I reckin I got to run circles aroun' you 'slong as dis ole chainstays on. Don't rattle dat chain so loud, Pearly! Gosh! It makes a heapof racket fer its little size."
"You jes' now said it wus a big, heavy chain fer its size," his wifereminded him in a sweetly argumentative tone.
"Yes'm, it am--dis chain is bofe little an' big--fer its size," thegroom amended hastily. "Stop talkin' about dis chain!"
"You started dis talk," she reminded him reproachfully. "You said ithurted yo' wrist."
There was a loud knock upon the door. Plaster sprang up to answer. Thechain jerked at his wrist.
"Good gawsh!" he snorted. "Come to de door wid me, honey, so I kin openup."
"I cain't, Plaster," the bride exclaimed in a panic. "I ain't dressedfer comp'ny dis soon in de mawnin."
"You's got on all de clothes you owns," the groom reminded her.
"Suttinly, but I ain't got no white powder on my black nose," shegiggled. "Come back in de nex' room an' let me fresh up befo' we opensde door."
"I stayed in dar a plum' hour while you wus freshin' up fer yo'viteles," Plaster grumbled.
"Don't git grumped up, Plaster," Pearline urged. "You ack like yo' loveis commenced to wilt aroun' de edges."
Meekly the man followed her to the bedroom and stood for
fifteen minuteswhile the bride primped her hair, powdered her nose, adjusted hercollar, fiddled with her belt, put pins in her shirt-waist, took themout and deposited them in her mouth, put them back into her waist,turned around and looked at herself in the mirror, hunted for a freshhandkerchief and could not find it, located it at last in the bosom ofher waist, wondered where she had left her chewing-gum, found it on topof the box of face-powder, and finally said:
"Come on--less hurry up. Dat comp'ny will git tired waitin' fer us!"
"Dat comp'ny is gone done it," Plaster sighed. "I peeped through decrack in de door an' seed 'em. Hitch Diamond knocked fo' times, denopened de door an' picked up dem breakfast-dishes an' trod out."
"Dat's too bad," Pearline remarked with no interest whatever. She waslooking at herself in the mirror. "I'd like to seen Hitchie. He use tobe one of my ole sweethearts."
"Come out an' set under de tree wid me an' mebbe dat ole sweetheart ofyourn will come back," Plaster suggested.
"I don't like to git out in de sunshine," the girl replied. "Dar's toomuch glare."
"Too much--which?" Plaster asked.
"Glare."
"Yes'm."
Plaster stood looking at her helplessly, wondering where they were goingfrom there.
"Does you love me, Plaster?" the girl asked, siding up to him andstepping on the chain.
"Yes'm," Plaster answered as he pulled the chain from under her feet andrubbed his wrist. "Don't step on dat chain no mo'. You might break it."
"How come you don't tell me you loves me?"
"I done tole you 'bout fawty times dis mawnin'," Plaster reminded her.
"But you ain't never tole me onless I axed you."
"Less go somewhar an' set down an' I'll tell you a millyum times,"Plaster said eagerly.
"Bless Gawd, I knows you loves me a plum' plenty, but I likes to hearyou tell dem words. Wait a minute till I puts--er--I b'lieve I oughterchange de collar on dis dress. A clean one would make me look mo'fresher."
Plaster lingered until the woman was dressed to her fancy, resting hisweight first on one impatient leg, then upon the other.
"You wastes a heap of time fixin' yo'se'f, Pearly," he sighed at last."I hopes you'll soon git dressed up fer de day."
"You wants yo' wife to look nice, don't you?" she asked reproachfully.
"Yes'm."
"How kin I look nice 'thout takin' de time to dress?"
They went out and sat down under the pecan-tree in the "glare." Pearlineseemed to have forgotten the glare. Plaster lighted a cigarette, smokedit to the end, lighted another, smoked it to the end, and lightedanother. Then Pearline remarked:
"Honey, does you love me more dan you loves dem cigareets?"
"I shore does"--with moderate fervor.
"Does you love me a millyum times mo' dan you loves cigareets?"
"Suttinly."
"Den, fer gossake, throw dem cigareets away! Dey smells like some kindo' fumigate."
"I cain't do that, Pearly. Dese here smokes costes money. An' I couldn'taffode to buy 'em ef I had to wuck fer de money. Dey's a weddin'present."
"Is you gwine smoke all yo' married life?"
"Yes'm."
"But you ain't gwine smoke no mo' fer de nex' three days, is you?"
"No'm."
Pearline thrust her hand into Plaster's pocket and brought forth hisprecious smokes. She concealed them in the mysterious recesses of herattire and Plaster sighed deeply.
Ten minutes later the girl straightened up with a fierceness that nearlysnapped her spinal column.
"Fer mussy sake, Plaster Sickety! Whut is you got in yo' mouf?"
"I's nibblin' a few crumbs of terbacker, honey," Plaster saidapologetically.
"My gawsh! You aim to tell me dat you _chaws_?"
"Yes'm. I chaws a little bit now an' den. It kinder helps my brains tothink an' sottles my stomick."
There was a long silence. Plaster stared straight ahead of him, hisjaws moving with the regularity of a ruminant cow, his eyes countingthe leaves on the trees, the pickets on the broken-down fence, andestimating the number of ants crawling out of a hill. Then,unconsciously, he reached into his pocket for another cigarette.He did not find it.
He heard a suspicious sound beside him and looked at Pearline.
"Whut you cryin' about honey?"
"You tole me you loved me more dan cigareets, an' yit you cain't set byme a minute 'thout chawin' terbacker," she wailed. "You is blood kinbrudder to a worm an' a goat--nothin' else chaws!"
"Lawd!" Plaster sighed in desperation. "I sees now dat I'm got to learnhow to suck eggs an' hide de shells."
Suddenly a loud whoop was heard near at hand and out of the swamp cameVinegar Atts, Figger Bush, Mustard Prophet and Hitch Diamond.
"Hey, niggers!" Plaster bawled. "Come up an' set down. Lawd, I nefer wusso glad to see nobody in my whole life."
"Good mawnin', Sister Pearline!" Vinegar chuckled. "How is yo'-allsenjoyin' mattermony life by now?"
"Fine," the bride smiled, with a suspicion of tears still in her eyes.
"Praise de Lawd!" exclaimed Vinegar. "I wus skeart you niggers would befightin' by now, an' mebbe one of yous would be draggin' de yuther on deend o' dat chain--dead!"
"Naw, suh!" Plaster howled, as he snatched a cigar out of HitchDiamond's pocket and stuck it in his mouth. "Us is gittin' alongpuffeckly."
Plaster snatched his cigar from his lips with his manacled hand andflourished it with a motion of broad contentment. Pearline gave thechain a quick jerk and the smoke flew from Plaster's fingers and fellover in the high grass.
"You two idjits look like a holy show to me," Figger Bush cackled. "Howcome you don't charge admissions to de show an' git rich?"
"Us wouldn't git rich quick," Pearline giggled. Hitch Diamond hadretrieved the cigar, and Pearline had taken it from him and stuck it inher hair. "You-all is de onlies' comp'ny we is had till yit."
"I hopes you niggers will stay wid us all day, brudders," Plasterexclaimed earnestly. "We wus feelin' kinder--er--me an' Pearline wusfeelin' sorter--er--"
"Uh-huh," Hitch Diamond grunted knowingly. "Dat's a fack. We ole marriedfolks onderstan's dem feelin's. I'd feel dat way mese'f ef I wus in yo'fix. I'd whet up my teeth on a brick-bat an' bite myse'f in my owngizzard an' die."
"Not me!" Figger Bush howled. "Ef I wus chained to dat little gal, I'dgit me a plow-line an' wrop it aroun' our necks."
"I would, too," Vinegar bellowed. "But I'd tie de yuther eend of datplow-line to a tree an' jump off de worl'."
"I bet Pearline don't hanker to jump offen no worl'," Mustard Prophetproclaimed. "Look at her--she's jes' as happy as ef she had sense."
The eyes of the four men turned upon the girl appraisingly. ThenPearline remembered that a few moments before she had been sniffling andshedding tears. She was sure her eyes were red, and she knew the tearshad washed all the white powder off her black nose. Quickly she rose toher feet, giving the ten-foot chain a sharp jerk.
"I hates to take you from yo' frien's, Plaster," she exclaimed, "but I'mgot to go in. I cain't stand de glare."
Side by side they entered the cabin and the chain rattled as they shutthe door.
And the evening and the morning were the first day.
IV.
"Stop scatterin' dem shavin's all over de floor, Plaster," Pearlinecommanded. "Ef folks comes to see us, I don't want dis house allliterated up wid trash."
"I got to whittle while you sews, honey," Plaster said patiently. "Iwanted to sot out in the yard, but you kep' me in de house all yistiddyafternoon because you said you had de headache from de glare."
"You kin whittle 'thout messin' up dis room," Pearline snapped.
"I likes a messy room," the man declared. "It looks like folks lived init an' wus tol'able comfer'ble."
"You cain't mess up my house ef I got to come atter you an' clean up,"the woman replied in a tone of finality.
A hound-dog stuck his wistful face into the door, seeking an invitationto enter.
"Dar's a frien' in need," the bridegroom proclaimed happily. "Come here,dawg!"
"Git out o' here!" the woman shrieked, kicking at the hound and sendinghim out with a howl. "I don't want dat houn' in dis house scratchin' hisfleas all over de rooms. Look at de mud dat dawg tracked in. Come wadin'through de bayou an' den come trackin' through de house!"
"Dar's some advantages in livin' a dawg's life, Pearline," Plastersighed. "Even excusin' de fleas, dar's plenty advantage. A dawg, even amarried dawg, he ain't tied up all de time an' kin run aroun' some."
"You aims to say you's gittin' tired stayin' here wid me?" Pearlinesnapped.
"No'm. Nothin' like dat. I's happy as a mosquiter on a pickaninny'snose."
"Ef you feels tied up like a houn'-dawg in de middle of de secont day,how does you expeck to feel in de middle of de secont year?"
Plaster thought it best not to venture a reply. He looked through theopen door at the hound, lying under the china-berry tree in the glare,placidly scratching fleas, bumping the elbow of his hind leg on the softground as he scratched.
"Don't you never answer no 'terrogations when I axes you?" Pearlineasked sharply. "How you gwine feel in de middle of de secont year?"
Out of sheer perversity Plaster was disposed to tell her that he wouldfeel dead and buried for at least a year before the time she mentioned,but instead he swallowed hard three times. His throat was dry and histongue rasped his mouth like sandpaper. His answer, finally, was a song:
"She'll be sweeter as de days go by; She'll git sweeter as de moments fly; She'll git sweeter an' be dearer As to me she draws mo' nearer-- Sweeter as de days go by."
Thereupon Pearline jumped from her chair, got strangle-hold upon herhusband, sat down on him, and impressed him forcibly in the nexthalf-hour that his wife was a heavyweight and the day was extremelywarm.
Plaster made such a hit with his improvised song that he repeated itthree times, then gradually eased his wife off his lap and onto a chair.
"Don't you never shave yo' face, Plaster?" the lady asked when the lovescene ended. "You feels like a stubby shoe-brush."
"No'm, my whiskers don't pester me none."
"But dey looks so bad," the woman urged.
"I cain't see 'em," Plaster grinned.
"I wants you to shave eve'y day while you is married to me."
"Huh," Plaster grunted.
"An I wants you to brush up yo' clothes, Plaster," the woman told him."You looks scandalous dusty."
"I looks as good as you does," Plaster retorted. "I's got powdered dirton my clothes an' you's got powdered chalk on yo' nose. You looks todang dressy fer me anyhow. I favors bein' dusty an' easy-feelin'."
The discussion ended by the appearance of three women who came to theopen door from the highroad.
"Look at dat, now!" Plaster exclaimed. "Here comes three ole gals ofmine. I co'ted 'em all servigerous but it didn't git me nothin'."
"Whut dey buttin' in here fer?" Pearline asked in sharp tones.
"Mebbe dey'll tell us when dey comes in," Plaster chuckled.
The three women were the wives of Hitch Diamond, Figger Bush, andVinegar Atts. When they entered they came straight to the point.
"Plaster, us ladies wants to talk to Sister Pearline Flunder Sickety inprivut."
"Dat cain't be did, sisters," Plaster answered, looking them oversuspiciously. "Whut does you want to tell my wife in privut?"
"Dat's a secret," Scootie Bush giggled.
Plaster looked at the women with an earnest effort to read theirintentions. He recalled certain incidents in his association with thethree in the old days of happy courtship that he preferred his wifeshould not know. He thought he saw mischief in the eyes of each of thewomen, especially Scootie and Goldie, and he shook his head.
"Nothin' ain't told in privut, sisters," he announced. "Leastwise, nottill after de third day."
"Does you aim to say dat I cain't conversation in privut wid myfrien's?" Pearline snapped.
"No'm not perzackly dat," Plaster hastened to explain. "But it lookskinder onpossible to me as long as I'm tied up wid you on dis chain."
"Git over again dat wall while dese ladies whispers to me," Pearlinereplied, giving him a push.
Plaster sat down and strained his ears to hear. What he heard wasspasmodic giggles. He saw mischievous glances directed to himself. Oncehe saw his wife look straight at him reproachfully, as if she suspectedthat he was trying to overhear. There was half an hour of this, then thethree giggling women took their departure.
"Whut did dem nigger women want, Pearline?" Plaster demanded.
"Dat's a fambly secret," Pearline giggled.
"Does you think you oughter hab any secrets from yo' cote-househusbunt?" Plaster demanded belligerently.
"Naw, suh. Not no secrets dat stays secrets, but dis here little myst'rywill git public powerful soon."
Coming through the medium of Plaster's troubled conscience, this answersounded ominous. Pearline picked up some sewing and Plaster reached forhis unwhittled stick. He spent one half-hour in deep thought. He wassorry he had told Pearline that those three women were old sweetheartsof his. He recalled that his courtship of each woman had broken up in arow and a fist-fight. It had been one-sided, the women conducting therow and doing all the fighting while Plaster endeavored to escape. NowPlaster had no other idea than that they were hot on his trail. Theywere planning to make his life miserable through the jealousy of hiswife.
There was a loud knock on the front door. The two arose and the dooropened to Vinegar Atts, Figger Bush, and Hitch Diamond.
"Sister Sickety, us three niggers is a cormittee of three app'inted towait in privut on Brudder Plaster Sickety an' hol' a secret confab widhim," Vinegar announced pompously.
"I don't allow my husbunt to hab no secrets from me," Pearline answeredlooking suspiciously at her old sweetheart, Hitch Diamond.
"Dis am a man's pussonal bizzness, Pearline," Hitch Diamond rumbled. "Anigger woman is got to butt out."
"But I's chained up wid Plaster," Pearline protested.
"Git over agin dat wall while dese gen'lemens whispers to me," Plasterremarked, giving her a push toward the chair which he had occupied undersimilar circumstances a short time before.
The three committeemen walked up close to Plaster, draped their armsover his shoulders, and talked in whispers, but guffawed out loud.Because Pearline was present their eyes irresistibly sought hers,especially when they laughed--what man can keep from looking at thewoman in a room?--and Pearline inferred that they were talking andlaughing about her. She strained her ears to hear, but not a wordenlightened her ignorance. Then with a loud laugh the three menpatted Plaster on the back and took themselves off.
"Whut did them niggers want, Plaster?" Pearline demanded in irate tones.
"Dat's a fambly secret," Plaster quoted mockingly.
"I felt like a fool wid dem mens lookin' at me an' snickerin'," thewoman complained. "Wus dey talkin' about me?"
"Yes'm," the man chuckled.
This remark set Pearline to thinking about certain incidents. Hitch hadbeen an old sweetheart, Figger Bush and Vinegar Atts had paid hercourtly attentions, and some things had happened that she would rathernot have to explain to her husband. There was a dismal depthless gulf ofpainful silence between the honeymooners for a long time. Then Pearlinesaid with difficulty:
"I don't like de nigger mens you 'socheates wid. Dem three niggers ain'tfitten comp'ny fer my husbunt."
"Dat's whut I thinks about dem three womens dat come to see you,"Plaster answered. "Ef you runs wid dat color of petticoats I shore willdisrespeck you mo' dan I does now."
"I runs wid anybody I chooses," Pearline snapped.
"Me, too," Plaster retorted.
They pulled apart and the chain rattled.
They stepped back from the entrance and closed the door.
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
V.
By sleeping until the noon
-hour the two love-captives shortened thethird day by half.
In the two days past they had exhausted every theme of conversation, hadwearied of every kind of amusement they could devise, and had pumpedtheir hearts dry of language to proclaim and protest their affection foreach other to lubricate the machinery of existence amid the friction oftheir disposition and temperament.
The day before Plaster had made a hit with a song, so he decided to fillevery moment of that day until the sun sank below the horizon with vocalmusic, for song banishes conversation and song is not provocative ofdifference of opinion and argument--so he thought. While he and his wifewere dressing, Plaster began:
"Does you know dat I am dyin' Fer a little bit of love? Everywhar dey hears me sighin' Fer a little bit of love. Fer dat love dat grows mo' strong, Fills de heart wid hope and song, I has waited--oh, so long-- Fer a little bit of love."
"Whut makes you sing so dang loud, Plaster?" Pearline asked wearily, asshe rested her head upon her hands. "You sounds like a brayin' jackacemournin' because he done tumbled down a open well."
"One time you said you liked my singin'," Plaster retorted.
"I couldn't tell you whut I really thought about it in dem sad days,"Pearline remarked.
They ate their noon meal in silence because neither could think ofanything to say. Plaster had got the hook at the very beginning of hismusical career, and the things he thought of to say were not fit forutterance or publication.
As they rose from the table, they looked with surprise out of thewindow.
A long procession of negroes approached the cabin. All were dressed intheir best clothes and the Rev. Vinegar Atts was in the lead.
The bridal pair suddenly remembered something, and they stepped out onthe porch to receive them as they filled the space in front of thehouse.
Vinegar took his famous preaching attitude in front of the porch,inflated his lungs and began:
"Brudder an' Sister Sickety, us is all rejoiced dat you two honey-lovesis got mighty nigh through wid yo' honey-tower widout no fuss or fight.We welcomes you back to our sawsiety wid glad arms. We hopes dat youwill love each yuther mo' or less an' off an' on ferever! We knows datyou has well earnt dis house an' lot dat Marse John Flournoy has gib youan' we cullud folks wants to make you a present of a few change so youkin buy some nice house-furnicher an' start out fresh an' new."
Thereupon Vinegar laid his stove-pipe hat upside down upon the floor ofthe porch, turned and surveyed the assembly while he mopped his baldhead with a yellow bandana handkerchief.
"Walk right up, brudders an' sisters, an' drap yo' few change in disstove-pipe preachin'-hat!"
They came up one by one, laughingly depositing their money, and pausingto shake hands with the bride and groom.
When the ceremony ended, Vinegar emptied his hat upon the floor of theporch, placed it upon his head with a farewell flourish, and led thenegroes out of the yard.
"Dis money is de fambly secret dem three nigger womens whispered to me,honey," Pearline giggled.
"Dat's de myst'ry dem three committee fellers tole me," Plasterchuckled.
The two sat down and counted the money--twenty-five dollars and thirtycents!
"Dat thuty cents is yourn to spend foolish, Pearline," Plaster saidgenerously as he pushed three dimes toward her and clutched with bothhands at the rest.
"Hol' on nigger!" Pearline snapped. "I ain't no bayou minnow to git jes'a little nibble of dat money--half of dat cash spondulix is mine."
"Yes'm, but I is de man of de fambly an' I oughter keep it an' han' itout to you as you needs it."
"I needs my half right now," Pearline snapped, placing both her handsupon the clutching paws of Plaster Sickety.
"Whut you gwine do wid twelve dollars an' fo' bits?" Plaster demanded inirate tones.
"Buy me a hat!" Pearline told him.
"You's a fool!" Plaster informed her. "Female hats ain't furnicher."
"Dis money furnishes me wid a hat," she announced positively.
Then they sat for a few minutes in silence, both keeping their handsspread out over the money.
"Whut you gwine do wid yo' twelve dollars an' fo' bits?" Pearlinedemanded at last.
"I figgers on buyin' a fiddle," Plaster told her. "Plenty money kin bemade playin' fiddles, an' I b'lieves I could learn to fiddle ef I had agood chance."
"I ain't gwine hab no fiddlin' nigger in my house," Pearline snorted."I's druther be married to a phoneygraft."
"You ain't gwine be married to nothin' very long ef you don't leggo dismoney, nigger!" Plaster snarled.
"I is."
"You ain't."
"Don't gimme no sass."
"You sassed me fust."
The woman raised one hand from the money and made an unexpectedsideswipe at Plaster's jaw with her open palm. The blow landed with asmack that jarred the very marrow of his bones and keeled him over theedge of the porch to the ground. As he fell sprawling, the chaintightened and jerked Pearline off her perch and she fell to the groundwith a squall. Then for ten minutes there was a Kilkenny cat scrap onthe front lawn.
Pearline bit and scratched and pulled hair and tore clothes. She haddecidedly the best of the rookus until her unusual activities caused herto get a twist of the chain around her neck. Plaster thanked the Lordand choked her into inaction and submission by the simple process ofpretending to escape from her and thus tightening the chain.
When she was choked almost to suffocation, he edged her to the porch,lifted the twenty-five dollars and thirty cents into his own pockets,and released the chain.
"THE BLOW LANDED WITH A SMACK THAT JARRED THE VERY MARROWOF HIS BONES AND KEELED HIM OVER THE EDGE OF THE PORCH TO THE GROUND."]
When Pearline recovered her breath she dropped flat upon the ground ather feet and howled like a Comanche until the going down of the sun.
Plaster did not attempt to console or quiet her. When he spoke again, hereached out and touched the bawling woman with his foot.
"Git up idjit!" he exclaimed. "Marse John expecks us to come an' repoteto him an' git dese here handcuffs tuck off."
Sheriff John Flournoy was waiting for them as they came across his lawnto the porch where he sat.
Then for half an hour he listened to a tirade of crimination andrecrimination which crackled with profane expletives like thorns under apot. When Plaster paused to breathe, Pearline took up the complaint.When Pearline stopped from exhaustion, Plaster resumed his lamentations.
When the storm of vituperation subsided, Flournoy sat in his chair likea man who had been pounded over the head with a brick. It was some timebefore he could formulate his ideas. Then he spoke with difficulty.
"I judge from what I have heard that your three days' experiencetogether has convinced you that your tastes are entirely dissimilar andyour natures incompatible."
"Yes, suh, dat's c'reck."
"The information you offer conveys to me the impression that a womanloves shadows, but a man loves sunshine and glare; a woman loves dress,but a man loves tobacco; a woman desires daintiness and neatnessattended with any degree of discomfort, but a man prefers comfort withno matter how much litter and mess; a woman loves indoor sports, likesewing, and a man loves outdoor sports, like whittling sticks and makingthe acquaintance of a hound-dog with fleas on his body and mud on hisfeet; a man loves to sing and hear himself sing, and the woman prefersto hear some other man sing; a woman wants her female companions withtheir confidences and their secrets, and a man desires his malecompanions and their secrets, but neither party to the matrimonialalliance is willing that the partner should keep a secret. Am I right asfar as I've gone?"
"Dat's right!" they said in positive tones.
"But de fuss part, Marse John, is de money!" the woman shrieked.
"Certainly," Flournoy agreed softly. "Matrimony is always a matter ofmoney."
Then Flournoy took a key from his pocket and opened the bracelets ontheir wrists. The chain fell at their feet. The bride an
d bridegroomlooked away, each ignoring the presence of the other.
Plaster Sickety thrust both hands into his pockets, brought outtwenty-five dollars and thirty cents and laid it into the open palm ofthe sheriff.
"Fer Gawd's sake, git me a deevo'ce!" he pleaded.
"Make it two, Marse John," the girl urged. "I's plum' nauseated wid datnigger man."
The bride and bridegroom turned and walked away, choosing differentpaths and going in opposite directions. They did not look back.
The sheriff stooped and picked up the rattling chain.
Then he went into the house and slammed the door.
The evening and the morning were the third day, and--