by Jerry Cole
To be honest with himself, he had to admit he had his own concerns about raising kids as a gay man, single or married. He had never seen it done. He had only began to see positive portrayals in recent years. He didn't know anyone who had done it. If anything, all he had ever heard was how hard it was, how he would need to ensure his kids "spent enough time around a mother figure" or whatever that meant. It terrified him that he would do something wrong.
If his mother, a single mother, had raised him so well, and was raising three other beautiful children, then surely two fathers could do the same? Surely, regardless of sex, if there were two of them it would be even easier, with more money, more free time? He knew that if he'd had two mothers exactly like Mrs. Thompson, he wouldn't have done worse in life.
All he needed was that little bit of reassurance that he would do great no matter what. Or at least that he had the potential to do great, even if it would take some effort. But the reassurance that he could be a normal parent never came.
He had never been able to share that with his mother. Only his sister, Veronica, knew that he wanted children at all. She had been apprehensive about the situation. He knew not to take it personally, that a girl who was barely a teenager didn't understand the possibility of kids growing up without a mom, but he did. It was the first time he had ever told anyone and the response was lukewarm at best, sending his own doubts into a panic.
Still he wanted kids. Still a part of his mind leaped to his own defense and reminded him that there were single fathers and gay fathers out there who weren't in the news every day with "worst father of the year" printed under their image. If they could do it, then he could too.
A sound of footsteps tumbling downstairs interrupted his thoughts as his siblings were awakened by the sweet scents of breakfast and, like little sharks invigorated by the smell of blood, they crowded around the abundant weekend feast.
Watching Jack shoveling in his breakfast as Janet and Veronica competed to tell everyone about their week at school, he only felt these beliefs confirmed. He wanted kids. He couldn't even imagine a weekend spent without smiling little faces, smeared with a variety of sauces, gazing admiringly up at him, eagerly sharing their week's biggest events. He lived for it. He lived for his beautiful family, and he would want a beautiful family to live for once his brothers and sisters were old enough to have lives of their own.
A random thought flew through his mind, What would Victor be like as a father? He wasn't sure why he was thinking this, but he couldn't dismiss the thought. Somehow, he figured Victor would not be as strict of a father as he was in his role as teacher. Nate had a feeling that Victor was the sort of guy who'd be easygoing enough to let the little things slide, to kiss away the boo-boos and hug away the tears, while still setting enough of a boundary to ensure the kids learned how to act properly in social settings.
Victor would make a pretty good father, if that was actually the case.
Smiling to himself, Nate reached for another serving of bacon and toast to make sure he got a second sandwich before his siblings ate all the food.
Chapter Nine
Victor awoke to find Nate gone. He wasn't particularly surprised or disturbed by this. That was what usually happened after seeing someone. At least, that was what usually happened to Victor after seeing someone. He'd thought Nate would be a little less casual, maybe staying for breakfast or a goodbye, but Victor easily dismissed Nathan's absence.
It was just what happened.
Plus, he'd see Nathan on Monday at work anyway. It was frustrating, but not a big deal. He sat up and realized the room still smelled of sex. He wrinkled his nose. How could such a distinctive smell be so great during the act? How could such a sexy smell be so nasty the next morning?
He usually liked just lying in bed for a few hours before even moving. Checking social media, watching a few videos, enjoying a lazy start to his weekend. But once the smell had entered his conscience, it was there to stay.
Besides, his cell phone was all the way out in the front room somewhere… probably in his coat pocket or on the coffee table. At least seeing as the person he'd slept with was his coworker he didn't need to worry about his phone being stolen. Again. Victor chuckled to himself before unceremoniously staggering out of bed.
Opening the window, it looked like a nice day outside. It would be good to go for a walk. Just get a little sun on his skin, breathe some fresh air. He almost reconsidered. His bed looked so warm and inviting. He had an unopened video game on top of the PC in the corner of the room that he had waited all week to play. His phone was only in the front room, and all his favorite video subscriptions needed catching up on.
It was just so easy to fall back into his usual routine, to not change a single thing about himself. It was a comfortable thing. He knew he would enjoy it. He always did.
And now he paused.
Last night had got him thinking. He usually told himself he would go out, do something, see people, whatever. But he never did any of it. He would make grandiose promises to himself about how much shit he would get done, how productive he would be, how much he would better himself. And then when the time came he would just hit the gym, play a game or watch a movie, and sit around at home all day, texting and watching videos, until it was time to have a couple of beers and get to bed or see if anyone was up for a booty call. It would always be because he was too busy, or he was running too late to get things done, or whatever.
Nate was right, he kept making excuses as to what he was or was not doing. He kept trying to get out of it all. Any reason at all was good enough. There was no real reason why he couldn't go out for drinks if he'd already had a beer, or why he couldn't skip the gym and go for a walk instead. He just pretended there was a reason so that he didn't have to face anything remotely different to his usual routine.
He used to tell himself that the people who went out partying and buying nice cars and the likes were just having an early midlife crisis. But after talking to Nate, he was reconsidering that perspective. And he was not sure whether to be more ashamed of his hermit type lifestyle, or of the fact he was reconsidering his whole life after spending one night with a guy he barely knew.
There was a decent amount of shame in last night. In all of it. He had been talked into going out for drinks with his rival. He had gone out and done something he hadn't done for years. Even when he was hooking up, he'd do it via an app, not by actually going out to meet people. And now he'd gone out for drinks with someone he wasn't even supposed to be friends with? And, even worse, they'd fucked.
There was no way of softening that one.
He had gone to bed with a guy he was supposed to be competing against, he had been proven to be a fraud. He felt dirty.
It had been so damn good, though.
Nate was exactly Victor's type. So beautiful and sweet and fun. A ray of sunshine in a world of nightmares and looming shadows. And yet, unlike some sweet and gentle guys, Nate wasn't childish in any way. There was nothing that turned Victor off more than someone acting like one of his students. And Nate didn't. Nate was sweet and fun and bubbly, and yet mature, intelligent, experienced. Nate was such a well-rounded person. Such a perfect match for Victor.
Victor groaned. Why was life so fucking unfair?
Finally summoning the energy to move through another doorway, Victor made his way into the kitchen, feeling surprised that it was all untouched. He would not have minded if Nate had grabbed something to eat. Most guys did. At least a piece of fruit or a cereal bar or something. Most of the guys Victor fucked seemed to think his house was, well, their house. They happily used his shower, left towels lying everywhere, ate whatever they wanted and, of course, left the dishes. On one occasion one intrepid young man had left his clothes to be washed, taken something to wear out of Victor's wardrobe, and came back to collect his clean clothes and drop off Victor's decidedly no longer clean ones. Victor had not cleaned the guy's clothes. The guy did not return for another date. Apparently "booty c
all" and "housewife" meant the same thing to him.
Nate had been so considerate. He had picked up after himself, not left any laundry or water stains in the shower, and hadn't even taken anything out of the kitchen. Victor hoped the other man had at least found something to eat on his way to... wherever he was going.
Victor realized that he didn't really know anything about Nate's family or home life. All he knew was that Nate had a rough upbringing and really wanted to be a teacher. Victor didn't know what Nate's parents were like, if he had siblings, where they all lived...
Putting on the coffee machine, Victor made a mental note to ask about all these things on Monday.
Did he want to get to know Nate, though? Victor made his way into the bathroom and began to brush his teeth, fully aware that the toothpaste would ruin the taste of his coffee. But he couldn't start his morning without it. He felt a pang of pain as he wondered if Nate, too, could not cope with the day without a cup of coffee. And he'd left without having one. That was just... inhumane.
Perhaps he ought to just call? Just make sure Nate was fine, that he knew he was allowed to take whatever food or coffee he needed next time? If there would be a next time. Which there probably shouldn't. But just in case...
Victor took out his phone and realized he had never even asked for Nate's phone number. He never thought he needed it. After all, Nate would be gone soon.
Only now Victor didn't want Nate to go. It was getting confusing.
He'd been attracted to people before, of course. Men and women alike. But this was different. This impulse was too strong. Nate was so wonderful, so perfect. Nate had made him reconsider how he thought about life after only an evening of talking. Something about Nate made Victor want to spend every day together. And, however much Victor would love to deny these feelings, he couldn't. Even if he couldn't understand them either.
They said the line between love and hate was very fine, but Victor hadn't thought he hated or loved Nate. Nate was just a coworker.
Victor poured his coffee and sipped it, taking in the familiarly unpleasant taste of acrid beans and toothpaste. Perhaps he did love Nate, though. Victor knew he had never loved anyone before. And maybe this was love?
Putting the half-finished coffee down, hoping the taste of toothpaste would leave his mouth before the coffee got cold, Victor went to find some suitable clothes for a walk in the park. It wasn't necessarily that what Nate said had truly gotten to him, of course. It was just a good suggestion. And it might help him forget about all the thoughts that were racing through his mind which decidedly shouldn't be.
Opting against tracksuit pants, just in case someone mistook him for a jogger, Victor got into some loose cargo pants and an ancient band t-shirt. He knew he looked about twenty-one, but that was not a bad thing. It would only be a real problem when he entered his mid to late thirties and started looking like an uncool old dad.
As the day continued, Victor couldn't take his mind off Nate. What did Nate think of how he dressed? Of his body? His tattoos? He never minded what anyone else thought of them. If anything, he enjoyed the fact that people were confused, disgusted, and even angered by something as simple and silly as a fashion choice. But Nate's opinion actually mattered to Victor. And it invaded his mind everywhere.
Would Nate want to get ice-cream at the stand at the bottom of the park? What would Nate think of going for a walk in the park on a Saturday morning? Would he enjoy the tacos Victor ordered for lunch? Did he even like fast food? Suddenly everything was about Nate. And in a good way. It felt wonderful to have Nate on his mind. It made Victor happy to think about Nate so much. It was that warm and fuzzy feeling he'd been told about, but never believed in, his whole life.
Going to bed that night, Victor realized he needed to see Nate again. He needed to experience his company and his body. He needed to spend as much time as possible with a man he was falling for. Not slowly, not softly falling for, but falling like an avalanche, falling like a waterfall, falling like a meteor. A man he was rapidly falling in love with, faster than Victor could control or understand, and who he planned on sabotaging and betraying...
***
Sunday came and Victor woke up with the first rays of sunlight. He had remembered to close the window, but not the blinds, and the bright strands came in at just the right angle to stab his eyes uncomfortably. Even after rolling over to look away, that initial intrusion was enough to wake him up fully, so he just lay on his side in the bed, staring at where his phone was resting, on charge, wondering if there would be anything interesting to watch or do, or if he would summon the energy to pick it up before it was time to get up.
Of course, he knew what he wanted to do, who he wanted to call. But he didn't have that number, and picking up the phone to talk to anyone else, or do anything else, felt almost pointless, like it would just be a distraction from his true desires.
Had anyone else told Victor such things, he would have told them to get their act together, that nobody likes a clingy guy, and that they needed to go out and do something to take their mind off the situation. So that was what he told himself.
He wanted to see Nate again, but he'd have to wait until Monday. So at the very least he should try and reach out to others. Just be in contact with humanity in general.
Forcing himself to get up and make coffee, put on his clothes, and get ready to go out before nine in the morning on a Sunday felt odd, but actually kind of nice, in a "rich kids of social media being sort of healthy for more likes" kind of a way.
This wasn't for social media kudos, or for attention, or for Nate's approval. This was just for himself, for his own mental and physical wellbeing. He should have been doing this years ago.
It was nice to get out in the sun again and walk through the park. It was such a nice weekend, he couldn't help but wonder what he'd be doing if he were with his family. Probably something a little more posh, and yet a little cozier, like settling down for "original gourmet" sushi at a luxury restaurant, or going to watch some sort of a sporting event. Victor himself preferred pizza or tacos to sushi, and a video game or indeed a walk in the park to any live sport event. But he would rather be spending time with his parents than on his own, even if that meant doing things he didn't like.
Then, something interrupted Victor's train of thought, lifting his heart instantly and turning his lips up into a grin that he knew would look cheesy and goofy, but which he couldn't wipe from his face.
It was Nate. Victor had to stop himself from running over immediately. Instead he just waved gently.
Nate saw the waving hand and waved back, seeming a bit surprised, but also happy, a soft smile spreading across his pinkish lips. Victor walked up, trying to stay calm and confident, trying to not let Nate know just how exciting this moment was to him.
"Hey," Victor said, managing to turn his excited grin into at least a more casual, easygoing smirk. "You disappeared yesterday morning."
"Yeah, I had to go see my family," Nate said, smiling nervously. "I was supposed to go early Saturday, and I was late. They were kinda worried."
"Shit, I'm sorry," Victor replied. "I guess I hadn't thought about that."
"Don't apologize," Nate insisted with a dismissive shrug. "It's not your responsibility to make sure I'm sticking to all my other commitments."
"I was just worried because you left without eating, " Victor confessed.
Nate shuffled his feet a bit. "I wasn't sure if I could. I didn't want to leave a mess for you, that's all."
"Now, I normally wouldn't say this to anyone, but next time, just get yourself a coffee and a snack," Victor said.
"You want there to be a next time?" Nate asked.
Victor froze. Was he getting ahead of himself? Did he want there to be a next time? "If you want there to be," he said softly.
Nate beamed. "Of course I do."
Chapter Ten
Nate felt kind of glad to run into Victor in the park. He needed to be around people, whether friends or
family. Even though he had never had many friends growing up, and even though he had never been treated particularly well by those around him, Nate felt a certain joy and energy in being surrounded by people.
At times like this, when his family were busy with weekend activities and he had to get ready for the next day at work, Nate would often go walking somewhere like the park, or just sit in a coffee shop, enjoying the passersby milling around, and marveling at how different this part of town was to the place he had grown up, only a short drive away.
It felt better to be with someone he knew than surrounded by strangers. He slipped his hand into Victor's without even thinking. It was reassuring to feel that warm skin against his own. Victor squeezed his hand and it felt like that little bit of pressure was recharging his entire self. Nate sighed.
"Do you usually come out for a walk out here?" Nate asked.
Victor shook his head. "No, it was actually your comments Friday night, about me making excuses not to do things, that made me think about maybe getting out a bit more."
"I'm glad. It's better when you can get out more," Nate said. And he meant it. It lifted his spirits just to hear of someone else doing well, or at least doing better.
"So, what is your family like?" Victor asked. "I'd just been wondering where you went yesterday, who you were going to be with all day."
"My mom and I, I have two sisters, one baby brother," Nate explained. "All much younger than me. My mother had me before meeting their father. She tried to hide it from me, but I knew. I guess that's why I'm happy being their positive male role model, even now that their dad's gone."
"So you never knew your dad?" Victor asked.
Nate shrugged. "Biological father. I don't consider myself to have ever had a dad. He died when I was a baby, and my sisters' and brother's dad wasn't much of a dad to me."
"You're super honest about all this," Victor said, seeming almost a little nervous.
"Well, you've got to be. You can't hide these things. Yes, I grew up poor, and with a single mom, and yes, her next partner left us to raise my sisters and brother on our own. It's nothing to hide, and people find out eventually," Nate explained.