by Jerry Cole
He began to cry a little, feeling at once relieved and in despair. It had all been too much. He wasn't even sure what to feel, and he hadn't been sure the entire time. He still wasn't. But crying felt like a good way to relieve whatever emotions were welling up inside him. So he did.
He didn't care if they saw him cry. Not his parents, or the hospital staff, or whoever. It was more than justified, and if someone else didn't like it then that would be their problem, not his. It was all so surreal, he didn't have time to deal with judgmental assholes.
It was clear enough that they had been severely injured, even from a casual glance. The bandages, the casts. Victor knew they wouldn't be there with him if they were mortally wounded. But it didn't make it any easier. A part of him wished he had been there. Perhaps the crash could have been avoided. Perhaps he could have helped them in the wreck. Perhaps he would have just been as severely injured as they were, but at least then he wouldn't feel so bad that they had gone through so much alone.
He hadn't felt bad about leaving Springfield before that moment. He hadn't felt bad about living so far away, just far enough to make travel inconvenient. Victor deeply regretted it now. He should have been there, but they had to go through it alone.
But they were not alone. They had been there for each other.
They were still there, side by side, a couple through even this. Victor knew his parents had not exactly had an idyllic marriage. To the outside world it might have looked like that, but they had carefully designed it that way. They had their ups and downs. But they stuck through the bad times, and the good times always seemed to come back. They might argue, but a week later they'd be enjoying a heightened romance like Victor had a hard time believing in. They might shout at one another, but they'd be all cuddles by the end of the day. And even now, when they could have looked death in the eye, they were together. They could have died together.
It was kind of romantic, in a messed up way. Victor wasn't sure he had ever loved anyone enough to want that. It was just too morbid to think about how he might die and, until recently, about how he would probably die alone and single. It was just depressing.
Seeing his parents together even through this car crash, though, made him reconsider. Just because he couldn't have something like this didn't mean nobody else should. Everything wasn't all about Victor. His parents could have their happily ever after, even if he didn't see one in his own future.
Nate was pretty damn close, though. He hated to admit it. Secretly, Victor had been hoping the person who stole his heart would be a girl. He had been hoping there would be as little controversy as possible, that he could get married with all his family and his parents' friends and neighbors present. Then everyone would shut the fuck up about his love life. He had hoped he would be able to calm everything down and just let them rant about his piercings again.
Life had not been so kind Perhaps he needed to learn to love and accept himself, and to accept that maybe, just maybe, the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with would have to be a man. Whatever anyone else thought, however much drama it caused.
His parents loved him and he loved them. He hoped they would still love him and stand up for him when he finally confessed that he was deeply in love with a man, that he had always loved men and women, but the person he wanted to marry was a poor black man who he'd been mentoring. He hoped their ignorance wouldn't stretch as far as to reject him.
It was terrifying. He had almost lost them already and it was just awful. The thought that he might be there by their side after all this, and they might turn him away, was one of the scariest things he had ever imagined.
He knew he had to tell them. Because they ought to love him just as much as he loved them. They ought to love and accept him as he was, and to love and accept whoever he loved. It was their duty as his parents to support him through all of this. If they did not, he needed to know before it broke his heart.
He couldn't carry on hiding from them and pretending they were not hurting him. Just like they couldn't pretend not to see his piercings forever. They couldn't just hide from one another. They were family and they belonged together. Even if not physically, they had to be one in heart, mind and soul.
As his mother began to stir, he grabbed her hand and held it. It was like the panic had swept through him again, and he briefly forgot that there was no danger. His mother's dazed confusion transferred onto him and he just wanted to make her feel better. It was like for that split second he was scared for her life, as scared as she was, and he was leaping in to save her. He took a deep breath. The surgery had gone well. Her life was not on the line. She might be panicking, but she was just fine. She would be all right.
He didn't release her hand. She gripped his hand so hard, so much harder than he thought she should even be able to with her injuries and under medication. He felt her nails pierce his skin as her eyes stared off into the distance before focusing on her husband. Her pupils grew wide as she realized they were in hospital beds, and that the man mummified in bandages and blankets was, indeed, Mr. Walker.
Victor squeezed her hand back. Everything else was forgotten except the relief he felt that she was alive and waking up so soon. She looked up at him, as though suddenly realizing her son was by her side, but not quite computing it.
"Victor?" she said, voice shaking a little. "What happened? Where are we?"
He knew she would still be giddy from the anesthetic. "You'll be fine, Mom."
She paused for a moment, looking at him as though he were some sort of apparition, as though she were wrestling with every reality she had seen and stitching them together into a hazed, confused, drug-powered world. She wasn't even supposed to be awake yet. She was still half in morphine-land. And it was probably for the best, she was supposed to sleep through the worst of the pain.
"It's all okay, you'll be fine," he reiterated, squeezing her hand gently once more.
"I had the most horrible dream, Victor," she said with a faint smile before she dozed off again.
***
It took a while for them to truly come round, and he sat by their side, determined to be there when they woke up fully. It was far more disturbing than it was portrayed in movies. They shook and spoke more coherently in their sleep than when they awakened. They were sweating, groaning in pain, and then falling back, pale and cold and still like they had passed away. Victor checked their pulses more than once. It was just surreal to see people in that half-asleep state. Especially people who were usually so lucid and talkative and happy.
He wanted to help them, he wanted to ease them back into reality and let them know they were safe. Especially when they were feeling at their worst, panicking and tensing and dodging.
Finally, after a few false starts, some food, and Victor getting a coffee to keep him going, they were awake properly, and aware. They sat up, eyes half-lidded, happily sipping some sort of rehydration drinks the nurses brought for them, slowly making sense of what happened. A lovely side-effect of the anesthetic was that they were quite peaceful and did not even panic when they heard what had happened to them. They just accepted it, and seemed pleased they were alive. Mr. Walker briefly grumbled about the fact his car would be damaged.
Victor suspected that the reality of what had happened to them would sink in as soon as the meds wore off and they had some time to think about it a bit more. There was a chance that this was how well they would take it forever. They were pretty chill people normally, after all. But Victor didn't think even they should be this calm about what happened. He wasn't sure how this worked. Outside of movies and a few articles he'd read on PTSD, he had no experience of trauma. But he was pretty confident that just because they looked fine now didn't mean they would be fine long term.
"I wish I could be more useful," he said, watching them sip yet another rehydration drink. "But it's not like I have a medical background to help out."
"Just talk to us," his mother said with a smile. "I'm just happy you're
here. Take my mind off the pain. How's work?"
Victor nodded. "It's going well. That guy they got in to take my place was sort of... not going to. He was there to learn to perform my role, sure, but I was going to move up."
"That's wonderful," she said with a smile. She seemed genuinely relieved. "See? I told you it would work out in the end."
"And I'm also in a relationship. I think it might get serious," he said, his heart thumping hard in his chest.
Mr. Walker nodded. "Who's the lucky girl?"
"Well, I actually have a bit of a confession," Victor said, steeling himself.
"Go ahead, it's no trouble," Mrs. Walker said, her voice was slow, but only with exhaustion, no apprehension. Victor felt braver as he looked into her eyes.
"I guess I was so scared I'd lose you, that I did some thinking," he said, feeling himself shake. "About how we've lived. About how I've been avoiding you, and how we don't really talk. I know you're both a bit too conservative perhaps for my liking. And I know you tolerate a lot of things from me which you would not from anyone else. But there is more."
"Whatever it is, you know we love you," Mrs. Walker said.
Mr. Walker nodded.
"Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Well, bisexual. And I'm in love with a guy, another math teacher. Actually, the exact guy I was so worried about. It turns out we have a lot in common. A lot more in common than anyone else I've ever dated. I don't know if it will work out, but I guess I feel strongly enough about him to tell you," he said. "I guess I never wanted to tell you because I was scared you'd reject me. I hope you don't."
"So the young man you were so worried about, has turned out to be someone quite wonderful to you?" Mrs. Walker suggested.
Victor nodded. "Yeah, basically."
His father hesitated, then shrugged. "I suppose I wanted grandchildren, but it's not really about what I want, if you love him."
"Really?" Victor said, feeling deflated. He had expected a bit more of a fight. "I wasn't sure if you'd accept it, or approve of it."
"Victor, you should do what makes you happy," his mother said, voice tired but still smiling. "What would disapproving do? How would it help any of us? We'd just lose you all over again. If by being honest with us and yourself you can be part of our lives, we'd take you back straight, gay, bisexual, whatever you are."
Victor felt his heart rush again. "So... all you want is me? All you want is to have your son home again?"
"Of course it is," his mother said, sinking back into the pillows gently. "You're the most precious thing on this planet."
Chapter Twenty-Four
Thursday mornings were always exhausting, but not seeing Victor hit Nate hard again. He wanted to know what was happening. He wanted to help. He wanted to have something to help him relieve the pain in his chest.
Even reminding himself that this was a sort of controlling behavior was not enough to stop himself from feeling it, from doing it. He just wanted to know where everyone he loved was, how they were doing, that they were okay. Just as he couldn't cope with not knowing where his siblings were, especially if he knew they were not doing well. Victor had slowly become a part of Nate's life, family, in a sense.
He wanted to know Victor would be all right, that it wasn't something too traumatizing, that he would come back at some point, even if not right away. It was possible for someone to go through so much pain and suffering on a mental and emotional level that they had to change their lives. And perhaps that change would involve leaving the school behind, leaving Nate behind.
He couldn't stand that thought. All he wanted any more, all he thought about was Victor. The longer the absence, the more Nate felt it. He didn't want to never see Victor again, he didn't want to lose something as wonderful as the emotions that coursed through him whenever they were together. It would be too painful.
Nate knew it was a selfish thought, but he had been beginning to get the feeling that they were going somewhere, that they had a chance. And now nothing could go right. Every time he wanted to be with Victor, something seemed to interfere. The rest of life was going so smoothly for Nate, it felt almost surreal that the one thing he wanted, Victor's love and company, was the only thing beyond him.
His own family life was complete, his siblings loved him, his mother had more free time than ever. His work was going great and it looked as though he could become a teacher after all. He was learning fast, and finally making money, real money. Everything was wonderful, except he didn't have Victor by his side.
At lunch, his phone rang. It was Victor. Nate dropped his coffee, almost burning himself, and answered instantly, overwhelmed with a hundred emotions. He was just happy to be able to talk to Victor.
"Hey, Victor, how are you?" he asked.
"Yeah," came a very tired voice down the phone. "I'm fine. I think. It's been a tiring time. I only just saw my phone's been off and I have, like, a thousand calls from you."
Nate could feel the heat rising up his cheeks and across his ears. "Yeah, I have a habit of worrying."
"I know, I guess I just wanted to help you feel a bit better," Victor said. "I guess you wanted to know what the emergency was. Well, my parents are in the hospital, but they are making a full recovery."
"What the – In the hospital? Both of them? What happened to them? Are they all right? Will they live? I mean – shit. I didn't mean to say that," Nate said, feeling panicked. "I just – I'm sorry."
Victor's quiet laugh came through. "I know, I know. They're fine. It was a car crash. Like I said, they will recover. It's just been a really busy and stressful couple of days."
"I bet. I guess it must have taken it out of you," Nate replied.
"Yeah, driving this far on no sleep is a bit too much. But it's what you do for family. I'm sorry I left you with all the classes again," Victor explained.
"Victor, that's fine. I was just so worried about you," Nate said, trying to calm himself down as he spoke. "I was worried. I think everyone was. And now I'm worried about your parents too." He couldn't believe that Victor was already worrying about him. It wasn't time yet.
"They ought to be fine," Victor replied. "But it's been a tough few days. They'll be discharged tonight and then I'm coming back as soon as I can."
"It's not urgent," Nate replied. "I'm doing just fine, and you already know I'm not trying to steal your job. Stay with them as long as you need to."
"It's for the best that I get back. They have to recover, and they don't need me all the time, after all, and I promised to return soon. I have my own duties, and work," Victor replied, sounding tired again already.
"See you Sunday, then?" Nate laughed nervously, only half joking.
"Nah, I don't think I'll be back for Sunday. But I'll see you on Monday for sure, all right?" Victor said.
Nate felt his heart leap a little. "Yeah. I was just joking, but yeah. I can't wait to see you again. I really missed you."
"I’ve missed you. You're... you've become far more important to me than I'd counted on. Far more important than anyone has been before," Victor said. "I can hardly bear to be away from you."
Nate knew he couldn't cry at work, but he wanted to. "Really? I'm that important to you?"
"Am I not that important to you?" Victor asked.
"More," Nate said, knowing full well how cheesy he sounded, but also knowing how happy it was making him to say it.
"And Nate, I told my parents about us. And they're cool with it. So there's that," Victor said. "It felt better to tell them. I couldn't stand the thought of losing them before they found out."
Nate realized just how difficult this must have been for Victor. He wished he could have been there, at the very least for moral support. It wasn't right that Victor had gone through that on his own. Or perhaps it was. Nate wasn't sure what Victor's parents were like, how they might have reacted. It was a personal thing to everyone. It would have been selfish to have demanded to be there unnecessarily.
"Does that mean we're officially boyfriends, t
hen?" Nate asked. "This had to be the weirdest way anyone has ever asked me, Victor."
"I guess so. I think it's the weirdest way I've ever asked anyone. But let's just say it's special. Because you're special to me," Victor said. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"
"I want to be your everything," Nate replied without thinking.
"I swear if you keep saying cheesy shit this whole relationship is over," Victor said in a teasing voice.
Nate laughed nervously. "Don't be like that. You know how much I worry."
"I know, I'm sorry. But you're too cute and sweet sometimes," Victor said. "Anyway, I think you need to get back to lessons. But I'll call you or email you or something tonight."
"That sounds good," Nate said. 'Good' was an understatement. "Talk later."
"Talk later," Victor replied. "I love you."
Nate froze. Victor had hung up before he summoned the energy to reply. Still, Victor knew. It was the best thing that had ever happened to Nate, and it was taking a while to sink in. Nate collapsed back into his seat in relief. And right into his spilled coffee. It was not hot, just uncomfortably damp at this point. Great. Did this have to keep happening to him? Was he going to have any pairs of pants that did not have weird coffee stains all over them.
"That looks bad," Miss Langley said, noticing Nate's predicament. "Do you have spares?"
"I was already kind of exhausted from doing both sets of classes, and now this," he said with a nervous laugh. "But I think I have time to get changed and come back."
Miss Langley nodded. "Do you think Mrs. Heeley will allow it, though?"
"Of course," Mrs. Heeley said from inside her office, door slightly open. "You don't live far, do you Mr. Thompson?"
"Not at all," he said, wandering over to the doorway. "I can be there and back pretty fast. I don't have to go as far as my mother's house, just my own apartment."