I can’t say I’m shocked to learn that a couple who had an affair actually have nothing in common other than sex, and it just makes me all the more angry that he threw our relationship away for it.
But not that angry. Not any more. I’m angrier that he’s taken me away from Freddie.
‘Well, I’m sorry to hear that,’ I tell him. ‘Maybe, once you get back home, you can work it out.’
I tune out a little, perhaps because I’m thinking about Freddie or because it’s just so damn hot out here.
‘About that,’ he says with a snivel. ‘I was thinking me and you could work things out.’
‘Wait, what?’
He has my attention now.
‘Lila.’ Daniel gets down on one knee. ‘Will you do me the honour of being my wife?’
I stare at him.
‘You cheated on me,’ I tell him. ‘Up to – and on – our wedding day. What makes you think I’m keen to relive that?’
‘Okay, don’t marry me,’ he says. ‘But let’s go back home and work on our relationship.’
‘Get up,’ I insist, pulling him to his feet. ‘Daniel… I’m with Freddie now.’
Well, I sort of am… kind of… we need to talk, obviously, but I haven’t got round to it yet. But I want to be.
‘He’s just a holiday fling,’ Daniel tells me. ‘You’re just a holiday fling to him.’
‘It’s more than that,’ I insist.
‘So what happens next?’ Daniel asks me. ‘You go back to your life, he goes back to his. You’re living with me in our house in London. He’s shagging models on Hollywood Boulevard. You’re working on our sofa in your onesie. He’s working on movies thousands of miles away for months at a time. Tell me how that works long term.’
I stare at him for a second. I don’t have an answer for him.
‘He won’t cheat on me while we’re apart,’ I tell him. ‘What else even matters? We’ll make it work.’
‘How do you know he won’t cheat on you?’ Daniel asks.
‘Because he wouldn’t do that,’ I reply.
‘Okay, did you think I would do that?’ he asks me.
I wipe the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand. I’m so warm I feel as if I’m going to be sick.
‘Well, no,’ I admit.
‘I was cheating on you for months,’ he reminds me. ‘You had no idea. Freddie is going to be in other countries, with girls throwing themselves at him – he’s paid to film movies with romance and sex scenes. He’s going to be kissing other girls and you’re going to be watching him on TV, wishing it was you, and you can’t even call him and tell him because of the time difference.’
‘Daniel, he’s an actor. He has to kiss other people – all actors do.’ I stop trying to justify my relationship to him. ‘I cannot believe this is your big speech for trying to win me back.’
‘No big gestures,’ he says – other than his second, half-hearted proposal, I imagine. ‘No games. Just honesty and common sense. We belong together. He’s just some guy you shagged on holiday because you were mad at me – and I get it.’
‘I’m so glad you get it,’ I reply sarcastically.
He’s the one who doesn’t get it. Trying to win me back without so much as an ‘I love you’ or an ‘I’m sorry’.
‘Look, no more tears,’ he says, wiping his eyes. ‘No more begging. We’ve got our original tickets for flying home tomorrow so let’s just take some space now, talk on the flight tomorrow, figure out what happens next. You can’t run away from the fact we have a life together. I might have made a mistake, but I’ll never do it again. You can keep tabs on me forever. But with Freddie, won’t you always be worried, wondering? Every time he kisses a co-star or you see him on a red carpet with some dolly bird. Every tabloid article saying he’s shagging some Spice Girl or other.’
‘All right, all right, all right, all right,’ I rant. ‘Jesus Christ, you’ve made your point.’
‘Just… think about it, okay?’
Right now all I’m thinking about is how Daniel still thinks the Spice Girls are relevant. No wonder he and Eva had nothing to talk about. She’d talk about Little Mix for hours if you’d let her.
Suddenly much more composed, Daniel retreats back to the villa, leaving me out here by myself. I find some shade underneath a tree and sit down, fanning my face with my hand, not that it does much to cool me down.
I don’t think much of his non-apology, but he’s given me a lot to think about. Not as far as he and I are concerned, but with Freddie… I hate to say it, but he’s right. And it’s so cruel and unfair because it’s all thanks to Daniel that I will never just blindly and happily trust another man again. I’m always going to wonder. And he’s also right about how hard it’s going to be, seeing Freddie kissing other people, filming sex scenes, hearing the rumours about who he is romantically linked to. It’s going to drive me mad, and I’ll be observing it all from home where I’m all alone, maybe in my own house or maybe in some tiny flat because Daniel forced me out and that’s all I’ll be able to afford.
It isn’t fair on Freddie either. He’s an A-lister; he should be living like one. Not flying to London to visit me between movies. He lives in LA, I live in London. It’s never going to work.
I do still need to talk to Freddie, but it’s going to be a completely different conversation. I need to break things off with him before I get carried away – for my own good as well as his.
38
Rather than go find Freddie, I’ve spent my afternoon packing my suitcase – most notably, taking all my things from Freddie’s suite and moving them to my own. I might not be going home until tomorrow, but I can’t stand the thought of packing my things in front of him, moments after telling him that this is where we say goodbye.
I’m sitting on the veranda outside the villa. It’s starting to get dark now and the bugs are beginning to come out. I swat them from my face as I wait for Freddie to show up. I could wait inside but I don’t want to miss him. I need to tell him asap or I’ll lose my nerve.
Eventually, I spot him walking up the driveway, all smiles as he approaches the arches. By the time he reaches me he notices the look on my face and his smile falls.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asks.
‘Sit down,’ I say. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Well, this doesn’t sound good,’ he says as he sits down next to me. He takes my hand in his and squeezes it. I can’t believe he’s comforting me, even when I’m about to ditch him. ‘You want to go inside?’
‘No, I could do with the air,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve just been thinking, you know, because I’m going home tomorrow.’
‘Me too,’ he replies.
‘You’ve been thinking or you’re going home tomorrow?’ I ask.
‘Both,’ he replies. ‘I just spoke to Marty. He says Ali is going home tonight?’
‘She is,’ I reply. ‘I said goodbye to her not too long ago.’
‘That’s our leverage gone,’ he jokes. ‘He’s booked us both on a flight tomorrow morning.’
‘The party’s over, then,’ I say. ‘I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Seriously, you’ve gone above and beyond.’
‘I’d say you were welcome, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t anything in it for me,’ he replies. ‘So thank you too.’
God, this is so hard. I thought it was going to be hard telling him I had feelings for him but now that I’ve had my reality check, the alternative is even harder.
Telling him how much I like him might’ve been scary but at least it would have been honest. I would have been being true to myself. But this… this is just me being practical, and it sucks.
‘It’s been a fun holiday romance,’ I say. ‘The most fun I’ve ever had. But it’s back to reality now, right?’
‘Back to reality,’ he echoes. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You go back to your life, I go back to mine.’
‘And that’s that?’ he asks.
I feel like such a cow but I don’t know what else to say. Can I tell him the truth? That I’m so scared he’s going to hurt me, and not because of anything that he’s said or done, but because I know the world he lives in, and I can’t compete. I can’t compete with the women – I certainly can’t compete with the lifestyle. Freddie would be so hurt if I told him that I didn’t want to be with him because I’d just be scared and jealous every second I wasn’t with him. My blood boils at Daniel for getting in my head and planting all these seeds of doubt.
‘Are you going back with Daniel?’ Freddie asks me simply.
If he thought that, would he take this news better?
‘I’m flying back with him,’ I reply. ‘Obviously, we already have tickets.’
‘And when you get home?’
‘Well, we do live together…’
‘You’re actually going to take him back?’ Freddie asks in disbelief. ‘Because he cried?’
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do,’ I reply honestly. ‘But I do know that, whatever we’ve got going on, it’s not going to work, is it?’
‘We could make it work,’ he tells me.
‘It’s okay for you, with your easy life. But I’ve got a mortgage and a job that I have to keep doing so I can pay my bills and eat. I have plants that need watering and a grandma who I take shopping every Wednesday. I have an entire life waiting for me, with or without Daniel. And I have to go back to it.’
Freddie shuffles in his seat. I don’t think he knows what to say or do but there’s nothing he can do.
‘Come inside,’ he says. ‘Let’s pack while we do this.’
‘I already did,’ I reply.
Freddie exhales deeply.
‘Why do I feel like my wife moved out while I was at work?’ he asks with an awkward laugh.
I give him a half-smile.
All I want to do is grab him and kiss him and beg him to make this work no matter what it takes, but I know that it can’t. I’m sure he would try, but it just can’t.
‘What if I loved you?’ he asks. ‘What would you think?’
It feels as if every organ in my body has stopped working all at once. I feel weightless, suspended in mid-air, unable to do anything. I love him. I’m sure that I love him. But I just can’t be in another complicated relationship. My brief dice with Daniel’s extracurricular activities has left me petrified.
‘I’d think I was relieved you never told me that,’ I reply.
Freddie’s eyebrows shoot up.
‘Okay, then.’ He coughs, clearing his throat. ‘Looks like I’ve massively misunderstood the situation.’
‘Come on,’ I start. ‘You were acting. We were both playing a part.’
‘Lila, I am not that good an actor,’ he replies. ‘All of it was real for me. The attraction was there from the moment I met you. Perhaps you’re a better actress than you think.’
He turns around and heads for his door, stopping just before he gets there. As he lingers, I want more than anything to tell him that I love him too. His pause gives me pause; perhaps it doesn’t have to be this way.
‘Oh, before I forget,’ he says, tossing an envelope towards me.
‘What’s that?’ I ask.
‘We won Mr & Mrs Valentine Island,’ he says with a laugh. ‘That’s your cheque. Have a nice life.’
And with that, he goes inside and slams the door behind him.
I head into my suite alone, about to end my holiday the way it started. Sad, lonely and with the realisation that I won’t be spending my life with the man I love.
39
Day 13
I’ve made a mistake.
In hindsight, I knew I was making it even while I was making it. I went to sleep with it on my mind, just chipping away at me, but when I woke up… the second I opened my eyes the reality of what I had done really set in, and all I could think about was making it right.
I jumped out of bed, hurried down the stairs and ran next door, ready to spill my guts, to right my wrongs, to tell Freddie that I love him.
But he had already checked out. I realised this after banging on the front door and peering into the back, but there was no sign of him.
So I guess that is that, then.
I finished packing my bags and made my way to the boat that will take me from the island back to Naples, where I can catch a plane back to my shitty life.
I sit on the side of the boat that looks out to sea. When I arrived it was so dark; at least this time I’ll be able to take in the views.
Another big difference is that I’m not by myself this time. I have Daniel next to me. On the way here I wished he were with me. Now that we’re on the way back I desperately wish he weren’t.
I’ve asked him not to talk to me and so far he has obliged.
We’re just about to set off when one last couple gets on. It’s Kevin and Jen, but they seem different.
‘Lila,’ Jen squeaks as she sits down opposite me. ‘Where’s Freddie?’
‘He has to catch an earlier flight,’ I say.
Kevin sits down next to her.
‘All right?’ he asks, but then he looks confused. ‘You two were with other people. Don’t tell me you’re together now.’
‘Kev, don’t be cheeky,’ Jen says, kissing him on the cheek.
‘Sorry, boo,’ he says, turning into her kiss, bombarding her with pecks.
‘You too seem great,’ I tell them.
‘We had a turning point,’ Jen explains. ‘It was the night of the storm and we had this huge row. I wound up telling him I wanted a divorce and he said he wanted the same. I flounced off, in a proper huff, and that’s when the weather got worse and I slipped on some wet grass, fell down, twisted my ankle – lowest point of my life.’
‘Then what happened?’ Daniel asks curiously.
‘Just when things seemed at their worst, Kevin appeared. Never mind your guy, he was like something out of a movie,’ Jen says. ‘He picked me up and carried me back to our villa.’
‘It was just like when Samwise carried Frodo up Mount Doom,’ Kevin adds.
‘Don’t ruin it, babe,’ she says with a laugh.
I can’t believe how much lighter they seem.
‘But, yes, if you love someone, no matter what happens, everything just figures itself out,’ Jen says.
They kiss again.
It’s so great to see them work things out, especially because they’ve been together for so long and because they have kids.
Freddie and I might not have been together for very long, and we might not have any kids or major ties to each other whatsoever, but what we had was real, and Jen is right. If you love someone, you work it out. We could’ve worked it out.
But no, instead I let Daniel get in my head, I let my insecurities run amuck, and I pushed him away.
As we finally board our plane and take off, things finally feel real. I blew it. And now it’s back to real life, or whatever will be left of it, once Daniel and I figure out how we’re supposed to split everything we own.
‘Oh, love, before I forget, I’m going to need my golf stuff washing for tomorrow,’ Daniel tells me as he reads his newspaper.
‘What?’
‘My golf stuff,’ he repeats, but slower this time, so it’s easier for me to understand. ‘It needs washing. Maybe stick it in with our holiday stuff when you wash that.’
I stare at him, unable to do anything but blink. Eventually, he feels my eyes on him. He stares at me blankly.
‘What?’
‘I’m just trying to work out whether you’re high or you’ve lost your mind,’ I reply.
‘What are you talking about?’ he asks rudely.
‘I’m not doing your bloody washing,’ I tell him. ‘And I’m flabbergasted this doesn’t go without saying.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because we’re not together any more,’ I reply, frustrated. Did he really think I’d keep doing his washing?
‘I thought we were giving it another go,’ he insists.
I don’t know what I find more disturbing, the fact that he thinks I’d give him another chance or that he thought we were getting back together and the first thing he asked me to do was his dirty washing.
‘Why would you think that?’ I ask.
‘Because you’re coming home with me,’ he says with a smile. Because a smile makes everything okay, right?
‘These are our pre-booked seats,’ I tell him. ‘We’d already paid for them.’
Now I’m beginning to wish I’d paid the extra money for a different flight, or at least exit seats so I could take my chances with a parachute.
‘Wait, so if you haven’t picked me, why did you bin off Freddie?’ he asks. ‘I was outside the villa this morning, he was outside too, talking to his American friend. Sounded to me like he’d been dumped. Why would you dump him?’
I honestly have no idea, but I really, really wish I hadn’t.
40
Five Months Later
‘Cast your mind back five months ago,’ Ali demands. ‘Back when we were in Italy.’
‘Wow, was that five months ago?’ I reply.
Where the hell has the time gone?
If it’s five months since we got back, then it’s pretty much five months since I moved back into a flat-share with Ali.
I was adamant that I didn’t want to give up my house and thankfully Daniel wasn’t precious about keeping it. But going back there after everything that happened, I somehow just knew things would never be the same. It was like walking around a graveyard of our life together. How was I supposed to get up every day and look into a bathroom mirror that Daniel put up, before eating breakfast in the kitchen we chose together? And then there were those awful hallway tiles that he chose, that I hated, that we ended up with because he won the game of Rock, Paper, Scissors – our last resort when it came to decision-making.
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