Abandoned Breaths

by Alfa

  He looks at me as though he has never seen my eyes before.

  Like he does not remember how they blend in with the sky on hot Montana days.

  Or the way they tear up when I hear him read

  a bedtime story to a child.

  He looks at me, blank face, emotions stripped away.

  A replica of my soulmate.

  And I realize a stranger stands before me and he is speaking in a language, I cannot understand.

  I can hear my soul ripping in half, and it is making his words hard to absorb.

  This beautiful man who once told me how many freckles I have scattered across skin

  that is the softest this side of the West coast…

  is looking straight through me.

  And even the sound of my heart falling at

  his feet does not startle him

  as he tells me he no longer loves me.

  And all the while, he is looking at me

  as though he has never seen my eyes before.

  ~Stranger

  M O N S O O N

  71

  I saw a battleground in his eyes.

  The wars he had fought in life

  held my stare.

  He held out his battered hand,

  and cupped my face,

  and told me he was utterly lost.

  But I knew that lost was not

  a place, but was a soul

  in paralysis, waiting to feel moved,

  and I wanted to help him feel.

  And I desperately

  wanted him to feel me.

  ~Warrior.

  72 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I am so much more.

  More than your shallow heart

  can hold.

  More than your blood

  that runs cold.

  I am more than the

  failure you thought I would be.

  I am more than the words

  you spoke to me.

  I am more than the reasons

  you used to flee.

  More…

  then you will ever let me be.

  ~More

  M O N S O O N

  73

  Be honest with yourself.

  You are not afraid

  to love someone.

  You are afraid

  of not being loved back.

  ~Obstacles.

  74 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I often think I am too broken,

  not cracked… or chipped,

  but utterly shattered.

  Fractured in a way

  that cannot be reassembled,

  the way I was before,

  but then I look up,

  and I see the Universe

  in all its luminous glow,

  I know that you can

  still shine brilliantly…

  even in pieces.

  ~Fractured

  M O N S O O N

  75

  Even on the days that you cannot find

  one thing about yourself to admire or love,

  I can promise you that you are viewed

  differently by others.

  You are unique and effervescent.

  You are vintage in a sea of cookie-cutters.

  You are stardust buried beneath self-doubt;

  amazing in ways unequalled,

  because your delicate, but profound touch

  in this world matters.

  No one is you.

  You and your heart are leaving

  lasting fingerprints of infinite value…

  because you have perfected the art

  of loving in indelible ink.

  ~You are stardust.

  76 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I will always reach for you.

  Maybe not with arms,

  but my mind

  grabs hold of you

  in every memory,

  and my God…

  its grip is fierce.

  You are my motivation

  for getting through the day.

  You have been,

  ever since you went away.

  ~You are missed.

  M O N S O O N

  77

  I remind myself of my strength often.

  At times, I have had to hold on for dear life

  with a coward’s grip.

  But, if I am honest with myself…

  the true test has always been

  using my superpower to let go.

  ~Holding on was too easy.

  3

  Zephyr

  Z E P H Y R

  81

  Learning to navigate a road

  you have never traveled,

  - alone,

  is hard,

  when you are fleeing

  the very arms

  that pushed you away.

  I see lost souls

  walking past me.

  On the left.

  On the right.

  All on a mission

  to reach happiness.

  They all have a story.

  They carry it high,

  in their eyes.

  Afraid to look you head on,

  because you might be able

  to read where their hearts

  have been, and where

  they long to go.

  ~Story

  82 Abandoned

  Breaths

  When I stopped interrogating myself

  about what went wrong,

  I began attracting everything…

  that was right.

  ~Don’t look back

  Z E P H Y R

  83

  I did not look back,

  even though the past

  continued to scream my name.

  I just ran faster…

  until all I heard were

  your whispers

  urging me forward.

  “I don’t love you.

  It’s not you…It is me.”

  ~Whispers

  84 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I tried to be

  what he wanted.

  I swear…

  I gave it

  every scream

  within my chest.

  Until one day

  the cries crawled

  their way out,

  and led me

  out the door.

  ~Crawling

  Z E P H Y R

  85

  I hope you never have to do it.

  I hope you never have to bury

  your soulmate,

  knowing they still walk upon this earth.

  ~Buried Alive

  86 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Any kind of love that is

  void of action

  is not the kind of love

  that you deserve.

  If you are experiencing

  the kind of love

  that allows them to

  willfully stay away…

  then I beg you, I plead,

  let it go.

  Let them go.

  You deserve the kind of love

  that stays by your side,

  and does not make you

  question its existence.

  ~Deserving

  Z E P H Y R

  87

  He ran his hands over my past,

  lingering over the dents

  and worn edges of my heart.

  When I thought he would run away

  like the others had…

  he told me I was his Siren,

  and that my heart had called

  to him -

  beckoning,

  asking him to bestow

  honor and respect.

  ~Siren

  88 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Let’s be honest.

  We hate our pasts.

  Who looks backward and thinks they did it right?

  We made poor choices.

  W
e gave parts of ourselves to people who were not emotionally worthy enough to tie our shoes, much less make a relationship a priority.

  We allowed them to mistake our kind hearts for weak ones.

  They could not respect us because they thought we were drivel, pansies, pushovers.

  That’s what happens when you fall in love.

  Hearts soften a bit.

  They tenderize. They rub up against the force-fields that have been erected

  until they break through - marinated in pain,

  and ready to be thrown into the fire…

  of love.

  ~Fire

  Z E P H Y R

  89

  You need not worry

  if she will make it

  after you are gone.

  Her track record

  is testimony for

  resilience.

  What you need to

  contemplate,

  is how her absence

  will change your life.

  ~Reflection

  90 Abandoned

  Breaths

  If there is one thing I know for sure it is that the world can be cruel.

  It will bare its teeth and you will get your heart shredded.

  Most of the time you will never get the answers you seek either.

  Prepare yourself… it is going to happen.

  To think otherwise is setting yourself up for a ‘Why me’

  moment.

  You cannot sail through life.

  Yet whatever you do, do not let it harden you until your heart is wooden

  and splintered beyond repair.

  Reinforce self-love because the world will gleefully snatch it away.

  You must know, deep inside, that your existence and contribution matters.

  People cannot, and will not validate you.

  The world will not celebrate your uniqueness.

  It will not remind you that you are precious despite its toying with you.

  So, get used to giving your soul high-pitched catcalls and long - low whistles.

  Happiness begins with you.

  ~Happiness

  Z E P H Y R

  91

  I am not twenty something anymore.

  I do not have youth on my side.

  Wisdom has replaced the mistakes

  and lessons have been disguised as

  soul fillers.

  Perhaps more importantly, the memories

  have been earned; I would not go back

  and change much.

  Through heartache, I have unearthed a heart

  that is resilient, and pliant, and deeper

  than any five hundred-page novel I could get lost in.

  My story has been inked with mystery, intrigue, deceit, crime, true romance…

  and too many toxic turns.

  All of this has helped create a desire

  to live a life with a passion

  that is no longer on hold.

  ~Twenty-something

  92 Abandoned

  Breaths

  If I had never visited the darkness,

  I would have never found my light.

  Learning to love myself

  was a foreign emotion.

  I had to learn to like myself first,

  and it took some time to convince

  my heart,

  that I was worth a

  second look.

  ~Love Yourself

  Z E P H Y R

  93

  Never make the mistake

  of thinking a quiet soul

  is an empty one.

  ~Quiet

  94 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I hurt in places

  you brought back

  from the dead.

  Now I have to lay

  them to rest again.

  ~Risen

  Z E P H Y R

  95

  I know all about scars.

  My smile is the mask

  I wear

  365

  days

  a year.

  ~Put that lipstick on and smile for the world.

  96 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I will never understand

  the vastness of the

  human heart’s landscape.

  How it can hold centuries

  worth of love

  within its walls,

  yet harbor lifetimes of hate

  in every nook and cranny.

  ~Human heart

  Z E P H Y R

  97

  I kept the door wide open,

  not halfway, not a narrow crack,

  but torn-free from its hinges.

  I kept it open

  in case you walked through.

  Now it is time.

  I am locking the door

  I have stood and prayed from.

  I am bolting it from the inside.

  I can no longer give you permission

  to visit, nor knock on it.

  ~Vacant.

  98 Abandoned

  Breaths

  The world is full

  of precious souls

  wearing masks

  to hide the pain.

  ~Masquerade Ball

  Z E P H Y R

  99

  There are words

  that need to be said.

  Buried beneath pride and fear.

  Rejection has suffocated

  their tenacity to bloom.

  So, they stay dormant

  and fester.

  Dwelling in the darkest

  and dusty corners of a crying soul.

  Unseen, yet felt.

  Not alive, but not dead.

  Abandoned Breaths.

  Words that need to be said.

  ~Abandoned words.

  100 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Storms don't scare me,

  especially in the middle of the night.

  The lightning makes it easier

  to see the ghosts

  in the corners of my heart.

  ~Illumination

  Z E P H Y R

  101

  I will always wonder

  if I pruned your

  garden

  too closely…

  and if that is why

  you had to leave

  in order to grow.

  How empty

  would my mind be,

  if I let you go?

  ~Gardener of Heartache

  102 Abandoned

  Breaths

  What I view as catastrophic,

  is in fact a metamorphosis.

  I am becoming

  the best version

  of myself.

  Pain has carved the

  8th wonder of the world.

  A Survivor.

  ~Metamorphosis

  Z E P H Y R

  103

  My spirit has mental earthquakes,

  and nothing helps its incessant shaking

  more than absolute quiet.

  ‘Stillness’ is the comfort I seek

  as the Universe rips me wide open

  in cyclonic despair.

  I have come to accept

  that my soul is shifting.

  It is changing and purging…

  making room for growth

  and for more love.

  ~Shaking

  104 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I would rather ache…

  than feel nothing at all.

  To know that I respond

  to another heart with such

  craving, reminds me that

  I am alive.

  ~He plays the keys to my heart like a well-tuned piano.

  Z E P H Y R

  105

  I believe in change because

  I have watched it manifest

  within my own heart.

  It is a process, not an over-nighter.

  The tough part is enduring

  t
he ripping and the mending.

  You cannot go through pain

  and not be changed in some way.

  The skeletons come out

  of the closet, and dance

  with your hopes and dreams,

  and the best version of yourself

  is the last man standing.

  ~I am not the same person I was 20 years ago,

  or 20 minutes ago.

  106 Abandoned

  Breaths

  There are those who mistake

  her sorrowful eyes for weak.

  What they do not understand

  is that supernatural strength

  grows from pain…

  and that this soft

  and delicate creature

  who purrs like a kitten,

  is really a woman

  with super powers that

  roars with the ferocity