*
Zorka was long gone then, her father buried, her mamka moved out. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started memorising proverbs at an incredible rate. We got more dictionaries in the house. I got into the high school specialising in languages and impressed everyone by doing nothing but studying, all the time, big books gasping open all around me. My mamka started calling me “The Scholar” and bragged openly about my skills in French and English and German and Russian, all the while I was in my room, learning more and more. My papka was a bit different about it – a layer of discomfort, like coarse hair in a comb, at having a bookish daughter who could only spit out proverbs. He always echoed my mother, “Good job, Janinka!” But something in the way his pupils rolled away when he pushed a smile at me, made me want to disappear forever. He observed me the way you look at people who do small tasks with too much passion and precision.
*
I often wondered if he ever wished I’d go blind so that I’d never read another book again.
*
I studied and my brother studied and my brother worked in the evenings and my brother hung out elsewhere and I kept my door closed. For our grades, they were proud. Mamka, dumbfounded with pride for her giant son and brainy daughter. Papka, alongside, agreeing and uneasy. In the end, we looked nothing alike, Vilèm and I. But everyone knew we were the same household, because we both walked animal-like, degenerate in our downward glare.
*
“Von nichts kommt nichts, Papa. Nothing comes from nothing.”
*
Then my brother was completely and undeniably a man, with gelled dark hair and his clear eyes ebbing beneath his thick forehead. When he smiled, you could see his front straight teeth were framed by two slightly crooked ones. It gave him an instant charm. But if he sat too long without smiling, he just looked a bit bloated and simple. He was dating this girl for a while, Karolina, who was studying engineering and also picking up some hours at the hospital-bed plant. She had thin lips coated with a shimmering pink and drawn on eyebrows that arced over her clumpy mascara-lashes and oily blue eyes. They got married and moved up north, closer to Želevčice. When he came to visit, he didn’t go into my room to say Hi. He didn’t want to disturb my studying, my mamka told me.
*
“Chacun voit midi à sa porte, Papa. Everyone sees noontime from their door.”
“Huh?”
“It means everyone’s got their own interests in mind, Papa.”
“Exactly, Janinka!”
*
Because my door was always closed, it was assumed that I was always studying. I took many breaks from studying to cry. After the crying, I’d go back to studying. At night, I’d lie in my bed and start to recite proverbs for no reason.
Blizok lokotok, da ne ukusish. The elbow’s close, but you can’t bite it – i.e. it only seems easy.
La nuit porte conseil. The night brings advice – i.e. sleep on it.
The burned child avoids fires – i.e. you idiot.
Then I pulled the pillow from under me and pressed it against my own face until my cheeks chaffed with heat.
*
Finally, I decided to have a destiny. I knew Zorka was living hers out somewhere and I wanted one too. I stopped trying to bite my own elbow or burn my face off with my pillow. I clenched down on my tears and pushed myself fully into my studies, then got accepted into the Sorbonne University in Paris.
*
Autant en emporte le vent! The first French proverb I learned. “As much as the wind can carry!” is the literal translation, and I proclaimed it with zeal. It actually means “empty promises”. Luckily no one in my family spoke French either. My mother said, “Listen, we don’t have the money.” I said, “I don’t need the money.” My brother gave me some. He didn’t tell his wife. It was a beginning.
*
About Zorka, I’d come to the only conclusion possible. She didn’t give a fuck-all for me. She never did. She had a destiny, and as smart as everyone told me I was, I had a birdbrain about my own fate. And so, I did like Zorka and went my own way. I said goodbye to Prague, goodbye to my mamka and my papka and Vilèm and Karolina, like I was winter’s last snow melting, evaporating back into the sky, to return again as something else altogether, unrecognisable, a different element, a different being. I disappeared and reappeared Parisian.
I’m glad we r alone now
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Hey you.
Dominxxika_N39: I’m glad we r alone now.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Me too . . .
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *blush
0_hotgirlAmy_0: . . . now I’m nervous again.
Dominxxika_N39: Don’t b nervous.
Dominxxika_N39: My real name is Dominika. What urs?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Amy.
Dominxxika_N39: What r u wearing, sexy Amy?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Flared jeans. L.E.I.s. with this rose patch on the knee. And a new tank I got at Abercrombie. It’s like melon green, spaghetti straps.
Dominxxika_N39: I’m sure u r looking really nice in it.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *blush
0_hotgirlAmy_0: . . . u?
Dominxxika_N39: I have long dark hair, full, sometimes it hang and cover my eye. I like it when I feeling shy. My eyes are very blue.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: U sound hot. What r u wearing?
Dominxxika_N39: I wearing red dress. My husband got it for me as gift.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *frowns
Dominxxika_N39: Don’t worry, he not home. I have heels on. They are shiny red with long sharp heel. I’m pressing into the carpet.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: O, wow. But just sucks that u have a husband . . .
Dominxxika_N39: My husband travel a lot for work . . .
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Hold on. Brb.
Dominxxika_N39: I sorry to mention him again.
Dominxxika_N39: Please don’t leave.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Back. Sorry. No it’s not you. My mom’s making dinner upstairs, she’s always bugging me about what we wanna eat, I told her I don’t care.
Dominxxika_N39: What she cooking?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Mac n cheese with tuna. She’s just like mushing everything together cause she’s pissed my dad’s still not home from work yet.
Dominxxika_N39: O yes, I remember when I little and my mum so anger with father all time. He was working in Ministry before Russians took over. All sudden, he doing manual labour jobs only, transporting tiles. My mom say he should not be so coward.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Yeah my mom can’t even say anything to his face. She just blabs to me about it, like O he’s having an affair. I’m like yeah right Mom, you’re not in a movie, he’s just staying late to please Mr Sheffield (that’s his department manager). It’s kind of embarrassing, like you can see how my dad just feels like a moron all the time, especially like in front of other men, like at the company picnic I had to go to, he had these huge sweat stains in his shirt the whole time cause he was so nervous trying to do everything right for Mr Sheffield.
Dominxxika_N39: We have like Mr Sheffield too in my country, before they take notes and make reports for government, now they regular civilian or boss or politician, but still we scared for their previous ties. Sometime I worry about this too and it make me sweaty.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Totally. My dad’s like so nervous all the time and he and my mom are yelling forever, saying they don’t have the money for this or for that. So finally I was like, Ugh just stop yelling, I’ll get a job! I mean it was just for the summer. At the Marcus Southgate Cinema. Then these girls came from school and they were like, “Nice uniform, Amy.” I was getting them their sweet and salty popcorn, but then they started saying, “Gross, Amy, your elbow touched some of the popcorn, don’t you have like a scooping protocol?” Then they said, “I’m gonna tell the manager. That’s like a health violation.” I was so over that job. And when school started again, those girls would like pinch their nose in the hallway and say that I stink like oil. It was the lamest joke ever.
Do
minxxika_N39: These girls are like acting on behalf of intimidators I am sure. They are enforcing scared feelings, it is to contain your individual power, so you not get too outspoken.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Yeah they are total bitches, I don’t even care. With their boyfriends from the football team, and in the locker room after gym class, they’re like omg you’re so lucky you’re going to prom with Jared cause he has the biggest dick. And then they looked at me as if I was even listening, as if I even care, and they said, What are you looking at . . . dyke.
Dominxxika_N39: What is dyke?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Um. U don’t know what that word is? It’s like. It means you . . . stare at girls and that you . . . can’t help yourself . . . and that it’s gross.
Dominxxika_N39: But u r not gross! U r very sexy.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *blush
Dominxxika_N39: I can see you, you r looking so cute, Amy.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *embarrassed
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I wish I could just come to Prague. Milwaukee sucks.
Dominxxika_N39: Actually I not in Prague exactly. I live in Želevčice u Slaného, like 45 minutes in car north and west from city.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: What’s it like there?
Dominxxika_N39: Prague is very exciting. When I there, I feel like I am in Paris walking around like such modern woman, but Želevčice is very quiet and not much for people, only hospital-bed production plant and very quiet fields.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Same here! Milwaukee is a total yawn.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Maybe I can come over there & keep u company while ur husband’s away.
Dominxxika_N39: I like this. U can wear your cute jeans.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: And u can show me around . . .
Dominxxika_N39: Yes, we can take walk on road together, if we walk far, past big production plant, on the right big green field, it go so far back, it touch the sun when it setting. On the right, another big green field, leaf tips touch sunlight too and like million little pieces of gold, u feel rich! It is quiet like boredom but it is also beautiful. And I could hold your hand, outside, when there is wind.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *huge smile
Dominxxika_N39: There is little chapel here, it is pale yellow and has small bell to ring on roof. It built in 1913.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: That’s cute.
Dominxxika_N39: One time, my husband take me with him to Litvinov, one hour north, for work trip, and there I visit St Michael’s church, also yellow, but little bit sour colour, but very beautiful.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: We could totally go there. I have my driver’s license!
Dominxxika_N39: Wow, you are a very free person then. My husband do not want for me to drive.
Dominxxika_N39: Do you know Archangel Michael?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: No. Who’s that?
Dominxxika_N39: He is important angel. He was against Satan. He is defender. Also, he help souls at hour of their death.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: He sounds kinda creepy . . .
Dominxxika_N39: He is very powerful. He try to help. Sometimes he whisper to humans little advices . . . He come in moment when you think I cannot live life no more.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Oh.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I kinda get that . . .
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Cause once . . . in chemistry class, Jared had to be my lab partner . . . In the back, they were passing notes and laughing. I was just keeping my eyes down. Just like waiting for class to be done. For the bell to ring. For everything to be over you know. But I could feel it coming. The piece of paper. It was being passed, down, then down, then down, then they tapped me on the shoulder and gave me the note and I didn’t want to take it or unfold it or read it, but I just did. It said: WHY DON’T U ASK JARED TO PUT HIS BIG DICK IN UR CUNT SO U CAN STOP DYKIN OUT ON ALL THE GIRLS IN CLASS?
Dominxxika_N39: This is not very good advice.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: It was so stupid. Like they thought they were gonna make me cry in class again. It’s this game they have. Whatever. I guess it happened then though. I heard a whisper like what you were saying.
Dominxxika_N39: Archangel Michael whisper to u?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Well I mean I dunno if it was Archangel Michael or whatever. But it did really feel like someone else was saying something to me, not like when you tell yourself something in your head. It was definitely someone else. This voice, kinda low, but strong, whispering to me: Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: It was just . . . yeah like I said, it was really strong. I could really hold onto it. Then when the bell rang, I didn’t even feel like going to the bathroom and locking myself in a stall. I guess I didn’t feel . . . anything. I just went to my locker to get my social studies book, and then went to my next class.
Dominxxika_N39: This may be Archangel Michael.
Dominxxika_N39: But I am little jealous. I want to whisper in your ear . . .
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *blush
0_hotgirlAmy_0: What would you whisper in my ear?
Dominxxika_N39: How I want to touch u.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: *megablush
Dominxxika_N39: Can I . . . touch u?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Um . . . I’m kinda shy . . .
Dominxxika_N39: U r very cute. Do not be shy, sexy Amy.
Dominxxika_N39: I just touch u with my fingertips. Ok?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Ok . . .
Dominxxika_N39: I’m sorry my fingertips are little cold.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: That’s ok . . .
Dominxxika_N39: My husband turn off heating when he go.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: He sounds like an asshole.
Dominxxika_N39: Shh . . .
Dominxxika_N39: Do you feel my fingertips? They touching waist of your jeans. They slowly stepping under your shirt and walking up to your belly button.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: That tickles. Kinda.
Dominxxika_N39: U want I stop?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: No. It feels nice too.
Dominxxika_N39: Your skin warm. They walking up your stomach. Do you feel them?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Yeah.
Dominxxika_N39: Where u want me to touch u next?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Um . . . dunno.
Dominxxika_N39: I take 1 finger . . . where can I put it, sexy Amy?
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Um . . .
Dominxxika_N39: Tell me, where can I put my finger . . .
0_hotgirlAmy_0: . . . in . . . my mouth . . .
Dominxxika_N39: My fingernails are red, like my dress.
Dominxxika_N39: I put my red fingernail on your bottom lip.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I’m . . . tasting . . . your finger.
Dominxxika_N39: I feel ur tongue, warm and wet, it slide around my nail. Take my finger in ur mouth.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I open my mouth . . .
Dominxxika_N39: I slid finger in slow, slow, into your mouth.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I’m . . . licking . . . it . . .
Dominxxika_N39: Suck on my finger, sexy Amy.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I’m sucking it.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Up and down.
Dominxxika_N39: I put finger deeper.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Yes.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: All of it.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I can feel your knuckle.
Dominxxika_N39: Suck me.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: I’m sucking you.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Put your other hand down my jeans.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: Put your fingers inside me.
Dominxxika_N39 has gone offline.
0_hotgirlAmy_0: U there?
Tears and saints
Jana came home from the medical trade show, set her keys down, took her heels off, opened the window, lit up a Gauloise Blonde and smoked it, leaning out of her window.
She felt the corner of a business card etch into her stomach through her blazer pocket. She leaned back, slid her fingers into her pocket and pulled it out.
THE BLUE ANGEL
Bar à vin.
It was the card Mr Doubek had given her, a stark blue-black with the letters embossed on t
he paper. No telephone, no website, just a street address. Rue de Prague. Prague Street. She flipped the card over.
9pm.
*
She had finished the early dinner she had made for herself, the last piece of an oven-heated quiche Lorraine with a salad of lamb’s lettuce and cherry tomatoes, and two pieces of toast with margarine. She drank a full glass of water. Then made tea. Then poured herself the rest of a bottle of Brouilly, then considered making another cup of tea, but she knew she was not craving that taste or consistency, but could not pinpoint what it was her palate desired. She decided to ignore the craving, pulled out another cigarette, opened the window, and lit up the Gauloise Blonde.
As she smoked, she felt the craving, more of an agitation, like fibrous threads being pulled through her muscles. She found herself mumbling:
To inhabit a habit, our bestowed skill,
It replaces happiness with will.
It was from one of the passages she had memorised in her youth. This one from Pushkin’s Eugene Onegin. She remembered clearly now, standing with her grey socks on the carpet so that each of her toes touched a maroon curl in the carpet’s design, looking up at her mother, and reciting the passage in Russian. The next week, she went back to French.
These endless stanzas, aphoristic sentences and smug proverbs she had memorised in her scholarly youth began to flutter in her mind as if someone had just opened a window there.
She unzipped her skirt and pulled it off her body, then took out a pair of midnight blue trousers. Coat off the hook, heels back on, keys in hand, Jana slid the blue card into her trouser pocket.
*
To sigh and furl with eager thought:
When will the devil end your fraught!
*
She walked down Rue Monge to the next station, so she could get one cigarette in before getting on the métro. Passing her, people chatted with voices above them, like birds. The fabrics they were wearing folded, wrinkled, blew back in the breeze. Jana took out her packet of Gauloises Blondes, pulled out a cigarette, lit it and slid the packet back into her purse.
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