‘You did it,’ I said to her, trying to smile, ‘you did it.’
She didn’t look like she believed it yet. I kept forgetting how young she was, as if stubbornness and motherhood could hide it.
When Sarah was settled, Kit made a call.
‘The police?’ I asked quietly, hovering at her side as she held the phone to her ear. I watched Sarah from across the room, smiling at her son to show that everything was alright. As if she could convince herself by convincing him. How strange that a smile was all in the eyes, that without truth it was just red eyes and bared teeth.
Kit shook her head, ‘They’ll know soon enough. But we have ways of looking after our own around here.’
I knew what that meant. I’d seen it enough times on the estate. The pride, the pack, the code of honour.
‘Who did you call, Kit?’
‘Fraser. He loves that girl like she was his own. He’ll take care of it.’
I wanted to tell her to be reasonable, to call the police and let it be handled properly. But I didn’t. Because Sarah was sweet and kind and I could see why everyone would do anything they could to keep her safe. To stop her from feeling powerless in a court, looking at a man like Murray as he smirked like she was nothing.
It was a community, and if you broke the rules, you paid the price.
‘Don’t look at me like that, they’re not going to kill him! They’ll just make it clear he’s not welcome here anymore. She deserves to feel safe in her own town, don’t you think?’
I watched Sarah settling herself on the little sofa, stroking Lachlan’s hair even though he’d since drifted off to sleep.
‘She’s lucky to have you.’
Kit looked at me, briefly taking my wrist in her bony, rough grasp. ‘If I’d known about you, I would have been there too, you know? When everything happened.’
‘Well, we’ve had enough dramas to share since, I’d say.’ I nudged her with my hip. ‘Been quite a day.’
‘Normally, I’m a fan of understating things, but I think that’s a bit much,’ Kit sighed, shaking her head. ‘At least the day’s almost over.’
Kit spoke too soon.
I knew it, the moment she said it. Bad things happened in threes, that’s what Mum always used to say. Never tempt Fate unless you’re willing to pay the price. She was strangely mystical like that, and I always wondered why she never thought about karma. That said, no one thinks they’re the villain, do they? If anything, maybe we were the villains in her story. I certainly was now.
Eventually Sarah handed Lachlan to me, nodding and giving me a small smile as she went to the bathroom. I took it as an honour, a symbol of trust, and Kit nodded like she was proud of me, that small smile on her face, if only for a second.
When she came back, Sarah didn’t immediately reach for him, instead busying herself cleaning up in the kitchen, tidying anything she could find until eventually she lay down on the sofa and fell asleep.
About twenty minutes later, just as Lachlan was settling into sleep in my arms, and his mother dozed almost peacefully on the sofa, the phone rang.
I stopped breathing, so sure it would be Fraser, or whoever else he was in charge of, to say that it had all gone horribly wrong, that Murray had got away, was on his way to us, was making demands. Or perhaps someone had been hurt. I went through every possible scenario in the ten seconds that the phone rang before Kit picked it up.
I watched Lachlan, his little bottom lip quivering with the threat of tears, even before he’d opened his eyes. I shushed him, rocked him, desperately prayed that he wouldn’t start crying, because I was sure I would start crying too at any point, the way this day had been going. Even just looking at Sarah’s face, so white against the rapidly changing bruise, her brow furrowed in sleep as if she knew she wouldn’t sleep uninterrupted… it made something in my chest ache.
‘Hello?’ Kit’s voice was soft, and I saw her take the phone out of the back door, her voice muffled as she stood facing into the distance. ‘This is she.’
‘I see,’ I heard her say, ‘right… well, yes, I see.’
The other person spoke for a little longer, and all I could hear in Kit’s tone was bemusement. ‘Right, well, thank you for letting me know.’
The voice on the other end said something, and Kit huffed, almost snorting in that irritated kind of amusement.
‘I can imagine it’s been quite the ordeal. You can let my sister know I plan for her to be at St Michael’s as long as she is willing to stay. Please tell her I’ll be there tomorrow. Yes, goodnight.’
‘What did she do?’ I tried to whisper but ended up hissing, when Kit stepped back inside the room. ‘What’s she done now?’
Kit shook her head, almost laughing as she exhaled. ‘Your mother, in what her nurses are calling a fit of confusion, decided to try and make a great escape.’
‘Right…’
‘After relieving a few of the other residents of their cash, jewellery and other valuables,’ Kit snorted. ‘Always loved herself a good bit of drama, did Nina. Good to see things haven’t changed. She didn’t make it past the main gate. They’ve got her back in her room now.’
I closed my eyes in embarrassment, ‘Are they going to prosecute?’
‘Of course not, she said she was confused, and apologised. Apparently she asked after me.’ Kit shook her head, ‘I told her to get comfortable. I’ll go tomorrow and straighten things out.’
I tilted my head in surprise. ‘You’re not going to punish her? Stop paying for the facility? Send her packing? It must be costing you a fortune, and—’
Kit held up a hand, and shook her head, but her smile took the sting out.
‘Sometimes when people test you to see if you’ll stay, it’s worth letting them know you will. My sister did not deserve to have you, my love, and you do not have to have anything to do with her ever again. But for the sake of our mother, I’m going to look after her as long as I can.’
Kit seemed to have this ability to be able to hold the awful things about someone alongside the good things, and just do what needed to be done. Pure acceptance, even if you didn’t agree.
‘Family first,’ I nodded.
‘Family first,’ Kit agreed, ‘whether blood or chosen. Besides, I’ve decided to have a little hope in humanity. We’ll see what the world does with that.’
Sarah and I spent the next day together, and whilst she was clearly shaken, the strength of that young girl was still in there. She just didn’t feel the need to put on a pretence. She wasn’t happy, and she needed time, so that’s how she was going to be.
She smiled for her son, singing to him and playing with him. She brushed the horses, and as long as she could see Lachlan at all times, she was fine. But I knew she and Kit had their own relationship, and I wanted to let them have their time together.
And I’d missed my morning gossip with Effie.
So I made my way into town. Partly I wanted the distraction, but mostly I wanted to know about Murray. Whether anything had been done. I was hoping Effie, at least, had forced someone to report the incident to the police.
‘He turned up earlier, black and blue and angry as a bear with a sore head,’ she said to me without further greeting. ‘I refused to serve him.’
‘I bet that went down well.’ I’d only seen Murray from a distance, but he wasn’t small.
‘Jakob stepped in,’ Effie looked to the back of the café where her cook was frowning at the fryer, his eyebrows down low. ‘I’m not sure Jakob knows what to do with himself, bless him. I think he would have liked to have been the one to hurt him, but he doesn’t want to overstep. He still thinks he’s an outsider.’
I shook my head, keeping my eyes on him.
‘He wanted to run over to Kit’s to see her, but I convinced him to give her some space. Lass doesn’t need anyone else’s amateur dramatics right now, aye? She just needs help and space and time.’
‘I agree… but didn’t anyone want to tell the police?’ I aske
d, desperate for just one person to be official, to trust the system. So Sarah would be safe, so he would be put away. In my head, that was what happened. If Dan could be sent away for punching a man who fell and hit his head, surely what Murray had done was actionable too?
‘Oh lass, take three guesses where Murray’s da works.’ Effie’s dark eyes darted back and forth as she waited for me to understand.
I sighed, holding up both hands in defeat. ‘Okay, fine. Clan business, as Kit says.’
‘Don’t be like that. You work to the system that gets results. That bastard on his way out of town with his tail between his legs is a result. He won’t mention whatever happened to his da, and Sarah will feel safe again. It may not be official, but it’s justice, of a sort.’
‘And what if he comes back? What if it didn’t scare him?’
Effie shook her head, ‘I know the lads in this town and how they deal with… that sort of thing. All they’d been waiting for was permission. Young sweet thing like Sarah with her wee lad and her brave smile? She could have started a war round here growing up if she’d wanted to. One cheeky grin sent to the wrong boy and she could have had them all chasing. But she kept to herself, had dreams of going to university to study. Maybe now he’s gone, she’ll do that. When she starts to believe in herself again.’
It was easy enough to see it in Sarah’s mannerisms now, the hesitance when someone complimented her, as if it might be a trap. The dismissal of any words of encouragement. The idea of someone like Sarah having been systematically worn down over the years, until she truly believed she didn’t deserve her dreams, was horrific.
I could see why everyone had banded together to protect her.
‘And how are you, hen? What with… everything?’ Effie’s head tilted like a concerned owl.
‘I am… figuring it all out, I guess,’ I sighed.
‘And what about that lovely husband of yours, what are you doing about him?’
‘That is an excellent question.’
I hadn’t spoken to Dan yet. I hadn’t told him about my mother’s revelation, or how I was wrong. Because none of it mattered to him. He had believed me from the start. I was there, Taz.
And he was right. He had been there too. Making choices. He hadn’t been the marionette, and I was not in control of our story.
I might always feel guilty about what happened, but he’d always told me he never regretted it. I’d believed him, right up until his parents returned, until our new life started. And he was right about that too – I knew exactly who he was and what life he was expected to lead. Maybe it had even seemed perfect when I was a teenager. But I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. Not even for him. Biting your tongue just left bruises.
Effie’s face was kind as she patted my shoulder, ‘Real love is a rare and wonderful thing. But it’s not the only thing.’
I nodded, and she gave me a quick hug. ‘We’re all going to come over tonight, a big group dinner. Be there for Sarah.’
‘And for Kit.’
‘And for you,’ she nudged me, ‘no getting rid of us now.’
‘Well thank goodness for that,’ I grinned. Effie managed to pack me up with multiple sandwiches and cakes for Kit, Sarah ‘and the wee lad’, even though we were seeing her later. It still made me smile.
When I was driving back to the farm, Dan called.
‘Hi…’ I was wary, unsure even where to start.
‘Hello my beautiful wife,’ he said, his usual lilt, usual tone. As if nothing had happened.
‘Hello my wonderful husband,’ I gave the expected reply, even as it made me want to cry a little.
‘I just wanted to check in.’ After your absolute meltdown.
‘That makes sense.’ After my absolute meltdown.
There was silence for a moment, and Dan suddenly said, ‘Guess what my favourite meal is, Taz.’
‘What?’
‘What’s my favourite meal? My absolute, makes-me-happy, last-meal type meal? Guess.’
I laughed, going along with it, enjoying this moment of normality. ‘Easy, buster. Chateaubriand with potato dauphinoise and minted spinach at Serafino’s. With a fancy pants red wine.’
He made a buzzer noise, ‘Eh, wrong! Try again!’
I frowned, trying to think.
‘Ah, okay. Terrifyingly rare burger at The Shack, with a beetroot bun, extra-crispy bacon and a side of truffle mac and cheese?’
I could hear his smile widening, ‘Nope, I’ll put you out of your misery…’ He slapped out a drum roll on what must have been his desk, ‘… tuna pasta bake.’
‘Horse shit.’
We’d lived off it in the studio flat in Tufnell Park. I’d make a big batch of it on Sunday and we’d eat it for days. It was the only thing I knew how to cook, something cobbled together from cheap ingredients that could satiate a growing teenage boy who was accustomed to big meals at home.
Eventually, I learnt to add chillies and soups and stews to my repertoire, anything we could make in a batch to fill our bellies. I was proud of how I’d find cheap ingredients and make it last, loved to tell Dan how much I’d spent and how many meals we’d got from it. I was proud to be thrifty. To care for him.
‘We haven’t eaten that in years.’ I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten something so basic. ‘I don’t know what point you’re trying to make here.’
‘Those days were the happiest in my life. Maybe it didn’t feel like it at the time. Maybe I was worried about money and my parents and my future. But sitting with you, eating tuna pasta bake and watching VHS tapes we’d bought from the charity shop… that was happiness to me. Still is.’
It was easy to get lost in it, our love story. Our history. Our rags-to-riches, first love, young marriage, ultimate sacrifice kind of story. It’s why the journos loved it, why they reached out every few years. I was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks and he was the boy who was destined for greatness. It was a good story.
But that didn’t mean it made sense anymore.
‘Look, I think when I get back we need to have a proper discussion about everything, about what we want to do.’ I breathed. ‘Just like you said.’
He completely ignored that, ‘I’m assuming you haven’t received your parcel then?’
‘What parcel?’ I shook my head, ‘No, listen, we have some decisions to make, and I know I haven’t made things easy—’
He interrupted me, ‘Taz, honestly, don’t make any decisions until you’ve seen what I’ve sent, okay?’
‘Dan, presents aren’t going to solve anything, all the money—’
‘Taz! I’ve known you most of my life. I know things have been very weird, but can you maybe trust that…’ he trailed off. ‘You know what, never mind. Just wait until you receive the package, okay? Give me that much.’
‘Okay.’
‘Good, thank you.’ He sounded different, sure of himself. Perhaps it wasn’t my decision to make anyway, perhaps he’d already made it for me. Which was what I’d wanted all along, wasn’t it? For him to come to his senses and prove me right? I was just like Nina, waiting for people to leave and testing them until they gave in. ‘I’ve got to go now, but I love you. Call me when you get the package. I want to know what you think.’
‘That’s suitably cryptic.’
‘Just keeping the magic alive, babe.’
I laughed in surprise as he hung up, and clocked the tour bus approaching as I pulled in to park in front of the cottage. I ran in to join Kit, preparing all the bits and bobs to welcome the tourists.
It was second nature by now, taking photos, sharing stories, listening to people. It was easy to watch them and see what was going on with people. The new couples, unable to be separated, always reaching for each other, the older couples nudging and pointing things out. The ones in fights, the friends who had been travelling together too long. The hen party forced on an educational journey by a well-meaning organiser, desperate to offer something not centred around alcohol. The solo t
ravellers, separating into two camps: those quietly taking it all in, and those eager to chat, knowing that they got the best stories from people rather than places.
I reeled off interesting facts, and encouraged funny poses, and made kissy noises until the cows edged closer. I told them what to taste for in the whisky and where it was made. That I was heading home myself and taking a few bottles back with me (true) and that it was hard to get anywhere else (less true). I cherry-picked moments of history and knitted them into stories, the ones I knew they wanted to hear. But I made sure they were real. People want flare, sure, drama and romance and excitement. But they want it to be true. And history has that, if you know where to look and how to tell it.
When they left, Kit turned to me in awe.
‘You sure you don’t want to move up here and help me? Make it a family business?’
‘You have no idea how tempting that is,’ I smiled, putting an arm around her, ‘but I’ve got a few chapters to close back home. Things that need to be put right.’
‘And have you decided what to do?’
I made a face, ‘I’ve decided to be honest. I’m going to stop pretending everything was perfect and I was happy, because I wasn’t, and this wasn’t the life we designed or planned for. And if it’s what he wants, and we have different lives we want to lead, well… we had a good run. We were happy. We grew up together.’
I smiled at her, even though talking about us in the past tense made my heart hurt.
Kit chucked my chin, ‘You’re pretending again.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m not. It fucking hurts. But a smile isn’t a lie. And I’ve still got hope.’
That night we had a barbecue out the back of the cottage, with all of our friends coming. Fraser left the pub in capable hands, and Effie arrived with Jakob, who greeted Sarah so carefully, like he thought she might break. Lachlan reached for him, and he obliged, happy to be hanging out with ‘my little buddy Lucky’, as he called him. Effie fussed over the food, Fraser wrestled control of the barbecue and all that was left for Kit to do was help me bring the table outside onto the lawn and sit drinking beers as we soaked in the view.
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