King froze.
“What? You saw Max?” he asked in disbelief.
I nodded. “Yes. And she’s so beautiful. She has your eyes, your smile. She gave me this.” I held up my wrist to show him the plastic purple bracelet, and King ran his fingers over it, as if he were examining the queen’s jewels. “I knew right away she needed to be with me. I wanted to adopt her.”
“Baby,” King said on a strained whisper.
I wiped at another tear spilling down my other cheek. “I wanted to increase my chances of making that happen. The senator said single women looking to adopt are often passed over.” I turned to look him in the eye. “I didn’t want that to happen. I would’ve done anything. For her. For you. But to be honest, I was doing it mostly for me, because she’s a piece of you, and I wanted that piece with me, always.” I laughed. “So I did what I had to do.”
“You married Tanner… for me,” King said. There was no more anger. No judgment. If anything he sounded in awe of what I’d done. Gently reaching out to cup my face, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my lips. Where most of our kisses are full of heat and passion, this one was all tenderness and love. He pulled back slowly, looking me over as if he were searching for something.
“And for me,” I reminded him. “I hate to break it to you, but I fell in love with her faster than I fell in love with you.”
King laughed. “I love you. I’ve never said that to anyone but Max before. Since the day you turned up at my party, it’s been you.” He kissed me again then rested his forehead on mine. “Only you.” It was exactly what I’d needed to hear. Warmth spread in my chest and I felt my heart expand as the beautiful man in front of me worshiped me with his eyes.
“I never loved him, just so you know,” I said, offering King something I knew he wanted to hear. “I remember him, but it wasn’t that kind of love. Not for me, anyway.”
“You loved him enough to let him fuck you. To have his kid,” King stated. There was no bitterness in his voice, and although it wasn’t a question, it seemed like he was waiting for an answer.
“Tanner was sick,” I said. “Dying. I thought what I felt for him was real love, but I know now it was just the kind of thing you feel for a close friend. He wasn’t going to get to experience graduation, or prom, or—you know, girls. It was my idea.” I shook my head. “But, we made Sammy. So, as young and stupid as we were, as I was, I don’t regret it. I may not remember my son, but I feel him in here.” I placed my hand over my heart.
King chuckled.
As great as it was to hear his laugh, I felt myself getting angry again. “What exactly do you find funny about all this?” I snapped, sitting up and leering at him.
King reached out and dragged me back to him. “Because, Pup. I could feel my blood boiling when I thought you were about to describe fucking another guy. But instead my sweet girl tells me how she gave up her virgin pussy to her dying friend.” King nuzzled his nose into my neck. “Sweetest pity-fuck ever,” he said, erupting in laughter. I grabbed a pillow and swung it at his head, but he caught it and threw it to the floor, grabbing my hips and settling me on top of him.
“Now tell me where the fuck you were for a whole month,” I demanded, feeling free to be pissed at him now that he was alive and well. I crossed my arms over my chest. He pulled my arms away from my body and moved his lips from my ear to my nipples, sending my head rolling backward. I pushed at his head until he fell back against the headboard with a thud.
“Shit with Eli, it’s over,” he said looking relieved. He rested his hands on my waist. “It wasn’t pretty, Pup. He found us first. Shit went down you don’t ever need to know about. Shit with Bear.”
“What happened to Bear?” I asked, feeling panicked.
King squeezed my hips to grab my attention. “He’s alive. Healing. No permanent damage to his body, but after what he went through, I don’t expect him to be right in the head, not for a long while. A man can only take so much. Bear took that much and then some. Those fuckers tortured him.” King’s jaw hardened and his fingers bit painfully into my sides.
My heart ached for Bear, and for King.
“But it’s over now,” King said, cupping my cheek. “I can’t say there wasn’t a few minutes where I didn’t think I was going to get out of there alive, but I’m here now and I’m taking you home.”
“What about Sammy?” I asked.
“I can talk to Tanner if you want,” King offered. “Explain to him we’ll be wanting a trade off with Sammy. However you want it.”
He wanted me to bring Sammy home with us too.
I shook my head. “I think it’s better if I’m the one to talk to Tanner. I’ve screwed this all up. I’m the one who needs to fix it.”
King nodded. “Good. I’ll be here tomorrow night with the van. Get your shit together. Get Sammy’s shit together. If Tanner won’t see reason, let me know.”
King reached down to his jeans and pulled out a phone. “Here. This is yours. My number is the only one programmed in. Any problems, you call me. You want me here before tomorrow night? I’m here.”
“As simple as that?” I asked, feeling like I’d just been given a second chance at life. And in a way I had. Because King was alive and I was still his.
“Nope. Not that simple. You tell him you want an annulment and you want that shit yesterday. He so much as squawks at it, you tell him to come fucking see me.” King pressed his lips to mine and inhaled deeply. “In this world, there is very little I believe in, Pup. But I believe we belong together.”
“You don’t believe in God?” I asked.
“No, Pup. The only thing I have faith in, is you.”
King slipped out sometime after I fell asleep in his arms. When the morning light flooded my room, I rolled over to avoid its rays. When I finally opened my eyes, I saw something on the nightstand that made my heart flutter and soar. My smile was nothing short of ridiculously huge. I loved it immediately. It was just like the one he’d left for Grace on her hallway table all those months ago.
On my nightstand, on top of the phone that King had given me, was a tiny white ceramic rabbit.
Doe
The morning after King left I felt both elated and utterly miserable.
I had King back. He was alive and I was so grateful to whatever universal being was responsible for keeping him safe. But at the same time, I’d led Tanner on. Not just by the big fat obvious mistake of marrying him, but while he was on his quest to help me remember, occasionally I’d let him sit too close to me on the couch. I’d let him hold my hand.
It was my fault. Everything with Tanner had been my fault, and for the second time in several months I was going to hurt him all over again.
I had to go talk to him and I hoped he would somehow understand. I took a quick shower and threw on a pair of running shorts. I grabbed a soft cotton tank top from the drawer and pulled it on. I cried out when the fabric rubbed against my nipples, feeling much more like they’d been scraped with a cheese grater than covered in soft cotton.
Why the fuck would my nipples…
I sprinted over to the desk calendar and spent an embarrassing amount of time doing the math, but with my hands shaking and my head spinning, even the simplest of calculations didn’t compute.
I pushed the calculator away and pulled out a piece of paper. Maybe a word problem would help make it clearer.
Throwing up frequently
No period this month, or maybe even last month
Cheese grater nipples
Sex with King in the water by the boathouse
No protection of any kind
=
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
Doe
I found Tanner sitting on the roof of the houseboat. “You know, I’m beginning to think it was you who made the senator keep this rust bucket,” I said. “You’re always out here.”
Tanner turned around. There was an obvious sadness in his eyes, but there was something else too. Something I couldn’
t quite pin point. “Sammy wanted to come see you, but by the time he got here he was tired so Nadine offered to put him down for a nap. I figured you’d make your way out here sooner or later.” Tanner sighed. “This place is probably my favorite place in the world, you know. The three of us spent all of our time out here when we were kids.”
The only thing I could do for him was listen because over the past few months he’d done his share of listening to me.
“I want to apologize, about the party. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t right.” He set his hands on top of his head and blew out a breath. “I shouldn’t have gone along with the senator and his speech, especially when I knew your heart wasn’t in it.” He looked up to the sky and closed his eyes, as if he were gathering his thoughts. He turned back to where I stood on the dock. “I just wanted it to be true. I got carried away. I’m sorry, Ray.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I feel like we’re always apologizing to one another,” I said.
“Probably because we are.” He hopped down from the roof onto the dock. He stood in front of me with his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “I know why you’re here.”
“You do?”
“You’re leaving,” Tanner said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Yeah, I am,” I answered. “It’s never felt right for me here and the more I remember, the more I know the right decision is for me to go.”
“He’s alive. You’re going back to him,” Tanner said. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
“How did you know?” I asked.
“I saw him last night.”
I bit my lower lip. “Yes, I’m going back to him.”
Tanner shook his head and rested his forehead on his palm. “I guess this changes everything.”
“If I’ve learned anything over the last six months, it’s that family can mean so many different things. Just because we aren’t together, doesn’t mean we can’t be a family, Tanner. Family is what you make it, what you want it to be.”
“That’s not true, because I want it to be you,” he said, reaching out for my hand and lifting it in his as if he were studying it. As if he wanted to look anywhere but in my eyes.
“It can be me. I’ll still be in your life. Just not the way you’re thinking I should be,” I reminded him.
“Can I assume that he’s coming to pick you two up?” Tanner asked. “Unless you’ve magically learned how to drive recently.”
“You should have told me that earlier. I tried to drive my mother’s car and only got the engine turned on before I realized that’s about all I knew how to do.” I looked at him quizzically. “You’re taking this awfully well, Tanner.”
He pulled me in for a hug and rested his chin on the top of my head, pressing my face into his chest. “I love you, Ray,” he said. Tears welled in my eyes. Tanner had been a good friend and I really was going to miss him, but I was ready to stop missing King.
“Here,” I said. Pulling his ring off of my finger I pushed it into his hand and closed his fingers around it.
“Fuck,” Tanner said, his eyes glassy. “That kind of makes this all real then, huh? You really are leaving?”
“I guess it does,” I said.
Tanner opened his fingers and studied the ring before putting it in his pocket. “Can I ask you a favor? One last thing before you go?”
“Sure,” I said.
“A kiss.”
“Tanner, I can’t—” I started to argue.
“Just one more, Ray. One last good-bye. Something to give me some closure.” Tanner looked at me with the big chestnut brown eyes I’d remembered from my dream. I knew why they were the only thing that stayed with me. They were so expressive they were practically arguing Tanner’s case for him, pleading with me to cut the kid a break and just kiss him already.
“One quick kiss,” I agreed, just wanting to get it over with. I could see his heart was breaking and being a spectator in that sport was adding another layer of guilt on top of what I was already feeling. I had the chance to offer him some closure so I took it.
“I never thought we’d have a last kiss,” Tanner commented. He took a step forward and cupped my face in his hands.
“You’re very persistent. And very bossy.”
It’s only Tanner. He just wants to say good-bye.
“They don’t call me The Tyrant for nothing,” Tanner said, leaning in so close, I could feel his cool breath against my cheeks before his lips softly brushed over mine.
Don’t trust the tyrant. It was the very last thing Nikki had said to me when she’d come to my window.
And then it happened.
At first it was like lightning bolts going off in my brain. Sparks of light zapping on and off like a fluorescent office light struggling to turn on. Then, it was like my brain was a carnival where someone had located the power cord and plugged it back in, turning the entire carnival on, lights, music, merry-go-round, and all.
My memory.
All of it.
Tanner pulled away as a very clear memory came bounding into my brain.
Of a very different Tanner.
Sammy refused to close his eyes until I read him at least three bedtime stories. He looks up at me with those puffy eyes, rimmed in red, and rubs them with the back of his hand. He is fighting a losing battle with the need for sleep, although he is putting in an admirable effort. After three stories and two songs, my boy has drifted off clutching his favorite blanket, the one with the pattern made entirely of the shadows of different types of motorcycles.
“Sweet dreams,” I say, kissing him on the forehead.
After closing his door as softly as I possibly can, I run into Nadine in the hallway. She is carrying a basket of already folded laundry. “Ray, why don’t you go see Tanner tonight? I’ll keep the baby monitor in my room. You two kids haven’t had any time together in a while. Might do you some good to remember that you are actually kids.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. She is right. I could use some time just being a kid. Between raising Samuel and worrying over Nikki there’s little time for much else. And I miss Tanner. We hadn’t just hung out in a while.
“Of course,” Nadine says. “Besides, once that boy’s asleep I could have Mardi Gras out in the hallway and he wouldn’t so much as roll over.” That is true. He often goes to sleep and wakes up in the same position.
I thank Nadine and change my clothes, taking extra time to make myself look more like a high school girl, and less like a mom who’d spent the afternoon trying to figure out how Samuel got melted crayons in his hair.
Tanner and I have plans this Saturday. He just moved into the pool house of his parents’ house. He is going to make me dinner. He promised me all the plans have been made. We haven’t had sex since we conceived Samuel. We are too young, and our lives have become so complicated, that we’d agreed to wait. But I am finally ready and Saturday has been chosen as the day.
But on the walk to Tanner’s house, I change my mind.
Tonight is as good a night as any.
I call Tanner, but there is no answer. I send him a text, but he doesn’t respond. When I get closer to his house I notice the light is on in the pool house. I smile. Maybe he fell asleep studying. I am planning how I could crawl into his bed and snuggle up next to him when I hear a voice.
An angry voice.
“What the fuck did I tell you about going to her?” Tanner asks. I’ve never heard him raise his voice, and at first I don’t think it’s him. Creeping over to the side of the house, I crouch down by the corner of the window and peer up. Sure enough, the voice is Tanner’s. He is pacing back and forth in front of his bed, his fists clenched at his sides.
“You said not to,” says a female voice. I recognize that voice right away, even though it is a mere shell of what it used to be.
Nikki
Pushing up onto the tips of my toes I see her sitting on the corner of Tanner’s bed with her head in her hands. She looks even w
orse than she did when she came to see me the week before.
What is she doing at Tanners?
“If you need something, you come to me. But no, you went to her, and I had to hear all about how torn up she is because you turned into a fucking junkie and she can’t save you. You know how much I give a shit about you being a junkie? Zero. I give zero fucking shits. But what I do care about is Ray being upset and making me wait another three fucking years to get my fucking dick wet.”
“It’s not like you’ve been celibate, asshole,” Nikki says, looking up at him through a gap in her greasy bangs.
“No, I’ve had to settle for fucking your nasty ass!” Tanner shouts, rounding the bed to stand in front of her.
“What do you have for me?” Nikki asks, her hands visibly shaking.
Tanner raises his hand and with a whooshing sound in the air, his hand lands on Nikki’s cheek, forcing her to fall back on the bed. “Are you even fucking listening to me?” he seethes.
I have no idea who I am looking at. This isn’t the Tanner I know, and he is smacking around a Nikki who I don’t know either.
Who the hell are these people, and where are my friends?
Nikki groans but doesn’t say a word. “If you do anything to prevent me from being balls deep in Ray Saturday night I’m cutting you the fuck off. Do you hear me?” Tanner crawls up onto the bed and pushes Nikki down, straddling her shoulders. He pulls a small baggie out of his shirt pocket and waves it in the air. Nikki springs to life when she sees it like she was just given an adrenaline shot. She tries to grab it out of his hands, but Tanner pulls it out of reach. “After,” he says, putting the baggie back into his pocket.
Tanner leans forward and rests his hands on his headboard as Nikki undoes his belt. I don’t want to watch anymore. It’s like a horror movie. But I can’t peel my eyes away. But when Nikki pulls Tanner’s dick out of his pants and wraps her mouth around it, my stomach rolls. I turn to the side and heave into the grass. “What the fuck was that?” Tanner asks. Nikki pulls off of him, but he grabs the back of her head and starts thrusting into her throat. Her eyes water and she gags every time he pushes in. “Did I tell you to fucking stop?”
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