Brooklyn nodded. “Rand has already invited Hutch to the next NASCAR race closest to us, but he said Madison isn’t invited.” She chuckled softly.
“He’ll probably bring Pat. I know he’d like to come.”
We exchanged numbers before Rand popped in to say goodbye too, and told me I was always welcome at a race, and to come visit them down in North Carolina if I was ever in the area. I stayed at the studio until the sun went down, planning out my next move, figuring out colors and thoughts of what I might like to do next with the place.
It wasn’t until I was in bed that night that I remembered the pictures I had taken on my phone, so I uploaded them to my Instagram, and found that Hutch still had his account too, so I tagged him, figuring he would want to see them. The last picture he added was nearly four years ago from when we went to the carnival. I felt my heart stutter in my chest at the memory. I had teased him into creating his account and all the pictures were of us or things we did together that summer. A notification came up saying someone had liked my photos.
Hutch had liked the pictures I had posted, and now that I had made my account public again, he could see the pictures I had posted over the past four years. Not that there were a lot—just pictures of ballet, New York, and with Madison, my roommate. There were a few of me with Knox at the wedding, a couple with Jo at her bachelorette party, and one I took of the beach when I was walking the other morning. When my phone buzzed with a text a few seconds later, I knew it was from Hutch.
Hutch: Thanks for the pictures, Jills.
Hutch: I’m sorry. You know I’ll always care about you.
I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to engage him in a conversation. Instead, I turned off my phone and tried to go to sleep. But the truth was I loved Hutch, and I wondered if I would ever be able to get over him.
Chapter-Twenty Nine
Hutch
Two years later
I pulled the door open of the ballet studio as Hazel clung to my side. She had been begging me for weeks to sign her up for dance classes ever since she saw the girls leaving one day, dressed in their tutus, and I had promised her I would bring her down, but I secretly had been dreading it. I didn’t want to look at Jillian, never mind speak to her, and tell her the truth. That I had royally and completely fucked everything up.
“Hazel-basil, is that you!” Jillian exclaimed when she saw Hazel looking around the ballet studio with big round eyes.
“Jilly!” Hazel giggled happily when Jillian took her from my arms and tickled her little stomach. My daughter loved Jillian something fierce, and at every single family function, she sought her out, much to the horror of my wife.
Jillian hugged Hazel tightly before she finally looked at me. “Hello, Hutch, how are you?” This is usually how it went down between the two of us. Casual conversations at Pat and Jo’s house at Thanksgiving or a quick nod if we happened to see one another somewhere, but for the most part, she made sure to avoid me when she could. Like I had told her to. I hurt Jillian in many ways, but this made my life easier if I was being honest.
“I’ve come to sign my little nugget up for dance class.” I hated how lame I sounded.
Jillian nodded. “Sure, of course.” She placed Hazel on the floor only to have her run toward the barre and mirrors before she stopped when she remembered the playroom full of toys. She hurried inside to get lost in the dolls, Legos, and action figures that were kept inside.
“Hazel, sweetie, be careful,” I called out before I turned back to Jillian. Her dark hair was long enough for her to pull it back into a bun again, and she had put back on the weight she had lost while at school. In my eyes, Jillian was still the most beautiful woman in the world, and always would be.
She dragged her teeth across her bottom lip. “Are you okay?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Hutch, but I always assumed when this day came, it would be Madison bringing Hazel here.” She moved to flip the Closed sign over and locked the door.
“I’d rather not talk about it,” I grunted.
Jillian looked hurt, but I meant what I said. My personal life was none of her business, no matter how I felt about her. “Let’s go into my office.” She turned and I followed behind, grateful I could see into the playroom even from inside.
Jillian’s office reminded me so much of her childhood bedroom. It was painted a pastel pink, with posters of ballet on the walls, framed photos of her students, and a few of herself with her friends. I leaned against the doorframe as I watched Jillian take out the paperwork I needed to sign, and wished that I were anywhere else. “She left me,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Jillian stopped what she was doing. “What?” She blinked at me with confusion all over her face. She placed the paperwork on her desk and sat down. “Explain.” Jillian pointed to the empty chair in front of her. “Please, Hutch, I want to know what happened. Despite everything, you know that I still care about you. You’re my best friend, remember?” She tried to assure me, but I felt like such a failure.
“Madison told me she didn’t want to be married to me anymore because I was always so gloomy.” I hung my head in shame wondering if Jillian had heard the rumors flying around town. “She also didn’t want to be a mother or a wife, and didn’t want to live in Ocean View.”
“When?”
“A couple of weeks ago.”
Jillian stood up and rounded the desk so that she could wrap her arms around me where I stood, but didn’t say anything. I stiffened at first, but relaxed after a moment because it was what I wanted. For Jillian to touch me, hold me, and tell me she loved me. That she would make sure nothing bad would happen, and calm me down when I needed her to. She still smelled the same, felt the same, and I wanted to enjoy this moment, but I knew it was wrong to do so. When Jillian realized I wasn’t going to return her embrace, she stepped back to look up at me.
“Maybe now isn’t a good time to sign Hazel up for classes.” Her green eyes were full of concern. “Maybe you can come back in a couple of weeks. I can hold a spot for her,” she suggested.
I shook my head. “Hazel has been talking about this forever, Jills, and I want to give her whatever she wants. I’d give her the moon if she asked me,” I told her.
Jillian looked like she wanted to object, but instead handed me the paperwork, and I read it, signed it, and gave it back. “I can give you the money up front.” I yanked my wallet from my pocket.
“No.” Jillian held up a hand. “It’s my treat.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t need your damn charity,” I growled. “I can afford to pay for this.” I dropped my card on the desk.
“It’s not charity, Hutch, I want to give it as a gift. I love that little girl like she’s my own despite what a piece of shit her mother turned out to be.” Jillian practically threw my credit card back at me. “You can go now. Classes start next Monday at six o’clock.” She held out a piece of paper. “Here is a list of things Hazel will need. If you have any questions, you can stop by or text me anytime.”
I grabbed the paper from her. “Thanks,” I muttered, “for this, and for trying to comfort me before.”
Jillian looked up. “Despite everything, Hutch, I still care about you,” she said softly.
I didn’t say anything as I told Hazel it was time to leave. She said goodbye to Jillian, and then we went home where she cried when she realized that once again, Mommy wasn’t there to tuck her in or read her favorite bedtime story.
I clutched at the cell phone in my hand, wondering if it was too late to text Jillian. The one person I needed to comfort me. Would she ignore me after how I treated her earlier or would she respond? She told me that she still cared about me. Wasn’t that exactly what she meant?
Hutch: Can you talk?
Jillian: Of course.
I stared at my phone for what felt like forever. How was I supposed to tell Jillian what I was thinking? That I wasn’t good enough to raise my daughter. That I’d been thinki
ng about taking my life when she wasn’t around, but was afraid that Hazel would be the one to find me, and I couldn’t put her through something like that. I had given up on therapy because of Madison raging on me, and felt worse than ever.
Jillian: Hutch? Do you need me to come over? Just say the word, and I’ll be there.
Hutch: No, you don’t have to do that. I’m scared, Jilly.
Jillian: What do you mean? Don’t say things like that because now you’ve got me worried.
Hutch: I don’t want to do that. I’m just having a bad night. How do you not hate me for everything?
Jillian: I could never hate you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. *heart emoji*
Jillian: Are you sure you don’t want me to come over? It won’t take long. I won’t even pack a bag.
Hutch: Just knowing you’re here for me right now is the only thing that matters. Good night, Jilly.
Jillian: Goodnight, Hutch.
***
A week later, Hazel started ballet classes and seemed to enjoy them even though I had no idea if she had any talent at all. I just wanted to make my daughter happy. Jillian usually smiled at me when I dropped her off, and the same when I picked Hazel back up which was fine by me. Only I still felt like I was off, and that little by little, I was sinking into something I couldn’t dig myself out of.
One day before work, I stopped by the ballet studio and found Jillian dancing. She was all legs and twirls as she moved around the floor, catching me off guard. I was mesmerized as she jumped and leaped before she caught me staring at her.
“Hutch!” Jillian clutched her chest as she giggled. “Is everything alright? Hazel is—”
I nodded. “Hazel is fine,” I assured her, trying not to stare at the way her body looked in her leotard. Jillian still had an amazing figure. “I just...I needed someone to talk to, and, never mind.” I started to leave, but she touched my arm.
“I can come by at lunch. I have class now, but I have lunch at one. I can bring egg salad sandwiches.” Her eyes searched my face as she reached up to touch the scruff against my jawline. Her fingers felt like electricity against my skin.
I shrugged. “Alright.” I needed her right this minute, not hours from now.
“Hutch.” Jillian kept saying my name like that. Like she knew. “Are you still going to therapy?” She dropped her hand from my face as some of her students began to file in. “After you texted me last week, I was thinking about some of the things you said to me.”
My eyes hardened. I knew I never should have let her back in. “That’s not any of your business, Jills,” I grunted. “I shouldn’t have come to you. This was a bad idea.” I started out the front door.
“Don’t run away from me, please. I only want to help you,” she insisted as she followed me outside. I didn’t want to hear that shit from her.
I pushed Jillian against the wall of the studio so that I caged her in. “You think I’m crazy or something?” I clenched my teeth together. “Is that it? I don’t go to therapy anymore, so there’s your answer.” I took a step back. “Don’t bother to come for lunch. I changed my mind. I’ll find someone else to talk to me who doesn’t judge me.” I turned to head up to the shop.
“Hutch!” Jillian called out to me, but I ignored her. How could she expect me to trust her now after that?
Back at the shop, I told Quinn and Brad, the two guys I had hired when business picked up over and I couldn’t do it all myself anymore, that I was taking the day off before I went upstairs to my apartment, hoping it would help if maybe I just slept for a few hours. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, a bottle of Tylenol from the medicine cabinet for the headache that was throbbing behind my eyes, and dropped onto the bed. Hazel was staying with her grandparents for a few days, and that was hard too. Not having anyone to talk to, anyone to check on me, or anyone to just hold me, was starting to drag me down. I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the bed.
I was so tired of all of this.
I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
I didn’t want to be a burden either.
Maybe everything would be better if I just disappeared.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jillian
Despite Hutch telling me not to bother to come see him or how he acted when I asked him about his therapy, I still went to visit him for lunch. I was worried about his mental health. This wasn’t like when we first met; this seemed different if not worse, and I was afraid that he might be more depressed than he was letting on. As I pushed open the door on Zed’s, I didn’t see Hutch behind the desk, but the bell above the door announced my rival.
“Oh, hey, Jillian.” Quinn Sutherland nodded at me. “You here for service?” His cheeks reddened slightly as he realized what he had said. We had gone to high school together, but didn’t run in the same circle.
I flashed a brief smile. “No, I came by to see Hutch. Is he in the back?” I nodded toward his office.
Quinn shook his head. “He said he was taking the day off today.” He looked confused. “He’s probably just upstairs if you want to go up. I’m sure he’d love to see you though. He’s been really down lately, you know? Not his normal self.” That I already knew, but if his employees were picking up on it too, then he was more off than I thought. He held out a set of keys. “This is for his place. He left a spare in case he or Mads ever locked themselves out.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed it before I headed back outside and around the corner to hurry up the stairs. I didn’t even knock, didn’t care how pissed Hutch might be at me. Something about this entire situation was making my skin crawl.
I unlocked the door as fast as I could before I shoved it open to walk into a complete disaster. Hutch was normally the neatest person on the planet, but right now...there were dirty dishes in the sink, a garbage that desperately needed to be emptied, and pizza boxes stacked up on the table. As I made way into the living room, it wasn’t as bad, but not much better either. Dirty clothes, empty beer bottles, and a few empty plates were stacked on the floor and coffee table. Hutch was clearly spiraling out of control. Was it Madison leaving that had done this to him or was it something more?
“Hutch!” I called his name as I moved down the hallway. The bathroom on my right was empty with dirty clothes piled in the corner next to the washer and dryer, and the pink room decorated with ballerina everything, which I assumed was Hazel’s, was clean but also empty. “Hutch, it’s Jillian, where are you?” Icy fear crept up my spine as I came to the last room at the end of the hall. I knocked on the door. “Hutch, honey, are you in there?” I swallowed nervously. “I’m coming in,” I announced before I pulled the door open.
Hutch was face down on the bed, dressed in nothing but his boxers. “Jesus Christ.” I rushed to his side. “Hutch?” I tried to turn him over, but he was too big. I tried to feel for a pulse, and when I found a faint one, I let out a sob. “Baby, tell me what you took,” I begged as I let my eyes move around the room. Beer bottles were everywhere. I didn’t see anything that might have made him like this, but he was so out of it he couldn’t even make a complete sentence.
He only seemed to be muttering nonsense at me while his eyes rolled back. Hutch’s hand came out to grab at my arm when I yanked my phone from between my boobs where I kept it when I had my leotard on. I needed to call someone. He shook his head, but couldn’t make eye contact with me. I felt my stomach drop when I realized what he was trying to tell me.
“I’m sorry, Hutch,” I whispered as I dialed the number.
“Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”
“I’m at my friend’s house and he took something. He won’t wake up,” I sobbed.
I could hear her clicking away in the background. “And you don’t know what he took?” she asked.
“No! I just got here, and he’s in his bed. I can’t even turn him over. His eyes keep rolling around, and he’s muttering about gibberish I can’t understand.” I let out a low moan. “Can you send someone h
ere, please?” I gave her the address as she requested before I burst into tears and sobbed into my hands. No, I had to get myself together. I couldn’t be a mess like this. I had to be...fuck. I had to call Pat. Probably Madison too, because she would need to know what was going on. I could hear the sounds of the ambulance as they grew closer amidst my own meltdown.
I pressed my lips against Hutch’s cheek. “You’re going to be okay, Hutch, I promise.”
***
Hutch had swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. The thought made me so angry I wanted to punch a hole in the wall, but the doctor that was treating him told me that if I hadn't gotten there when did, Hutch mostly likely wouldn't have survived. Was I happy that I saved his life? Yes, but Hutch wasn't so happy. He was refusing to see me even though I had been sitting outside in the waiting room for two days. I even canceled my classes, just hoping he would talk to me.
"I'm sorry," Pat whispered as he sat down next to me. Jo had gone home to shower, but would be back soon.
I leaned my head against his shoulder. "I should probably just go home, right? I mean, he hates me and doesn't want me to visit him. I should just go back to living my life." I just wanted to see Hutch and tell him I loved him. That he wasn't alone. I didn't want to yell at him or give him shit for what he did.
"Once he's done here, he's going to get some therapy and rehabilitation at a place our parents found for him. It’s different than the so-called rehab he went to before. I hadn't realized he had stopped seeing Megan or taking his meds."
"Hutch was on medication?"
Pat grimaced. "You didn't hear that last part from me, Jill. I assumed Hutch had told you that because you two were so close. I think a lot of that had to do with Mads, you know? She gave him shit for it, which was totally unfair. She had no right to judge him like that.”
I clenched my fists as I saw red. Madison had yet to come visit her husband in the hospital. She hadn’t bothered to call to see if he was okay. I had an inkling that my blonde nemesis was doing more than visiting with her parents, and it was more like she was shacking up with someone new. “You don’t need me to tell you how I feel about her.”
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