Josie nods her head knowingly, which makes me believe she knows all about how Marek hauled Lilly and me back to North Carolina with him. My cheeks heat slightly that this woman knows my darkest shame: keeping Lilly secret from her father.
Releasing my hand, Josie takes a step back and leans against the counter. She throws her thumb over her shoulder. "Reed needed to talk to Marek, so I thought I'd pop in and say hello. Welcome you to North Carolina. See if you needed anything."
Her voice is a little hard when she mentions Reed needing to talk to Marek, but I don't ask for details. It's not any of my business. While this isn't my house, my manners compel me to ask her, "Would you like some coffee?"
"That would be awesome," she says with a bright smile, then immediately turns away from me and walks over to Lilly, who is still engrossed with Paw Patrol. Marshall has his firetruck ladder extended up a tree and is rescuing a cat.
Josie leans down and touches Lilly lightly on the shoulder. She jolts a little and turns to look at Josie, her expression guarded given the fact there's a stranger right in her face.
"Hi, Lilly," Josie says with a smile. "I'm Josie. I'm a new friend of your mommy's."
Interesting. She didn't say a friend of Marek's, although I know she must be. Reed and Marek are obviously close, which means Josie would definitely be a friend of Marek's as well. I'm going to be slightly impressed and believe that Josie isn't quite sure how much Lilly knows of what's going on and is keeping things vague and light where Marek's concerned.
Josie then launches into an admirable dialogue with my daughter about Paw Patrol. While they talk, I make two cups of coffee in the Keurig and get some cream from the fridge. By the time I've got everything set out, Josie's reaching for a cup.
"Do you have kids?" I ask her, assuming that's how she knows so much about the TV show.
She shakes her head with a laugh. "Not yet, but one day. I'm an ER doctor, and I've found that having a good base knowledge of what's popular out there really helps to put my younger patients at ease."
And just like that, I feel a hundred times more at ease with Josie knowing that we share medicine in common. I tap my chest and eagerly tell her, "I'm a nurse."
"I know," Josie says with a grin. "Reed told me. Neonatal, right?"
"That's right." I beam back at her before picking my cup up.
Josie stares at me a moment, and I feel like she's calculating something. She looks toward the formal living room, perhaps expecting Reed and Marek to come walking in any moment, and then back to me.
Stepping in closer, she lowers her voice and says somewhat urgently, "Listen...I don't know how long they'll be talking. Given that Reed's ripping Marek a new one right now, I expect it won't be long. But I want you to know you've got a friend here. I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you, getting yanked away from your home and thrown into what I'm betting is a hostile environment."
A flush of embarrassment courses through me and I murmur somewhat glumly, "Then you know the whole story. Marek stopping the wedding and--"
"Practically kidnapping you and Lilly, dragging you here, and then dumping you both while he goes off gallivanting to the beach? Yeah, I know it all." Her voice is icy with clear disapproval over Marek's methods. "That's why Reed is out there helping him to remove his head from his ass."
I give a slight shake of my head, the guilt overwhelming me. My eyes drop to the floor. "Marek has every reason to--"
"No," Josie says adamantly, her voice still low and somewhat hurried. "Whatever the issues that are going on between the two of you for past hurts, that gives him no excuse to abandon you and Lilly. He'll get that message by the time Reed is through with him."
I'm not quite sure the emotion I'm feeling. Perhaps gratitude, perhaps vindication, but my eyes get watery as I swallow hard. "Thank you for saying that, Josie. We both have a lot of anger and hurt going on. But when Marek came home last night, he seemed to indicate he wants to have a relationship with Lilly, and we're going to talk to her today."
Josie cuts a quick look at Lilly then back to me. "What does she know?"
The sigh I let out is unintended and long-suffering, but totally indicative of how troubling all of this is. "Not much. Just that her mommy isn't marrying Owen and that she got jerked away from everything she's ever known to live in a strange house with a strange man she has no clue what he means to her. I told Marek last night that we were leaving, that I couldn't let this continue on, as it was too confusing to her. That seemed to reach him. At least I think it did."
Josie nods in sympathy. She takes a sip of coffee and then asks, "I bet it was awful, Marek showing up like that. Giving you no choice in what to do. Reed told me how it all went down and he wasn't happy with it."
I stare down at my cup, refusing to look at her as I shamefully admit, "It was a mess. Marek threatening to take Lilly away, giving me no time to consider consequences. You can never imagine the emotional wreckage I left behind, calling the wedding off with Owen. Not being able to really explain things to his parents and my parents. A whole churchful of people I had to confront..."
My words trail off as I remember just how awful that day was. Owen was enraged, and he stormed out of the church once he realized he couldn't change my mind. I had to walk down that aisle by myself and stand up in front of five hundred people to tell them the wedding had been called off.
As for me, my emotions were all over the place. I wasn't sure if I'd been saved or not.
Josie doesn't comment, and when I get the courage to look back at her, her head is tilted as if she's pondering something. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
I shrug. Why not? She knows most of my baggage.
"Reed told me that Owen was really wealthy. I'm sure he would have helped you fight Marek to keep Lilly with you. So why cancel the wedding? Why give in to Marek and uproot your life like that?"
This time, I don't blush with embarrassment. Instead, I can feel my skin cool as if all the blood had drained from my face. It's the one question I don't want to answer for anyone, and I wasn't expecting it from her. "Um...well, I just figured...Marek had the right. I'd deprived him of his daughter for so long."
Josie shakes her head. "No, that's not it. I mean...I can see that bothers you. You don't strike me as a particularly spiteful person, and I can hear the regret in your voice, but there's something else."
There is something else, but that's my secret to bear alone. I shake my head at her and lift my chin. "No, there's not. You don't know how bad I feel about this, Josie. It's something that has plagued me every single day since I found out I was pregnant. It's a regret I've swallowed time and again. I wronged Marek in a way that's hard to forgive, and so I'm taking my lumps right now. I'm not going to let this hurt Lilly, so as long as Marek will make an effort with her, I'll give this a shot. I'll do my penance and take his crap. It's the least I can do."
Josie has no poker face whatsoever. I can tell she's weighing my words, wondering where the truth is. Finally, she gives me an accepting smile and touches my shoulder with her hand "Okay. I hear you. But you don't let him walk all over you. You hear me?"
The laugh that pops out is slightly hysterical, slightly amused. "Um...I'll try, but he's sort of a bully."
"Just keep your focus on Lilly," she advises. "And I'm leaving you my number and email. You reach out to me whenever you want. Just to talk or whatever. We'll go get coffee too, okay?"
"I'd like that," I tell her softly, overwhelmed by her kindness and what appears to be a new and unexpected friend.
The sound of the front door opening and two sets of heavy footsteps coming our way has both of us stepping apart from each other. Marek walks in followed by Reed.
His eyes go to Josie first, then to me. He gives me a tentative smile and says, "Hey, Gracen. Good to see you again."
"Hey," I say softly, leaning a hip against the counter.
"You ready to go, babe?" Reed asks Josie.
She seems to be startled. I'm
thinking that perhaps we'd all have continued coffee and chitchat. Instead, she sets her cup down hastily. "Yeah, sure."
Turning to me, she pulls me into a quick hug, and when she releases me, she has her phone out of her pocket. "Give me your number."
I rattle it off to her and she taps it into her contacts. Smiling up at me, Josie says, "I'll text you tomorrow. We'll make a coffee date."
"That would be awesome," I say as my eyes cut over her shoulder to Marek, who is standing there with his arms across his chest. His face is a stony mask of indifference.
Reed waves at me and doesn't say a word to Marek, which I find telling. Clearly those two aren't on the best of terms right now, and I'm dying to know what was said. Josie and Reed walk out without another word, and I keep my eyes on them until they are out of sight.
I pick up my cup, take another sip of coffee, and risk a glance at Marek. His eyes are on me and they are determined. He nods his head toward Lilly and says, "It's time."
My heart skips a beat. I knew this was coming, but I'm not prepared. Lilly's three and a half years old. Her grasp of complex situations is limited. I have no clue how to even begin this discussion with her, but the one thing I do know is that it's time to be honest.
I'll just have to trust in the fact that Lilly is a sweet, loving child who also happens to be pretty resilient. Which means she's probably going to handle it better than I am.
Chapter 3
Marek
Once I hear my front door close signifying that Reed and his meddling ways are out of my house, I turn my gaze to Gracen. I'm pissed Reed felt the need to come here and act like my dad or something, and my natural instinct is to turn that anger toward Gracen. Let's face it...she's an easy target. Maybe that makes me an asshole--whatever.
But annoyingly, the words Reed just laid on me out on my front porch ring hard in my ears.
"I hope you're not here to act as my conscience," I'd told him as we stepped out of the house and Josie walked right in to meet Gracen.
"It's exactly why I'm here," Reed said calmly. "You need let that anger go, brother."
"It's a little hard," I growl as I lean toward him slightly. "You know, given the fact she hid my kid from me for over three fucking years."
"Well, figure it out," he retorted, and spared me no further sympathy. "It's done. Figure a way to accept it, because Lilly's the one that's going to get hurt."
I jerked back from him as if he'd punched me. "I'd never hurt her."
"If you hurt her mom, you hurt her," Reed said in a quiet voice that made me feel about an inch tall.
I shook my head in denial. "I would never let her see how I feel about her mom."
"You already have," Reed said, and I hated him for a split second for being so right. "The way you've treated Gracen--bullying her, ignoring her. It speaks volumes, and kids are perceptive. And since we're talking about it, how do you feel about Gracen? Because that was a bold move bringing them both down here and installing them in your house."
My spine stiffens at the implication. "It was the only way I could see Lilly."
"Yeah, not true," Reed counters with a blase smirk. "You could have left them there and worked out visitation. You could have put them up in another house. In fact, that's probably the better idea, given how you can't seem to stand to be around Gracen."
Christ, I hated that he was right and also wrong. I wish he was just right, because him being wrong would mean that I'd have to admit that Gracen had never fully left my heart. The last four years she's been in my thoughts.
Not necessarily in a consuming way.
But it was often, and there were always regrets over how I'd broken her heart.
Maybe that's why I'm so pissed at her, because it alleviates my guilt for abandoning her.
And the one thing she keeps throwing back at me that makes my guilt intensify is that I did indeed tell her that I didn't want the responsibility. I wanted to go off to my new career as a professional hockey player and I wanted the freedom. I didn't want to worry about her. I didn't want to have the commitment. I didn't want love weighing me down. I was honest with her because I felt she deserved to know the truth. In addition to being my girlfriend of five years, my lover for almost as many, she was my very best friend. I could tell her anything, and always told her the truth. I had no fucking idea she'd take that so much to heart that she would possibly think I wouldn't be there for her through a pregnancy. It's like she didn't know me at all.
Fuck, this is a mess of epic proportions.
I got Reed off my back by assuring him that I'd talked to Gracen last night and that I was going to focus everything on Lilly and getting to know her. That seemed to mollify him somewhat, but I know he's still skeptical.
That's all right; I'm still a little pissed at him for butting into my business and for his opinions actually being right. So things were strained between us when he and Josie left.
Gracen takes a sip of her coffee, and I know it's to avoid looking at me. I hold my gaze on her, and when she finally gives me her eyes, I nod toward Lilly.
I don't miss the look of slight panic on Gracen's face, and for a moment, I think she might mean to balk because she doesn't think I'm good for Lilly. But then she gives me a smile--I'd call it brave, perhaps--and walks across the kitchen toward me.
When she comes toe to toe with me, she angles her body and leans in to whisper, "I have to admit, I have no clue what to say to her. I know how mad you are for the deception, and honestly, I'm terrified to get that from Lilly."
For one brief and glorious moment, I let the wall of anger down and I let myself have some compassion for Gracen. No matter how furious I am with her and how badly I think of her at times, I don't ever want Lilly to think badly of her mother. That just won't do, because as much as I want a relationship with my daughter, I don't ever want to take away or diminish the love she has for Gracen.
I talk without even thinking it through. "Tell her that I've been away and haven't been able to see her yet. Or something like that."
Gracen's eyes widen at my unexpectedly generous offer to pull all the blame off her shoulders, and part of me wants to take it back. But Gracen doesn't even give my offer any credence. She shakes her head almost violently and glares at me. "I won't lie to her. This is on me and I'll bear it. I'm just...I just want to say the right words to her."
"What are the right words, Gracie?" I ask softly, stunned that without thought I lapse into using my nickname for her. I was the only one who ever called her Gracie.
"I don't know," she murmurs. "She's just never asked about who her father is. She's always seemed to be cool with having a mommy and two grandparents that dote on her. I'm not even sure she understands the traditional notion of a family, having a mommy and a daddy."
"You're kidding," I say in astonishment.
Gracen shrugs. "I live with Mom and Dad. They watch her while I'm at work. She doesn't have a lot of exposure to other children. Just my sister, Beverly, and her two kids, when they come to town to visit. But Bev has been divorced since before Lilly was born, so she's not really seen a daddy figure in her cousins' lives either."
I guess I can see that. I mean, at her age, what does she really understand if she doesn't have experience with it? A thought strikes me. "Does she even know what a father is?"
Gracen nods. "I think so. I mean...she gets that her grandpa is my dad. But she's just never asked about it. And well...with Owen--"
"Fuck," I curse under my breath, and turn away from her. The surge of anger rises once again and I'm pissed at her...once again. She was going to let another man raise my daughter.
"I'm sorry," she murmurs.
"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it," I snap at her, struggling to keep my voice low when I really want to yell at her at the top of my lungs.
Gracen sighs, but then straightens her spine as she looks back to me. "I need you to wipe that scary-as-hell look off your face if you're going to sit down beside me while
we tell her this. I don't want her to be afraid of you."
And just like that, my anger dissipates as I realize just how important this is that Lilly has a good impression of me. Reed was so fucking right. I can't let my negative feelings for Gracen be evident around Lilly. It would be a fucking travesty to confuse the hell out of her in that way. I can't do that to her because things are going to be confusing enough.
Gracen seems to be satisfied by whatever expression she sees on my face now. I've got the anger under control, but now my stomach is churning with anxiety, so I'm betting she's getting that loud and clear from me. I can see the same on her face.
She turns away from me to pick up the remote control and she aims it at the TV to turn it off.
"Hey," Lilly whines as her glazed eyes focus on her mom. "I was watching Paw Patrol."
"You can watch it later." Gracen's voice is firm and no nonsense, yet soft and tender at the same time. It's impressive, actually, and must be a mom thing.
The one thing I've learned in what little I've been able to observe about the dynamics of their relationship is that Lilly is a really good kid. Sure she has a meltdown here and there, but she's so damn easy to redirect. Gracen is a pro at focusing her on something else other than her toddler tantrum in progress, and within minutes, she has Lilly giggling over something else.
"Okay, Mommy," Lilly says in agreement, her voice honey sweet, and even though I don't know this child at all, it speaks to my heart in some weird, primal way.
"Come in the living room, baby," Gracen says as she motions with her hand. "Marek and I want to talk to you."
Lilly jumps off the chair where she's been sitting, her enthusiasm for life in general evident in the way she moves. My feet feel like they're filled with lead as I follow her into the living room. Gracen sits down in an armchair by the window that overlooks the backyard. Lilly doesn't need an invitation as she climbs up onto her mom's lap. I sit down on the couch on the opposite side of the living area, using the large padded ottoman between us as a buffer of sorts. I don't want to appear intimidating to Lilly.
When Lilly settles into Gracen's lap, wiggling her little butt to do so, she shoots me a shy look. I try for a reassuring smile, but it feels weird on my face. Lilly immediately looks to her mom, so I'm afraid it may have come off Joker-ish.
Marek Page 2