by Mariah Carey
EPILOGUE
Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don’t let anyone
Tear them away
—“Hero”
In the middle of a violent storm, very young, I was given a glimpse of God’s vision for me. As a child, awakened to my dream, I believed with my entire being in what I was meant to do and who I was meant to be, long before anyone else did. And holding on to that belief required everything I had. Along the way I was given signs of hope, but mostly I faced chaos and calamity, heartbreaks and brutal betrayals to derail me. Some almost killed me, or worse, almost killed my spirit. The toughest truth was that the people I loved the most hurt me the worst. The ones closest to me were the ones who came closest to stripping me of my dreams. If I have learned anything in this life worth sharing, it is, protect your dreams. Even in the face of disadvantages and dysfunction, you can’t let anybody define, control, or take away your vision of your life—not your mother, brother, sister, father, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fake friend, boss, bully, bigot, manager, partner, assistant, critic, cousin, uncle, auntie, classmate, mogul, predator, influencer, president, false preacher, fake teacher, coworker, frenemy with a phone, coward with a camera, or chicken with a keyboard.
* * *
For I assure you: If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible to you.
—Matthew 17:20
In the end, and in the beginning, it’s all about faith for me. I can’t define it, but it has defined me.
“Mother” Emma Cutright
Nana Reese in front of her church with her pocket book
Nana Reese with her Bible
Alfred Roy at four years old
Addie looking glamorous
My mother’s mother
Pat in her opera days
Alfred Roy in the military
Little One
With Santa Claus for the first time
My cousin Vinny at age three
Me with the late bohemian Pat
With Cuddles the bear on a trip to Mount Washington with Father
Hodel with flowers from Alfred Roy
“Far from the Home I Love”
Posing for the guncles
Detangled and swept away
Chess with Alfred Roy
Early on you face …
“Lullaby of Birdland” with Clint at the piano
Wayward child
Little Mariah and Pat
Cee Cee, me, and Chris
Ninth grade
Beauty school! 500 hours
Looking In
With Josefin, making it happen in the city
“The Distance”
Me, Mike, and Shawn. Just for laughs.
With Shawn at Christmas in Aspen
Behind the scenes at a genuine diva moment with the incomparable Ms. Whitney Houston
The two dresses and Ms. Ross
With Morris, the icon
Theatre producer Kermit Bloomgarden with Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe and the piano
Me “with” Marilyn
With The Queen
Backstage “moment” at the World Music Awards in Monaco
Backstage in Taipei on the Butterfly tour
Me and Kris surviving Glitter
Living for my Lagerfeld dress with Rae Rae and Kris
Serving a dip with my dear friend Treymond
From my pinup board in Franco’s garden in Capri
At the Lanesborough hotel in London with Bailey the puppy
Alternative “Riah”
With Luis Miguel, the Latin Elvis
Bianca after dark
Opulence and decadence on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht
A puppy love moment …
President Obama making Roe laugh
With Nelson Mandela
Prince helped me on a soul level when I needed it the most, and through his music he continues to save the day, every day.
With my all-time favorite, Stevie Wonder
Liron and I having a laugh
Shawn and me with sunflowers for Alfred Roy on our last Father’s Day together
Roc and Roe in Italy learning to swim
Alfred Roy in the Porsche
My son, Rocky, in his grandfather’s, Alfred Roy, car
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book would not be possible without the loving guidance of God.
In loving memory of Lavinia Cole aka “Cousin Vinny.” Thank you for holding our family history and sharing it with me. Your participation in this book and in my life were invaluable.
Thank you to my tribe of angels: Alfred Roy, Addie Mae Cole, Nana Reese, Mother Emma Cutright, and The Bishop. I feel you with me every day … carrying me higher.
And for the people, the precious people, and there are many, who lift me up and hold me down, daily: I thank you for all you have done and undone to help me bring my life to life.
I am eternally grateful. (And please forgive me if I have left out your name. You are in my heart.)
My nephews/brothers/cousins/uncles/grandfathers Shawn and Mike, I treasure you endlessly.
The gorgeous and gifted Kristopher Buckle. The loving and caring Ms. Ellen Greene. G.G. “I said Good Night.” The solid and steady Al Mack and the “hate to be boring” Michael Richardson and the incredible Brian Garten and his ever tolerant family. Your collective support and protection have been vital to me, and I am eternally grateful.
Without the deep understanding and friendship of Karen G, Rhonda Cowan, Stephen Hill, and Lee Daniels (aka Cot), I would not have made it.
My cousins Cee Cee and Chris—our fun was like cooked food to me. Still love you like rice and beans.
To my four-legged family throughout the years who gave me unconditional love: Princess, Duke (got dem balls, ha!), the ever-present Jackson P. Mutley Gore III (I love you always), the Good Reverend Pow, Jill. E. Beans, Squeak. E. Beans, J.J. aka Jack Jr.Dat Boy, Mutley!!!!!! Jackie E. Lambchops, Pipity, Dolemite, QUEEN CHA CHA the good girl, the baby and the O.G. Clarence of Centerport SWYWT (Shit Where You Want To) my friend (heart).
And the wonderfully unique Tanaka, thank you for providing a beautiful and steady shoulder to lean on (IFLY).
Jay-Z, thank you for believing, thank you for leading, and Sir Jay Brown, Mr. Hank, and the entire Roc Nation team. Rob Light and the folks at CAA, Allen Grubman, Joe Brenner, the Stewarts, and my entire legal team, Burt Dexler, Lester Knispel, and Rosemary Mahtawossian at Boulevard Management. I so appreciate all of your work on my behalf.
My very special publisher and festive friend Andy Cohen, love you much! My editor, James Melia (dahling!), and all at Henry Holt. Thank you for your patience, diligence, and good nature through it all.
And to my writing partner Michaela angela Davis, sisterhood is a strong, precious, spiritual, and powerful place. It is where we have lived together to tell this story.
To Liron, thank you for being so brilliant, inspiring, and most of all a true friend and wonderful human being. Thank you for encouraging me to listen to my songs and more than anything for reigniting me with my music—that’s everything.
And finally, but firstly and always, to my family of fans, there really are no words, but I will try. Many don’t understand how real our relationship is, but for me, it is the realest I have ever known. You have literally given me life and saved my life time and time again. You can never know how I cherish every letter, poem, and book you’ve ever given me, every video, poster, and piece of merch you’ve made for me, and every single tattoo you’ve put on your body. Thank you for crying with me, thank you for crying for me. Thank you for cheering me on and cheering me up. This book is for YOU, my truth is for you, and I hope it inspires you to live in yours.
SONG CREDITS
“Alone in Love” written by Mariah Carey and Ben Margulies © 1990 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and We Belong Toge
ther Music & Been Jammin’ Music (BMI), administered by ABKCO Music, Inc.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“All in Your Mind” written by Mariah Carey and Ben Margulies © 1990 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and We Belong Together Music & Been Jammin’ Music (BMI), administered by ABKCO Music, Inc.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Outside” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Anytime You Need a Friend” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1993 Universal Tunes (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Wallyworld Music (ASCAP) and WC Music Corp. (ASCAP), all rights on behalf of Wallyworld Music administered by WC Music Corp.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“All I Want for Christmas Is You” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1994 Universal Tunes (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP) and Tamal Vista Music (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Sunflowers for Alfred Roy” written by Mariah Carey and Lionel Cole © 2002 Universal Tunes (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Songs Of Universal, Inc. (ASCAP) on behalf of Rye Songs
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Bye Bye” written by Mariah Carey, Tor Hermansen, Mikkel Eriksen, and Johnta Austin © 2008 Universal Tunes (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Sony/ATV Music Publishing (UK) Limited and EMI Music Publishing LTD, administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP)
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“White Rabbit” written by Grace Slick © 1994 Irving Music, Inc. (BMI) on behalf of Copperpenny Music
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Far from the Home I Love” written by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick © 1964 Trio Music Company (BMI), administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC, Mayerling Productions (BMI), a Division of Rodgers and Hammerstein, a Concord Company, Alley Music Corp. (BMI) & Bock IP LLC (BMI)
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“The Art of Letting Go” written by Mariah Carey and Rodney Jerkins © 2013 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Rodney Jerkins Productions Inc. (BMI), administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Petals” written by Mariah Carey, James Harris, Terry Lewis, and James Wright © 2000 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Looking In” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1995 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP) and Tamal Vista Music (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme)” written by Mariah Carey and Diane Warren © 1999 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & Realsongs (ASCAP)
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Close My Eyes” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Make It Happen” written by Mariah Carey, Robert Clivilles, and David Cole © 1994 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & WC Music Corp. (ASCAP) and David Cole Pub Designee (ASCAP), all rights on behalf of David Cole Pub Designee administered by WC Music Corp.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“I Am Free” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1995 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP), and Tamal Vista Music (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Hero” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1993 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization & WC Music Corp. (ASCAP) and Wallyworld Music (ASCAP), all rights on behalf of Wallyworld Music administered by WC Music Corp.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Always Be My Baby (Mr. Dupri Mix)” written by Mariah Carey, Manuel Seal, James Harris, Terry Lewis, and Jermaine Dupri ©1996 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Universal Music Corp., Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), all rights administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing and Songs of Kobalt Music Publishing, & EMI April Music Inc. (ASCAP), EMI Full Keel Music (ASCAP), and Air Control Music (ASCAP), all rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Side Effects” written by Mariah Carey, Scott Storch, Crystal Johnson, and Jay Jenkins © 2008 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Reservoir Media Music (ASCAP), Published By Reservoir Media Management, Inc. & EMI April Music Inc. (ASCAP), EMI Blackwood Music Inc. (BMI), CStyle Ink Music Publishing (ASCAP), Slide That Music (ASCAP), Young Jeezy Music Inc.(BMI), All rights on behalf of EMI April Music Inc., EMI Blackwood Music Inc., CStyle Ink Music Publishing, Slide That Music, and Young Jeezy Music Inc., administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Butterfly” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Everything Fades Away” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff © 1993 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization Wallyworld Music (ASCAP) and WC Music Corp. (ASCAP), all rights on behalf of Wallyworld Music administered by WC Music Corp.
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“The Roof” written by Mariah Carey, Mark Rooney, Kejuan Muchita, Albert Johnson, Samuel Barnes, and Jean Olivier © 1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Songs Of Universal, Inc. (BMI), on behalf of itself and Second Generation Rooney Tunes, Inc., Universal Music - MGB Songs (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Juvenile Hell, Universal Music—Careers (BMI), on behalf of itself and P. Noid Publishing,
Jelly’s James LLC (ASCAP) and Jumping Bean Songs (BMI), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Cloud 9 Holland Music Publishing, Next Era, Slam U Well (ASCAP), and Twelve and Under Music (BMI)
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“My All” written by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff ©1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (ASCAP), administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC & Kobalt Songs Music Publishing (ASCAP), administered by Kobalt Songs Music Publishing
All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Honey” written by Mariah Carey, Kamaal Fareed, Mohandas Dewese, Bobby Robinson, Stephen Hague, Malcolm McLaren, Larry Price, Ronald Larkins, Sean Combs, and Steven Jordan © 1997 Universal Tunes (ASCAP
), on behalf of itself and Beyondidolization, Universal Music - Z Tunes LLC (ASCAP) on behalf of itself and Jazz Merchant Music, EMI April Music Inc. (ASCAP), EMI Songs LTD (ASCAP), Justin Combs Publishing Company Inc. (ASCAP), and Charisma Music Publishing Co LTD (ASCAP), all rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Steven A. Jordan Music, Inc. (ASCAP), all rights on behalf of Steven A. Jordan Music, Inc. administered by WC Music Corp., Peermusic (UK) Ltd. (ASCAP), administered by Songs of Peer Ltd., Songs of Reach Music (BMI) & Bobby Robinson Sweet Soul Music (BMI)