“I said we are associates,” Pia agreed. “Because our marriage is rocky, and we want to get the feel of separation, in case we want to divorce.”
“Divorce! I haven’t heard that word since—since I left Mundania. It doesn’t happen in Xanth.”
“Oh? What do couples do when they don’t get along?”
“But they do get along. I think there’s magic. When I marry Justin, it will be for ever and ever until we fade out.”
“How can you be sure of that? I understand he’s somewhat older than you. Maybe his interests are different.”
“He’s about eighty three years older than me,” Breanna agreed. “He’s from another time, and he knows all about trees and everything else I never heard of. And he’s diffident to the point of aggravation. But I love him. That’s all that counts.”
“That’s not all that counts.” Then, realizing that this sounded argumentative, she added “In Mundania.”
“Maybe that’s the problem—in Mundania. If you lived in Xanth, you’d never break up.”
“Even when the love is gone?”
“It doesn’t go. It doesn’t matter how different you are, once you love, you stay that way. If you’re married.”
“I find this hard to believe. No offense.”
“Well, you’re Mundane. No offense.”
Pia laughed. Breanna’s attitude was refreshing. She wasn’t looking for a quarrel, but she simply didn’t take any guff from anyone. “I am Mundane,” she agreed. “And I don’t think Edsel and I are going to make it. We made a deal: we visit Xanth, and if that doesn’t change our minds, then we divorce. But I want to feel what it would be like to be single, so we won’t be acting married while we’re here. I want us just to be associates, and we can date others if we want.”
Breanna shook her head. “That’s weird. I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone but Justin. My only problem is I can’t make it with him already.”
“You can’t—?”
“Technically I’m under the Age of Consent, so I’m not supposed to know what’s in the Adult Conspiracy. But I came from Mundania, and I already knew that stuff before I came to Xanth. So I don’t think it should apply.”
“You’re sixteen,” Pia said. “That’s old enough.”
“That’s what I figure. But Justin is of the old school.”
Pia considered. “You love him—and he loves you?”
“He does. You can love at any age, or love someone any age. You just can’t do much about it, in Xanth, if you’re the wrong age.”
“I appreciate your frustration. But you know, I was fifteen when I got together with Edsel, and we did plenty about it then. But now—the wonder is gone. I think we went too fast, too young.”
“You mean you’re siding with the Conspiracy?”
“I wouldn’t go as far as to say that. But it does occur to me there might be some reason for it, in some cases.”
The girl pondered a moment. “When you were fifteen—if you had honored the Conspiracy—would you be happy with him now?”
“Good question. I suspect things would me much the same, assuming we were married.”
“So what would you have gained, honoring the Conspiracy?”
In was Pia’s turn to ponder. “Nothing,” she concluded. “And lost a lot of early fun.”
“So what do you figure I should do?”
“Take him.”
“I can’t. All he does is kiss.”
“Face to face?”
“What else?”
“To use archaic terms: you’re necking. You need to get into petting.”
“Petting?”
“Necking is above the neck. Petting is below.”
“I know that! But I can’t get into it, because—”
“I’ll bet the Adult Conspiracy offers a bit of leeway in the in-between age. Why don’t you try it and see?!’
“But what exactly—if he won’t—”
Pia realized that for all her professed knowledge, the girl had been stifled in Xanth, and lacked actual experience. She had the concept without the practical mechanics. “Don’t ask him, silly. Just do it.”
“Do it?”
“Get him alone. Maybe tonight. Take off your shirt. Hold his hand.”
“Hold his hand?”
“Like so.” Pia glanced around to make sure they were unobserved, then took Breanna’s hand and put it against Pia’s clothed breast.
“Oho!” Breanna smiled with wild surmise.
“I guarantee he won’t ignore you. See how far the Conspiracy will bend. I think you will at least make some progress.”
“For sure,” Breanna breathed raptly. Pia felt good too; it was nice being reminded of the joys of early discovery.
They came to the first of the planned tour exhibits: a tangle tree. From a distance the thing looked like a drooping live oak. But closer in, she saw that it actually had long hanging green tentacles.
“You don’t want to get close to such a tree,” Justin said.
“But there’s a nice little path leading right to it,” Pia said.
“Yes. But observe.” Justin picked up a small fallen branch and threw it at the tree.
The tentacles came to life. They caught the branch, wrapping around it and snapping it in two. Then they carried the pieces down to the trunk, where a huge wooden orifice opened. It chomped on a branch—then spat it out, evidently disgusted. The two children chortled together, loving its frustration.
“Trees don’t like to eat trees,” Justin said. “They regard it as cannibalism. I speak from experience.”
“You were a tangle tree?” Pia asked, horrified.
“No, merely an ordinary tree,” he said. “Sunlight and soil sufficed. Until I met Breanna. But the birds and the bees kept me informed of the appetites of other tree species.”
“I don’t think the birds and the bees informed you enough about flesh folk,” Breanna said.
Justin looked uneasy. “Perhaps in two years—”
“Yeah.” But the girl was plainly nettled. Pia could see that she had a legitimate complaint. Two years was an eternity to that age.
They resumed their walk along the path. “Next we shall pass a dragon’s lair,” Justin said. “Don’t step out of the enchanted section.”
“Why should we want to?” Edsel asked.
“The dragon’s smart. It will try to fool you.”
Edsel shrugged, figuring he was foolproof. That was part of what nettled Pia about him.
When they reached the lair, the dragon charged out, snorting fire and smoke. Pia stepped back, but Breanna caught her elbow. “Don’t cross the line, even on the far side. It will hurdle that path and came after you.”
“But the fire—”
“Can’t touch you on the path.”
Now she saw that there was no smoke crossing the path. It flattened out as if up against an invisible barrier, and wafted over the top well above head height. This was truly a protected section.
Meanwhile the two children were making faces at the dragon. Realizing that no one was going to step out of the safe section, the dragon snorted one last blast and retreated into its lair, as disgusted as the tangle tree had been.
“I am beginning to appreciate the enchanted path,” Pia said.
“Folk who know the dangers can go where they want,” Breanna said. “But visitors are restricted, for their own safety.”
The day was getting late. “Perhaps we should camp, and visit the centaurs tomorrow,” Justin suggested. “There is a suitable spot nearby.”
They went to it. It was a park-like section, marked by a colored line so that no one would accidentally step out of the safe area.
“This is beautiful,” Pia said. She hated to admit it, but this Land of Xanth was beginning to get to her. It was more interesting than Mundania, and it seemed quite real. Her body felt better than it had, as if she had taken a pill to invigorate her, rather than just a shot. She had had some doubt that she had actually
changed bodies with Chlorine, but was becoming reassured.
“Yes, we try to keep the facilities pristine,” Justin said. “We want all travelers to be both safe and satisfied.” He paused. “Will the two of you be sharing a nest?”
“Nest?” Pia asked, confused.
Justin gestured. There was a large, plush nest nestled in the triple fork of a spreading tree. “A roc bird helped. You may be sure it is secure.”
“But we are expected to sleep in a nest?” she asked, more amazed that dismayed.
Justin looked perplexed. “There is a problem?”
“Oh, that’s right, I remember now,” Breanna said. “They use beds in Mundania. I didn’t think of that. But it’s very comfortable, and there’s a canopy if you want privacy. Let me show you. Come on in.” She climbed up a vine ladder and disappeared into the nest.
Pia shrugged and followed. The ladder was flexible but firm. She was conscious of the two men standing below as she reached head height, but knew she had pretty good legs, so didn’t worry about it. When she got to the rim of the nest, she heaved herself over, lost her grip, and tumbled into the center of the nest.
“Fun, no?” Breanna asked. She was sitting on the far slope of the depression. “You can even bounce.” She demonstrated, and in a moment was bouncing high, as if on a trampoline. “‘Course you don’t want to do that when there’s a man watching; might show your panties.”
“What’s this business about panties?” Pia asked. “You told that demoness not to show them, and she listened.”
“They fry men’s eyeballs,” the girl explained. “They freak out and can’t do anything until the sight goes away.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Your tone makes it sound like ‘That’s a load of dragon manure.’”
Exactly. “Men don’t freak out at such sights.”
“Not in Mundania.”
“You mean they really do?”
Breanna smiled. “I shouldn’t, but I’m a rebellious teen, so I’ll show you. Watch this.”
The girl climbed up the curving side of the nest and stood on the wide rim. “Hey, boys, look at this!” she called. Then she turned, bent over, and hoisted her skirt, showing her black panties. She was mooning them!
There was no sound. Curious, Pia climbed the nest and peered over the rim.
Justin and Edsel were standing below, motionless, eyes bulging, jaws slack. They were, indeed, freaked out.
The two children were giggling. “That’s showing ’em, Blackwave girl!” Ted cried naughtily. “Black is the color of my true love’s—”
The girl jammed a hand over his mouth before he could say a naughty word. “Wait till we get older, and I’ll be able to do that,” Monica said, seeming slightly jealous.
“And I’ll be able to freak out,” Ted agreed.
Breanna did a forward roll into the nest. That took her panties out of sight. The two men returned to life. Justin stepped back, as if catching his balance. Edsel sat down on the ground. Both looked dazed. Their eyes did seem to be somewhat hot.
“You boys okay?” Pia called.
“I guess,” Edsel said. “What happened?”
“You freaked out.”
“Freaked out? I don’t remember anything.”
Both children chortled.
Then Justin caught on. “Someone must have exposed her under-clothing.”
“Not me,” Pia said innocently. “Go on about your business.” She turned back to the interior of the nest.
“For the canopy, just pull the cord,” Breanna said. She reached up, caught a dangling vine, and pulled. A neat canopy of living branches and leaves descended, making contact with the rim. This was now a shrouded round chamber. “Good when it rains, too.”
“I believe this nest will do,” Pia said. “Are there any sheets or blankets?”
“You harvest them fresh from a blanket bush. I’ll show you.” Breanna scrambled back up the slope toward the ladder.
“How is it that men are freaked out by panties, when it doesn’t happen in Mundania?” Pia asked as she followed.
“It’s part of the magic. There are lots of routine magical effects. You get used to them.”
“What happens if a man sees a woman naked?”
“Nothing special. Oh, he’s interested, for sure, but he doesn’t freak out. I mean, nymphs go naked all the time, and nobody thinks anything of it. It’s just certain items of clothing that make the difference.”
They climbed down the ladder and touched ground. “Is this logical?” Pia inquired.
“What’s logic got to do with sex or magic?”
That answered itself.
“I don’t believe you expressed a preference,” Justin said as they passed him. “Will the two of you be sharing a nest?”
What the bleep. “Might as well,” she said. Then realized that her bad word had been censored out, even in her thoughts. Because she was in the presence of someone below the correct age. Magic was everywhere.
They came to the blanket bush, where they harvested two nice blankets.
There was a swirl of smoke. It formed into a handsome male figure. “A greeting, lovely ladies,” he said, bowing gallantly.
“Oh, hi, Vore,” Breanna said. Then, to Pia: “This is D. Vore, Monica’s father. He must be here to pick up the children.”
“Indeed. Metria brought them, I will return them. We are obliged to be somewhat responsible, now that we are half souled.” He looked at Pia. “Have I made your acquaintance, luscious creature?”
“She’s Pia Mundane,” Breanna said. “I mean Putz. Does Nada know you’re flirting with visitors?”
“I’m not flirting,” Vore said quickly. “I’m eating.”
“Eating?” Pia asked.
“Devouring her with my eyes,” he explained.
That was a pun, Pia realized. D. Vore—devour. “The children are fine,” she said. “They’re around here somewhere.”
“They have a magic locket,” Breanna added.
“I will investigate.” He vanished.
“Those children really weren’t much trouble,” Pia said.
“We were lucky, this time. Things could’ve complicated in a hurry.”
They dumped the blankets in two nests. Meanwhile Vore had taken away the children, and Justin and Edsel had harvested four pies from a pie tree. They sat down on large toadstools by a glassy table.
“Don’t tell me, let me guess,” Pia said, observing the way the table shimmered. “It’s a water table.”
“Of course,” Breanna agreed. “And here’s some milk.” She set down several milkweed pods.
Sure enough: the pies were good, and the pods contained fresh milk. Breanna had chocolate milk. “I wouldn’t want my color to fade,” she explained.
That reminded Pia of something awkward. “I gather there isn’t racism in Xanth.”
“Not as such. But there’s prejudice. For example, nobody much wants to associate with zombies.”
“I should think not,” Pia agreed.
“But they should. Zombies are people too, and they serve Xanth well. If you’re ever in trouble, and you see a zombie, ask it for help. They’re kind hearted. Their hearts are rotten, of course, but soft.”
Pia wasn’t certain whether the girl was joking, so she played it low key. “Rotten but kind,” she agreed.
“Justin and I will be taking over Castle Zombie, when the Zombie Master retires,” Breanna said. “Justin’s going to be great.”
“Breanna is already great,” Justin said gallantly.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Breanna murmured.
He looked at her. “I don’t understand.”
“You will. We’re sharing a nest and a blanket tonight.”
“We are? I’m not sure that’s appropriate, considering your—”
“My age? Would you want me to huddle all by myself alone in the great wilderness of Xanth?”
“Of course not. But—”
“Good. So finish eating, and we’ll turn in.”
Justin looked nervous. “I suppose if we sleep on opposite sides of the nest.”
Pia kept her mouth shut. It was fun observing the interaction. Justin seemed like a very nice man, but Breanna was right: he had archaic notions.
They finished their meal as dusk closed. Then they went to their nests. “You know, poor Justin really likes that girl,” Edsel said as they settled down. “He told me that it’s all he can do to keep his hands off her. But she’s too young, so he stays clear.”
“Sixteen is old enough.”
“I know that. You know that. But he doesn’t know that. He thinks a girl’s not a woman until she’s eighteen.”
“It’s the Adult Conspiracy. But I don’t think it’s quite tight. I told her how to try to bend it.”
“Bend it?”
“As in the distinction between necking and petting. I’m betting that petting’s allowed at her age.”
“Maybe so. Speaking of which, how about—”
“Forget it. We’re estranged.”
“Not until we finish in Xanth and you don’t change your mind. Anyway, we’ve always fought, but gotten along great at night.”
He had a point. Still, she wasn’t sure. “Sorry. I don’t feel like it.”
He lay back, disappointed. Edsel had his faults, but he was a gentleman about sex. There was silence.
Then Justin’s amazed voice carried across the nests. “Breanna! What are you doing?”
“Just holding hands, dear.”
“Breanna!” He sounded shocked. “You—”
“Shut up and kiss me, handsome. Or shall I hold both your hands, like this?” After that the sounds muffled out.
Pia turned toward Edsel. “Now I feel like it.”
He moved over immediately. “Exactly what did you tell her?” he whispered.
“Just how to hold hands.”
“That’s all?”
“Like this.” She demonstrated with his hand.
“He’s done for,” he agreed appreciatively. “This is just like the old days.”
“For sure,” she agreed, imitating Breanna. “But remember: we’re still officially estranged.”
“Tomorrow,” he agreed.
3
MUNDANIA
Chlorine was nervous about this particular adventure, because it was the first one where Nimby—the Demon X(A/N)TH—would not have his immense power of magic. But he wanted to explore Mundania, and this was the only feasible way. Because each Demon was jealous of its territory and prerogatives, and had virtually absolute power within its domain. The intrusion of any other Demon would not be welcome. So Xanth was sneaking in to look around, and if D. E(A/R)TH caught on, there would be awful mischief. Chlorine had begged Nimby not to do it, but he had insisted, so now she would do her utmost to facilitate the visit and keep them both safe. Because she owed everything to Nimby, and his will was ultimately her will.
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