“So now it’s your turn to surprise her. She’ll appreciate it. Believe me, she will.”
“Surprise her?”
Pia considered, then changed the subject for a moment. “Okay. Let’s go tell the others.” She paused. “But don’t tell them this.”
“Don’t—?”
“This.” She put her arms around him, hauled his face down, and kissed him soundly on the mouth.
He stood halfway stunned. “I, ah—”
“And when you do that to her,” she continued, not yet breaking the embrace, “do this too.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
She caught his right hand and cupped it in her left hand. She carried it around behind her. “This.” She squeezed his hand, making his fingers gently pinch her left buttock.
He did not quite freak out, but it was a close call. She put his limp hand back by his side and stepped away from him. Then she led him back toward the entrance. They had work to do.
6
MODEMODE
In the morning Nimby and Chlorine struggled with new Mundane clothing, and helped each other look presentable. They went downstairs just as their Companions arrived to guide them through breakfast.
“Now we need to show you how to ride the Lemon,” Dug said. “But first, maybe we’d better tackle the Modemode.”
“The what?” Chlorine asked.
“The GigaGrid. It goes by various names and nicknames. It covers the world, but you need a modem to access it, so we call it the modem mode, or Mode M Mode, or Modemode. Three syllables. We met you there in the O-zone of the magic mesh address of the Mundane Mega Mesh, or mmm, of the Grid. I realize it’s confusing at first, but it does make sense in its fashion, once you get the hang of it.”
“Zone—mesh—grid—mode,” Chlorine said, working it out. “All steps of a stairway.”
“Yes,” Dug said. “Mdmd://mmm.mm.o-xone.breanna. That’s where we found you. Now we need to be sure you know the way back, because if you should ever be in trouble, that’s your escape route. You can reach it from any modem, not just this one. So you can travel anywhere in Mundania, and switch back when you have to; no need to do it from this site. But the mesh is fun in its own right, and you might as well enjoy it. So we figure to take you in for the check-in, then give you a small tour of the Modemode.”
They went in. Chlorine sat in Pia’s seat, and Nimby in Edsel’s, with Kim and Dug standing behind them for guidance. Chlorine followed the labyrinth, picking out the letters on the keyboard, invoking the modem spell, which was associated with something called a browser and a provider, then M D M D : // and on. She had to give Pia’s identity, and Pia’s password, “insulin,” before being granted admission. When she got to the magic mesh, there she was in the familiar hall, and there was Nimby with her.
Breanna wasn’t in her Leaf, but they left their check-in message. Probably she hadn’t made it in yet, because there were fewer mesh connections in Xanth, and Breanna might have forgotten about the Ear. But Nimby and Chlorine had done their part. The message would respond automatically when the others checked in; the magic of the O-Xone would see to that.
Kim made Chlorine go back to the screen and keyboard in the house, then to the magic mesh again, making sure she knew the route. Dug did the same with Nimby. Then they went exploring elsewhere in the mesh. “The browser enables you to go places,” Kim explained. “We use Exscrape and Mundania Inline.”
“Inline?”
“You have to wait in line often. Sometimes you can’t get in at all, but they still charge you plenty. Let’s go to a babble box.”
“A what?”
“It’s a place where people can meet and talk on the Grid. Friendships are made there, romances flourish, and fights occur. It’s a lot of fun.”
“In fact, many people are ensnared in it,” Dug added. “Typing their lives away. They can’t leave; babbling has become their lives.”
Chlorine wasn’t sure about Mundane fun or living, but went along. After all, anyone who put eye to gourd peephole in Xanth was similarly caught, until someone else broke the connection. Folk simply had to learn to be careful.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Dug said. “And you’re right: there’s even a Through the Gourd Home Leaf.”
Kim guided her to “lumber on” to a GigaGrid Alternating Babble, or GAB, where the gabbing occurred. They went to GABfest and merged.
She had to assume a persona, and decided on “Poison,” because of her magic talent of poisoning water. The interaction was in the form of words on the screen. Kim had to reach in and type for her, because she could not do it fast enough.
She “signed” the guestbook, and it started.
Poison? Someone called Fun Gus typed. LOL!
“That means Laughing Out Loud,” Kim said. “You’d better come back with some clever rejoinder.”
Well I do it only to water, Chlorine replied with Kim’s help.
You pee in water?
“Oh, he’s one of those,” Kim said with disgust. “Change the subject.”
Chlorine did. What’s your talent?
I make things fun, Gus replied. How old are you?
“Watch it,” Kim warned. “He’s a prowler.”
But Chlorine answered. Twenty two. That was Pia’s age. Why do you want to know?
How about a date?
“Don’t get too friendly with this predator,” Kim said.
I’m out of dates. Will you accept a pineapple?”
LMFAO!
“Never mind that that means,” Kim said. “Dump him.”
“No, I want to know.” She typed LMFAO?
A picture appeared. It showed one donkey mounting another, but the one below was laughing so hard that the other was falling off. “Oh, donkeys,” Chlorine said. She had liked them ever since Nimby first appeared to her in the form of a dragon with a donkey head. “But I still don’t understand what they’re doing.”
“Never mind!” Kim said urgently. “Break off this dialogue.”
A new name appeared: Moon Shine. Hi, Poison. I make women look better in the full moon. Is this creep bothering you?
Don’t butt in, fertilizer face! Gus typed angrily.
“‘Fertilizer’ isn’t exactly the word he typed,” Kim said. “The babble box automatically translates any objectionable terms.”
No, this is interesting, Chlorine replied.
How about going priv for modering? Gus inquired.
“Don’t do it!” Kim said.
“What does it mean?”
“Going private—that is, to some other chamber where others aren’t watching—for modem sex.”
“Modem what?”
“Where you talk dirty to each other. Having pretend sex. The Grid is clogged with dirty old men of all ages who want to get their verbal or written hands on young flesh. That’s what you are.”
Chlorine considered. “But it’s not real, is it? I mean it’s just talk.”
“Talk can lead to desire for the real thing. That can put marriages in peril. I don’t think Nimby would appreciate your doing that with someone else.”
“I suppose not. How do I end this?”
“I’ll do it.” Kim typed rapidly. No thanks. Go do it with your laughing donkey.
That’s telling him, Moon Shine said approvingly. You wouldn’t like him IRL.
“What’s that?”
“In real life,” Kim said. “Now let’s move on.”
Nice meeting you, Moon, Kim typed. Thanks for rescuing this newbie.
“Newbie?”
“New to the babble box. That’s why Gus was hitting on you. None of the regs will touch him.”
“Regs?”
“Regular folk of this region. But I don’t think we will need to come here again. You’ve seen how it works.”
“I like it. You’re right: it’s fun.”
They exited the Mesh and the Grid, and were back in the house. Dug and Nimby came from the other room. “That
was some dialogue you had!” Dug said. “I recognized Kim’s touch. She doesn’t like Mesh moochers.”
“True,” Kim said. “If they want it so bad, let them pay through the nose for phone sex.”
“Through the—”
“It’s expensive,” Kim said, frowning.
“Now it’s time for the Lemon,” Dug said. “Nimby, I mean Ed, you seem to catch on quite rapidly. Do you think you can handle a two wheeled machine after I demonstrate it?”
Nimby nodded.
They went to the garage where the machine lurked. It looked like half a car. Dug wheeled it out and bestrode it. “This is Edsel’s Lemon motorcycle. Here is how you start it,” he said. He pushed with his foot, and the motor came alive. “This is how it moves.” He started it moving, and it carried him down the drive and onto the road beyond. He looped around and returned to the house.
Then Dug had Nimby get behind him, and the two rode off, discussing the ways of the motorcycle. “Ed and Pia ride all over on that thing,” Kim said. “I don’t feel easy on one of those monsters, but maybe you’ll like it better.”
“It doesn’t look worse than riding a dragon,” Chlorine said.
After a time, the motorcycle returned. Sure enough, Nimby was now in front, and seemed to be handling it competently. “Your turn,” Kim murmured.
“Oh, I couldn’t make it work,” Chlorine said.
“Your turn to ride in back,” Kim clarified. “To make sure all is well.”
Dug got off, and Chlorine got on behind Nimby. The machine started moving. The ride was different from that of a dragon, but she found she could handle it. She put her arms around Nimby’s waist and enjoyed the ride.
They went out on the road, and gained speed. The wind took her hair. She was amazed at the velocity; this was faster than a dragon!
They slowed. She saw that it was because of a red light that hung above an intersection. Nimby had learned the rules of the road. “I like this,” she said as they resumed motion.
They returned to the house, where Dug and Kim waited. “We can handle it,” Chlorine called.
“There’s one other thing you should know about on the Mesh,” Kim said. “Xanth is there.”
“The O-Xone,” Chlorine agreed.
“No, this is an emulation Xanth, not magical. It consists of a group of people who assume Xanthly personae, much as the folk in the Babble Boxes have nicknames, only their names are limited to Xanth folk.”
“Oh?” Chlorine asked. “Do they have any real connection to their Xanth counterparts?” They had agreed not to refer to Xanth by name, but this did not seem feasible in practice, and maybe it didn’t matter.
“They like to think so, but I don’t think there’s any solid evidence that they do. Come on; I’ll take you there, and you can meet yourself.”
“But there’s only one of me,” Chlorine said, not quite pleased.
Kim smiled. “You were not in Mundania to pre-empt the name, so she got it. But be assured that she means you no harm. I just don’t think you should challenge her about the name, because you are here anonymously. You’ll have to assume some other Xanth name, to enter the Xanth Xone.”
“This is ridiculous.”
Dug stepped in. “Think of it this way: Xanth natives have the infinite privilege of actually living in Xanth. Mundanes are stuck forever in drear Mundania. This is one of the few ways they can relate, to get at least the trace of a notion what it might be like to be among the blessed. Can you begrudge them that faint fond illusion?”
Chlorine glanced at Kim. “He has a certain talent for persuasion.”
“I had suspected that,” Kim said with five eighths of a smile. “I think that’s why I married him.”
“Well, you started it,” Dug told her. “When you kissed me.”
“Oh, you always bring that up!” she flared, with eleven sixteenths of a smile.
“Yeah. I bet you don’t dare do it again.”
“You lose.” Kim kissed Dug hard and long.
They finally broke. “I don’t think I lost,” he said, with the remaining five sixteenths of the smile.
“That’s your opinion.” Kim’s expression of mock severity made her look almost cute.
Dug turned to Chlorine. “So you had better be persuaded, or she might kiss you.”
Chlorine’s conviction that she liked these Mundanes was growing. The fact was, Dug was a handsome man, while Kim was an ordinary woman, in appearance, but they both had personality. Chlorine remembered her early life as a distinctly plain and less than ordinary girl, before Nimby had enhanced her into beauty, character, and intelligence. She related to Kim, who clearly had made something of herself. “I’m persuaded. Let’s go meet me.”
“Pick a name,” Kim said.
Chlorine pondered. Who would be obscure enough to be free? She remembered another poisoner, a disreputable female vaguely related to the mermaids, but ugly and gross. No one would choose to be her. “Ella,” she said. “Salmon Ella.”
Dug laughed. “Salmonella! That will surely do. She must be a real pain in the—”
“Stomach,” Kim said quickly with mock primness.
“Close enough,” he agreed, patting her on the bottom.
They went back inline, this time just Chlorine, with the three others watching her screen, and Kim giving verbal instructions. They made their way to the Grid and the Mesh, and to the Xanth Xone. There Chlorine registered as S. Ella, and looked up Chlorine. She was not there at the moment, but at least she had learned how to locate her. “You can try another time,” Kim said. “The Mesh is quite flexible. Or you can leave a message for her.”
Chlorine realized belatedly that she had no idea what to say to the Xone Chlorine, so it was just as well that she hadn’t made direct contact. “I’ll try again,” she said. She would have to think of something suitable to explain her interest in this character.
“But there are plenty others to chat with,” Dug said as they exited. “We can go to a GOO.”
“A what?”
He laughed. “That stands for Grid Operating Oubliette. GOO for short. It’s an off-Mesh inline game where players from all over the world interact. They make up their own characters and participate in an established setting, where they make friends or alliances or enemies. They gossip about each other, or even fall in love and get married, in the game. Sometimes they have fights to the death. They stay at inns, eat good or bad meals, fight monsters—it’s actually a real world for these folk, maybe as real as Mundania, and better for them. Some addicts live almost entirely in their GOOs, playing day and night without sleep. But a good GOO polices itself, so there are no vulgar laughing donkeys to harass you.”
“Is that a pun?” Chlorine asked.
“Of course it is,” Kim said. “Har-ASS, as in donkey.”
“It sounded more like ‘her ass.’ ”
“That, too,” Kim agreed. “Men think it’s funny to slip in references to female donkeys.”
“My point being that there are no female donkeys getting GOOed,” Dug said.
“That sounds nice.” Chlorine agreed, deciding not to explore the matter of gooed lady asses. “How do we get there?”
“I’ll take you.” Dug took over the keyboard. “I’ll use Fishnet on my Trix account. First I have to lumber on by giving my operator name: DM5555. Then my password: 5☆4☯3∇2‡1∞. Then when I get to the prompt line, I type the address: fishnet2.aa.whatname.oo.7734. That brings me to the computer where the GOO is, in this case Origin.”
The screen blinked, and then a scene came on, with a forest, field, and castle. “And here we are,” he said. “In this realm, I’m a dwarf ogre, smarter than the average ogre but not as strong. It’s amazing how some women go for ogres.”
“Just remember,” Kim said warningly, “You don’t know what my mergirl character is doing with men who like wet bare bosoms, while you’re making time with feebleminded nymphs.”
“Anyway,” Dug continued, “this could seem famil
iar, because some players overlap Xanth. I mean, an ogre or mermaid can be anywhere in fantasy. Maybe some are refugees from Xanth, for all we know.”
“I’ll remember,” Chlorine agreed.
“Now there are still other realms that might relate. The Grid is a pretty extensive realm.”
“No, I think this is enough for now,” Chlorine decided. “Let’s focus on what Nimby wants.”
Nimby wanted to explore more of the physical Mundania. So the rest of the day was spent in setting up for their “vacation” travel. They learned about the uses and denominations of money and little cards called “credit.” They learned about maps, and motels, and places to eat. Tomorrow they would really start exploring Mundania.
At one point Chlorine remembered something. “Didn’t you have a dog, Kim, who accompanied you to Xanth when you were on the Roc jury?”
“Yes. Bubbles. I found her floating in a bubble in Xanth the first time I was there, in the Companions game, and adopted her. But she was old, and continued to age in Mundania, and I knew she would die. So I did what I had to do, and made an arrangement for her to return to Xanth, to be with Anathe Ma.”
“Anathema? Did I mishear?”
Kim laughed. “You fell for one of the Xanthly puns. Her name is Anathe, and she is a very nice, motherly person, though horrendously ugly. She liked Bubbles, and Bubbles liked her, so it just seemed better. Bubbles is much less likely to die in Xanth, because of the magic, as long as she has the sense to stay clear of dragons. I cried for three days, but of course I was away at college much of the time then, so it was better for the dog. I’m sure she’s happy now.” But for the moment Kim looked ready to cry again.
“Maybe some day, if the business gets established well enough, there’ll be company again in the house,” Dug said.
“Maybe,” Kim agreed, but she did not seem to be much cheered.
Chlorine was baffled. What did this mean, and why the sadness?
Nimby touched her hand, and then she understood. They wanted to have a child, but somehow their signals to the stork had been ignored, and there was a growing fear that something was wrong in that respect. Ironically, there was no question about Pia’s fertility, but Pia did not want children. So Dug and Kim pretended that it was simply their business with the software business that held them back.
Xone of Contention Page 14