From Ashes

by Molly McAdams

Page 18

  Author: Molly McAdams

  “Damn it, Cassi,” he growled against my mouth when he realized I wasn’t kissing him back. He pulled away slightly and searched my eyes, pain filling his. “What do I have to do? I’ve loved you since we were kids. What do I have to do to make you love me too?”

  “I do love you, Tyler. ”

  He shook his head. “Not like that, Cassi, I want you, all of you. I want you to be mine, I want to take care of you in every way possible for the rest of our lives. Can’t you see that?”

  I just continued to stare into his brown eyes, unblinking.

  When I didn’t say anything, he let his head drop into the crook of my neck and sighed. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep waiting for you to see me the way I see you. I kept—I kept hoping one day you would get it. But I see that’s not going to happen. I’m sorry, Cass, but I can’t do this anymore. ”

  “Wh-what do you mean?”

  “This, Cass, all of it. Living here with you, only being your friend. I can’t keep doing this. I want all of you, or nothing at all. ”

  “What?!”

  “You ne—”

  “I thought you were my friend!”

  “I am, damn it, Cassi, haven’t I always been that? But I’m tired of just being your friend! I can’t keep doing this with you. ”

  “Tyler—” My chest was heaving up and down quickly. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. “How can you do this to me? I can’t lose you, you’re all I have!”

  “Then don’t fucking lose me!”

  “That’s not fair, I’ve never thought of you like that, Ty, and Gage—” Tyler’s eyes narrowed and darkened at the mention of his cousin. “You know what he meant to me!”

  “Why can’t I be that for you? At least I won’t make you destroy yourself like he has from the heartbreak he’s caused you! So decide, Cass, right now. You’re with me, or you leave. ”

  My jaw dropped and I couldn’t stop the tears that escaped my eyes. Why was he doing this? How could he do this after all these years? “You’re breaking my heart right now!”

  “And you think you haven’t broken mine? How do you think it felt that after years of being there for you, taking care of you and loving you—you took one look at Gage and you’re ready to give your heart to him. ”

  Words escaped me for a few seconds and my head quickly shook back and forth as I floundered for the right thing to say. I couldn’t lose Tyler. He was my rock, and with Gage gone, he was back to being all I had left.

  “Let me love you, Cassi. ” His voice went soft and low. “Let me be who you need. ”

  “Ty—” I cried, and shook my head once more, and instantly his features hardened as he started to push himself off me and the bed. Oh God, no. I realized right then I’d do anything—just as long as he wouldn’t leave me too. I grabbed his face and held it just inches from mine. He’d been the only reason I’d stayed in that house all my life, and he’d been the only reason I’d survived it as well. I did love him, more than I could ever explain to anyone. I owed him my life. But he was right, it wasn’t in the way he was describing his feelings for me. Could I love him in that way too? No one got me like Tyler did. Our relationship, however weird it may have been, was the result of leaning on and loving each other for most of our lives. He knew exactly what I needed and always made sure I was taken care of before himself, just as I did the same for him. I took a shuddering breath in and let my gaze fall from his eyes over his face and to his wide shoulders. There was no doubting he was attractive, I’d always thought that, but now that I was trying to look at him differently, I realized he wasn’t just attractive. He was sexy. His entire body screamed raw masculine beauty and I felt my heart kick up as I studied the parts of him I could see. His piercing eyes were so dark right now that they were almost black. They were hidden behind thick blond lashes that matched his shortish, unkempt dirty-blond hair, which I’d always secretly loved. His strong nose led down to his mouth, which was full but not too full. More like it had a constant perfect pout unless he was giving one of his heart-stopping smiles.

  My heart and mind instantly wished for green eyes, black hair, and deep dimples, but I pushed it away. Gage didn’t want me. I glanced down to his hard jaw and my eyes kept going to his neck and the tops of his shoulders. He’d been a swimmer throughout school and his best stroke was the butterfly; because of that he had shoulders that were broad and covered in muscles, and I started to wish he had his shirt off so I could finally study the rest of his muscles too. Could I do this? Could I be selfish enough to try to make myself fall in love with him in that way just so I wouldn’t lose him? It wasn’t fair to him, and I would probably be a horrible person for it, but yes, I could. And I would. I couldn’t lose Tyler, and if that meant trying to give him my heart when it would always be lost to his cousin, then that’s what I would do.

  I looked back into his eyes and continued to convince myself that I could do this as I slowly brought his face down to mine, leaning up slightly to meet him halfway. Our eyes were still locked on each other as I pressed my lips softly to his once, then twice. Tyler searched my face for a moment before bringing our mouths back together, soft yet firm, and moved his lips against mine. It felt wrong, so wrong. This wasn’t like kissing Gage; I didn’t feel like the world fell away when Tyler kissed me, and I started to feel sick knowing I would never have this with Gage again. Squeezing my eyes tight, I took myself back to the hill next to the creek on the ranch, to the best night of my life. I thought about Gage’s hot breath on my neck as he made a trail of light bites and kisses from the hollow at the base of my neck, up my throat, and back to my mouth. I thought about the weight of his body on mine as we tried to pull each other closer together. I thought about the overwhelming sense of joy and belonging I felt in his arms. I thought about all these things, and tried to throw them into my kiss with Tyler.

  When Tyler’s tongue slid across my bottom lip, I parted my lips slightly, this time meeting his exploration of my mouth with one of my own. He moaned and pressed my body deeper into the mattress while his mouth trailed down my neck and across my shoulder as he slid the strap of my tank top down. My breath caught when he went back and nipped my neck before lightly sucking at the sensitive spot behind my ear.

  “You can do better than this, Cassi. I need to know that you want me as much as I want you,” he whispered against my skin.

  I grabbed fistfuls of his hair and forced his head back up to mine. I wanted to yell at him, tell him he wasn’t being fair considering I was still completely not over his cousin. Instead, I crushed my mouth to his and sucked on his bottom lip before capturing it in my teeth. Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I ripped it over his head and ran my fingers over his muscled body, causing him to shiver and his hard-on to become disgustingly apparent. I wanted to throw up. Trying to picture him as Gage wasn’t helping at all; if anything it was making it worse. There was no way to fool my mind into thinking this was the man who would always hold my heart. Every touch and every kiss was completely different, and lacking everything that was just . . . us.

  Tyler’s hand was running up my bare stomach toward my chest, and just as I was about to stop him, and hope he wouldn’t be hurt by that, his cell rang. I tried to suppress my sigh of relief when he rolled off me and grabbed his phone to answer. When he hung up he walked back to the bed and hovered over me on his hands and knees, placing two soft kisses on my cheek.

  “Ty—” I had to clear my throat before continuing. “You’re going to need to be patient with me. Other than kissing Gage at the ranch”—Tyler’s eyes narrowed again—“I’ve never done anything. I don’t want to do anything yet, I just . . . I just need time if that’s okay. ”

  “That’s more than okay, Cassi, take as long as you need. ”

  “And I think I should move into the other bedroom. ”

  “What?” He backed up farther, his eyebrows shooting up. “Cassi, wh
y?”

  “Because it will be awkward to sleep together now. ”

  “Cass,” he said, rolling onto his side and propping his head up on his hand, “you’ve slept in my bed for years; that shouldn’t change now. ”

  I thought about all the times when Ty would wrap his arms tighter around me, making his hard-on more apparent, and we weren’t even in any kind of relationship when that happened. If we were, I could only imagine how much more often that would happen and I already felt disgusted just thinking about it. I really didn’t want anything related to that with Tyler . . . not after I’d spent a year fantasizing about Gage’s naked body against mine. “I’m sorry, Ty, but if we’re going to try to be in a relationship, I can’t start one in bed with you. ”

  Tyler exhaled slowly. “Okay, if that’s what you need, Cass. ” He leaned down to press featherlight kisses to my jaw. “So we’re going to do this? You’re gonna be my girl?”

  “Yeah, Ty,” I said softly, “I will. ”

  He grinned wider than I’d ever seen and kissed me softly. “Thank you. I love you. ”

  “I love you too. It might not be the way you want yet, but I’ll get there. I just . . . as long as I’ve known you, I’ve only thought of you as a friend. I never considered anything else with you until about five minutes ago, so I’m sorry if this takes longer than you’d like. ”

  “Don’t be sorry, I know it’ll take time. ” His nose skimmed across my collarbone, and my eyelids actually fluttered shut. “I’ve wanted this for so long, I’m just happy you’re finally giving us a chance. ” He hopped off the bed and pulled his shirt back on. “Come on, let’s go. ”

  “Go where?”

  “Well, if you’re leaving my bed, I’m not about to let you sleep on a bare mattress in a bare room. Let’s go get whatever you want. ”