by Juanita Kees
Fen offered nothing to that. Diane had always come across as unstable, but back then they’d been teenagers going through the hell puberty created. No-one had blinked an eye at her temper tantrums and constant mood swings.
‘Diane never wanted children. About eight years ago, that changed. She became obsessed with having a baby. We talked it over with her doctor, thinking it might help her. We tried everything, but she couldn’t fall pregnant. Eventually, after three rounds of IVF, we had Liam.’
He paused to sip his coffee, not releasing her hand. Despite the pins and needles from the tight grip, Fen couldn’t bring herself to break the contact. ‘He’s an adorable kid.’
Kieran smiled, a small movement that tugged at his lips before his mouth pulled tight again. ‘Yes, he is. Diane didn’t cope well with the pregnancy or the birth. She sunk further into the black hole, ignoring Liam when he cried, refusing to feed him. She became completely unreachable. Even gave up the painting she loved so much.’ He released her hand and wrapped his around the cup. ‘I had to take over to keep my child alive.’
‘Oh, Kieran.’ It would have been so much easier to simply think of Diane as selfish, but to know that it went far deeper and more serious than that made her heart ache for all of them. It hurt more that she understood how Liam might feel abandoned by his mum because damn it, her real mother had abandoned her just like Diane had abandoned her son. If it wasn’t for people like Liv, she might not be alive to share his pain. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Restless, he put down the cup and stood, pacing the floor until he came to stand at the window that overlooked the vines and the hills beyond. He flattened his palms against the painted sill. ‘Twelve months ago, I made the call. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I’d done everything I could to help her. She was on a downhill slide, becoming increasingly abusive and uncontrollable, and I had to think of Liam’s future.’
The pain and regret in his voice, the way his shoulders dragged and that haunted look she’d seen in his eyes hurt her as much as it did him. Even after all their time apart, Fen could still tune in to Kieran’s emotions, forever bound by the bond they’d formed so long ago when all they’d had was each other.
All she wanted to do was go to him and hold him until the tension eased from his spine and the ache that consumed him disappeared. Instead, she sat and listened, frozen in her seat, taking the brunt of his pain.
‘I applied for intervention from the Mental Health Review Tribunal to have her involuntarily committed for treatment. They took her in for assessment. Somehow, despite having her records to refer to, they let her go. She convinced them she was fine. That it was all some ridiculous plot to create grounds for a divorce. That I was having an affair and wanted to get rid of her.’ He turned away from the window to face her. ‘Jesus, Fen, even if I wanted to, I didn’t have time for an affair. I never cheated on Diane. No matter how bad things were between us, I stuck by her side.’
Fen shifted in her seat, dread settling in the pit of her stomach. ‘Kieran, you don’t have to do this right now.’ She hated the pain etched into his face, the way his thoughts had his knuckles white as he gripped the windowsill behind him.
‘I need you to know, Fen.’ He ran a hand through his hair, hooked his fingers through the belt loops on his jeans and leaned back against the window sill. ‘She left the hospital in a taxi, went around to her mum’s while I was at work. She took Liam and their car. They tried to stop her, but she was running on adrenaline and crazy. She drove to the Davidson Park boat ramp, sped off it and crashed the car into Middle Harbour Creek.’
‘Jesus, Kieran. With Liam in the car?’ Fen pushed up out of her chair, shock making her legs unsteady.
He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘Yep. Luckily there were witnesses. Two men jumped in to save them. Diane was killed on impact. No seatbelt. They managed to free Liam in time.’
Cold crept into Fen’s bones as she moved to where Kieran stood. ‘It’s not your fault. You didn’t make her do it.’ She placed her hand on his crossed arms and squeezed.
‘It is my fault, Fen. I gave up on her.’
‘She was sick.’
‘And I took that marriage vow and broke it. My son has been terrified of water ever since. I can get him to take a shower, but I can’t put him anywhere near a bath let alone a pool. I was hoping we’d made progress when he asked to see the fish.’
He dropped his arms to his sides and Fen sneaked past the barrier to wrap her arms around him and lean her head against his chest like she had many times when they’d first arrived in town, strangers in a strange new world, finding comfort in each other.
‘You couldn’t have guessed what she’d do.’
He remained stiff in her hold. ‘I should have stayed at the hospital for the assessment instead of going home and leaving her there.’
‘You did what you had to do. You had a child to take care of.’
‘I failed to do that too.’
Fen pulled back and shoved at his chest. ‘Stop it. It’s not necessary to blame yourself. I believe you did everything you could to stop her. It’s not in you to be any other way. Diane made the choice to take her life, and in doing so put her son, your son, in danger. Liam is alive, and he needs you. That’s where you need your focus.’
She turned away from him, anger building inside her. How had Kieran ended up so responsible and broken by Diane’s actions? How had Diane not recognised her own need for help, especially with the support of a man like him by her side, fighting her battles? She tried hard not to resent the woman who’d taken him from her, tried to feel sorry for Diane. But empathy was buried too far beneath the horror of what Kieran and Liam’s lives had become.
‘Drink your coffee. It’s getting cold.’
‘You’re angry.’ The resignation in his tone suggested it was an emotion he was used to, a position he was familiar with.
‘Yes, but not with you.’ Damn it, yes. She was angry, for him, and especially angry for Liam, an innocent in the game Diane had played. ‘Where were her parents in all this?’ Until she understood everything, she couldn’t forgive Diane for using Kieran the way she had.
‘They had no idea how to deal with it. The only person she wanted was me. She was my wife and my responsibility.’
‘She was their child. They had an equal obligation.’ She couldn’t forgive the Vincents for their role in leaving the sole care of their mentally unstable daughter to him. Would have trouble with forgiving them for breaking the man she’d worked so hard to fix when he’d been broken before.
‘Ha!’ The sound emerged hard and rough from Kieran’s throat. ‘They had no control over her. Do you want to know the harsh reality, Fen?’
When he said it in a tone laced with bitterness … no. She knew she’d hate what she’d hear. He stepped forward, toe to toe, and placed his hands on her shoulders as if he needed to anchor himself against the truth.
‘They knew my real mother was prone to psychotic episodes. They’d studied my case file before agreeing to foster me. They thought I’d be the perfect sibling, that I’d understand her behaviour, be able to deal with it better than a child who hadn’t been exposed to mental illness.’ He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. ‘Apparently I did that too well. They came to lean on me more with every episode, every tantrum, because I was the only one who could talk her around. Diane became more reliant on me. Later, when we fell into a relationship, she continued to spiral out of control and I knew I’d never be able to leave her like that. Her parents relied on me even more. I coped better with it than they did, and they were content to leave her in my care.’
‘That sounds so selfish of them.’
He shrugged. ‘They were helpless. They’d tried everything else. Robert was busy with his job, involved in cases that required travel across the country. Elaine tried, but she couldn’t cope alone.’
All those years he’d struggled alone and never said a word. ‘Did you talk to someone about it?’
‘You could have come to me. Trusted me.’ She gripped the front of his shirt in her fists. ‘Kieran, I was your friend.’
‘And what could you have done? What difference could you have made? I had a roof over my head, food on the table and a bed to sleep in. A lot more than I had when I arrived in this town. I owed it to them to help with their daughter because they’d given me a home and stability. She wasn’t the only challenge they had going on in their lives at the time. There were rumours at the time that Robert was having an affair. That he’d had several over the years. It’s one of the reasons he accepted the job over east. To get Elaine away from here and save their marriage.’
Fen let go of his shirt. She turned away and set about clearing the table, the coffee too cold to be palatable. Words failed her as her mind churned over what he’d been through. How desperate had the Vincents been that they’d needed to resort to such extreme measures? ‘So, they left Diane’s care solely to you?’
‘I guess it’s understandable that people would see that as selfish.’
‘They used you, Kieran.’ Disbelief tasted bitter on her tongue.
‘I loved her.’
His quietly spoken words might as well have been a shout. Pain twisted the knife in her stomach. Of course, he had. He’d been devoted to her. Kieran never did things by halves.
‘It wasn’t all bad, Fen. There were good times. Times when I thought we could really make it work. Days when she seemed better, happier, content. Then we’d hit a downward spiral again, fuelled by God knows what. It could be anything from a bad hair day to not having the right oils to finish a painting.’
Fen’s heart ached for him. He’d lost so much he could never get back. His wife. His life.
* * *
Kieran fought hard against the urge to pull Fen into his arms and anchor her against him. He wanted to let go of the anger and hurt, cry for the woman he’d buried, the wife who’d given him a son. Accept the comfort Fen offered and take the friendship she’d always been ready to give.
No matter how strong Fen had become or how willing she was to help, he wouldn’t add to her load with his baggage too. He couldn’t saddle her with a broken man and a traumatised child, and the ghost of a wife he couldn’t lay to rest. Not until his son had completely recovered from the trauma of her death. No matter how much he wanted to let the guilt slide from his shoulders, pack away the past and move into a future.
‘Now you know.’ Not everything. Not yet. He didn’t want her to hate him the way Diane had in the end.
She turned to face him, smoothing the flop of her fringe from her eyes. Dark, stormy grey eyes that glittered with unshed tears. For him. For Liam. And maybe for Diane too. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It is what it is.’ Kieran crossed is arms over his chest to stop his hands from reaching out. ‘I have to get Liam over this hurdle.’
‘I’ll do what I can to help.’
Losing the battle not to touch her, he cupped her cheek in his palm, her skin smooth and soft against his. ‘Thank you.’ He gave in to the temptation to stroke her cheek with his thumb. ‘I’ve missed you, Fen.’
Before he could stop himself, she was there, her body snuggled against him and his arms wrapped tightly around her. His lips touched the smooth, silkiness of her apple-scented hair below his chin as she pressed her face into his shirt, her hands clutching at the material at his back. And he held her. Just held her. Absorbing the warmth she generated, sinking into the comfort of having her in his arms and the familiarity of her friendship.
The sound of Liam’s laugh filtered through the doors of the cellar followed by Liv’s, ‘Yoo-hoo! Hope that coffee machine’s on.’
At the sound of little boots hammering the floor, Fen pulled out of his arms and dashed her fingers across her cheeks. She moved away from him, leaving a cold space between his arms.
He sat down at the table and watched her go through the motions of making fresh coffee as he held open those arms for his son. Pretending that moment hadn’t happened and ignoring the rightness of it would be the hardest thing to do. One touch, one hug and it felt like a homecoming. So right, yet so incredibly wrong. He lifted Liam up onto his knee and reminded himself that his son’s happiness and healing was all that counted.
‘Hey, mate. Did you have fun feeding the chooks?’
Liam nodded, a grin on his face that warmed Kieran’s heart and lessened the ache. ‘Yeah, Daddy. And I got five … no … six … no four eggs. Didn’t I, Liv?’
Liv ruffled his curls and sat on the seat next to Kieran. ‘You sure did, clever boy. We’re going to put them in a cake later, aren’t we?’
‘Yep. A chocolate one. With peanut butter icing.’
Kieran grimaced. ‘Not sure about peanut butter icing.’
Liv laughed. ‘Butter icing.’
‘Ah, much better.’
Liam chattered away about the chickens and how they were going to see the sheep next.
‘Harry Murchison’s sheep,’ Liv clarified. ‘Occasionally they wander into the bottom paddock when he forgets to close the gates. Keeps the weeds down, so we don’t mind.’
‘And when he forgets where they are, we can let Travis know they’re here or he spends ages looking for them.’ Fen placed a babycino with blue lizard-shaped marshmallows on the side in front of Liam and placed a reassuring hand on Kieran’s shoulder.
He let himself enjoy the comfort of her touch until she moved away, pleased they’d slipped into a more comfortable, less confronting discussion. Harry Murchison was a much safer subject and seeing his son’s bright, happy smile again warmed his heart. ‘Poor Harry. Being reliant on someone else must be hard for him to accept after being independent all these years. I can’t believe Alzheimer’s claimed a man with a clever mind like his.’ Kieran held out a protective hand as the sip-size cup trembled in Liam’s hand and the tower of milk foam wobbled, threatening to spill over the edge.
Liv smiled. ‘He’s a tough old bugger. A fading memory won’t stop him from doing what he loves most.’
Fen carried two more coffees to the table. ‘I’m sure Travis would like to see you again. He’s got his hands full with overseeing the building on Murchison’s Run and looking after Harry, but he still finds time to help us out when he can since Luke—’
He caught the pain and guilt in her look, remembered the little Liv had told him about what Fen’s ex had done and wished he could find the man and teach him a lesson. But not until he’d learned more about the damage Luke Sampson had caused and why the mention of his name had a variety of emotions, ranging from fear to sadness, flitting through Fen’s eyes. ‘I’ll catch up with Travis. Maybe make a turn there this afternoon.’
‘I think he’d like that,’ Liv murmured. ‘Did Fen mention he’ll be here for Harley and Tameka’s wedding tomorrow? Pretty much the whole town is invited.’
‘Not yet, Liv. I didn’t want to scare him away.’ Fen grinned. ‘He’s already had a run in with Virginia. I’m not sure he’s ready for a community wedding.’
Liv laughed. ‘Oh, come on, Fen. The old dear has mellowed some.’
‘Depends on who you speak to.’ She sat in the chair next to Kieran, her knee touching his as she drew her legs under the small round table.
He shifted back in the seat, the fleeting, accidental contact too personal, too tempting. He could so easily capture her hand, thread his fingers through hers and find strength in the bond they’d shared all those years ago. An unfair expectation when he’d chosen to ignore that bond for too long and the friendship they’d shared had been delegated to memories he’d used as comfort on those dark, endless nights in hell.
Liam wriggled off his knee. ‘Can I go play, Daddy?’
Kieran looked around. From the table, he had a clear view of the play area. He could kee
p an eye on Liam through the door. ‘Off you go, but be careful, okay?’
‘Course, Daddy. I’m a big boy now, aren’t I, Liv?’
Liv smiled and ruffled his curls. ‘You sure are. But even big boys get hurt sometimes, so listen to your dad.’
Kieran ignored the message her eyes sent as their gazes met and he realised she’d been watching him watch Fen. He’d have to be careful around Liv. Fen’s foster mum had an eagle eye for trouble and a reputation for matchmaking. He couldn’t afford to have her getting her hopes up. Liam scampered off and Kieran picked up his coffee.
‘So, tell me more about the wedding. What can I do to help?’
Liv patted his arm. ‘I’m sure we can find something for you to do. There’ll be a bit of organising needed in the bar to chill the whites and champagne.’ She checked her watch. ‘Oh dear, we’d better get a move on, Fen love. Our first group through today is a group of retirees. No alcohol allowed. They’re here for a late breakfast and the grape juice we bottled last week. A bottle of red and white on each table, I think.’
Fen looked up from her coffee cup. ‘Red-and-white gingham or floral for the tablecloths?’ She drew the empty cups towards her and stacked them before standing up.
‘Mm, the gingham, I think. And make sure we have plenty of extra napkins on the table. You know Mavis likes to wrap up the leftovers to take home with her.’
Kieran frowned. ‘Wouldn’t it be healthier to give her a takeaway container?’
Fen looked at him, a smile in her eyes that flipped his heart. ‘Not the same. We’ve tried. She wraps the cookies and shortbread with a precision that would make your eyes water.’
Liv smiled. ‘An excellent achievement considering her fingers are crippled with arthritis.’