by Juanita Kees
Liam tugged on his shirt. ‘Daddy, is Fen angry with me cos I did it wrong?’
His heart stuttered, his focus now totally on his son as Liam watched Fen put vases down and move the napkins from the centre of the dinner plates to the side plates under the butter knives. Kieran knelt and placed a gentle hand on Liam’s shoulder.
‘No, mate. You’re doing a great job of the tables. I’m sure she’ll be very happy with how hard you’ve worked. You’ve helped a lot by putting them out and now Fen is arranging things to make them look nice. That’s how it’s done. She’s not angry at you.’
Damn Diane for taking her bad moods out on Liam in the past, for making a kid feel responsible for how her life had turned out. For making him feel that everything that went wrong in her life was either Liam’s or his fault. That the boy had lost confidence in himself before he even understood what that meant.
Fen stopped beside them, her fingers clutching the neck of the vase, her eyes full of regret as he looked up. Gently, she placed the vase on the table and knelt beside them.
‘Liam, I’m not angry at you, mate. You did very well. I always struggle with those awful packages the napkins come in, so you saved me a lot of time not having to fiddle around with them. I’m very proud of you. The thing is, we put them under the butter knife so the napkins don’t blow off the table in the draft from the doors. Would you like to help me again when I set up the lunch tables? At lunch, we make different shapes with linen ones, like swans and flowers, and put them in a holder.’
Liam clung to Kieran’s side, his thumb firmly in his mouth, a habit Kieran had been trying to get him to break for twelve long months. ‘What do you say, mate?’ he prompted.
‘No.’ Liam scrambled into the vee of Kieran’s legs and clung to his neck, his little face buried against him.
Kieran’s stomach clenched at the thought of what might follow that adamant ‘no’. Next to him, the anguish on Fen’s face suggested she’d been thinking the same thing. He reached out a hand to squeeze hers then stood, gathering Liam up in his arms, bracing himself for a tantrum.
Fen stood too. ‘That’s okay, mate, but if you change your mind, let me know, okay?’ She set the vase in the middle of the table and moved the napkin under the butter knife. ‘I’ve been practising making lizards, but I’m not so good at it, so I could use some help.’
Liam made no response except to bury his face in Kieran’s shoulder. He let the muscles in his neck and back relax. No need to brace himself this time. For once the storm passed without incident.
‘Everything okay, Fen?’ He had to ask. To hear it from her.
Her shoulders dipped as she straightened a fork. ‘It will be. It has to be.’
‘If I can help with anything …’
‘There’s not much anyone can do. I have to be patient and let the police do their job.’ She adjusted the order of the glasses on the table. Swapped the juice glass with the water glass. Touched her wrist and twisted the leather wrapped around them.
Kieran’s gaze fell on her wrists as the sleeves of her jacket shifted with the movement. His mind retreated to the first time he’d met her, when those leather strips had covered raw new wounds no young girl should have. A girl tormented by the past, trying to cope in a strange new world. Trying to replace emotional pain and pressure with physical pain, to see if she was still capable of feeling. A girl with a tortured mind. A girl just like Diane. Had the monsters driven her back to self-harming?
Adjusting Liam’s weight to his hip, he reached out and lifted Fen’s hand, waiting for her to look at him. When she did, he raised a questioning eyebrow, not ready to voice the fear that clogged his throat.
Fen shook her head and tugged her hand from his. ‘It’s not what you think. I haven’t gone there again.’
‘I needed to make sure of that, Fen. You’ve come too far to let trouble drag you back. Liv’s filled me in a little on what’s going on. Let me help you.’
She pulled her sleeves down and gripped the edges with her fingers. ‘After that call, I’m not even sure it’s safe for you to be here. You have something so precious to take care of in Liam and I have Liv. I’m not sure it’s safe for her to be here either. I need to find a way to fix this mess before someone gets hurt.’
‘Wait, what do you mean it’s not safe? Who was that on the phone?’ A chill shivered up his spine. ‘Have they threatened you again?’
Noise erupted at the doorway to the café. ‘The guests have arrived. I must go. Can we talk about this later?’ Fen turned away to welcome the breakfast party forming a queue at the counter, a smile plastered to her lips that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Marge Everett made her way towards him. ‘Well look what the big bird in the sky brought home from the east coast. And I see you’ve brought me another passenger for the school bus.’ She patted Kieran’s arm. ‘When will this handsome young man be joining us at school?’
As soon as he could persuade Liam he had to go without engaging in a battle that would leave them both emotionally exhausted. ‘When I bring him in for a visit and orientation as soon as we’re settled.’
‘That’s great. A handsome young man just like his father. No spray cans on my bus, okay?’
Kieran grinned. ‘It was just that once, Ms Everett.’
‘Once was enough. It took ages to scrub the windows.’
‘I know. My arm still aches decades later.’ He hitched Liam up higher. ‘Say hello to Ms Everett, mate. She drives the school bus.’
Liam stayed silent, but Kieran felt his head shift under his chin as the little boy took a quick peek.
‘And what’s your name, young man?’ Marge peered at Liam over her sparkly glasses, her eyes blue and twinkling with laughter.
‘Liam.’ The whisper was so quiet that Marge had to lean closer to catch it.
Over her head, Liam caught the look Fen cast his way. Sad. Lost. Before she put her game face back on and got on with the job of showing her guests to their tables. Liam, surprisingly, became engaged in a conversation with Marge over how big the wheels of a bus needed to be to go around and around. Kieran let him slide to the floor. Marge took his son’s hand and led him to the closest chair where they proceeded to sing the song.
Warmth flowed through him. Yes, he’d made the right decision to come home. The day Marge had made him clean the windows of the bus with a nail brush after his painting spree had changed his life. He’d learned that discipline didn’t necessarily mean pain—except for the ache in the muscles of his fingers and forearm—and that doing something constructive and proactive came with its own reward.
And now it looked like his son would have the same support he’d had from the surrogate mums and grannies at the CWA. Out here, Liam would have no shortage of support, if Kieran could keep him safe from the threat that dogged the winery.
The ladies filtered to the table one by one, and soon Liam was showing them his sheep and talking favourite stories. Kieran saw Fen move towards the café door into the cellar to set up for the first tour group. With a quick word to Liam to let him know where he’d be, he followed her. Standing around doing nothing drove him nuts. The least he could do was offer a hand to help set up the bar. And maybe Fen would open to him a little if he did.
‘Need a hand?’ He waited, hands in pockets while she hid behind her fringe. With each wipe of the cloth, her sleeves pulled back to reveal the broad leather bands hugging them.
With a sigh, she tossed the cloth into the spill basin and wiped her hands on a towel. ‘You want to know about the wristbands.’
She’d stopped wearing them long before he and Diane had left town. Seeing her driven to wearing them again tore at his soul. ‘I want to know that you’re okay. That what’s happened with Luke and Beyond Hell’s Reach hasn’t sent you back into hell. I care, Fen. About you. The years between us since will never change that.’ He leaned on the bar, arms folded as he watched her take glasses off the shelf and arrange them in neat rows on the counter.
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br /> She stopped to look at him, her eyes stormy grey. ‘I wear them to remind me of how far I’ve come and where I never want to be again. Because I’m human and some days, when things go pear-shaped like they have lately, I doubt myself.’ Slowly Fen unclipped the fasteners on the leather bracelets. She turned her wrists up and held them out. ‘See?’
Kieran studied the long-healed blemishes, stark ridges faded white against her skin. He remembered them red-raw, raised and bleeding, as angry and hurt as the girl who’d worn them all those years ago. Unfolding his arms, he reached for her hands, his thumbs grazing the raised skin over those scars. Her skin around them was silky smooth, pale against his. ‘I don’t like seeing you angry.’ And damn it, she had been angry earlier. Angry, upset, hurting and in trouble.
Fen pulled her hands out of his and busied them with setting up the bar. ‘I’ve made a mess of things, Kieran. I’d give anything to go back and change the decisions I made, but I can’t. And Luke isn’t the kind of trouble I wanted to bring to Liv’s door. Not after all she’s done for me.’
The thought of her being in trouble made him shiver. He toyed with the leather bracelets and tried not to pay attention to the scenarios flickering through his mind. Of Fen being in a situation she couldn’t be rescued from. ‘Then let me help you find a way to make it right.’
‘I’m worried about the consequences of that too. Good doesn’t always triumph over evil. I’ve researched Luke’s club. They live up to their name and reputation and it scares me to think how far they’d go to get what they want.’ She placed her hand over his and stopped his fingers worrying the leather. ‘I want to tell you everything, but I can’t do that with guests about to arrive. Can we talk later?’
Kieran shifted his hands from under hers because the sensations her touch was sending through his blood were ones he shouldn’t be feeling. Not now when their lives were a mess and fear backlit the regret in her eyes. Maybe never because his first concern was his son’s safety and welfare. ‘Sounds good. How about you come up to the cottage when Liam has gone to bed?’ He handed her the leather bracelets and watched her secure them around her wrists, hiding her external scars, knowing the internal ones bled again.
‘Thanks. Yes, that sounds good. What time?’
‘About seven-thirty?’
‘Perfect.’ She pulled a list out from under the counter and handed it to him. ‘If you want to help, grab those from the storeroom for me. I need to stock up. Our first guests are reps from a national chain of both discount and boutique liquor stores. It’s going to get competitive and I want them all to place an order.’
Kieran offered her a mock salute and a grin. ‘Yes, boss.’ And if he kept his feelings for her on that same level, he wouldn’t fail her as he had his wife.
Chapter 6
Fen pushed the thought of an evening chat with Kieran and the trouble she was in from her mind as she welcomed the first guests to arrive. Telling him about the threat to the business would be easy, confessing to her own gullibility was something else entirely.
How could she tell him she’d lost everything to a man she’d thought she’d fallen in love with? No, not the man. The charm. Luke had made her feel loved and wanted, not abandoned and forgotten. And she’d been sucked right in, blinded to reality by her need to be accepted.
As she handed out the tasting glasses, the scars under her wristbands itched; tempting, taunting, daring her to act, testing her limits of resistance. All the demons, past and present, mocking her weakness on a tide of doubt and what ifs.
She turned from the guests and squeezed her eyes shut. What if she dropped the charges against Luke? What if that didn’t stop him from carrying out his threat? What if Liv got taken from her too. Like Antoinette. Behind the door that wouldn’t open more than a crack and the silhouettes that had played on the wall in the lamplight. The ones she couldn’t see because her mind had blanked them out, yet they continued to taunt her dreams, now more than ever before.
Snapping open her eyes, she pulled a bottle of water from the bar fridge under the counter and turned back to her guests. She refused to give in to the shadows that crept into the sun-filled room, the unidentifiable shapes that lurked beyond that hiding place of long ago, the taunts of that voice that echoed in her head, re-awakened by Luke’s threats on the phone.
Pushing back the darkness, she smiled until her cheeks ached, served until every drop had been consumed and crates of Cranky Lizard were being loaded into cars to the sound of a satisfying ding of the cash register totalling up a good day at the cellar door. All she had to do now was stop Luke from carrying out his threats and find out what he thought it was she knew.
Fen began the task of clearing up as Kieran disappeared to restock the storeroom. He’d helped—washed glasses, kept the bottles coming, done all the legwork—fitting in again as if he’d never left. Having him home felt surreal. As if he’d disappear back into her past as quickly as he’d reappeared. How to tell him what a fool she’d been? A tug on her sleeve had her looking down.
‘Can I have a drink, please?’ Beside her, Liam clutched his sheep and stared at her with a serious gaze.
‘Of course you can. Water?’
‘Nah.’ He shook his head, making his curls bounce. ‘Grumpy Lizard.’
Should she wait for Kieran to come back and ask if it was okay? Kid protocol. ‘Okay, how about I give you some water now and we wait for your dad to come back to ask if you can have a Grumpy Lizard?’
Liam’s lower lip quivered.
Shit. ‘Look …’ Fen put a glass under the filter tap and filled it. ‘I’m going to have some water first.’
‘K. I’ll have water too.’
Fen smiled. ‘Awesome.’ She filled a lizard cup with water and handed it to Liam. ‘Here you go.’
He smiled, an adorable, innocent cherub smile that touched her heart and warmed the chill from it. ‘Thanks.’
Fen returned his smile and held up a hand for a high five, thrilled when Liam returned it. She led him outside to the playground as he clutched the plastic cup.
‘Would you like to sit here on the bench while I check the playground? By the time we’re finished your dad should be back.’
She thanked the gods of the creek that Marge Everett and the oldies had hung around longer this morning to keep Liam occupied while Kieran had helped her through the rush. Highly likely it was curiosity that had kept them there, but still, they’d done well keeping the boy entertained. And Liam, it seemed, had liked them too, because a little of his shyness had slipped away.
‘Can I help?’
‘Of course you can, mate. First though, let me make sure there’s no glass lying around, okay? Sometimes people carry glasses in here even when we ask them not to, and they break. I don’t want you to cut yourself on anything.’
‘K. I sit here.’ He patted the wooden slats on the space next to him.
‘Perfect. When I’m done checking. We’re going to take the bucket over there and put some water in it to wash everything down, okay?’
‘K.’
Glass check complete, Fen filled the red bucket with water and a dash of disinfectant. She handed Liam a sponge and he put his cup down on the bench. It caught on the edge and toppled over, spilling water all over the rubber soft-fall. His eyes flew to meet hers, filled with a sudden fear she couldn’t understand. In an instant, he’d curled into a ball and cowered under the bench.
Fen’s heart clenched, reminding her of a little girl, a lifetime ago, who had also hidden under things, terrified of being too loud, too naughty, too much in the way, too alive. ‘Liam, it’s okay, mate. It was an accident.’
His skinny shoulders shuddered. ‘S … sorry.’ He kept his head buried in his arms, tightly coiled, his back turned to her.
Fen knew that fear. Recognised it in Liam. How many times had she cowered under a bed, a table or in a cupboard at his age. Kieran? No, he’d never harm a child. Diane then? A shiver crept through her, leaving her cold.
> She went down on her knees and peered at him under the bench. ‘It’s okay. I’m not angry.’
A muffled sob answered her reassurances. Desperate, Fen looked around for Kieran. Still no sign of him. Her gaze fell on the bucket. Reaching out, she tipped it over. ‘Oops! Silly me.’ She watched the water run across the floor away from them. ‘See, I messed too. Can you help me clean it up?’
‘Will you get in trouble?’ His voice was so small, quiet and afraid, it made her heart clench.
‘No, sweetheart. Here we don’t get into trouble for accidents.’ She held out a hand to him. What the hell had happened to make him so afraid of something so normal? ‘Come on out.’
He edged closer and she waited, afraid to touch him in case he thought she was going to hurt him.
‘Think you can handle a broom to clean up the mess we’ve made? I’ve got a special one you can use.’ Pretty useless with its toy-sized soft nylon bristles, but if it made him look less afraid, she’d be happy. Messes could always be cleaned, but damaged kids were marred forever.
‘I think so.’ He placed his hand hesitantly in hers.
Fen let her fingers curl gently around his. ‘Come on then.’ Rising to her feet, he stood with her. ‘See over there against the wall? The yellow broom with the blue bristles and red handle? Why don’t you go and get that and start sweeping the water away onto the grass? I’ll take the big broom and help. And guess what?’
A little of the fear in his eyes was replaced by curiosity. ‘What?’
‘We won’t have to wash the floor now because the water we messed will help clean it anyway.’
He grinned, the resemblance to Kieran making her heart stutter. ‘K.’
Fen followed him across the rubber mat to retrieve her broom and together they swept the water away. She leaned on the broom handle. ‘Look at that. What a team we make.’
His bright, broad smile was reward enough, the fear gone from his eyes for just an instant before it was replaced with sadness again. ‘My mummy used to shout at me a lot.’