by Juanita Kees
With a sigh, Fen closed the browser on her laptop and covered Liv’s hand with hers. ‘I’m scared, Liv. If I hadn’t given in to him, let him move in …’
‘He would still have found a way in. Those men know exactly what they’re doing. Do you really think going back to that awful place will help?’
‘If I don’t try, the nightmares won’t stop.’ Fen squeezed her mum’s fingers. ‘If I don’t find out what it is they’re looking for, they’ll keep terrorising us until I do, or until they destroy everything.’
Liv squeezed back. ‘What if you remember?’
‘I’m a target whether I remember or not. I can only trust that Riggs knows what he’s doing and can protect us from it. I’m afraid of what will happen if I remember. I’m terrified of what will happen to you and Kieran and Liam if I don’t.’
Fen stood, Liv’s hand slipping from her shoulder, and walked over to the window. Outside on the lawn, Kieran played ball with Liam, enjoying his last day off before work in the morning. The little boy’s smile stretched wide, his infectious laugh melting the ice around her heart. She could really like the kid. Be the same person for him that Liv had been for her back when she’d been a motherless, lost child. If things were different.
Her gaze cut to Kieran, rugged up against the crisp, cold air in a sheepskin jacket, a scarf around his neck and a black beanie warming his ears. He unbuttoned the jacket and tossed it onto the grass, closely followed by his beanie. The sweater he’d worn underneath clung to his torso, highlighting his broad shoulders and solid strength.
Liv came to stand at her side. ‘You’ve always loved him.’
She could deny it, argue against it, but what was the point of that? ‘Always. That’s why I need to send him away too, Liv. He has Liam to take care of, nightmares of his own to deal with. We can’t be more than friends. Every day they’re here, I grow more attached to Liam. What if I put everyone here in more danger than we already are by proceeding with these charges against Luke and his thugs? Whatever it is that’s locked away in my mind … what happens if it’s so terrible, I can’t deal with it? What if I’m too emotionally and mentally scarred, like Diane? That’s no role model for a child who has already experienced rejection. I have no right to add my problems to Kieran’s.’
Liv slipped her arm around Fen. ‘If Kieran didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t have committed to going back to that awful place with you.’
‘That’s my point, Mum. He’s already been to a dark place with his wife. I don’t have the right to drag him and his son into another nightmare.’
‘He loves you, Fen. He’s just not ready for you yet. He will be, when the time is right and you’ve both dealt with the past. This trauma in your mind, you’ve lived with it since you were seven. Maybe it’s not as bad if, or when, you remember what happened. Repressed memories can be exaggerated by time and emotion. But if you don’t face it, you’ll never heal completely.’
‘What if facing it and bringing it to the surface puts us all in danger? It’s clear that Luke and Beyond Hell’s Reach think I’m a threat to them, that I know more than I do.’
The link was there, buried deep inside her mind, dragging it to the surface by Antoinette’s association with the club. Martha Wallace had believed Fen was in danger, enough to change her name and make her disappear into the system, and now she was dead. Brutally murdered and dumped, left to burn in a fire on their property because she’d known something.
‘What if you don’t? You owe it to yourself, to Martha, to Antoinette, to remember what happened that night. It’s time to let go of the nightmares and grow another new tail, Fen. Kieran came back here for a reason, not just because he needed a job, or to heal, or for the familiarity of the place where he was at his happiest. He could have got a job anywhere in the world, far away from Wongan Creek, yet he chose to come here. I believe he came back for you. Maybe he doesn’t realise that yet, but he will.’
‘You’re wrong. He’s thinking of his boy’s future and rightly so. We can be friends, that’s all.’ But damn it, that kiss had promised so much more yesterday. ‘I’m not the girl for him.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m as toxic to him as Diane was. Look at me, Mum.’ She held out her wrists, the scars pink from where she’s worried them with her thoughts. ‘I’m as unbalanced as Diane was. Kieran deserves better.’
‘Darling, you’re far from being unbalanced. You’re the most together girl I know. Look how far you’ve come. The outer scars are long healed. You won’t go back there again. I have faith that you won’t. It’s the emotional scars that are still hurting. Sometimes in life a situation has to get worse so it can get better.’
‘It’s dangerous. Someone else could die.’ And the consequences of that would be unbearable.
‘Riggs won’t let that happen. And Kieran will have your back. He’s always been there for you, Fen, except for a moment in time when he couldn’t be because his wife and child needed him. He did the right thing. He’s an honourable man. And when time heals him and Liam, he’ll be free to love you again.’
Fen rubbed at her wrists. She needed to put her cuffs back on. To stop the itch, to curb the temptation. ‘I’m still damaged goods.’
‘That never stopped him loving you.’
Fen’s hands stilled. Had he loved her? ‘He didn’t love me. We had a close friendship, a bond.’ She sighed.
If he had loved her, it would have been the way a brother loved a sister. It hadn’t stopped her from loving him, but that was before another damaged woman broke his heart and stole his happiness. The cycle had to end with Diane. The right woman for him would carry no baggage, have no questionable past. A woman like Janet who came from a stable family background, adored kids and had a steady, reliable job.
‘Lucky’s looking a bit pale. Take him out into the sunshine. I’m sure Liam would love to see him outside.’ Liv held out Lucky’s leash.
‘Lucky is pale. It’s his skin tone. You just want to stop me pressing the book-now button on that cruise.’
Liv smiled. ‘That too. But, honey, out there is a man who is your friend and he needs you as much as you need him. Don’t waste time not making the best of having him here.’
‘I’ve got so much to do.’
‘Go on. Go out there while I get a batch of cookies on the go.’ Liv took hold of Fen’s hand, placed the leash in her palm and closed her fingers around it. ‘Take your dragon for a walk. The sunshine will do you both good.’
With a sigh, Fen turned from the window towards Lucky’s enclosure. She lifted him out and held the bulk of his body in the palm of her hand while his tail curled around her arm. For a second, he allowed her to stroke the tip of her finger down his back then Lucky turned and crawled up her arm to settle on her shoulder, his head buried against the warmth of her neck.
She walked down the stairs, outside and across the lawn to where Liam and Kieran had engaged in a play tackle and were rolling around on the grass. They sat up at her approach, Liam’s eyes widened at the sight of Lucky on her shoulder. He got to his feet and came over to stroke the dragon’s tail.
‘He can come outside?’
She knelt so he could tickle Lucky’s back. ‘Bearded dragon’s need sunshine just like people.’
‘Why does he live inside then?’
‘See how he only has three legs?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘He’s a rescue dragon. He was found on the side of the road and he was very sick, so we had to fix him up and nurse him back to health.’ Fen eased Lucky from her shoulder and placed him in her upturned palm. The dragon’s front foot closed around her fingers for balance. She slipped on his leash and let him slide down onto the grass. ‘Would you like to take him for a walk?’
Excitement lit the boy’s eyes. He did a little happy dance and Fen felt her heart lurch against her ribs. God, she couldn’t allow affection for the kid to take hold.
‘Can I? Can I?’ He looked at Kieran who nodded
.
‘Of course you can, squirt. Just be careful with him, okay?’
Fen slipped the end of the leash over his wrist and showed him how to hold it. ‘Let him lead you where he wants to go and try not to tug on the leash if he stops. He gets tired really quickly so he’ll go a little slowly.’ She pointed towards the neatly trimmed hedges of Muzz’s mini maze. ‘Take him to the hedge over there then bring him back, okay? When you turn around, he’ll follow you.’
‘K. Come, Lucky.’
She stood next to Kieran and watched the pair make slow progress across the lawn. Kieran nudged her shoulder, his warmth cutting the chill around her.
‘He won’t bite, will he?’
She looked up and caught his frown. ‘He might sneak in a lick or two.’
‘Ew.’ He shuddered.
Liam and Lucky turned around at the maze and began their slow trek back across the lawn. Roach’s warning on the day of the wedding rang in her ears. Cute kid. Be a shame if something happens to him.
‘Are you sure you want to visit the past with me?’ The words drifted between them, a dark cloud crossing the sun.
Kieran sighed. ‘I want your nightmares to end, the threats to go away. The same way you do.’
‘It’s dangerous when I don’t know what it will uncover or what the fallout will be.’
‘It’s dangerous already. I won’t let you deal with this alone. I’ve seen the damage your past has done before.’ He turned his head to catch her gaze. ‘I’ve rescued you off rooftops and from hitchhiking down lonely country roads. I did that because I wanted to, not because I needed to. I want to help you now.’
‘I wish you’d go home, Kieran. Where it’s safe for you and Liam.’
‘I am home.’
Fen turned away from watching Liam and Lucky to face him. ‘You spent more years in Sydney than you did here. How can this be home for you?’
His eyes held hers for a long time before he answered, ‘Because home will always be here in Wongan Creek where I found a purpose for life, a reason to change and a friendship that goes so much deeper than that. You’re my anchor, Fen.’
* * *
The words left his lips and he knew there was no taking them back. Nor did he want to. He’d meant every word of the email to her he’d never hit the send button on. The one that had tipped Diane into a downward spiral she hadn’t come back from. The one he had no intention of sending, but it had helped to write anyway. Because it set him free from the confines in which he’d found himself, and that made him the world’s biggest Grade A arsehole. Because it would have been the equivalent of cheating on his wife. And he wasn’t a cheater.
God damn it, he hadn’t physically cheated, but his mind had often wandered to Fen over the years, and that was bad enough. Long, cold, dark nights alone with his thoughts, pacing the floor with a teething, feverish baby while Diane slept out a prescription of sedatives or lay crippled by depression, held captive by the dark demons that haunted her. Torn between the two women he loved. Differently. All while Fen had fought her own demons—real live danger—on the other side of the country. Alone.
Her eyes flashed a fiery warning. ‘Don’t.’
‘It is what it is.’
‘I’m not who you need, Kieran. I’ll only end up hurting you and Liam.’
And damned if he wasn’t afraid of exactly that. He couldn’t do that to his son again. But when he’d held her, kissed her … The timing sucked for it to feel like the best thing he’d ever done. The right thing. Just not the right time.
‘Look, Daddy, Lucky likes me.’ Liam crouched next to the lizard and tickled his back. ‘Come and touch him.’
Kieran shivered. ‘Maybe later.’
‘He’s not as squishy as he looks. But he feels cool.’
Fen moved away and the chill in the air filled the gap where she’d been. ‘I think he might need to go back into his enclosure now. He’ll need warming up a little.’
And there she was, running again. Shutting him out. He watched her walk away. How deep was he getting himself in and would he simply be repeating his mistakes of the past?
‘Daddy? Can I go play in the maze?’
He looked down at Liam tugging on the leg of his denims. ‘Of course, mate. Let’s go. I’ll follow you.’
‘I need a map.’
‘I’ve got GPS on the phone.’
‘That’s cheating.’
Kieran grinned. ‘Okay, we’ll only use it if we get lost. Deal?’
‘Deal!’ Liam scampered away to the entrance of the maze.
Kieran followed more slowly, his legs long enough to close the distance between them if Liam’s mood shifted suddenly and his boy became the lost and confused child he’d been for most of his life.
Liam led Kieran through the maze, each section opening new adventures until exhausted, the little boy dragged his feet out the other side too tired to chat about what he’d seen. Kieran smiled. Perhaps for once Liam would be too exhausted by his adventures to be plagued by nightmares, and that at last both might get a good night’s sleep.
‘Why don’t we see if we can get some lunch at the café, mate? Are you hungry?’
‘Can I have Vegemite and cheese sandwiches?’
‘Plenty of B vitamins in that, so yes, why not?’
‘And a milkshake?’
‘Let’s see what we can get Liv to rustle up for you.’
‘K, Daddy.’ Liam’s shoulders slouched and his feet dragged. ‘Can you carry me? My feet are hurting.’
‘Piggyback?’
Liam nodded, his curls bobbing. Kieran knelt and let him scramble aboard, tiny arms forming a choke-hold on his neck. ‘Let’s go, Daddy. I’m thirsty too.’
Kieran strode back across the lawn towards the winery buildings, his thoughts a little lighter. The country air and exercise was proving good for his little mate’s appetite. A niggle of hunger tickled at his own stomach. Food until now had been a necessity to stay alive, but with delicious smells drifting out the doors of the café as he stepped onto the verandah, he felt real hunger for the first time in months.
Chapter 12
Fen dealt with the flood of emails and weeded out the junk mail from ones that came from legitimate suppliers and clients. If she got one more survey, offer of a hardware store voucher or invitation from a potential Russian bride, she’d toss the damn laptop out the window. The same window through which she could see Kieran strolling through the rows with Liam, marking out which of the fire-damaged vines outside the cordoned-off block where Martha had been found would need to be uprooted and replaced.
When the investigation was over and crew moved to clear the land ravaged by the flames, Liam would have to be kept out of the way. A dilemma considering he was nowhere near ready to spend the day or even a full week with the other kids at the school in town.
Heather had promised to come in to spend time with him while they worked in the field, but that had Kieran on edge for reasons she could understand. Not that he needed to worry. Heather was already a fan. No way in hell would she find anything lacking in Kieran’s parenting skills. But she understood his reluctance. While Liam had settled in quickly, the hesitance and wariness remained in his eyes and body language at times.
Fen smiled. If only their circumstances could be different. She’d never imagined how much fun it would be to have a kid that age around, and her range of kids’ drinks was fast expanding thanks to having him to taste-test.
In the distance, Kieran showed Liam how to spray a cross on a vine with the can of orange paint. Liv had laughed when a couple of the vines to go had been marked with graffiti reminiscent of their teenage days. How easily they’d all slipped back into the habits of the happiest days in Wongan Creek. Back before adulthood had changed them again and delivered reminders of what a bitch reality could be. Her phone rang, and apprehension had her checking the caller ID. If it was Luke calling again, it would mean more trouble on the way. Her mouth drew down in a grimace as she read the name
on her screen.
‘Hey, Sarge. What have you got for me?’
‘A date for a meeting with Cherish, the owner of La Paloma Negra, on a day that she’s closed for business so there’ll be no-one to see you coming or going.’
Nerves twisted in her belly. ‘What if someone follows us there?’
‘I’ve arranged for an unmarked car to stay close and keep an eye out for anything suspicious. The detectives on the case had no problem with that.’
His reassurance did little to settle the moths of apprehension trying to beat their way out through her throat. She hadn’t been in that place for a long time, and the last person to carry her out of those dingy hallways was dead. Trust. She had to trust Riggs, trust the detectives when the only people she was certain of were her mum and Kieran.
‘When?’
‘Day after tomorrow. Not before noon. Since it’s a couple of hours drive to Perth, I’ll be at yours around ten to stay with Liv.’
‘Thank you.’ The reality of what she was about to do struck with the force of a cricket bat cracking the ball past the boundary lines. She’d had no reason to face the past before, happy to leave the bad memories where they belonged, but now lives depended on her remembering what happened in the room the night Antoinette died. ‘What if what I remember isn’t relevant? What if I don’t remember anything, Sarge?’
‘What if you do? If it’s not relevant, you get to let the ghosts rest and we explore new avenues of investigation. If it is relevant, you get answers and we can put Roach Sampson and his offspring back in jail before they create any more havoc in this town.’ He sighed, the sound weighing heavily down the line. ‘And if you don’t remember anything, we go to Plan B.’
‘Which is?’
‘Find something else on the bastards and make it stick while the detectives working the cold case rehash the evidence. What we have on them, the arson and fraud, it’s not enough. The maximum penalty is ten to fifteen. With a good lawyer, they’ll be out in five. I don’t want any more bodies showing up in bags in this town, especially not Liv’s. Or yours.’