by Juanita Kees
‘Why didn’t you say something to me? Send that email?’ She’d been hurt by his silence, yet knowing Diane, she’d understood it at a level she couldn’t explain.
‘If I’d stayed in touch, who knows what Diane would have done. Nothing she did was rational, and it only got worse near the end. She wasn’t aware of much outside of her own tormented world and the lies she made up in her mind.’
She reached for his face around Liam’s sleeping warmth and stroked the roughness of his beard. ‘You did everything you could, Kieran. Her death isn’t your fault. I believe you did try, but some people you can fix, others are beyond repair.’
‘Then why do I feel so guilty and angry about her dying?’
‘Because you loved her enough to want to save her. She tried to take your son, which in the real world is all kinds of wrong, but in her damaged mind, it was the right thing to do. You have to forgive her for that or else you’ll never forgive yourself.’
He covered her hand with his and pressed it to his cheek, rubbed his face against her palm. ‘I’ve missed you, Fen. I wanted to send that email, to tell you I still cared.’
Warm tingles spread through her. ‘I missed you too, so much, but you did the right thing not to send that email.’ She drew his face to hers, pressed a kiss to his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, and eased back to watch his eyes close. When they reopened the sadness had been replaced with a green fire that reached in and tied her heart in knots. ‘Why don’t I put Liam to bed while you finish up here?’
Kieran lifted Liam’s limp hands and wiped the remnants of honey and lint from them. ‘Why don’t we both go?’ He stood and tossed the cloth into the sink.
Fen stood with the precious bundle in her arms and followed him up the hallway to Liam’s room, blood fizzing with expectation, her belly coiled with nerves. Maybe tonight that last barrier would fall and all that kept them apart could be laid to rest. God, she wanted that more than anything. To finally find happiness with the one man who meant everything to her. Before the real world descended on them again tomorrow and reality brought with it the danger that still dogged their future. One unforgettable night to override all things forgettable to come in the morning.
Kieran pushed open the door, turned on the lizard lamp at the side of the bed and pushed back the covers decorated by woolly sheep. Fen untied Liam’s dressing gown and gently slipped it down his arms before releasing it into Kieran’s waiting hand. Her fingertips brushed his and heat swept through her. The atmosphere around them thickened, drew them into the warm magic cast by the soft lighting.
Fen placed Liam gently onto the soft mattress, hushing his murmurs of protest as she soothed his curls while Kieran removed his red dragon slippers. Then she pulled the covers up over him and tucked him in with a kiss goodnight. She straightened to find Kieran at her back, his warmth enveloping her, his hands cupping her shoulders to draw her against him.
She let him hold her as his arms came around her and his lips found her temple in a soft, barely-there kiss. ‘He looks so peaceful,’ she whispered.
‘It’s that magic touch of yours,’ he whispered back.
She turned in his arms and reached for his face, smoothing out the dark circles under his eyes with her thumb. ‘Do you think it would work for you?’
‘I’ll be your guinea pig.’
‘I don’t know where we’re going.’ Uncertainty trickled through her. What if taking this next step ruined their friendship forever?
‘I know where we’ve been.’
‘Yes.’ Apart. To hell and back with a return ticket. Multiple rides. Didn’t they both deserve to get off that train for a stopover? She pressed into him.
‘I know I never want to be without you again.’ His words rode over her skin as he lifted her closer, his lips so close to hers she could almost taste the honey he’d licked from the spoon while cleaning up. ‘Stay with me tonight?’
‘Only tonight?’
‘I want forever, but I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.’ He brushed her fringe back from her face. ‘We’ll need to talk about that sometime.’
‘Tomorrow. Nothing we can say tonight will change anything that’s happened. Tonight, I need you to hold me. I need to hold you. Because tomorrow we start another journey.’
She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on the toes of her boots to reach his lips. She drew them down to hers and kissed him with everything she had bottled up inside her. He took it, swallowed it and asked for more. Then he swept her up in his arms and carried her away down the hall, pushing the door of his room closed with his foot.
Chapter 17
Kieran woke to the sounds of rain on the old tin roof of the cottage. Something, somewhere had shifted and healed during the night, curled around the woman he considered his best friend, the heart and soul that had disappeared from his life and come back. A band aid on a wound he’d rather heal than let fester.
Fen murmured in her sleep and snuggled into him. He wrapped his arms around her. Lying there with silence around them and the rain making music in the background, he realised something else. No midnight crying from Liam. No four-year-old spread across his bed. No damp tears seeping through his T-shirt.
A moment of panic seized him. Liam! He eased away from Fen, stood and pulled on his track pants before making his way to his son’s room. Liam lay fast asleep, his toy sheep hugged close, a thumb in his mouth and long lashes feathering cheeks pink with sleep.
Kieran leaned against the door frame with a sigh of relief. His boy’s first full night of undisturbed sleep since forever. How cool was that? He pulled the door closed a little so the noise of the kettle and clutter of mugs wouldn’t wake him. God knew they’d all needed a good night’s sleep. And he’d had one. None of his own nightmares about Diane had surfaced. No sense of presence of her hovering in the room, waiting to raise bad memories. And the memory of her hadn’t come between him and Fen last night as he’d half expected it to.
He filled the kettle with water, turned it on. The basket of cupcakes still lay covered on the table. He peeled back the red-and-white-checkered cloth to find a note pinned to it. Good to see you’ve stopped pacing. Tell Fen not to rush home in the morning. Riggs has her chores covered.
Kieran smiled, shook his head. Of course Liv would have picked up on his mood. He’d paced the rows between the vines yesterday unable to concentrate on the task at hand, worrying about how Fen was getting on in the city. The kettle whistled, and he moved to turn it off.
Fen appeared in the doorway, wrapped in his hoodie that reached mid-thigh. ‘Everything okay?’
He abandoned the kettle and moved to her instead. She looked warm and deliciously tousled. There was no stopping the rush of pleasure in knowing he’d been responsible for that look. That every dream he’d ever had about Fen had paled in comparison to making sweet love to the real being. He swept her up against him and tightened his hold on her. ‘It is now. Sleep well?’
She grinned up at him. ‘Like a baby.’
He nuzzled her neck, kissed a trail over her jaw, curled his tongue around the shell of her ear and smiled as she shivered against him. ‘Me too.’
Her hands travelled all over him, touching every inch of skin she could find, fingers skimming over the material of parts she couldn’t reach. He kissed her like a man taking his last drink. Savoured the taste of her freshly brushed tongue. ‘Is that my toothpaste?’
She smiled against his lips. ‘And your toothbrush. We’ve shared worse.’ Then she kissed him until he forgot he owned a toothbrush. ‘Let’s go back to bed,’ he suggested.
‘Can’t. I need to get back. We’ve got the book club coming for breakfast.’
‘I’m not game enough to disobey Liv’s orders. She said to tell you not to rush home this morning.’ He let his hands run an exploration of their own, loving her curves against him. How they fit so perfectly with his. He wanted this morning to go on forever. ‘She even gave you a note to excuse you.’
Fen laughed. ‘She did not.’
‘Did so too.’
‘Mm.’
The hum against his neck almost sent him over the edge, made him want to forget all about murders, outlaw gangs and everything they still faced. To bury himself in her warmth like he had last night and only see a future together instead of a past that kept them apart. ‘Say yes?’
‘No.’
He pulled back and looked at her with a frown, ice creeping up through him, stealing his warmth. Had she changed her mind? ‘No?’
‘I hear Liam singing.’
On cue, the toilet flushed and he called out, ‘Daddy, I peed!’
He groaned before calling out, ‘Good work, mate!’
Fen slipped from his arms with a quick kiss on his mouth. ‘Ask me again tonight.’ She moved away out of his reach.
‘Oh, I will.’ He ruffled Liam’s hair as the little boy shot into the room and scampered onto a chair next to Fen. ‘Did you wash your hands?’
‘Course I did,’ Liam scoffed. ‘I’m hungry.’
‘You’re always hungry, squirt.’ A truth that had only become reality since they’d arrived in Wongan Creek. Nothing made him happier than to see his son’s appetite returning. Kieran pulled a loaf of bread out of the bread bin. ‘Vegemite toast?’
‘Yeah. And a cupcake.’
Fen nudged Liam playfully. ‘Do you think if I eat all my toast, I can have a cupcake too?’
‘Only if you eat all your crusts. Daddy says so.’
She screwed up her nose. ‘How about you eat my crusts and I have the icing on your cupcake?’
Liam eyed her for a moment. ‘No way! That’s not fair.’
Fen ruffled Liam’s hair. ‘I guess I’ll just have to eat my own crusts then.’
‘I have to eat mine because today is my first day at school with Benji and Casey, and crusts make you smarter. But you’re already smart, Fen, so maybe you don’t need to eat yours. I’m going on the big white bus so I’ll be stronger if I eat my Vegemite toast.’ He showed Fen his muscles.
Kieran turned away from the scene and looked out the kitchen window, blinking against the sting in his eyes. No-one, not Diane nor his mother-in-law, had ever had a conversation like this with Liam. Fen was great with Liam. She’d be the perfect mother.
Outside the window, the familiar sight of a marked car rolled down the drive, reminding him of the battle they still had ahead. He turned and walked away to place bread in the toaster, reached for the Vegemite, took the butter from the fridge, the movements automated, a habit formed from following the same routine every day. Reality had seeped in with the dawn. There’d be no sunshine through the clouds today.
The happiness he’d felt last night with her in his arms, would be destroyed by the forensics team packing up their crime scene, more questions from the visiting detectives, and the shadow of Beyond Hell’s Reach standing in the wings between lies and murder. He’d do well not to forget the danger wasn’t over yet.
‘How about I get Liam dressed while you finish making his breakfast?’ Fen’s question filtered through his thoughts.
Another difference that shouldn’t have his heart pounding with hope. Diane had never offered to see to Liam. She’d left it all to him. Kieran cast a quick look at her over his shoulder, his tone short. ‘I think he’d like that, thank you.’
‘You okay?’ Concern furrowed her forehead.
‘All good.’
She moved to his side, a hand on his arm. ‘You sure?’
He nodded. ‘Just thinking.’ His gaze strayed back to the window where the dust cloud behind the police car grew and billowed as it drew closer.
Fen saw it too. She stiffened beside him, the smile slipping from her face. Another day, another challenge, another stone in the pond. They both knew it.
‘I won’t stop fighting until it’s over, Kieran. Not now I know the truth. If you’re concerned about safety, then you need to consider your choices. I won’t stand in your way.’
No, she wouldn’t. She would step aside the way she had for Diane and give him his freedom. He had no doubt she could fight this case on her own, find the answers she needed, but at what cost? ‘We’ll talk later.’
‘Okay.’ For a moment she let her head rest against his arm, squeezed his hand, and then teased and tickled his son out of the kitchen, into his room.
He listened to the murmur of their conversation as Fen guided Liam through the routine of getting dressed. He heard Liam laugh at something Fen said, the sound making his heart ache. How unfair that, on the brink of finding happiness, the damage of the past had to once again resurface. He hoped the detectives moved fast on the new evidence. That it would hold up in court in the face of an arrest and conviction. That no-one else got hurt while the wheels of justice turned in their excruciatingly slow way.
When Fen and Liam returned to the kitchen, he served toast and coffee in the mounting tension in the room, his thoughts turning to all the things that could happen in between investigation and arrest. He looked at Fen. She’d changed her clothes. Gone was his worn and faded hoodie, in its place her black jeans, dark jumper and the leather bands.
Liam tugged on Fen’s sleeve.
‘Fen, are you and Daddy going to fight?’ His bottom lip protruded, his forehead creased in a worried frown.
Fen’s gaze flew to meet Kieran’s. ‘No, sweetheart, of course not.’
‘Are you angry with my daddy? You said you were going to fight. My mummy used to get very angry. With Daddy and me.’
‘Oh, mate, no.’ She frowned. ‘Oh, I understand now. You heard me say I won’t stop fighting. I’m not going to fight with your daddy. It’s some other bad people I need to fight with. Your dad and I are friends. Good friends don’t fight. They might squabble a little, but they always kiss and make up.’ She ruffled Liam’s hair.
He giggled and smoothed the curls flat with his palms. ‘You’re messing up my mane.’
‘Eat your toast and drink your juice, mate. When you’re done you can play in the playground a while.’ The words came out gruffer than Kieran had intended.
‘I don’t want you to fight with Fen, Daddy. She’ll go away. Like Mummy did. And then she won’t come back.’
Kieran recognised the build-up to a tantrum. Liam’s go-to place when he felt threatened. Damn it, it had been weeks since the last one. He’d thought they’d made such good progress. And now this.
Fen reached out to hug Liam. ‘I’m not going anywhere, mate. We’re not going to fight, but we do have a lot to talk about and it may be hard stuff to deal with. Now finish up so we can go outside and wait for the school bus.’
Her quick look at him had Kieran praying she was right. He didn’t want to fight with her. He wanted to turn back the clock ten years and start over.
* * *
Liam waved at them from his booster seat in the school bus as Marge drove it away down the drive. They waved back. His first official day at school. Beside her Kieran stood, stoic and still. She nudged his rigid side.
‘Is this what was worrying you in the kitchen earlier? He’ll be fine. He has Casey and Benji to look out for him. Marge will be there with him all day and Janet has plenty planned to occupy his mind. And the cop station is right next door to the school. He’ll be safe, Kieran.’
‘But he’s so little. What if something upsets him and he has a meltdown?’
She grinned up at him. ‘No doubt Janet will call on Virginia to sort it out.’
‘God, the poor kid.’ He grimaced. ‘I’d better get moving. I’ve got a ton of fertiliser to put on the ground where the new vines will go.’
Fen hugged his arm and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. ‘Go get smelly. I’ll check on Liv and see if she needs my help before I head upstairs to clean out Lucky’s enclosure. I’ve got some fresh branches and rocks to re-decorate with.’
‘Decorating for lounge-room lizards, hey?’ He grinned before tugging her into him. ‘Are you contemplating a new career?’
‘He’s a dragon,’ she whispered against his lips. ‘And he has more class than a lounge-room lizard.’
He kissed her hard then spanked her backside. ‘Go. You’re distracting me from the job. You’ll get me fired. I hear the boss is a bit of a dragon.’
She pinched his arm. ‘I’ll tell Liv you said that.’
‘I wasn’t talking about Liv.’
She kissed the smug look from his face and left him standing as she turned in the direction of the cellar café. Inside, her mum moved things around on tables, wiping down surfaces. ‘Hey, Mum.’ She kissed Liv’s cheek.
‘Hello, sweetheart. Did Liam get off to school okay?’
‘He was very excited. We had a few concerns getting him dressed this morning, but as soon as he saw Casey and Benji on the bus, he was keen to go.’
‘He’s making good progress. Things will settle down again soon, you’ll see.’
‘There’s still a long way to go. Do you need me to do anything?’
‘No, sweetheart. It’s going to be a quiet day today, so I’m restocking the store and doing a bit of a clean out. I’ll potter along here. We’ve only got a skeleton staff on today, and I’ve told them to come in a little later. We may get a bit of a rush around lunchtime if the weather warms up.’
‘Okay then, I’ll be upstairs with Lucky doing a bit of redecorating.’
‘I’ll bring you up a cuppa in about an hour.’
‘Perfect.’ With a wave, she jogged down the stairs and made her way to the house.
The house was silent as she entered it. She still couldn’t get used to that. The lack of Muzz-noise. Taking the stairs two at a time, she made her way to the landing and pushed open the door to her room. She hadn’t slept there since coming home from the city. Sleeping beside Kieran was so much more fun than sleeping with popstar posters on the wall, alone in a single bed.
Lucky wallowed on a branch in the corner of his enclosure, his beard flaring when he spotted her movement. She reached for the tub of crickets, picked one out and fed it to him then she reached inside and let him crawl onto her arm, up onto her shoulder.