by J. S. Cooper
“Oh, that sounds good.” My stomach rumbled just thinking about the food. “But I’ll just have some cereal, the Weetabix please.” I smiled half-heartedly, not really wanting the weird sounding cereal for breakfast. But I knew that if I wanted to seduce Blake, I had to be in my best shape.
“Are you sure that’s all you want, Moo-moo?” Blake looked at me with concern. His wavy dark hair was flopping over his forehead, and I reached over and brushed it out of his eyes. I felt giddy with excitement that I was now able to touch him at my will.
“Yes. I’m not that hungry,” I lied to him, and my face flushed red as my stomach grumbled once again, but even louder this time. “I think that was thunder.” I gave a weak smile, and the waiter walked away.
“You need to eat, Maggie.” Blake started his lecturing again. “I don’t want you fainting from malnutrition.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” I smiled at him while looking down at my stomach. There were five extra pounds around my waist that I wouldn’t mind burning away as fuel. I knew Perky Tina from my gym back home would tell me that wasn’t how weight loss worked, but I could always dream. Maybe if I meditated hard enough, I could will away some of my pounds. That is what Gayle always told me: “Mind over matter.” In fact, that was one of her selling points for me to go to yoga with her. “Do you know if they have yoga here?” I asked Blake casually.
“Yoga?” Blake looked at me with an odd look on his face. “I’m pretty sure they have yoga here. Why?”
“Oh, I’ve been thinking of going. I want to get my mad-dog on.” I beamed at him. And I want to lose an extra 20 pounds, I thought to myself.
“Mad-dog?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “This is a term you use regularly?”
“Well, you know. Flying monkeys and mad-dogs.” I had no idea what I was talking about. I had tried a few yoga poses once on Gayle’s Wii and had fallen over after five seconds of trying to hold the pose and had decided to have some cookies instead.
“I’ll take your word for it.” Blake grinned at me. “Though I wouldn’t mind you showing me what a flying monkey looks like after breakfast.”
“Oh, I can show you a flying monkey and a tinky winky after breakfast.” I batted my eyelashes up at him and winked. It seemed that my kiss had done the trick and we were about to get down and dirty.
“Sounds good.” He winked back at me and poured himself some coffee. I was drinking my orange juice and thinking about whether I should let him be the aggressor or not, when I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t shaved in a couple of days.
“Oh shit,” I mumbled under my breath as I casually lifted up my jeans to run my hands up my leg. I felt stubble, and I knew there was no way I was going to have my first roll in the sack with Blake occur when I was as hairy as a baboon.
“What’s wrong?” Blake looked at me in concern.
“Nothing.” I paused. “Well, I was thinking we could take a pass on the yoga after breakfast. Maybe we can go into the City and shop, Um, I mean write and research. I write and you research.” I beamed at him. “That sounds good, right?”
“Uh huh.” Blake’s eyes were twinkling at me. “Sure, Mags.”
“This way, I can get good use out of the iPad you got me. I know it cost, like, 500 dollars.” I smiled at him gratefully, though I would have preferred a Visa gift card to have done what I wanted with.
“Oh, Maggie,” he sighed. “I don’t want you to feel pressured into writing when you are not in the mood. I just want you to have an easy way to write whenever the mood hits you.”
“Okay.” I looked at him blankly.
“Don’t you remember when you were a kid?” He smiled at me fondly. “I remember when I would sleep over and Chad and I would play videogames and you would come running out of your room begging us for a pen and paper so you could write down a great idea for a book you had.”
“Oh, I remember that,” I smiled. “I once wrote a book about two of my favorite teddy bears falling in love.”
“Yeah. So this way, you never have to run around looking for a pen and paper when inspiration hits.” He looked at me impishly. I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion for this handsome man who had bought me an iPad based on a childhood memory, and I leaned over the table and gave him a big kiss on the lips.
“You are the best, William Blake.”
“That’s what I was hoping you would say.” He kissed me back hard, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. That was not the kiss of a chaste man. I stared into his eyes and they were twinkling. “Maybe tonight you can show me how great you think I am?”
“Oh, yeah I can.” I grinned at him and felt butterflies in my stomach. Finally, Blake and I were going to take our relationship to the next level, and I hadn’t had to beg. All of a sudden, I wished that I could spend the day at a spa so I could get ready for him. I needed everything to be perfect. Oh damn, I needed to get a bikini wax. Maybe even a Brazilian wax, even though I had never gotten one before. I’d have to figure something out. “I sure can.”
“Oh great, our food is here.” Blake smiled at the server, and I stared at his plate longingly. The food looked delicious. Much more delicious than the dry pieces of wheat I had in my bowl. I faked a grin and poured some milk into my bowl and munched away, trying to look satisfied. I knew I would have to find a doughnut shop and stuff my face when Blake wasn’t looking. Weetabix certainly wasn’t going to carry me over for a full day of shopping. Well, shopping and writing!
We were in a store called Marks & Spencer when I first noticed all the stares and smiles. Two younger women were smiling at me, and I gave them a wave. “Howdy,” I said as I walked by. I had heard that the Brits thought that all Americans spoke like we were from the South, so I didn’t want to disappoint them.
“Hi!” One of the girls beamed at me and then whispered to her friend and giggled. I looked at them kindly before raising my eyes to Blake. We were Americans, not visitors from Mars.
“I guess the English are a lot friendlier than I thought,” I whispered to Blake as two more girls nodded at me when we were in Woolworths. “People say they are reserved and stiff, but I’ve never had so many people smile and wave at me before in my life.”
“Indeed. It is quite curious.” He looked at me with a puzzled expression. “I’m not really sure why so many people seem to be so excited to see you.”
“Yeah, me either.” I frowned. It was odd. Unless they were all a bunch of recent escapees from a local mental institute. “Have there been any breakouts recently?” I asked Blake curiously.
“Breakouts?” He looked at me in confusion.
“Yes, you know, from mental institutes or something. Whatever they call them here in England.”
“Um, not that I know of. Though that isn’t something I really keep track of.” He paused. “Why, is there something you want to tell me, Maggie? Did you escape from an institute recently?”
I hit his arm and pouted at him. “No need to be rude, Blake.”
“I’m not trying to be rude, Maggie, but where did this question come from?” His look showed me that he did think I was from a loony bin, but two girls interrupted us before could answer him.
“Excuse me, sir.” They spoke directly to Blake. “Do you think we can talk to her, please?”
Blake and I exchanged a glance. This was too weird for both of us.
“Um, you can ask her.” Blake looked at them like they were aliens.
“Sorry, but we thought it best to ask the bodyguard first.” They smiled at me nervously. “We didn’t want you to body-smack us to the ground or anything.”
“What?” Blake sounded confused, and I started to feel a weird feeling in my belly.
“As Maggie’s bodyguard, we thought it best to ask you. Some stars don’t like being talked to directly.” They gushed while sneaking peeks at me. I feel my face start to flush, and heat was rising through my body. I looked at Blake in pretend confusion, but I felt like I was going to faint.
“What star?�
� Blake questioned them and then paused. “And wait. How did you know her name?”
“She’s all over the Internet,” one of the girls gushed. “She was on the front page of the Hollywood Enquirer today.”
“The what?”
“The local gossip mag. It’s got all the latest news on the stars and who’s dating who.” The girl then turned to me. “What’s it like being with Bradley Cooper? And when will the movie be out?”
OMG! I thought I was going to die. I wasn’t sure what went wrong, but my little lie shouldn’t have spread this quickly or publicly. I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew Blake wouldn’t understand, and would likely dump me if he realized what happened. I couldn’t have my first boyfriend in years dump me before we even slept together. How pitiful would that be?
“Let’s go, Blake.” I grabbed his arm quickly and pulled him away from the girls. “Please go back to the institute, girls,” I shouted back to them and then pulled Blake out of the store. The girls were looking at me in confusion, and I felt a sense of regret that I had to treat my first fans that way, but that was preferable to Blake finding out the truth.
“What’s going on here, Maggie?” Blake pulled me to the side of the store and looked at me sternly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I swallowed and tried not to melt as I stared back into his deep blue eyes.
“Maggie Lane, I swear I do not need any drama on this trip.” He sighed. “This is an important case for my firm, and you need to actually finish a book.”
“I know, Blake.” Please don’t dump me.
“I’m going to let that weird encounter go for now. But you had better fix whatever mess you have yourself in, Maggie.”
“Yes, Blake.” How the F am I meant to do that?
“Do you want to go and grab a coffee now?”
“Yes, please.” My voice was low and quiet, and I knew that all I really wanted to do was go back to my room to veg and watch TV and hope that this all blew over soon. “But can it wait for about ten minutes? I just need to pop back into the store for something.” (Like some clothes.)
“Sure.” He sighed. “Just make it quick.”
“Okay.” I ran into the store and grabbed two pairs of jeans, some tops, and a sweater. As I was walking to the counter, I saw a cute dress and quickly grabbed that as well. I just hoped that Blake didn’t ask me why I was always wearing the same clothes. I paid quickly and without incident and ran back outside, where Blake was waiting for me with a huge scowl on his face.
We walked to the coffee shop in silence. Blake was striding ahead of me, and I could tell he was mad at me. I felt my heart beating fast, and I was really worried. I wanted to call Gayle, but I knew she would say it was my own fault. And I started to think that maybe it was. Maybe it was time for me to grow up. As I walked to the coffee shop, I thought about all the drama in my life in the last few months: being signed up for a marathon because I lied about going to the gym, pretending I had written a book when I hadn’t even written a word, countless bad dates from online dating, and thinking Blake was in the CIA coming to recruit me. Even I wouldn’t recruit me for the CIA. Maybe my imagination was too active, and I didn’t have enough of a backbone to say no. And maybe I had a problem with white lies. I resolved to myself that I was going to change.
Blake and I ordered our coffees, but then the cashier waved her hands when we asked what the cost was. She beamed at me and whispered, “There’s no way I could charge you, Mrs. Cooper.” She winked at me, and I smiled weakly, glad that Blake hadn’t heard.
“Oh, thanks.”
I walked away to join Blake, and she called out to me in a singsong voice, “Please just let him know I’m his biggest fan.”
“Will do.” I smiled back at her and kept my eyes averted from Blake’s. Okay, I knew I was in trouble, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it. Somehow, half of England thought I was married to Bradley Cooper, and it wasn’t in my dreams.
7
Dear Diary,
I have had to take drastic measures. I’ve gone and dyed my hair blonde. And well, I quite like it. They say blondes have more fun, and I’m hoping that will turn out to be true. I am planning on a big fancy dinner with Blake and then a night of seduction, which I hope finally seals the deal. I’m also planning on singing to him, a la Marilyn Monroe and her Happy Birthday song to JFK. I’m still trying to decide if it should be in the hotel or at the restaurant. I just want to make sure that Blake’s focus is 100% on me and not the celebrity whores who might hound us because I’m fake-married to Bradley Cooper.
I bought two boxes of L’Oreal dye to make sure the blonde took to my hair. I’d tried to go red a couple of years ago, and my dark hair hadn’t changed at all. I had been so disappointed and frustrated because I had told a guy I’d met online that I had red hair and I didn’t want him to think I was a liar. It turned out that I didn’t care that I had shown up on the first date with my regular dark brown hair, because he was a weirdo who thought he was the second coming of Bozo the Clown. He even wore a red nose on our date. At the time, I thought I was in a Stephen King novel and about to die.
So this time I resolved that I was going to make sure that my hair went blonde. I needed it to; this was going to be my foolproof way of making sure no one recognized me. I’m not even sure how Madeline or her mom had gotten the photo of me, but it was quite uncomplimentary, with big, bushy brown hair. No one would think I was Maggie Cooper if I had long blonde tresses. I sat in the bathroom doing my nails while I waited for the dye to take to my hair. I had poured both bottles into my hair and done an extra layer of streaks to give myself a more sun-kissed look. My scalp was starting to itch and burn, and I bit my lip. I didn’t remember it burning before, but maybe that was because I did it wrong. Halfway through, I decided to pour some bleach I found in the bathroom on my hair as well, just in case the dye didn’t work. I knew for a fact that bleach lightened things. I had plenty of colored clothes with white spots, thanks to me throwing them in a whitewash.
I waited another 15 minutes before jumping into the shower. My scalp had really started stinging, and I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I guessed I could be a dark blonde for now; I didn’t need to have the white-blond hair of Daenerys Targaryen from ‘Game of Thrones.’ I conditioned my hair and sang some of my favorite tunes while imagining Blake’s jaw dropping when he saw me later in the evening. I giggled to myself as I pictured myself as the slinky—well, somewhat slinky—blonde bombshell crooning to my man. I was busy laughing to myself as I got out of the shower and started drying myself. And then I looked in the mirror and screamed bloody murder.
“Oh, my gosh!!!” I screamed again, blinking rapidly, hoping that something was wrong with my vision. For there, reflecting back at me, was a monster with green hair and white blotches. My hair looked like the skin of an anemic alien that had chicken pox.
“Oh, my God, Oh my God!” I jumped back into the shower and grabbed the bottle of shampoo and poured half of it on top of my head and started scrubbing. It didn’t help that my poor scalp cried out in pain as my fingers scrubbed. I didn’t care. I just needed the green to be gone. After about 15 minutes of hardcore scrubbing, I got out of the shower with my eyes closed, too scared to look in the mirror.
“Ok, count down to one, Maggie,” I said to myself, trying to remain calm. “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5.” I opened my eyes quickly, too impatient to wait until I got to zero, and started screaming again. If anything, my hair looked worse. The green reminded me of some sort of mutant vile fluorescent green, and I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. I dragged my clothes on and ran to the bedroom, panicking.
“Maggie, you there?” I heard Blake’s voice through the door as he knocked on it.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Can I come in for a moment?”
“ Um, just a sec.” I ran to the bathroom and wrapped the towel around my head. “Coming.” I walked to the door slowly and opened in casually. “What�
�s up?” I said as I popped my head out the door.
“Can I come in, Maggie?” He raised an eyebrow at me, and I opened the door widely.
“Well of course, you can come in anytime you want.”
“Thanks.” He looked at me oddly, and I stopped pacing around like a crazy person. “So what are you up to?”
“Just relaxing,” I smiled at him brightly and sat down on the edge of the bed. He came and sat next to me and took my hand.
“I wanted to let you know how happy I am that you came on this trip with me, Maggie.” Blake stared into my eyes, and I felt my heart starting to melt. “It means a lot to me that you trust me so much, and I know I’ve been busy and preoccupied lately, but I wanted you to know how happy I am to call you my girlfriend.”
“Really?” I looked at him in surprise. “I thought you were fed up with me.”
“What?” he laughed. “Well, it would be hard to not be fed up with you and your antics every once in a while, but that’s part of the reason why I like you so much, Mags. Life is never dull with you around.”
“I guess not.” I stared at his lips and decided to lean over and kiss him. He tasted sweet and I found myself licking his lips. “Did you just have jellybeans?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Good taste buds.” We fell back onto the bed, and I felt his arms go around me. OMG, this is it, I thought. We are finally going to consummate this relationship. I closed my eyes and was leaning into him, waiting for him to ravish me, when I felt the towel fall off of my head and then heard Blake swear. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Blake in convulsions of laughter.
“What happened to your hair, Maggie?” he gasped out between his laughs.