‘That’s what we’re trying to find out,’ Audrey said.
‘What do you mean?’
Audrey was getting frustrated now. ‘I want to know what’s going on, Harrie.’
‘I don’t understand.’
Audrey was looking closely at Harrie, and she saw the exact moment that her expression changed from bemusement to fear.
‘Honor?’ Harrie said. ‘What have you told them?’
‘Nothing! I’ve told them nothing.’
‘Honor said that you should tell us something,’ Audrey said. ‘What did she mean, Harrie? What’s going on?’
Lisa was sitting up. ‘You guys are worrying me.’
Harrie dropped her shopping bags and perched on the edge of one of the sun loungers, her eyes large in her pale face.
‘Harrie?’ Audrey pressed again.
Harrie sighed. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.’
Chapter 13
It wasn’t quite the scenario Harrie had painted in her mind when she’d thought about this moment. She’d imagined it taking place at night for some reason, all cosy in the living room of the priory, the curtains drawn, with everybody feeling mellow after a few glasses of wine. Instead, they were all sitting outside in the glaring sunshine. There was no way to hide out here, she thought. She felt as if the sun was a gigantic spotlight pointing directly at her. She was alone in this and she had to do it because she was causing everyone so much distress by not telling them. She could see that now. Honor was angry and Audrey was suspicious and Lisa was looking as if she might possibly faint. It was time.
‘Harrie? Whatever it is, I think we need to know,’ Audrey said gently.
Harrie nodded. ‘I know you do.’
Wrapping her towel around her body, Honor took a seat next to her mother and held her hand.
‘It’s the right thing to do,’ Honor said encouragingly.
‘Yes.’
Harrie looked at the anxious faces of Audrey and Lisa, knowing that this was their last few moments of being blissfully unaware of what was happening. She’d hoped to keep this from them for as long as possible. Indeed, she’d changed her mind about telling them at all.
‘Harrie?’ Lisa prompted, and Harrie took a deep breath.
‘You’re right,’ she began. ‘I wanted us to spend this summer together because there was something I was going to tell you. But then – well – you’ve been through so much, Aud, and I didn’t want to add to that burden so I changed my mind.’
Harrie closed her eyes, wishing she could slowly disappear and re-emerge somewhere far from this place. This wasn’t how it was meant to happen. She didn’t feel ready. But, if she was perfectly honest with herself, when would she be ready? When would be the right time? There was no right time for something like this, was there?
She opened her eyes and looked at the beautiful faces of her friends again. They had no idea what was coming, did they? She held the power right now in this moment. But, the time had come. It was why she’d gathered them here, after all.
‘I’m not well.’
The words sounded so strange to her still. As long as she didn’t say them aloud, she could almost believe it wasn’t true.
The silence that greeted her was almost overpowering.
‘Say something,’ Harrie whispered. ‘Please!’
‘What exactly do you mean by “not well”?’ Audrey asked, leaning forward slightly and shielding her eyes from the sun.
Harrie saw the fear in her friend’s face and, as much as she hated to go on, she knew she was committed now.
‘Cancer.’
‘What?’ Lisa cried.
‘Breast cancer,’ Harrie went on, feeling Honor gently squeezing her hand. ‘I had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiotherapy . . .’
‘So the scar I noticed earlier was to do with that?’
Harrie nodded. ‘The mastectomy was four years ago now.’
‘Why didn’t you say something before?’ Audrey asked.
Harrie sighed. ‘I couldn’t.’
‘Why not? Aren’t we your friends? I don’t understand how you kept this from us for so long. To go through all that . . .’
Harrie could see the tears sparkling in her friend’s eyes.
‘I wanted to spare you. I thought – I knew I could cope.’
‘But nobody should have to just cope,’ Audrey pointed out.
‘I had Honor,’ Harrie said. ‘She’s been such a star. I couldn’t have done it all without her.’
‘You could have, Mum. You’re stronger than you think.’
Harrie turned to look at her daughter and they shared a sad smile.
‘So that’s it, then? You’ve had all the treatment and you’re okay?’ Audrey asked. It was the question Harrie had been dreading and which she’d known would come.
‘I’m afraid not. I went into remission and had three cancer-free years, didn’t I?’ She turned to Honor, who nodded, her eyes shiny with tears. ‘We did all sorts of fun things, didn’t we? And I’m so glad we did. But, just before Christmas, I had a scan and they found another tumour.’
‘Oh, Harrie!’ Audrey cried. Suddenly she was on her knees in front of her, her arms wrapped around her in a tight embrace. Harrie wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but it wasn’t this. Audrey was normally so reserved. It was Lisa who was the demonstrative one, but their roles seemed to have been switched with Harrie’s revelation, and Lisa sat stone-still on her sun lounger.
‘Mum?’ Honor said. ‘I’m going to take the shopping in, okay?’
It was sweet of Honor to give her some time with her friends, Harrie thought. She could be so wonderfully mature like that sometimes.
‘You should’ve told us!’ Audrey said again, once Honor had left them. ‘I can’t believe we didn’t know what you were going through.’ She cursed. ‘We’ve been terrible friends!’
‘No, you haven’t!’
‘We shouldn’t have lost touch like we did.’
‘But we didn’t. We’ve been busy, that’s all. We’ve all been leading our own lives.’
‘That’s no excuse! We should have been there for you, Harrie.’ Audrey loosened her embrace and sat back. ‘Are you having treatment for this tumour?’
Harrie shook her head. ‘The cancer’s spread now. It’s too late for treatment to be successful even if I wanted to go through it, which I don’t.’
‘Really?’ Audrey’s voice was incredulous.
‘I’ve decided to go for quality of life over quantity this time,’ Harrie told her.
‘But surely there’s a chance it would work? Shouldn’t you at least give it a try?’
Harrie shook her head. ‘The chemo made me feel so ill before and I didn’t want to go through that again.’
‘But what have they said? What exactly did they say?’ Audrey persisted.
Harrie knew what she was asking. ‘You mean how long do I have?’
She saw Audrey swallow hard.
‘My oncologist didn’t want to give me a timeframe. Everyone’s different, you see. It’s impossible to know really, but I did press for an estimate and he was a bit vague. He told me that I’d be able to enjoy the summer, but that it was unlikely that I’d see Christmas.’
Audrey’s mouth fell open, but no words came out.
‘It’s fine,’ Harrie said. ‘I’d kind of been expecting it.’
‘Fine?’ Audrey’s voice was a squeak. ‘How can you say that? It’s not fine!’
‘But I feel good. I really do,’ Harrie assured her. ‘I just get a bit tired, that’s all. But I’ve got my medication and . . .’ Her voice petered out as she saw the pain in Audrey’s face. She turned to Lisa. She still hadn’t said anything.
‘Lisa?’
Lisa stared at Harrie for what seemed an inordinate amount of time and then she got up.
‘Where are you going?’ Audrey asked, grabbing her by the hand as she passed.
‘I’m going for a swim.’ She shook her hand f
ree of Audrey’s and Harrie watched as Lisa walked to the edge of the pool and jumped in.
Audrey got up as if to stop her. ‘Lisa!’
‘Leave her,’ Harrie said. ‘She just needs time. I’ve kind of sprung this on you.’
‘I’m going after her,’ Audrey said.
‘You’re going to jump in the pool?’ Harrie asked with a laugh. ‘Just leave her, Aud. She’ll process it in her own way.’
Audrey turned to her, her eyes like large wounds in her face. ‘How can you be so calm about all of this?’
Harrie took a moment before answering. ‘Because I’ve had time to think about it. I mean, really think about it.’
Audrey took a seat beside her. ‘Please tell me that your sense of humour has taken a real dive over the years and that this is some kind of horrible joke.’
Harrie shook her head. ‘It isn’t a joke. I wish it was.’
‘Harrie!’
Harrie took her friend’s hands in hers. ‘It’s okay,’ she assured her.
‘How can it be okay? You’re dying!’
‘We’re all dying.’
‘Yes, but not before Christmas!’
‘Maybe not,’ Harrie said. ‘You know, I once looked up the number of deaths from cancer each year in the UK. It’s over one hundred thousand. Isn’t that astounding? So I won’t be the only one and there’ll be a mighty fine welcoming party for me wherever I’m heading. And, believe it or not, there’s actually a strange kind of comfort in knowing when your time’s coming.’
For a few awful moments, Audrey could do nothing but cry and Harrie let her, stroking her dark hair and telling her that it was all right. This was exactly what she’d done her best to postpone for so many years. When she’d first been diagnosed, she hadn’t wanted her friends to know the fear she’d felt, and then her natural optimism had kicked in and she’d sincerely hoped that they’d never need to know because she would be all right, and indeed she had been for a while.
Audrey gave a gargantuan sniff. ‘So that scar I saw? That was just the beginning for you, wasn’t it?’
Harrie nodded. ‘I’m sorry I lied to you. I hated myself for doing that.’
‘I can see why you did.’
‘You can?’
Audrey nodded. ‘I might have done the same.’ She gave her a strange little laugh. ‘I probably wouldn’t, though. I’m too much of a coward.’
‘You’d be amazed at how brave you can be when you need to be.’
‘Oh, god, Harrie! I can’t bear it. The thought of you—’
‘Don’t say it!’
‘You’re too young. It’s not fair!’
‘There are plenty younger than me that have been taken.’
‘Yes, but they’re not my best friend!’ Audrey stated. ‘Oh, my god! Honor! How is she coping?’
‘She’s been pretty amazing actually,’ Harrie said. ‘We’ve had our moments, of course, but she’s really been there for me.’
‘That’s why she was so angry at us before – when we were barking orders at you for shopping.’
‘You weren’t barking!’
‘She was so defensive of you.’
‘I know. I’ve had to rein her in a bit.’
Audrey’s eyes were filling with tears again. ‘Harrie!’
Harrie opened her arms and hugged her friend as she sobbed. ‘I’m so sorry. I really didn’t want to do this to you. You’re meant to be relaxing. Mike would kill me!’
Audrey leaned back and dried her eyes on the light sleeves of her blouse. ‘You’re worrying about me?’
‘Of course I am! I’m pretty much done with worrying about myself.’
‘Really?’ Audrey’s face creased into disbelief.
‘Well, I’ve come to . . .’ Her voice petered out again. ‘I’ve come to an understanding about it. It’s exhausting being worried all the time when there’s nothing that can be done.’
Audrey looked truly amazed by this statement. ‘You’re incredible, Harrie. If I was you, I’d be going out of my mind.’
‘Oh, I’ve done that a few times already.’
Audrey gave a rueful smile. ‘Are you sure they haven’t made a mistake? I mean, is there somebody else you can see? Some specialist in America or Europe or somewhere?’
‘Or someone who sits cross-legged on a mat in India?’ Harrie suggested.
‘Yes!’ Audrey cried. ‘Anything! I’ll pay for the flight. I’ll come with you.’
Harrie shook her head. ‘I’ve spent hour upon hour on the Internet. I’ve researched everything you can think of and then a bit more.’
‘But you’re still eating all that health food. Do you think that might cure it?’
Harrie shook her head. ‘Nothing’s going to cure it.’
‘So why put yourself through the horror of kale?’
Harrie had to laugh at that. ‘Believe it or not, I’ve rather developed a taste for greens and it feels good to eat them. It’s a strange way to look at it, but having cancer has made me the healthiest I’ve ever been! It’s made me want to fight for my body in ways I’ve never done before. They say that you take your health for granted and that’s really true. I know just how badly I was abusing my body before I got ill. I was running on empty. I just assumed it would do exactly what I needed it to do without putting any real goodness into it.’ Harrie shook her head. ‘When I think of all the junk food I used to eat!’
Audrey nodded. ‘I think I might be guilty of that too.’
Harrie took hold of her friend’s hands again. ‘But it’s not too late for you, is it?’
‘You mean I should eat kale?’
‘Why not?’ Harrie laughed. ‘Although I ate bloody heaps of the stuff and the cancer still came back.’
Audrey winced and Harrie leaned towards her. ‘Just promise me you’ll take good care of yourself.’
Audrey nodded and her eyes were shiny with tears once again. ‘I will.’
‘Because I’ll come back and haunt you if you don’t.’
‘I believe you.’
‘You’ll be sitting on the sofa about to swig your third can of cola of the day when I’ll drop a fat apple into your lap!’
Audrey laughed, her tears spilling down her cheeks. ‘You do that! But, in the meantime, I’m going to look after you.’
Harrie shook her head. ‘Absolutely not. I can take care of myself.’
‘Well, at least let me make you a cup of tea?’
Harrie smiled. ‘You go ahead and have one. I’m going to sit here a while and see if I can talk to Lisa.’
Audrey got up and walked to the edge of the pool. ‘She’s got to surface at some point.’
‘And I’ll be right here when she does.’
Audrey bent down close to the water.
‘What are you doing?’ Harrie asked.
‘I’m going to get her for you.’ Audrey was on her knees now.
‘You’ll get wet!’
But Audrey wasn’t deterred. ‘LISA!’ she cried as their friend approached the shallow end. ‘Get out of the water!’
‘She won’t hear you,’ Harrie said.
‘She can hear me just fine. She’s only pretending she can’t.’ Audrey took a deep breath and tried again. ‘LISA!’ She dipped her right hand into the pool and banged on the side, sending angry little waves up her arm.
‘Leave it, Aud. Please.’
Audrey turned around and stood back up. ‘She’s being ridiculous.’
‘She’s just handling it differently. You know what happened to her mother and how awful that was for her.’
‘Yes, I do, but this isn’t about her – it’s about you.’ Audrey moved forward and gave Harrie another big hug. ‘You are so kind. I don’t know how you can be so patient with her.’
‘Not patient,’ Harrie said. ‘I understand her a little, that’s all. You know, if I could have got away without telling you both, I would have done, but Honor kind of forced my hand, didn’t she? I really wanted to spare you both. I’ve been drea
ding – absolutely dreading – telling Lisa. Remember all those sleepless nights she had when she’d just cry and cry? And we couldn’t do anything to help except hold her?’
‘I remember.’
‘So I think we should try and understand how she might respond to all this now.’
Audrey sighed. ‘You’re amazing, Harrie.’
‘I thought you were going to make some tea.’
Audrey looked at her quizzically. ‘You’re not going to use this cancer to boss us all around, are you?’
‘There have got to be some benefits!’
Harrie watched as Audrey walked back to the priory and then she turned towards the pool. Lisa was still swimming mad lengths, her arms slicing through the water. She’d always been a natural swimmer – graceful and fast, she made it look effortless. Harrie, on the other hand, moved through the water with all the grace of a truck. It wasn’t her natural element and, although she liked to swim, she knew her limitations.
Harrie stood and walked to the water’s edge, wondering how long it would be before Lisa stopped swimming and started talking to her. She could only imagine what was going through her mind. Once again, she hated the cancer for what it was doing not only to her but to those around her. What was it somebody at the hospital had once said to her? ‘Cancer – the gift that keeps on taking.’ If Harrie could have kept her condition to herself she would have willingly, but that hadn’t been possible with all the hospital appointments. She had needed to turn to her daughter and now she felt she needed her friends too.
‘Lisa?’ she called as she reached the shallow end. ‘You can’t ignore me forever.’
Lisa placed her hands on the edge of the pool and hauled herself out, grabbing her towel a moment later and drying herself quickly.
‘Lisa?’ Harrie persisted. ‘Did you hear what I said?’
Still, Lisa didn’t look at her.
‘I need to know—’
‘I heard you!’ Lisa cried, and the two women stared at each other for a long moment.
‘Okay,’ Harrie said. ‘I just wanted to make sure . . .’
One Last Summer Page 17