“Then why does it feel like goodbye?” he demanded softly, his voice breaking at last.
She didn’t answer that; she only bit her lip and turned for the door.
“How long do you need?” he asked, unable to help himself.
Mara looked over her shoulder at him, one hand on the door. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But I hope not long.” She smiled again, then left the room, the click of the closing door sounding more like the clanging of a jail cell.
And just as ominous.
“Finish up strong, kids! Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight, jump!”
Mara bit back a laugh even as she jumped from side to side with the kids, watching as half of them were offbeat but their energy was high. They had all been great today, doing everything she had asked without whining or complaint, and some of the routines they had been working on were coming much easier to them now. They were following along without as much trouble, and some of the kids who had been struggling most were actually getting things now.
It was one of the days where she was glad she was doing this; not just for the kids but for herself.
She had accomplished something with this class, which was more than she could say for anything else lately.
One week since she had seen Zane. Or talked to him. Or texted him.
One minute since she had thought of him, but one week since she’d had any connection with him.
One week felt like one year.
She stood by her decision to take a breather, but it had been agony. After the intensity of their almost constant communication and spending every available moment together, the expanse of nothing was just acutely painful. It had taken regular reminders to herself that this had been her call, that she hadn’t been abandoned, and that she needed to use this time wisely.
The amount of tears she had cried might not have been wise, but they had given her more to consider.
She loved Zane, wildly and deeply. She wanted nothing more than to drop everything and rush over to his house just to be in his arms for one minute more.
The yearning for him hadn’t subsided during the week; it had only intensified. Settled in. Taken root.
She couldn’t have claimed a honeymoon phase when she had cut off all contact with him. She couldn’t have claimed he’d swayed her, charmed her into staying, or that she hadn’t had her eyes open. They were wide open, and what she was seeing was devastating.
This wasn’t a whirlwind she had been caught up in; this was real.
Really real.
She smiled as she remembered Zane saying the same thing to her only a few weeks ago, when all this had started. It had felt real to her then, but it was nothing compared to how she felt now.
Time away from Zane had made her want him all the more.
And that was real too.
“And now the big finish!” she called out to her class. They marched in place forward and backwards with her, then jumped to the left, the right, and clapped their way up to the front of the room where she was, punching the air as the song ended.
“Woohoo!” Mara cheered and grinned down at them all. “That was the best one yet! Give yourselves a hand!”
The kids clapped and cheered, a few giggling as they did so.
Mara heaved a sigh, wiping her brow. “Okay, that’s all for today. Get your stuff and go see Miss Hannah. We’ll see you next week.”
They trickled away in small groups, spreading out to grab their things from the edges of the room, and started to file out towards the desk.
“Miss Mara!”
A lump formed in Mara’s throat in an instant as a small body slammed itself against her, tiny arms wrapping around her waist in a tight embrace. Tears welled as Mara instinctively reached down to return the hug, and she sniffed them back, blinking hard. “Hi, pumpkin. How are you?”
“So good,” Hope replied, pulling back to look up at her. “My grandmas gave me the stuffed animal I wanted from the store in the mall! We went to build it right after my birthday party at Grandma Rae’s house.”
Mara sank to the floor, smiling warmly and taking Hope’s hand in hers. “That sounds awesome! Did you have a fun birthday party with your family?”
Hope nodded eagerly, her pigtails bouncing with the motion. “Papa Tom let me drive his truck around the neighborhood with him, and Aunt Julie made a ginormous cake. It had like three levels, Miss Mara, and it was all pink!”
“Was it yummy?” Mara asked, throat tightening with emotion and a wistful wish that she had stayed for that party, if for no other reason than to see Hope experience it.
“Delicious,” Hope gushed. “I had so many presents that Daddy had to put them in a box to mail to us. He said I was not getting any presents next year because I had so many this year.” She rolled her eyes, then giggled. “He’s so silly like that.”
The mention of Zane caught Mara in the chest, and for a moment, breathing and swallowing were impossible. “It sounds like you had the bestest party ever, sweetheart. I’m sorry I missed it.”
Hope grinned at her and gave her another hug. “That’s okay. Daddy said you had to go home. Did you have a good time?”
The sweetness of the question almost brought Mara to tears again, and the fact that there was no other question, no resentment, no my daddy misses you added to it made everything more perfect.
Mara held the precious girl tightly for a moment, swallowing hard. “Not as good as your party would have been, but that’s okay. Thank you for asking.”
“Daddy says it’s supposed to get warm next week,” Hope stated as she pulled back again. “Maybe we can go to the park. Want to go with us?”
“I would love to,” Mara told her, rubbing her arms. “We’ll see what our schedule looks like, okay?”
Hope nodded before dashing over to pick up her coat. “Bye, Miss Mara. I’m gonna go get pancakes with Daddy now!”
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask to come with, but she clamped her teeth down to stop herself and only waved. She watched Hope dash out of the room and was unable to stop herself from following, her pace much slower than the girl’s rapid-fire one.
The large windows of the gym were both a blessing and a curse as Mara made her way through the machines, following Josie and Hope at a far enough distance to not be seen. She barely saw them, her attention focused on the parking lot through the tinted windows, eyes scanning for the tall form she loved most in the world.
Her breath caught as she saw him on the sidewalk waiting, baseball cap on his head, hands in the pockets of his coat, his eyes on the building. He wouldn’t be able to see her, thanks to the protective tinting of the windows, but nothing obstructed her view of him. He was more gorgeous than she had ever seen him, and far and away more casually dressed than she had ever seen him. His expression was unreadable, but he looked tired somehow, his eyes almost lazily tracing over the facade of the gym as a whole.
They stopped on the windows, and for a breathless heartbeat, Mara thought he could see her. Then his gaze dropped lower, staring at nothing. She watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed, and her heart did a similar motion in response.
He was looking for her.
There was no reason she should suspect that, and no way she could know for sure, but her heart wouldn’t listen to logic. Zane was looking for her. Was missing her. Wanted her.
This past week had almost killed her, but what had it done to him? Had he understood what she had been saying? Would he hate her for leaving like that? Did he believe that she loved him?
I love you so much, Mara, and this is it.
His words echoed in her mind, and she grasped onto them tightly. She had to believe that still held; she had to.
Holding Hope in her arms had felt like breathing fresh air, and seeing Zane now, knowing he couldn’t see her, might as well have been sinking into a warm bath at the end of a long day. It settled the decision in her mind and heart in an instant, with more clarity than the last week had brought her, even after h
ours and hours of endless debates with herself.
They were her home. And she desperately wanted to come home.
Mara stepped away from the window, smiling to herself, and returned to the kids section of the gym. She had one more class to teach, and then she was free for the rest of the day.
Her first stop would be the only one that mattered.
An hour later, showered and moderately put together, Mara got into her car, wishing she’d thought to bring something more appealing than jeans and a sweater to wear. But she had only planned on going back to the bakery to help with the St. Patrick’s Day treats for the new promo photos, so comfortable would be more important than fashionable.
If she made it to the bakery at all today, she would be grateful she had chosen this ensemble.
But that was a very big if.
Her family had been remarkably quiet about her separation from Zane, not asking any questions or, seemingly, expecting any explanation. But when Mara had told her mom she wouldn’t be over to the bakery until later, that she needed to see Zane first, the response had told her all she needed to know.
Good.
So there was that.
Mara shook her head as she drove towards Zane’s house. She couldn’t even have music on in the car, she was so nervous. How could something that felt so right give her this much anxiety? It just wasn’t fair.
“It’s your own fault,” she reminded herself, gulping down a lump as she pulled into the neighborhood. “You’re the one who decided on this break.”
She exhaled slowly as she passed the few houses before his, then slowed when the familiar exterior of his place came into view. Her heart shot into her throat, pounding there with a fury that made her slightly nauseated. After pulling in front of the house, she put the car in park and turned off the ignition, shoving her door open before she could think too much about what she was doing. She had done way too much thinking already.
“Can I help you?”
Mara jumped and whirled to her left, one hand flying to her chest.
A middle-aged man with a thick, muscular build stood in the neighbor’s driveway, staring at her intently, his smile polite but also intimidating.
Oh boy.
“I’m . . .” She swallowed hastily. “I’m here to see Zane.”
“Uh-huh.” His smile flicked just a little, his hands slowly going to his hips. “And you are?”
Crap. What was her name?
It clicked suddenly that Zane had told her his neighbor was a cop, and everything slid into place.
“Mara,” she told the neighbor, trying for a smile. “Mara Matthews. I’m . . . a friend of the family.”
The neighbor chuckled, and his stance eased, though Mara’s tension didn’t. “I know a little about you, Mara Matthews, but we’ll call you a friend of the family for now. I’m Steve.” He waved, this time much more friendly. “Zane isn’t home right now. They’re still out getting pancakes.”
Mara hissed under her breath and looked at the house with a wince. “Great. Waiting. It just had to get worse.”
“Sorry for the interrogation,” Steve went on, oblivious to Mara’s current state of mind. “Ever since Chicago, I’ve taken to being a little more protective.”
A flinch screeched across Mara’s face, and she looked back at Steve reluctantly. “Really?”
Steve shrugged. “Zane hasn’t asked me to or anything, but I take an interest. That little girl is something special, and her daddy does his best for her. I may offer my services as a security detail if he has another event, but that might be too much.”
Mara had to smile at that, and she folded her arms, moving in his direction. “Maybe, but you never know.” She sighed and looked back at Zane’s house. “Any idea when they might be back?”
“Well, I can’t be positive,” Steve drawled, scratching at his chin, “but that right there could be Zane’s car pulling into the neighborhood now.”
Mara whirled, gasping and half choking on a swallow while her eyes frantically scanned the street. Sure enough, Zane’s dark SUV was heading in their direction. And there was no time to move her car or run or make a second attempt at an entrance. She just had to stand here.
Waiting.
She tried for another swallow, but it, too, got caught in her throat.
Her legs shook with the urge to run, and it was all she could do to lock her knees. She would not run from this. From him.
From them.
She took two steps back as his car pulled into the driveway, but her eyes found Zane and refused to look anywhere else.
His eyes seemed intent on doing the same.
He parked the car in the driveway, a good distance from the garage, and sat in his seat while the other doors opened. Just staring at Mara.
“Come on, Hopey-Dope,” Josie’s voice came from the other side of the vehicle. “Last one inside is a lima bean!”
Car doors slammed, and Mara saw in her peripheral vision Hope and Josie racing towards the house in a flurry of legs, neither saying a word to her.
Mara swallowed, her entire being focused on and attuned to Zane. Zane, who still sat in his car. Zane, who still stared at her.
Zane, who inhaled, exhaled, opened his door, and stepped out.
“Hey, Zane,” Steve called out, his voice dropping with laughter.
Zane closed the door of his car and leaned his back against it, eyes on Mara. “Steve.”
Mara could hear laughter behind her as Steve walked back up the drive to his house, and then she felt her lungs heave on a relieved breath of air.
They were alone.
“Hi,” Mara said softly, the word sounding lame but making her eyes burn all the same.
Zane didn’t move. “Hi.”
She didn’t know how to take that, how to respond to that, and she forced her knees to unlock, if only to keep from passing out on the cement in front of him.
“You’re here.” His voice wasn’t quite flat, but the intonation was unreadable. Not happy, not mad, and not giving anything away.
Mara nodded. “I’m here.”
“What does that mean?” He slid his hands into his pockets, which did nothing to ease the tension in his frame. “I’m afraid to ask, quite frankly. I’ve been climbing the walls for a week, and this . . .” He shrugged, the thought going unfinished.
“I’m sorry,” Mara whispered, her voice breaking. “Not for what I did, but for how it hurt you. I stand by it, and you have to know why.”
To her surprise, he nodded back. “Yeah. Took me a few days, but I got it. You were right. Hope and I come with a full carousel of baggage, and I don’t want anyone significantly in our lives who isn’t sure they’re going to stay there. I don’t think I would have been able to handle it if . . . well, you know.” His mouth finally lifted in a small, crooked smile. “Thanks for being smarter than me here.”
She managed a weak smile back. “Smart didn’t make it any easier. You do everything in life the way you play hockey, Zane. All heart, all energy, everything you have at all times. It’s a beautiful, amazing part of you, maybe the part I love best, and I just . . .” She swallowed once. “I wanted to be able to do the same for you. I had to make sure that you wouldn’t have someone else in your life who changed her mind about being there. I didn’t want you to be hurt again.”
Zane straightened up. “You aren’t Michelle, Mara. You never could be.”
“I know, but when it comes down to it, she left you both. She wasn’t ready.” Feeling something strong and warm spreading through her spine, she lifted her chin, her smile growing. “I needed to know if I was ready.”
Zane stilled, his chest barely moving, his eyes more intense than she had ever seen them. “And?”
Mara exhaled softly and took a step towards him. “I’m here.”
He didn’t move except for his eyes, which lowered to her feet and traced the entire length of her up, bringing a blush into her cheeks when his gaze returned to hers. “You understand what
this means, right? You cross that distance between us, there’s no going back.”
She tilted her head, eyes narrowing a little as a ticklish excitement began to settle in. “But you want me to cross it, right?”
Zane exhaled a rough laugh, taking his hat off and running his hands through his hair. “I’m barely hanging on, honestly. But I’m going to.” He sobered and dropped his hat, pushing away from his car just a little. “This is your call. You just have to understand: you make it over here, and I’m not letting you go. Ever. That’s what we’re talking about here. I love you. That’s only become more real to me in the last week. It’s a lot to ask, and it’s really early in this relationship, but those are the stakes for me. All in or nothing at all.”
Mara stared at him, the weight of this moment not lost on her. Her heart pounded furiously, but not with fear, nerves, or doubt.
It was love. Soaring, sweeping, ridiculously overwhelming love.
This was it.
She crossed over to him with confident steps and stopped directly before him, looking him dead in the eye. “In,” she said firmly, leaving no doubt.
Zane exhaled heavily in relief. “Good.” He took her face in his hands and crushed his lips to hers, nothing tentative or hesitant in their attentions. His kisses were both ferocious and fearless, lingering enough to make her tingle, teasing enough to make her squirm, but each and every one wrung pleasure from her in a way that only he could do. That only he had ever done.
She arched into him, pulling herself closer, and he cradled her there, his fingers clutching against her sweater, telling her far more than his words might have. Again and again his mouth took hers, again and again she took his, and when her arms twined tightly around his neck, his hold increased. When she sighed into him, he smiled against her lips. When their lips faintly parted, he simply held her in his arms without speaking, breathing with her until their heartbeats settled into the same steady rhythm.
“I love you,” Mara whispered against him, not particularly caring if the words were audible or intelligible.
But he heard them, and he turned his head so his lips could sear the edge of her ear as he said, “I love you too. Cinnamon speckled, rosy cheeked, sweat drenched, and all. Flame is always on here, Mara. Always.”
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