Little Spirit

by DaNeo Duran

  ‘A fort you was just bullin’ when yer said she’s comin’ back. Shi’d better not be stoppin’ in mar room.’

  ‘Jayne, you don’t live here anymore. Why you here anyway?’

  ‘Just gitten mare stuff eh.’ Jayne made her way into the living room and sat on the arm of Alan’s chair to hug him. ‘Arrite Dad.’

  He welcomed and reciprocated his daughter’s hug. ‘Arrite lass, how ya deeing?’

  ‘Good fanx.’ She kissed his head and rose smiling at the trio in the hall communicating her pride in finding favour with him.

  You want his affection? Amy thought, you’re welcome to it. Jayne’s smile disappeared as she looked at Katherine before dashing upstairs. Amy felt invisible.

  Upstairs, after Jayne had left, Katherine and Amy arranged to share her old room. Alan went to bed with Barbara close on his heels. Amy climbed into the spare bed not relaxed but relieved to have Katherine so close by.

  Saturday 01st October 1983

  Before morning Amy dreamed of a terrifying black smoke chasing her. She found Danny but he couldn’t summon the courage to help. Left fending for herself she accepted the fear but found it passing as it became apparent that the smoke had no grounds to hurt her.

  Partially waking, Amy recalled her surroundings. Opening one eye she saw Katherine sleeping across the room. Analysing the dream she decided the smoke had been Alan and that despite his nastiness he had no reason to harm her.

  Danny, on the other hand, had and would surely let her down. With improved self-esteem Amy’s feelings clarified realising she couldn’t count on him to love or rescue her.

  Rising before Katherine, Amy found Barbara in the kitchen. Harmless or not she nevertheless smiled when Barbara told her that Alan had left early for his job interview.

  Learning more about her, Amy decided she liked Barbara believing she hadn’t a bad bone in her but wondered how she tolerated Alan’s bullying to the point of alienating her daughter.

  Barbara said, ‘I’ve been very good at pretending things are alright; losing Katherine’s made me see otherwise.’

  ‘But, what’s Katherine done to make her dad so angry?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Barbara said looking at the floor. ‘She’s only ever been a good girl.’

  Well there must be some reason, Amy thought.

  She looked past Barbara to a photo and asked, ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Years ago with Alan. Hard to believe now.’

  ‘You look incredible,’ Amy said studying the teenage couple. ‘Easy to see where Katherine gets her good looks.’

  ‘And just look at the trouble that’s brought her. Beauty’s more trouble than it’s worth.’

  ‘You can’t mean that,’ Amy said when Barbara touched the frame sentimentally.

  Barbara told her that she had been born into relative wealth; a strict East Cumbrian family who provided equipment to farms throughout Cumbria.

  She’d travelled to farms with her father and met Alan, at the time a young farmhand.

  ‘My dad despised him and the way he looked at me his virgin daughter. But at seventeen that got me curious. Alan’s dirtiness got the better of me and within weeks I fell pregnant with Katherine’s sister, Sarah.’

  Amy learnt Barbara’s parents had hit the roof and insisted on an abortion. But Alan’s staunchly Catholic family fiercely opposed, applying pressure in equal amounts.

  ‘Not able to please both families I caved to Alan’s request and without the blessing of my parents married on my eighteenth birthday. I’ve never spoken to my parents since.’

  Instead she’d been dedicated to her husband and girls none of whom had met their maternal grandparents.

  ‘I knew marrying Alan was a mistake even before the vows but when you’re responsible for a child your own happiness or misery becomes irrelevant.’

  ‘So you were miserable?’

  ‘Yes but I didn’t dare think of leaving. I hardly had time to think before Katherine came along.’

  ‘Alan’s favourite,’ Amy said sarcastically.

  Barbara shook her head as if to be free of her comment. ‘Alan became aggressively insecure. He hated other men looking at me. I cursed my beauty. When Katherine turned out so beautiful I worried and warned her. Now look at her. I don’t know what to make of this Saint Tropez drama.’

  ‘Despite your reasons I can’t agree,’ Amy said. ‘Katherine’s been teaching me to see myself as beautiful and it’s amazing. She set me homework and I’ve learnt that beauty really is a choice. It starts with decision which brings about changes in posture and facial expression. Katherine’s incredible.’

  When Amy explained her situation and her fantasies of Danny, Barbara said, ‘You deserve better than him.’

  ‘You deserve better than Alan.’ Amy clamped her hand to her mouth. After a silence she asked. ‘Why does he hate Katherine?’

  Barbara looked at Amy for the longest time then said, ‘He hates me too.’

  They heard footsteps. Katherine joined them. ‘Dad not back yet?’

  ‘I don’t know where he is. Hopefully he’s celebrating not drowning his sorrows.’

  Katherine hoped he wouldn’t come back drunk but needn’t have worried.

  By evening he still hadn’t returned. Amy excused herself saying she’d get some fresh air and use a payphone.

  Alone with her mum Katherine showed the photos of Calvin and Little Spirit she’d brought.

  ‘Which one’s Calvin?’ Barbara asked.

  ‘The blond one,’ she said pointing.

  ‘Lovely. Hope he’s good enough for my favourite daughter.’

  ‘What – don’t say things like that,’ Katherine said. But her mum only looked back as if daring Katherine to challenge the statement. Katherine could almost hear her telepathically confirming it.

  In the end Barbara looked back at the photo and asked, ‘Is the dark haired one Amy’s heartthrob?’

  ‘Yeah, Danny.’

  ‘Another handsome lad, on second glance. He looks tough.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Is he?’

  ‘He a pussy. He leads the band but leaves the confrontation for Calvin to sort out.’

  ‘Oh, so Calvin’s the tough guy?’

  ‘He does okay,’ Katherine said smiling.

  ‘And who’s the skinny poser?’

  ‘Raphael, the drummer.’

  ‘Looks like he fancies himself.’

  ‘He’s cool.’

  ‘He knows it doesn’t he?’

  ‘Never doubts it.’

  * * *

  Not wanting to be on the house phone should Alan return, Amy jogged to the payphone opposite the club. Not wanting to speak to Danny she rang friends trusting Katherine would ring the flat.

  Afterwards she looked at her remaining change and decided on another Greater London number. With 5p piece poised she waited for the phone to be answered.

  ‘Hello—’

  Pip-pip-pip-pip-pip.

  In went the coin. ‘Hi Mum, I just wanted to say I love you.’

  Sunday 02nd October 1983

  Next morning in the kitchen Katherine asked her mum, ‘Where’s Dad, didn’t he come home?’

  ‘He didn’t. But I think that most likely means he got the job.’

  Not understanding that reasoning Katherine asked, ‘Has he stayed out before?’

  ‘Now and again.’ Barbara busied herself at the sink.

  An hour later Alan did come home. He dragged Barbara by the hand from the kitchen ignoring Katherine and Amy. The girls listened as his voice carried from the bedroom upstairs. He told her he’d accepted the job but she’d not see any earnings from it.

  ‘All the DHSS benefits will stop. How am I supposed to live?’ Barbara said.

  ‘Gerra job. I ‘ave, eh?’

  ‘You’ve never allowed me a job,’ she said with comparative calm especially considering how emotional she’d been upon Katherine’s return.

  ‘That’s cause ye was brinin’ up mar d
aughters. But thev’arl left now se ye ken gerra job. They divent need yer and Ar divent need t’ be wasting marr money on ye.’

  * * *

  Later that afternoon Katherine and Amy packed ready to go.

  ‘Lunch?’ Barbara said trying to sound bright.

  ‘Not here,’ Katherine said. ‘Get your coat you can see us to the bus station.’

  At the door Barbara asked, ‘Aren’t you going to say bye to your dad?’

  ‘Bye Dad,’ Katherine called impassively. No response. Barbara gave her a certain look. ‘Bye Dad,’ Katherine said louder.

  ‘Maybe he can’t hear you,’ Barbara said meekly.

  ‘BYE, DAD!’ Katherine screamed glaring at her mum waiting for the response that wouldn’t come.

  ‘Right, stuff him,’ Barbara said. ‘Stuff, him.’

  Soon they tucked into the finest fish ‘n’ chips Amy had tasted.

  ‘I don’t want to lose you again,’ Barbara said when Katherine made to board the coach.

  ‘You’ve got our number.’

  ‘I’ll ring you.’

  ‘You better. I need to know Dad’s not killed you.’

  ‘I’ll be alright.’

  ‘You reckon?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘We’re only a coach ride away,’ Amy said. ‘You’re welcome anytime.’

  ‘Thank you. I’ll bare that in mind.’

  ‘In the meantime keep in contact,’ Katherine said letting Amy pass her. Barbara finally stopped hugging her daughter.

  ‘Make sure Calvin knows what a lucky lad he is.’

  ‘He knows.’

  * * *

  On their last day of recording the band had sang well. Calvin had temporarily silenced Tom’s dislike of his ignorance of sound-and-studio after recording his bass parts so well.

  That said Calvin now sat at the back of the studio redundant and missing Katherine. Danny experimented with unnecessary vocal overdubs before joining them in the control room.

  ‘It’s weird, I know,’ Danny said listening back to the suspiciously over dissonant harmony he’d just added.

  ‘I can’t work it out,’ Tom said. Spinning his chair he faced Calvin and asked, ‘What d’you think, is this in tune?’

  Calvin’s reverie broke hearing Danny’s recorded voice leaping out at him. Everyone looked on awaiting his opinion, ‘It’s too loud.’

  Tom exploded, ‘Of course it’s too loud. It’s not the final mix! Is it in tune is all?’

  No one spoke.

  Calvin looked thoughtful nodding to himself. Raphael didn’t know where to look but felt he should say something. ‘Ze—’

  ‘I know it’s not a mix!’ Calvin roared at Tom with eyebrows pulled together and jaw jutted forwards. ‘How the hell do you expect me to answer your stupid question when you’ve turned his voice up so high it’s crucifying everything else?’

  Tom shrank into his chair but Calvin hadn’t finished. Rising from the sofa he continued. ‘You’d do well to remember who’s paying for these sessions. You’re not doing us a favour and I won’t stand to pay for someone half my size trying to belittle me.’

  Tom cowered like a puppy caught peeing on the carpet. He spun round to the desk and rearranged the faders. Danny no longer cared how his harmony sounded. He wanted to applaud Calvin wishing he had his courage.

  * * *

  After another long journey the coach pulled into Victoria. Katherine got up before Amy. Joining the queue of passengers leaving the coach Amy, tired and stiff couldn’t face the tube trip back to Chingford. But as she stood between passengers she could see Katherine stepping into the bay and, to her surprise, Calvin’s arms. She watched the two locking like neighbouring jigsaw pieces. Neither spoke until, once in her earshot, Calvin asked her, ‘Ready to come home?’

  ‘Ooh, big hug,’ Amy said interrupting and joining their moment. ‘I don’t suppose Raphael’s car’s round the corner?’

  ‘Yup, illegally parked,’ Calvin said.

  * * *

  For Raphael they couldn’t get off the double yellow lines quickly enough. The back door sprang open and Raphael saw in his driving mirror Calvin end up sandwiched between the two girls.

  ‘Thanks Raphael,’ Amy said slamming the door. ‘You’re a lifesaver.’

  ‘Thank Calvin, it was his idea.’

  ‘Thanks Calvin,’ both girls said.

  Next to Raphael Danny sat and smiling turned to see Calvin getting both cheeks kissed. Happy to see Amy again Danny decided he’d ask her to come running with him.

  ‘Where are the instruments?’ Amy asked.

  ‘The gear’s back at the flat,’ Danny said.

  No Answer.

  When Amy asked in hushed tones why they hadn’t their instruments, Danny guessed she’d asked Calvin not him. Calvin explained that they’d only needed voices that day.

  Amy realised Danny hadn’t encouraged her to feel more than friendship. Still, she smarted from having been let down by him, if only in her dream smoke-terrorised. She decided she didn’t want to be besotted anymore. But worse than that, though she’d missed him, she found herself not wanting anything to do with him – friends or otherwise.

  Raphael dropped them at the flat and headed for Hemel. Katherine and Calvin locked themselves away for the night. Normally Amy would have followed Danny like his shadow but she left him in solitude.

  In her room after spending time telling herself she had a beautiful tummy she lay on the floor and blasted into sit-ups.

  Wednesday 05th October 1983

  Over the next couple of days Amy avoided Danny. On Wednesday she felt an inexplicable desire to be mean. She made cups of tea for Katherine and Calvin right when she knew Danny would arrive home.

  ‘Hi Amy,’ Danny said sweetly just as Amy handed the mugs out.

  ‘Hi,’ she said taking hers from the counter without offering him one.

  ‘You had a good day?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You making teas?’

  ‘Kettle’s just boiled.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said getting the message. Amy watched his expression fall. He nodded acknowledging that he’d have to make his own.

  She went into the landing hating herself knowing Danny couldn’t be blamed for the past grief he’d caused her but what could she do? She couldn’t be his friend pretending she’d never been in love with him – if that’s even what she’d felt.

  Thursday 06th October 1983

  By Thursday Danny had seen little of Amy. Alone in the living room with the inlay card designs he missed her company.

  ‘That girl’s putting me through my paces,’ Katherine said interrupting his loneliness on her way to the shower.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Everything,’ she said. ‘Sit-ups, running she’s mad for it all. I can hardly keep up.’

  ‘Really?’ Danny grimaced with rejection. Twice that week he’d asked Amy to go running with him and both times she’d declined.

  ‘She’ll be applying for Olympic grants soon,’ Katherine said and seeing his work asked, ‘Are these inlay card designs?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Danny said grateful of the subject change. ‘The paint’s cracking on the backdrop. The more distressed it gets the better it looks so I’m redesigning the logo with fissures. Calvin’s printing company need the designs soon.’

  ‘What you’re doing gets my vote,’ she said leaving him to it.

  Two hours later and still alone Danny sat watching TV. Having completed the inlay card he decided to go to bed. Dropping the designs in his room he headed towards the bathroom but paused at Calvin’s door longing for some company.

  On his way back still wiping toothpaste from his lips he bumped into Amy.

  ‘Oh?’ she said stopping in her tracks with an uncomfortable expression.

  Chickening out of querying her problem Danny instead asked, ‘D’you wanna come for a run with me tomorrow night?’

  He saw her answer before hearing it. After a moment she
shook her head telling him no. He let her passed him but called after her, ‘Why not?’

  ‘I’ve arranged to run, with Katherine.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  If Amy replied he didn’t take notice. He’d seen her head shake.

  Friday 07th October 1983

  The next morning Danny woke early but stayed in bed until after Amy left for lectures. Minutes later Calvin’s door opened. Hearing his signature footfall, Danny jumped up, pulled jeans on and grabbing the inlay card designs.

  ‘Morning mate,’ Calvin said sinking bread in the toaster. ‘You alright?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Danny said giving his shoulder a squeeze and handing him the artwork.

  Scanning the sheets Calvin said, ‘Hey well done these look ideal. You’ll meet my boss and Joe they’re coming to the Sunday Dog and Parrot gig. Submit them then if you like.’

  When Danny didn’t say anything Calvin asked, ‘You sure you’re alright?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m feeling weird around Amy.’

  ‘How so?’ Calvin asked grabbing the butter.

  ‘She’s off with me,’ Danny grumbled. ‘I thought you might know what I’ve done to upset her.’

  ‘I hadn’t noticed – time of the month?’

  ‘Maybe. Katherine’s not said anything?’

  He shook his head. ‘Nothing, but speak of the devil.’

  Just then a sleepy Katherine stepped into the living room carrying a near full bottle of red wine Calvin recognised as one that had been opened and forgotten about days earlier.

  ‘Babe, Danny reckons Amy doesn’t like him,’ Calvin said as if not believing his own words.

  Katherine pursed her lips. Though Amy hadn’t said anything she’d sensed Amy’s changed behaviour towards Danny who now looked at her with expectation.

  She put the bottle of wasted red on the kitchen counter. ‘Have you spoken to her?’ She knew he wouldn’t have. When he shook his head she said, ‘Look, she’s taken stock of her life and is making changes. It’ll be fine.’

  Danny’s face looked like that of the family spaniel. Resisting the urge to smile Katherine suggested he talk to her.

  ‘I guess she seems more grown up,’ Danny said.

  ‘And she’s drinking less, not sleeping around, studying hard and exercising harder.’

  ‘We noticed she wasn’t sleeping round didn’t we?’ Calvin said to Danny.

  ‘Yeah, thought she was losing her sex drive.’

  ‘Hardly, not that it’s our business.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Danny said. ‘I asked her to come running tonight but she said she’s running with you.’

  Calvin shot Katherine a questioning look. Without chance to spare Amy a thought she said, ‘No, Calvin’s taking me out for a romantic meal.’