Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.
“Really?”
Mordecai laughed. “She has the highest combined stat total, so she’s the designated party leader. As such, she has more control over the party menu. Don’t worry. The titles don’t mean anything.” He paused, suddenly serious. “Listen up, kid. She’s quite a bit more powerful than you are right now, so you’ll want to stick together. At least until you get to the ninth floor. That… That will be a challenge. You can always leave the party. That crown is on her head, not yours.”
Donut walked up to the door and scratched at it. It opened on its own.
8
Time to Level Collapse: Four days, 20 hours.
And with no additional fanfare, we left the guild and struck out into the dungeon.
“By the way,” Mordecai said as we left. “Now that I’ve successfully trained both of you, if you enter any additional training guilds, you’ll be transported back to this room. I’m now your registered guide, so feel free to come back here if you have any additional questions. You’ll lose access to me once you hit the fourth floor.”
“Yeah, take care,” I said. “Good luck out in the universe once this is over.”
Mordecai looked at me sadly. “Yeah, good luck to you, too.” He grasped my jacket and met my eyes and then whispered, “It’s not worth it, no matter what they tell you. Not until floor 12, and even then, negotiate as much as you can. Remember that.”
He slammed the door, and my mind reeled. What did that mean? Was he saying it was better to die than to take whatever exit they offered on floors 10 and 11? Did that even matter? Floor 10. Who was Mordecai kidding? Three million people had died in this place in the very first hour. I wasn’t expecting to survive until the next floor opened up..
“Okay,” Donut said, “here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to walk that way, and if we get attacked by anything, you protect me.”
“Wandering aimlessly? That’s the plan?” I asked.
“We have approximately 29 hours before these aliens air their television show. That means we have 29 hours to do something absolutely spectacular. But,” Donut added, “first we need to find you some pants. I will not be presented to the universe in such a fashion. I can just see the comments now on the Martian social media.” She mocked an alien voice. “‘Beautiful cat, Blorg. But why isn’t her bodyguard wearing pants?’”
I sighed and started moving down the hall. We headed back the way we’d come before, back toward the main thoroughfare. This entire area was scorched black from the explosion of the goblin dozer. The smear of blood from where the dozer had run over the goblin remained. Everything else had been destroyed in the explosion.
“You know, you’re not wearing pants, either,” I said after a moment.
“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”
We came to the conjunction, and I warily looked around the corner. I didn’t see anything. This hallway was lit by torches, not the green lichen, so it was much brighter. It seemed completely abandoned in either direction. We stepped out into the wide tunnel.
“Now, I know your simple mind is telling you to just keep…”
“Okay,” I said, turning on the cat. “I was struggling with this decision earlier, but this… transformation… or whatever has happened has made this much easier. I’m going to go that way,” I pointed east, “and you’re going to go any other direction than that. Good luck.”
“What?” Donut said. “You want to separate? I don’t understand.”
“Look,” I said. “Mordecai said you’re a lot more powerful than I am. Great. That means you’ll probably be okay. More okay than me.” I leaned in. “But I would rather just get this over with and get squished by a goblin bulldozer than spend another second dealing with this bullshit. Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.” I pulled up my menu and tried to figure out how to remove myself from the party.
“Wait, Carl, wait. Don’t. I’m sorry. Wait.”
“What?” I said.
The cat sat on the floor. She seemed to deflate. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I… It’s just… Have you ever woken up from a long dream, one where you’re one thing, and now that you’re awake, it takes you a moment to realize that’s not who you really are?”
I just looked at her.
“Okay, when I woke up back there, I had all my memories, of all my time being me. Of sitting in that window, looking outside, of watching television all day long, of all the hours in the carrier in back of Miss Beatrice’s car, traveling to those horrid yet wonderful shows, of being told what a princess I am. And then, suddenly, my mind looked back on all of it, and I understood what had happened. I am a grand champion, Carl. I’m supposed to act a certain way. But sitting in your lap, watching you get fragged over and over in Call of Duty? I like that, too. I mean, you really suck at that game, but you keep playing. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I liked that.”
“So, what are you saying? That you’re not a crazy, stuck-up, asshole princess?”
“Oh, I am a princess, Carl. But I’ll try not to be too much of an asshole. I need you. And you need me, okay? Look, I’m really scared here. I don’t want to be alone. And I know you, and you don’t want to be alone, either. I saw you the other day, looking at the map on your computer, and then at those apartments on Craigslist.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, but I knew exactly what she meant.
“There was that day when the passes were clear. You could’ve taken me back to Miss Beatrice’s parents, but you didn’t want to. You were looking at apartments, making sure they allowed cats. You were thinking about catnapping me.”
I just looked at her. It’s exactly what I had been doing, but I hadn’t even admitted it to myself.
“It wouldn’t have worked, by the way. Her dad would’ve gotten me back right away.”
I sighed. That was true, too. Bea’s dad was a lawyer out of Yakima.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s keep moving.” We kept travelling. The minimap showed the cardinal directions, and we headed east. I kept an eye out for any special rooms or other dots.
“Yeah, anyway, I’m not wearing pants because you decided to jump out the window,” I said after a few minutes of us traveling in silence. That reminded me, and I felt in my pocket. Yes! A pack of Marlboro Reds. I still had half a pack left. I still had my Zippo. I’d also received a lighter from that goblin box, so now I had two. I had the urge to pull the pack out right then, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get any more cigarettes ever again. I had to conserve them.
“If I hadn’t jumped out the window, we’d both be dead right now.”
“Why did you jump, anyway?”
“Stop,” Donut hissed. “There’s something down there.”
We’d passed by multiple conjunctions and alleys. Everything in this maze was featureless so far. I saw no signs of life whatsoever. We stopped now by a thin alleyway, similar to the one that had hidden the goblin dozer. It was completely pitch black in there. On my map, the alley led down to another conjunction, then several more tributaries. The map only revealed so much of the area, so I couldn’t see past there.
There were no red dots or anything like that. Not that I could see.
“What is it?”
Donut leaped up off the ground and landed on my shoulder. I suppressed an oof. She wasn’t nearly as heavy as she used to be when she did that. Then I remembered my strength was much higher than before. She curled her long, fluffy tail around my neck and glared. A low growl escaped her throat.
“What? What do you see?”
Thwump! Thwump!
Two bolts shot out of Donut’s eyes, one after
another. They were like laser blasts from a sci-fi movie. I was so surprised that I almost fell backward. Instead, I just stumbled a little. I remembered she had that Magic Missile spell.
The first bolt hit the rocky wall of the alley, sending bits of rock and smoke showering. The second was better aimed and traveled the length of the tunnel before splashing against something that howled with pain. It was too far away for me to see what it was, but the moment the missile hit it, a red dot appeared on my map.
“Okay, there it is. Go get it,” Donut said.
“Yeah, maybe next time wait until we know what it is before we start randomly shooting at it. What if that’d been a person?”
The creature made a deep rumble that was half bleat, half roar and started galloping down the alley toward us. Whatever it was, it was big.
“That’s quite obviously not a person, Carl,” Donut said.
Shit, shit, shit. The thing was really booking it now.
“Shoot another missile!” I said
A third magic missile shot forth from Donut, this one hitting it directly in the chest. The creature staggered and cried out in pain, obviously hurt. But it kept coming. In the moment it was lit up by the pulse blast, I could distinctly see what it was. I got a good enough view for the info box to pop up.
Bad Llama. Level 3.
It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade.
You won’t want to get hit by their spit.
“Goddamnit, Donut!” I cried, jumping back from the alleyway entrance.
A red, baseball-sized ball of spit blasted out of the hallway and splattered across the floor. It sizzled where it hit, and the stones of the rocky floor turned crimson.
Lava. The llama was shooting lava out of its mouth.
I balled my fists. Mordecai had said my punches were more powerful than either of the weapons I had, but the idea of fighting a fucking llama with my bare hands was ridiculous. I had the fingerless gloves I’d received in a loot box, but they offered no armor protection.
“You’re gonna have to shoot it again!” I said.
“I can’t!” Donut said. “I’m out of mana!”
“Didn’t you get a mana potion?” I cried as the llama emerged.
The damn llama was even bigger than I expected. It was as large as a horse. The creature had giant yellow buck teeth. It turned its scorched and tan-colored head to glare at me. One of its eyes had been blown off by the missile. Black and red ichor poured down the side of its face. It had the debuff Septic pulsing over its head. The powerful debuff was similar to poison. It worked faster, but it couldn’t be stacked, and unlike poison, it could be healed with a simple healing spell or potion.
The llama’s health was already about 3/4's gone. Donut howled and leaped off my shoulder as the llama reared back to spit again. The thing’s neck glowed red.
I hit it with an uppercut and a left hook right in the face. I felt bones crunch. My left hand exploded in pain, and I didn’t know if the crunching bones were in the llama’s face, in my hand, or both. Probably both.
It grunted with surprise and unleashed its gob of spit just as his head turned away from me. I felt the heat of the lava ball sail over my shoulder. I stepped in and punched it again. A right jab directly in its glowing throat.
The creature dropped like a sack of hammers. It tried to cry out, but nothing but gurgling came out. I jumped back as the fur and skin around its neck erupted in red flames.
I had ruptured whatever the hell was in its throat that made the lava.
The llama continued to gurgle and make pitiful sounds as its health plummeted. A moment later, it was dead.
The lava around its throat started to rapidly cool, filling the hallway with an acrid, sulfur-like stench.
My left hand was broken. It throbbed in pain, but thanks to my regeneration ability, it was already knitting itself. I pulled up my health menu and looked at the pie chart. I could zoom in on that specific injury, and it gave me a detailed explanation on everything that was happening.
My regeneration skill did a triage of my injuries, healing the most important items first. It was just my left hand along with some abrasions on my right hand. I could adjust the menu and give healing priority to other parts too. After a minute, I was good as new.
“I dealt 71% of the damage,” Donut said, “It’s telling me I get to pick loot first.”
The corpse blinked, and an info box popped up.
Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl.
Poor Llama skin.
Uncooked Llama steaks X2.
Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
The skin disappeared from the inventory menu along with one of the steaks. The corpse’s skin disappeared, leaving just a gross pile of muscle.
“Your turn,” Donut said.
“Meth?” I said. I laughed at how absurd it was. I added the rest of the items to my inventory. My inventory added two new menus: Food Items and Pharmaceuticals.
I had a couple new achievements. One for looting a corpse and one for sharing experience. I received a pair of Bronze Adventurer boxes. Donut got the same, plus a couple additional achievements for casting her first spell and finally killing something, along with killing a mob higher level than herself.
“That was no good,” Donut declared as we continued our trek east. “Sloppy. You can’t be injuring yourself every time we get into a minor tussle.”
“Minor tussle? We need to be more cautious,” I said. “We can’t just blindly stumble around.”
“No, we need to level up,” Donut said. “And we need to do it quickly. I’m starting to think this main road is not the best choice for traveling or fighting.”
She jumped down a random hallway and I had to rush to keep up. A few turns later, and we were far from the main thoroughfare. Here, the walls were tighter and the ceiling much lower. The whole place glowed green from the lichen on the walls. Some of the halls curved and met dead ends. But thanks to the map, which built itself as we went, it was easy to keep from getting too lost.
The whole place was eerily barren. Occasionally I heard a screeching noise coming from the distance, and once I heard something that sounded like a man screaming at the top of his lungs, followed by gunfire. But it was far away, and I couldn’t tell exactly from where. We traveled like this for what seemed like hours, not coming across anybody or anything except a few random tutorial guilds. And bathrooms. The bathrooms were everywhere.
It was the strangest thing. There seemed to be a bathroom door about once every quarter mile or so. Each doorway was different, and it appeared the doors were taken from actual bathrooms in restaurants and bars and buildings from around the world. Some had the symbol for men or women on them. One had a hand-written sign in what looked like Korean. Another had a note saying it was for paying customers only.
I opened the first four bathrooms we came across, and each one was the same inside. A silver toilet and a roll of toilet paper. No sink, no mirror. Just a toilet and barely enough room to sit down in. No matter how wide or thin the door was, the room was the same each time. After the third room, I began to suspect it was the same room. To test it, I took the roll of toilet paper and pulled it out, dipping the end into the bowl of the waterless toilet. The next one we passed, I opened it up, and sure enough, the toilet paper remained dipped in the bowl.
After I closed the door, I had Donut open it up. She could open and shut doors just by looking at them as long as she was close enough. She opened the door I’d just been in, but this time it was a knee-high cubicle featuring a litterbox.
“Oh good, I gotta wee,” Donut said, entering the room and shutting the door. She emerged thirty seconds later, trailing litter all over the place. She looked ove
r her shoulder at me. “You should go. You look like you need to go.”
What I really needed to do was sleep. The initial adrenaline rush from all of this was finally coming down, and I was exhausted. I’d only slept an hour or so before I’d woken up last night. Last night? It was barely five hours ago or so. In my health menu it listed me as Fatigued. It didn’t cure itself with my regeneration. We had to find one of the rest areas. Mordecai said they were all over the place. We could set up a temporary base of operations there and explore the area cautiously and deliberately. This aimless wandering was going to get us into big trouble sooner rather than later.
A couple minutes later, we were beset by a group of level two rats. There were five of them, and the screeching, hissing creatures were about half the size of Donut. The monsters weren’t too big, but the bastards were huge for rats. They bit and scratched, and one even inflicted me with a Poison debuff that only lasted for a second before my cloak canceled it out.
I ended up defeating them by punting them against the wall one by one. They hit the wall and exploded like water balloons. Their deaths were over-the-top, overly gory, almost like their bodies contained twice as much blood as they should.
Donut had leveled up to two after the llama battle. It appeared we received experience equal with the percentage of how much we participated in the battle. But the number wasn’t exactly equal with how much damage we dealt. I suspected support activities such as tanking and healing also counted, though we didn’t have nearly enough data to figure out if that was accurate or not. It also appeared that simply being in a party with someone and present at the battle garnered a nominal amount of experience. With the rats, I received nearly enough to level me up to three.
Donut, who hadn’t lifted a paw to help me, spent the next five minutes bitching about how her “mentorship” should’ve counted for more experience.
The cat was definitely making an effort to be less abrasive, but she was still a cat. She had a reckless streak to her, and a quick mouth, often making quips before realizing what she’d said. But she was also showing very cat-like signs of affection, too. One time I stopped and leaned up against a wall to rest, and she spent the time purring and rubbing up against my legs. I looked down at her, and she returned my gaze. “What?” she said.
Dungeon Crawler Carl Page 7