I just stared at the woman. I hadn’t felt this out of my element since the moment the dungeon first opened.
“Makeup?” Donut asked.
“Not for this interview, Your Majesty,” Lexis said. “The audience will have just watched a highlights reel of your time in the dungeon followed by the entirety of that last boss fight. It will appear as if you walked straight from the fight to the stage.”
“Got it,” Donut said. “So we address her as Odette?”
“Correct.”
“Live or taped?”
“It’s taped, though it will be tunneled in just a few short hours.”
“What’s the tone of the show? Is it more editorial or more fluff? What works better with your audience? Do you want us to be serious and more technical, or should I just let Carl be Carl?”
Donut was asking these questions as if she’d been doing this her whole life.
A smile tugged at the corner of Lexis’s mouth. “This is a private production about the crawl. It won’t be censored. The more entertaining you are, the better it will play.”
“Got it,” Donut said.
“Hold up a second,” I said. “What do you mean by ‘private production’?”
Lexis turned to me. “The main program, Dungeon Crawler World: Earth is owned by the Syndicate Government, and this season it is produced by the Mu… The Borant Corporation. Syndicate rules allow for private production companies to produce their own programs as long as they pay for the production themselves and pay an advertising stipend. This particular show, Dungeon Crawler After Hours with Odette will tunnel immediately after the main program. It is produced by the Titan Conglomerate with production assistance by over a dozen participating, independent systems. It is the largest, most-tunneled private program in existence. The host, Odette, is the most-beloved interviewer and program host in the history of the galaxy. So try to make a good impression.”
“Wonderful,” I said, leaning back. “Just wonderful.”
Next to me, Donut was shaking with excitement. Literally shaking.
“Anything else we should know?” Donut asked.
“Nope,” Lexis said. “Just be yourselves, have fun with the questions, and you’ll be fine.”
“Thank you, Lexis,” Donut said. “That’ll be all.”
“Great,” Lexis said. She hit a button on her tablet, turned, and strode out of the room.
I looked at the cat sitting next to me, and I wondered, not for the first time, if this was all a dream. An hour and a half earlier I’d been certain I was about to die, and now I was aboard some sort of yacht from another planet, ready to be interviewed on an intergalactic talk show.
“Okay,” Donut said the moment Lexis left the room. She started to frantically clean herself. “Let me do all the talking unless Odette asks a question directly of you. I just can’t believe it. I am so excited!”
“Just, be careful, okay?” I said. I stood, moving toward the odd door. It did not open on its own. There were no windows, but there was a small door by the bar. I pushed it open, revealing a bathroom with a litterbox. Above the toilet was a round porthole about the size of a dinner plate. I stood upon the toilet, straining on my tiptoes to peer outside. It was dark, and I couldn’t see a thing except the glint of the moon off relatively-calm water. Stars shone in night sky. I felt an unexpected longing at the sight of the stars. I put my hand against the window to see if I could push it open. Whatever this was, it wasn’t glass. There didn’t appear to be a way of escape. I wondered what would happen if I formed my gauntlet and punched the window as hard as I could.
Probably nothing. And even if we did escape, then what? We were in the middle of the ocean in the middle of winter, and I still didn’t have pants.
“Careful of what?” Donut asked from the other room.
“These people aren’t our friends,” I said, coming back into the room. I took a banana from the fruit basket, peeled it, and took a bite. “Don’t forget that.”
I attempted to put the rest of the fruit and the basket into my inventory, but my menus weren’t working at all.
There was no garbage can in the room. An oversight. I tossed the peel on the counter.
“Do you want this cat food?” I asked, sniffing it.
“Are you crazy?” Donut said. “And get it all over my face?”
There was a little bag sitting behind the bowl of wet cat food. Purrfect Cat Treats. They had done their research. I picked up the bag and shook it. Donut was on the counter a half a second later. “Okay, but just one.”
I took an apple and bit down as Donut ate her fifth treat. The apple suddenly reminded me of the dead, naked form of Rebecca W. I put it back in the basket, no longer hungry.
“Carl,” Donut said as she crunched down on another treat. “Out there with all the punching and the grunting and the disgusting, exploding goblins. That is your world.” She made a motion with her paw, indicating this room. “This is mine. I know this might be difficult for you to understand, but I have been doing this my entire life. Every cat show I have ever done is an interview. I was bred for this. Let me do my thing.”
“You didn’t talk before,” I said. “And having a judge stick her finger up your ass is not the same thing as being interviewed for a television show.”
“I have never had anybody ever stick anything up there, thank you very much. Really, Carl. Don’t be so crude. This is why I’m to do the talking.”
“Okay, you two,” Lexis said, coming into the room. “Let’s go.”
“Don’t be surly. You can be surly sometimes,” Donut whispered as we lined up outside the door.
A small ping emanated from Lexis’s tablet. The door irised open.
“Go,” Lexis said, putting her hand on my back, pushing. “Smile and wave. Smile and wave!”
I was propelled out of the room, Donut walking in front of me with her tail swishing back and forth as we moved from the small room onto a giant, brightly-lit set.
I was momentarily blinded as we stepped out. And even though we hadn’t really moved off the surface, I was briefly overwhelmed. I am seeing something from another world. Holy shit.
I heard the audience before I saw them. They were going berserk. Hoots, hollers, and animal-like trills filled the room, shaking the floor. I realized, belatedly, that I had stopped. Donut, seeing I had stopped, also paused, but she made it took like it was on purpose. She circled, sat down halfway between the door and the couch, and she rolled on her side, hopping up onto her feet, and swishing her tail. Her armored skirt poofed out with a little jingle as she hopped. The cheers got louder.
I used the moment to look about the room. It was just as Lexis had described. It was a black stage with a space-themed nebula background. The colorful, spinning cloud of blue and red space dust and the dots of distant stars filled the back wall. Odette’s desk was, well, a desk. It sat next to a couch identical to the one in the waiting room. “The green room,” Donut had called it, even though it was blue. The set could’ve been from any earth talk show, with a couple of glaring differences.
There were no visible cameras. The lights seemed to come out of nowhere, appearing and disappearing without any sort of physical source.
The audience was mostly in shadow. It was a large room, with seats and something else—viewing pods of some sort—stretching up in a stadium pattern. I watched as some of the audience members vanished, flickered, and reappeared. The crowd was a shadowy sea of aliens of all types. Humans, pig-headed orcs similar to the ones we’d just killed, and eagle-headed creatures like Mordecai’s true form. Bug-eyed, expressionless gray aliens. Tentacled things. Dozens of others, too many to take in. The viewing pods were filled with murky water, and I caught sight of what might’ve been a kua-tin, though much thinner than the image in the door carving.
And then there was Odette.
Looking upon the woman, it was difficult for my brain to put it all together. I kept thinking what the fuck? What the fucking fuck, over and over.
Part crab, part praying mantis, part centerfold for Juggz magazine’s “Freaks of Nature” issue. I just stared, not able to tell if I was looking at one creature. Or two. Or five.
But then she moved, and something clicked in my brain, allowing it all to come together.
Odette was a naked crab-taur wearing a bug mask.
The lower body of the woman was entirely crab. Black and red with a lumpy shell and multiple, chitinous legs. The shape and makeup of the shell was that of a king crab, but the size of a brown bear. Her body seemed completely separate from the rest of her form. The legs crowded one another, unable to tuck themselves underneath the desk. The legs seemed to twitch on their own accord. Malevolent, ready to strike. Her triangular bug head was black with mirrored, compound eyes the size of footballs. Twin antennae spread from her head with a span over at least six feet, as wide as the crab body.
But the oddest part of this woman was her torso.
Her naked, ebony body, from her stomach to her neck was that of a plus-sized, human model who had bribed a third-world plastic surgeon into enhancing her breasts well beyond anything that could ever be considered natural. Or sexy. Or anything other than what-the-fuck. The colossal breasts sat atop the table like a pair of pigs suckling against their mother. Her nipples faced downward, her areolas absurdly oversized, even on the massive breasts, each the size of a DirectTV satellite dish.
There was no conceivable way, even as big as she was, that her body could sustain those ginormous breasts without her back breaking like a twig.
Jesus. No wonder this show is so damn popular.
Donut looked up at me, her yellow eyes pleading for me to move.
I took a deep breath, plastered a smile on my face, and I waved. Then I walked toward the couch.
Odette calmed the crowd as we settled down. She waved her human-like arms at everyone to be quiet. She had long, fake nails that curved like claws. They were painted blue, matching the couch. Her body moved oddly, rising up and down as the crab body readjusted itself. She raised herself up as we sat, making it so her chest didn’t block the audience’s view of her praying mantis head.
They’d placed a large pillow on the seat so Donut could sit atop it. The cat jumped up and sat straight.
“Welcome, welcome,” Odette said, her voice surprisingly feminine, though she sounded older than I expected. “Your majesty, it is a pleasure to have you here.”
“Thank you so much, Odette,” Donut said. “The pleasure is all ours. Carl and I have both been looking forward to meeting you. When I first heard about you, I couldn’t stop thinking, I really want to get on that couch and meet her.” Donut turned to face the crowd. Her voice had gone up a pitch, sounding nothing like her regular speaking voice. “And meet all of you guys. I dare say, what a great-looking audience. I’d much rather be here than with those filthy goblins. How’s everybody doing tonight?”
The couch vibrated with the sound of the crowd’s pleasure.
“You enjoying the show?” Donut asked.
Again, screams.
“Now, let me ask you something,” Odette said. She turned and leaned in. Her massive breasts barely sloshed over, as if she had some sort of accordion system connecting her chest with the boobs. “So you might not realize this, but we’ve been watching you two from the beginning. You might not be getting any love on the official program, but you two are quite the sensation. We are so excited to have you on the show tonight. But something that people want to know is about your title, Princess Donut. So you are earth royalty?”
No. No, no, no, I thought. Don’t.
“Why yes I am, Odette,” Donut said. “Now, you have to understand, Earth has a ruling class. The humans.” She glanced sideways at the crowd and lifted her paw. “Thumbs. It’s all about the thumbs.” The crowd laughed. “But amongst cats, which is what I am, we have what’s called an elective monarchy. But it’s really just a beauty contest. My full name is ‘GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk.’ I wouldn’t think of boring you guys with all of my titles.” She leaned toward the audience and stage whispered, “GC stands for Grand Champion.”
I realized I was staring at Donut as if she’d just sprouted a corndog from her forehead. I had to consciously make an effort to close my mouth. An elective monarchy? Where the hell did that come from? Who was this cat, and what had she done with Donut?
Odette nodded. I could not read any sort of expression on her bug face. “And you’ve won this beauty contest?”
Donut flipped her tail, and I swear to god the cat fucking winked. She looked right into the middle of the crowd and asked, her voice seductive. “What do you think?”
The crowd roared.
“I love it. You two are so adorable. I’m so happy to have you here with us.” Her bug gaze focused on me.
Ah shit.
“So, Carl, before you came on, I promised my audience I’d get you to say it.”
I looked at her blankly.
“Say what?” I asked.
“You know,” Odette said. She waved her hand as if she was trying to coax it out of me. “Your catchphrase.”
This is not real life. This can’t be real life. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Odette turned toward the audience. “He doesn’t know what I’m talking about.” She laughed. They laughed. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a hint.”
A screen appeared, floating in midair in front of me. It was me and Donut, from above. It was a scene from early on. We were peering into an alleyway, and a moment later I leaped back as a blob of lava rocketed out toward us. I screamed, “Goddamnit Donut!” The scene changed. I was being attacked by a pair of cockroaches while Donut watched from a pile of garbage. “Goddamnit Donut!” I screamed. The scenes kept changing, over and over, each time ending with me saying the same thing. I’d said it at least fifteen times.
Odette cocked her head at me. “Figure it out yet?”
I sighed inwardly, doing my best not to let my dismay show. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.
Boisterous cheers followed.
“Now let’s go back to one of those clips we just watched,” Odette said. “I was hoping to get some insights from you guys.”
“Of course,” Donut said.
That scene with the cockroaches reappeared. I heard my voice call out, “A little help here!”
It was the final moments of our battle with the Hoarder. My stomach dropped, watching that scene from above. The camera focused on my own face. I was stricken with how scared I looked. The blasting music from the fight was gone. The giant woman was gagging and sobbing, and the visceral sounds shook my bones.
“She’s almost dead. You can kill them when you kill her!” Donut cried on the video.
The clip ended, and the audience was screaming with laughter.
“Now, Carl,” Odette said. Her breasts made a slight sloshing noise on the desk. “What’re you thinking here, when Donut wasn’t helping you?”
“It happened so fast,” I said. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”
“And you, Donut? You saw him there, surrounded. You’re stronger than him.” Odette waved her hand, and our stats appeared floating in the air over us. “Wow. A lot stronger than him.”
“Yet here we are,” Donut said. “Carl handled it like the champion he is. And besides, darling. If he was in real trouble, I would’ve certainly helped. Like I did with that juicy boss we faced.” She looked at me. “What was his name? Juicy? Juiced? The Juice? Now that was a fight, wasn’t it?”
The crowd roared their approval.
We talked for about five more minutes. Odette would ask a question about something that happened. Donut would answer. She had the crowd eating out of her paws. Odette asked me about my pants. They showed Donut asking if there was a reward for worst-dressed in the dungeon, and it showed me standing there, looking pitiful in my knee pads. The words WORST DRESSED appeared floating over me. I pretended to laugh.
“So, what’s next for y
ou two? Do you intend on staying with team Meadow Lark?” Odette asked.
“That’s the plan for now,” Donut said. “It depends on what we find on the next floor.” She flicked her tail a few times. “But I want to tell you something, Odette.” She stood on the chair, facing the audience. “I promise all of you. You guys are going to want to follow me and Carl. You’re going to want to favorite us. Because whatever it is we face, we’re not just going to kill them.”
“No?” Odette asked, amused.
“Oh no. We are going to kill them big. We are going to kill them with style.”
Thirty seconds later, and the audience was still screaming.
Odette had to shout over her own crowd. “We are out of time, but thank you so much Carl and Her Royal Majesty Princess Donut! Good luck to you two! I will see you all next time!”
The throng continued to go berserk. She’d stolen that line from Mordecai. “Kill them with style? Really?” I whispered.
But Donut didn’t answer. She hadn’t heard me. She stood on the edge of the pillow, standing like that damn lion from the Lion King, her chest heaving with pride as she looked back into the holographic mass of adoring fans. Her eyes sparkled. I suddenly had a feeling of dread. That look. That hunger. That was dangerous. She’d had but a single taste, but I could already tell. She was addicted to this. To the crowd. To the cheers. It was going to be a problem.
“Goddamnit, Donut,” I muttered.
29
The lights of the studio flipped all the way on, and the audience snapped away. The studio remained, but the bleachers were just gone. Odette remained behind the desk.
“Great show everyone,” Odette said, looking up at the ceiling. There wasn’t anybody else in the room that I could see. She looked over our shoulders. “Give us five, Plexis. Watch the packets and ping me if one of those AIs sticks their nose in here. I want to talk to our guests for a minute without anybody snooping.”
I turned to see Lexis standing at the door that led back into the green room. “Yes, ma’am,” Lexis said, backing into the other room. The door closed.
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