“We’ll scout the way and clear it out for you,” I said.
“Thank you,” Brandon said.
“Did you get anything good in your boss box?” I asked. He now had a bright, silver star next to his name in the interface, along with the rest of us.
He grinned. “I got a magic boomerang. Chris got some book of the club thing. Imani doesn’t tell us what she gets, and Yolanda received a new type of quiver.”
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you about Agatha,” I said.
“Everyone, quiet! Quiet!” Donut called. “It’s time for the good part!”
The screen focused on that group of men from Africa. Their party name was “Le Mouvement.” They’d gone from 150 to about 80 after some internal strife. Several of the members sported skulls by their avatars now.
The show had helpfully added a graphic showing how much ammunition they had left. The 80 men were down to under 500 rounds. Hopefully they were training themselves in other weapon types.
Lucia Mar and her dogs obliterated a nest of brown, shaggy monsters before descending the stairs. I knew right afterward she’d been whisked away to appear on Odette’s show. She’d been on stage just before us, where one of her dogs had attacked a producer. The woman with the Valkyrie helmet had teamed up with a group of three more women. They worked together to kill a yeti borough boss thing before using the stairs to descend.
And just like that, there we were.
Beside me, Donut gasped as we appeared. We were on screen for less than 15 seconds. The program was playing scenes from multiple groups of crawlers, rapid-fire, all of them fighting bosses or running toward the stairs as the timer ran down. I knew some of these scenes must have played out just thirty minutes earlier.
It showed us huddled underneath the redoubt as Donut screamed, “Here it comes!”
The view changed to the ball of swine rolling up the ramp, getting stuck. It moved back inside our miniature fort as the brace broke and smashed Yolanda in the head. It showed the ball break apart, and then it cut to Donut screaming as she fired magic missiles point-blank into the tusklings. It ended with Imani making a sour face as she dropped the strap-on dildo on the floor.
All of our mugshots appeared. A moment, later, the show moved onto another group.
“They didn’t put Agatha’s picture on the screen,” Yolanda said. “Does that mean she’s dead?”
“I think that’s exactly what it means,” I said, my voice grim. There was no way the crazy old woman could survive down here on her own. Nobody had said it out loud yet, but we were all thinking it.
“Wait,” Chris said. Brandon’s older brother had a deeper voice, and it surprised me when he spoke. This was only the second time I’d heard him speak. “There’s more to it. She was edited out of the scene. She was next to me under the speedbump, but she wasn’t there when they showed it.”
“Oh yeah,” Brandon said. “Weird.”
“What does that mean?” Yolanda asked.
“Who the hell knows?” I said.
Donut was ignoring all of this as she hopped up and down. “Two shows in one day, Carl. Two shows! Maybe there is more, too. Do you think we’re on more shows?”
I sighed. “Donut. You need to stop obsessing over this. It’s dangerous. It’s going to get us killed.”
“I’m not obsessing,” she said. “What makes you think I’ve been obsessing?”
“People like you because of what you’ve been doing,” I said. “If you start playing for the camera, they’re going to like you less. And if you die, you won’t be remembered at all. So try not to think about it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Carl,” she said.
The show wrapped up. And a moment later, the announcement rattled through the storm shelter.
Hello crawlers.
Welcome to the second floor. Congratulations to all of you. We have just under 1.3 million crawlers still in the game. That number is slightly lower than our projections, so we are speeding up the second floor timer to the minimum legally allowed by the rules. You have six days to find a staircase down. Once again, we urge you all to wait until the last possible moment to descend.
As soon as this announcement ends, you will find that follows and favorites will be turned on for our viewers. The numbers will populate slowly on your interface, so don’t be too disappointed if you don’t see anything just yet.
We have improved how patronage works this season. This is a major change, so please pay attention.
All crawlers are now limited to three patrons, and all three spots will be up for auction for one day immediately upon the induction of the fourth floor, then fifth, then sixth floors respectively. Your benefactors may so choose to transfer their patronage to other parties at their own discretion starting on the seventh floor.
All patronage spots will become available at a bid of one credit, meaning this season virtually all living crawlers will have patrons.
But, be warned. Any bids the patron pays above the standard patronage fee will be reflected in loot box discounts for that patron. Any funds below the fee will be reflected in additional costs to that patron for loot boxes. In other words, the more your patron pays for you, the more and higher-quality Benefactor Boxes you may receive. The higher your social numbers, the better your chances at receiving the best loot. Your tutorial guide should have more details and will help you if you have any additional questions.
Finally, we must say we are disappointed in the disrespect we are being shown regarding the bathrooms. As of this moment, if any human-born crawler intentionally urinates or defecates anywhere outside a designated bathroom area, they will be immediately and swiftly penalized in the form of a Rage Elemental plucked from the 13th floor. This elemental will kill them and everyone in their party before they can get their pants back up.
That’s it for tonight. Have fun out there, and remember to kill, kill, kill!
Brandon turned to Yolanda. “You better tell Jack not to pee in the hallways anymore.”
Yolanda had gone pale. I hadn’t even realized that this was a problem. Jack was one of the guys who used a walker, not a wheelchair. He wore a Cincinnati Bengals hat and was always poking at the female residents, saying, “You still alive, Marybeth?” None of them were named Marybeth.
“I have a few adult pads left. I’ll make sure he puts one on,” Yolanda said.
“Their reasoning for speeding it up doesn’t make any sense,” Imani said.
I nodded, agreeing. “If anything, it seems like they’re trying to get rid of us faster.”
“Carl, Carl! I have a follower! My first follower!” Donut cried. “Another! A view! I have a view!”
“Yeah,” I said. “You know that viewer is watching you right now. So maybe you should stop acting crazy. We talked about this.”
Donut stiffened, her eyes going wide. “You’re right,” she said. She sat down and licked her paw, suddenly looking nonchalant. “That was quite the battle today, don’t you think, Carl?”
She said this in a weird, stilted, I’m-trying-to-act-casual-but-I’m-not-very-good-at-it voice.
I sighed, and it took everything not to say my catchphrase out loud. She’s going to get used to it. It’s new, so you gotta give her time. After Odette’s show finished airing, I knew those numbers were going to skyrocket.
This was going to be a long night.
32
Time to Collapse: Five days, ten hours
Views: 69 Billion
Followers: 635 Million
Favorites: 149 Million
As we approached the quadrant with the stairwell, we could now see that there was a tutorial guild and another saferoom just beyond the stairs. The plan was to probe the monsters, see how difficult they were. If it was something we could handle, we’d clear them out. Once we found the boss room, we’d make a judgment call on how to proceed. After that, we’d escort team Meadow Lark into the stairwell.
We’d gone to sleep a
nd woken up with our social numbers in the stratosphere. Donut’s views and follows were about equal with my own, but her favorites were twice as high. It made sense. Mordecai had said people only got a limited number of favorites to use, and Donut was the more entertaining member of our duo. I was okay with that.
I tried not to think about it. We had important work to do today. Even Donut, thankfully, began to pay attention to the task at hand as we saw the first few red dots appear on our map. She’d been saying some motivational bullshit about seizing the day and fighting for the honor of our elders, but I think even she realized she was being annoying. A couple followers had ticked away, and you’d have thought that someone had stabbed her in the face with the way she’d reacted.
The dots were just off the main thoroughfare. The main arteries on this floor weren’t as wide as they’d been one floor up, and the ground was less even. Within the actual quadrants, we had to watch our step. The concrete floor was cracked and splintered. Little sharp rocks were everywhere.
I kicked a rock away. Below, my shiny toes glittered. I’d tried to get Donut to show me how to use the pedicure kit, and she’d laughed at me. It was Imani, of all people, who’d sat down with me. The stoic nurse pulled the tools out one at a time, matter-of-factly explaining how they worked.
The buffs all activated after about fifteen minutes of work. I didn’t need to use all the items. I just had to make a show of it. But now my feet glittered, and while the sensation wasn’t any different than it had been before, I could sense the unbreakable aspect of my foot bones. I knew if I dropped a boulder on my toes, they wouldn’t splinter. It’d still hurt, but they’d remain intact and unscarred and as pretty as ever for the psychotic AI.
I peered around the corner at the monsters. There were three of them sitting in a wide room lit by torches. They sat in a circle, playing dice. They were small, troll-like humanoids with oversized heads. Each had hook noses, ruddy cheeks, and mouths with only a few teeth. They wore tattered green overalls covered in patches. Each had pilgrim style, buckled shoes. Much too small for me.
If it wasn’t for their mottled skin and curly black hair, I’d think they were a type of goblin. All three of them had runny noses. They coughed and sneezed and snorted and rubbed their sleeves with their arms as they played their game.
All three of them had slingshots on their laps. Ranged weapons. I didn’t like ranged weapons.
Unvaccinated Clurichaun Rev-Up Consultant – Level 3
If you hear banjo music, run.
Clurichauns are distant, hillbilly relatives of the Leprechauns. And while the Leprechauns are said to guard vast piles of gold, the only thing Clurichauns might hoard are Polaroids of their own sisters sitting on the can and questionable business schemes. This particular sect is of the unvaccinated variety. Don’t let them sneeze on you.
WARNING: This is a fairy-class mob. Mobs of this class inflict 20% more damage against you due to your goblin pass.
I eased back around the corner.
“Man, I really wish we could figure out a way to turn their dots white. Then we could use your charm skill.”
“Do they have wings? My butterfly collar charm causes winged fairies to like me.”
“I don’t think they do,” I said.
“Maybe if we capture one, we can talk to it,” Donut said.
“I’d say that’s a good idea,” I said. “But not with these guys. We need to kill them from a distance. They’re toxic. I’m pretty sure they inflict something like your sepsis debuff on us. Let’s try hitting them with three magic missiles, super quick. Do a four power for each one and see what happens. If they don’t go down, hit them again.”
Donut nodded and jumped to my shoulder. “Ready,” she said, all business.
We popped around the corner. Thwap, thwap, thwap.
Donut struck each one with a headshot. They didn’t even know what hit them. They died where they sat.
“How many mana points do you have left?”
“Fourteen,” Donut said.
“Do you want to try your new Second Chance spell? It costs ten, right?”
I didn’t have to ask her twice. Donut’s whole body glowed a neon purple. A moment later, one of the clurichauns twitched. It glowed purple, matching Donut’s hue. It stumbled to its feet and just stood there, its scorched and blown-in head listing to the side. A moan emanated from its wet, snotty mouth. On my shoulder, Donut shuddered. A one-minute timer hovered over the undead creature. A clear liquid oozed out of the hole in its head. It moaned again, this time louder.
Undead Minion of Crawler Princess Donut – Unvaccinated Clurichaun Consultant – Level 1
It continued to sway, not moving from that spot.
“This is most unpleasant,” Donut said. She made a sound like she was going to retch. “I do not like this, Carl.”
“I wonder if they’ll always be level one,” I said, fascinated. “Can you control it?”
“I don’t know,” Donut said hesitantly. “I don’t have any sort of controls.” She made a kind of uncomfortable whimpering noise, something I’d never heard from her before. “You,” she said, calling to the zombie. It didn’t seem to react. “Rip up the dead bodies of your friends.”
It swayed there for another moment. The countdown was down to 25 seconds. Then it went to its knees and started taking apart one of his companions. It reached into the stomach and just yanked a line of intestines out like a magician pulling streamers from a hat. They just kept coming and coming. The zombie groaned with an almost sexual pleasure. I felt a twinge of sickness gurgle in my own stomach.
“Yeah, that’s really gross,” I said.
The zombie clattered over, dead once again a few short seconds later. It’d left its job unfinished.
I eyed the remains dubiously. I knew we needed to destroy the corpses, but there were only so many ways the game could warn me that these guys were toxic. I didn’t even know if getting close enough to loot them was a good idea.
Before I could protest, Donut jumped down and looted them anyway. As a quadruped, she could pull the loose, non-slotted items like the slingshots and the dice into her own inventory without actually touching them as long as they weren’t too heavy or too far. I had to physically pick them up, which meant getting close to the contaminated bodies.
“Each of them has a clay jug of something called toilet-grade moonshine,” Donut said.
“They’re like the llamas,” I said. “They probably sell the stuff to the other mobs.”
We decided to forgo destroying the corpses for now. We’d angle back on our way out and kill any grubs skulking around the area. I contemplated just blowing the bodies up, but that seemed like a waste of perfectly good explosives. I could probably concoct something that would burn them. I had gallons and gallons of flammable liquid. Their moonshine would probably work, too. But it would take some thinking and trial and error. I really needed to get my hands on something like a poleax I could use to chop things up from afar.
“Did they have any slingshot ammo on them?” I asked as we crept deeper into the hallway.
“Yeah. They have little bags of rocks,” Donut said.
“Give me one of the slingshots and a couple bags. I want to try it out.”
It look me about three seconds to realize I wasn’t going to be a deadly wielder of the slingshot any time soon. But I was going to practice. I needed some sort of ranged weapon, one a bit more subtle than my usual stick of dynamite. As a kid, I’d had a slingshot, and I’d been pretty good with it. I used to set toy cars up on the edge of the fence and try to hit them.
The memory suddenly turned sour. I remembered my dad, finding my slingshot. He and his friends had played with it, breaking the band. He’d promised he’d get me a new one. He never did.
For the next hour we cleared out all of the clurichauns along the outer ring of the quadrant. And by we, I mean Donut. So far, all we found were the level three version. After each skirmish, Donut would raise one of them f
rom the dead, and I would practice hitting him with the slingshot.
The weapon did hardly any damage at all, though I was getting good at consistently hitting the monsters in the head. My Slingshot skill eventually raised to three, but it didn’t want to budge past that.
Donut’s skill in the Second Chance spell also rose to level three. The zombies weren’t any more powerful, but the monsters now hung around for three minutes instead of one.
Donut looted something unusual from one of the bodies. A pamphlet entitled Rev-Up. Make Money. Be Your Own Boss. Move to the next floor down. It didn’t appear to be magical. It was just a regular, trifold pamphlet.
“Let me see it,” I said. The colorful front showed a group of three, laughing, female clurichauns holding jugs of the moonshine. Several little phrases covered the pamphlet, written in Syndicate Standard. Things like “You’re the Boss Now” and “Your own hours” and “It’s not a pyramid!” and “Safe!*”
Inside the pamphlet was a wall of text of mostly gibberish about the benefits of becoming a “Rev-Up Moonshine Consultant.” On the right was a picture of a pyramid with, “It’s not a pyramid!” written all over it.
The bottom of the brochure stated, “See Krakaren or one of her downline consultants and learn how you can Rev-Up your life today!” On the back page it read, “Coming soon! Rev-Up Smoothies! Portable! Delicious! Invigorating!” The entire line was crossed out with “Discontinued” written under it.
“Do you think we can become consultants?” Donut asked after she spent an inordinate amount of time reading the pamphlet. “It says as business owners we gain power over ourselves and can seize our own destinies.”
“That doesn’t even mean anything,” I said. “They’re just making fun of pyramid schemes. You remember when Bea wanted to start selling those leggings? It’s like that.” The closet in Donut’s trophy room had been filled with boxes of the things. Donut had gotten into one of the boxes and peed in it. I smiled, remembering. Bea had raged at the poor cat.
Dungeon Crawler Carl Page 25