by Amelia Shaw
I shook my head and gripped his hands tighter. I opened my mouth again, trying to gather the words to express my sympathy, my regret. Most of our friendship had been rocky, especially given our mutual feelings for Fin. I wished he’d used this last little bit of himself to talk to Fin, but knew he couldn’t. Fin was a pure fae, he couldn’t connect with the Captain the way I could, through our mage magic.
Grasping onto the first thing that popped into my head, I said, “Is there anything you can tell me about that knife?”
He shook his head. “No, I knew he had it. There are several weapons with those sorts of abilities, but it’s sort of an unspoken rule that you don’t use them against others with magic.”
“So what, you’re supposed to save them for people without magic? That doesn’t seem right. If you can’t tell me about the knife, can you tell me anything about how to steal it from him, or how to negate its magic? Either way, Esteban isn’t following that rule anymore. He used it on Finn after you.”
His entire body went rigid, and his eyes flew wide. “What?”
“Don't worry, I took care of him. We’re at the Chief’s cottage right now. It looks like the Chief’s hatred of magic actually saved Fin’s life.”
His long gusty sigh of relief blew my hair around my face. “I fear Esteban is too far gone.”
“What do you mean?”
“Esteban has always been a little unstable. But our last several encounters he’s been even more so. And now, killing me with that weapon, and going after Fin. I fear he’s jumped off the deep end and there’s nothing that will be able to stop him.”
I wasn't going to take offense at that. “Well, I’m going to give it my best shot, especially since all I can think about is driving that damn knife right into his belly. Anything you know that will get that knife out of play?”
The Captain nodded. “Of all of the people I know, I think you could at least give him a run for his money. And yes, you need to find a metalsmith. They are rare, but they might be able to help either take apart the magic in the weapon, or give you something to help fight against it.”
At least give him a run for his money?
I shoved at his shoulder in mock affront. “For the record, he and I have gone head-to-head three times now. And every time I’ve come out alive.”
He snorted. “Barely alive, maybe?”
Even his residual consciousness was giving me shit.
“Is there anything you need?”
He nodded. “I want you to be easy with Fin. He acts way tougher than he actually is. Every time he closes down, and pushes you away, it’s his way of trying to protect himself. Just be gentle.”
I glared at him. “Be gentle with the man who keeps lying to me? How do you propose I do that?”
My tone carried some of the bite I used on Fin earlier.
The Captain averted his gaze from mine. “He doesn’t mean to keep lying to you. The man is fucking old, Zoey. Be patient with him as he learns both the ways of modern women and your ways.”
“I don’t even know what that means?”
His snort called me an idiot. “Ask me how many women he’s dated in the many. many years he and I have been friends.”
Not that I wanted to know. Okay, my jealous ass did. “Just tell me.”
“One. He’s dated one woman, casually, seriously, any of it. And that one woman is you. He tends to stay away from the opposite sex, and he doesn’t date men. As long as I’ve known him, he’s been going it alone, despite all that he has suffered and lost. So, you’re a novelty to him and he doesn’t know how to act.”
“And that gives him the right to keep things from me? I asked him point-blank what he knows and is hiding from me, and he told me he couldn’t tell me until I’m ready.”
The mats creaked underneath us as I shifted to lie flat on the blue vinyl. The Captain joined me, still holding my hand in his. Somehow, it didn’t feel weird here. In real life, I’d have cut off his hand and thrown it back to him.
Now, though, it was beginning to feel like I was giving a little of myself to keep him with me longer.
“Don’t pretend you don’t have your own secrets to keep,” the Captain said. “I know you well enough by now to guess you have at least one or two things you haven’t told him you probably should have.”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed. “I’ll think about it.”
“There’s one more thing I want you to do for me.”
“Just as demanding in death as you were in life.”
He grunted and nudged my shoulder with his.
“Too soon?” I asked.
“I want you to kill Esteban.”
His words surprised me. I thought we were already on the same page when it came to that bastard. “Of course, I’m going to kill him. What, did you think we were going to run off together?”
I shuddered, unable to even speak about such a thing in jest.
“No, I mean, I want you to physically end his life. When it comes down to it, Fin will hesitate, and it might get him killed. Don’t even let him in the situation. If you have the chance, take it, and don’t let Fin be the one standing between you.”
Each word he spoke had a forceful edge to it, as if he were trying to impart some hidden meaning I should be able to grasp.
I couldn’t, not right now, so I said, “Of course, I’ll handle it. Do you happen to have any tips, tricks, or tidbits, on how to deal with this guy that you might not have told me before?”
He turned his head to stare at me, and again, I felt like there might be something he desperately wanted to impart, that I shouldn’t have to ask. But he didn’t speak.
So, I turned my attention back to the white ceiling above me, and spent the last few lingering moments I had with the Captain. If he wanted to lay here in silence, I wasn’t about to take that away from him.
The dreamy haze of the moment began to wane. I could feel myself starting to wake up. I gripped his hand tighter, hoping to keep him with me, even as I knew I needed to let him go.
“I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I wasn’t at the house and I’m not now. I know I’ve been a complete brat to you, but I like you. I liked you even when I first met you. We’re too alike for us to remain enemies.”
He laughed, warm and soft. It felt good to hear it in the air around me. “We aren’t saying goodbye, Zoey, because I’m already gone. This is just your mind, and my magic’s way of giving us a few more moments together.”
“Does Fin get to say goodbye too?”
I tilted my head to see his eyes better.
“No, he doesn’t. But he knows how I felt about him, and I knew how he felt about me too. Like you and him, he and I shared a bond as well. Not the same kind of bond, but unbreakable nonetheless.”
It was the closest we’d come to speaking about our aligned feelings for Fin, but I didn’t want to taint the moment by bringing it up, so I just nodded.
“Any chance I can get you to tell me what Fin’s last secret is? The one he’s hiding behind. I will not lie. It might be the one to push us apart for good.”
“You two don’t have a chance of being apart. Even angry at each other and practically forcing yourselves away, you always end up drifting together again. And to answer your question, no, I won’t tell you, not yet. As Fin said, you’re not ready. But I might give you a bit of a hint.”
“Please do. I need all the help I can get to get inside Fin’s head. Sometimes I feel like he’s even more secretive and paranoid than the Chief.”
We rolled onto our sides to face each other.
“I doubt anyone is more secretive and paranoid than your father.”
The urge to clarify that the Chief wasn’t my father rose to my lips. But after everything he’d done for me today, I couldn’t bring myself to denounce him.
“Progress,” the Captain murmured. “You might not think so, but you’ve changed since I first met you. While you’re still an asshole, you’re at least starting to open
your mind to the possibility that people can care about it. And you can care about them.”
Tears threatened at the corners of my eyes as I watched the air shimmer around him. “I always lose the people I care about.”
“You never lose them. They stay with you—you just can’t see them anymore.”
My chest rose and fell with a strained laugh. “Well, that’s bullshit, but thanks for trying. And stop spreading rumors I’ve gone soft.”
“What do you think I’m doing here now? Staying.”
“You’re literally fading out in front of my eyes. You don’t get to stay, even in my dreams.”
He shrugged. “Maybe that’s the only place I get to stay. But keep it clean, all right? I have a reputation to protect.”
His form went a little hazy, like I could reach out and stick my hand through the middle of his chest. Not that I wanted to. It would mean this wasn’t real, and I needed it to be real more than I needed to breathe right now.
“How much time do we have left?” I asked.
“Enough. Now, promise me again you’ll take out Esteban. Yourself. If you can manage it, don’t even let Fin in the same room when you do it.”
I wiped away a stray tear that escaped. “I already promised I would. Geez, Old Man, stop mothering me.”
He reached out and took my hand in his and I focused on keeping it solid, not letting my fingers slip through the smoke of his own. “I just needed to make sure you understand how important it is that you not let him face Esteban.”
I nodded. “I got it. Don’t let Fin anywhere near Esteban when I cut off his head and feed it to a pack of wild dogs.”
His eyes crinkled as he laughed. “Sometimes, not when it’s used against me, but sometimes, I appreciate how vicious you are.”
“I try, you old sweet talker.”
The lights flickered around the room and I stared straight at his face, still feeling his fingertips against my own. He was my friend. Yet another person in my life I’d lost.
“It’s time for me to go,” he whispered and reached out to drag me into his arms.
“You sure you can’t stay? There’s no magic I can do to help you, or keep you here with me?”
He shook his head as it rested on my shoulder. Side by side this hug was awkward, but I didn’t care as I clutched him to me.
“Remember your promise,” he whispered, his voice growing fainter.
“I will. Don’t worry. Is there anything you need me to do for you? Any last wish, or anything you want me to delete from your browser history before someone finds it?”
He chuckled in my ear, and I reveled in the tightening of his arms around me. “No, thank you. Fin knows all my final wishes, and I’ve never owned a computer. I promise, I was prepared to go at any moment and somehow, I always knew it would be Esteban who took me down. I just wish I could have gotten him at the same time. Then it might have been worth it.”
“Fin will miss you. I’ll tell him you said goodbye.”
His face started to disappear, and I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on his torso under my hands.
“Be nice to your mate. He doesn’t even know where to begin when it comes to you.”
The Captain disappeared completely, and I blinked my eyes open to stare at the sun-streaked ceiling of the cottage.
Chapter Three
WHEN I WOKE, TEARS were pouring down my face. My neck, my shirt, my ears, even my hair were soaked with them.
I spent a couple of moments forcing myself to breathe, and remembering where I was, and why. The Captain’s presence was a lingering memory in the back of my mind.
I closed my eyes and made a vow to myself. Esteban will die. Not just to keep my promise to the Captain, but to avenge his death.
As I laid there, I realized how much this mission was no longer about my parents. It felt a bit like a betrayal, to them. Like I’d lost my original focus.
Did that mean that I didn’t care as much about them as I should?
A sob escaped my throat, and I splayed my fingers over my mouth to stifle any more. I’d mourned my parents a long time ago, but the Captain’s death was still fresh. It hurt like a jagged wound to the gut.
“Are you all right?” a deep voice asked from the shadows of the lounge room.
I startled, but then I caught sight of the low light splashed across ridiculous cheekbones and relaxed.
“Yes, I’m fine. What the hell are you doing sitting there watching me sleep?”
Fin shook his head, his shoulders slumped in a way that could almost be described as defeated. “No, I thought I felt...”
“What?”
“Harlan,” he said. He stared off at the wall, refusing to meet my eyes.
I could tell him about the dream, and what the Captain had told me, but not right now. Not while ugly secrets were burrowed between us.
We’d never had an easy relationship, but somehow, with him refusing to help me breach the distance, it seemed harder. And under the heavy weight of the Captain’s death, it didn’t feel like it was worth the effort. Not today, not right now.
I rolled onto my side and tucked my hand under the pillow so I could see him better without craning my neck.
Finally, he dragged his gaze back to mine, but a sheen covered his eyes. Like he didn’t want me to see him cry. A stupid notion considering he just watched me wake up and have a mini break down.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” he whispered. “I don’t think I am. Not right now.”
“That’s fine. We don’t have to be okay all the time. But maybe let’s not watch me sleep in the future. It’s creepy as hell.”
A jagged laugh burst from him and he shook his head. “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep, and I kept wanting you beside me so I came out here to sit, hoping that being close to you would help. Obviously, it didn’t in the sleep department, but I stayed anyway.”
He gave another shake of his head like he’d talked himself out of saying something. “Where’d you go? I thought I felt magic.”
I waved around the room like LeVar Burton. “No magic, remember? I don’t know what you felt, but it wasn’t me going anywhere. I just had a dream.”
There was no way to tell if he believed me, not in near darkness with so many other emotions flashing across his face in regular intervals.
“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” I asked. “You seem like you need to say something.”
When he didn’t answer, I kept my eye on him as I snuggled deeper into my blankets. It was still dark outside, and I needed way more sleep than my Captain interrupted dreams supplied.
How did we get here again?
Or how did we keep coming back here?
Secrets and lies. I was so tired of them ruining everything good in my life. Well, secrets, lies, and fucking Esteban.
The Captain’s little hint about me being Fin’s mate was still ringing in my head. As I watched Fin, I wanted to ask him what it meant, and yet, if it was what he is refusing to talk to me about, I didn’t want to hear him reject my attempts to draw him out again. It was way too fucking early in the day for that.
I knew nothing about fae mates, or what it meant to be someone’s mate. Even worse, what my mage blood might contribute to the whole damn mess.
I made a note in my head to try and learn what I could on my own, since I doubted Fin would give me any details, and it was way too obvious to ask him after waking up from that dream.
“I’m tired,” Fin whispered into the quiet room, only the tinkle of the dying embers in the hearth to compete with the sound.
“Go back to bed.”
He dropped his chin. “No, I’m tired of fighting. Tired of seeing the people I love get hurt and die. I don’t think I have anything left to sacrifice in this war against him. He’s taken almost everything from me, killing me slowly and methodically. He always was a patient bastard.”
My heart ached for Fin, and it took everything I had not to shuffle over to his chair and
comfort him. Wrap my arms around him and tell him everything will be okay.
I couldn’t wrap my arms around him and lie. We might all die in our next big fight against Esteban. Hell, there was no way of knowing how this would all turn out and I couldn’t put that lie on top of everything else between us.
So, I kept my mouth shut and lay there with him, hoping, at least, my presence could bring him some of the comfort he needed right now.
A door down the hall opened and closed heavily. I let out a long sigh and shoved back my covers. No more sleep for me.
As I expected, the Chief walked out and stared at us both. “Well, since everyone is up right now, let’s get some training in.”
Fin gave him what I thought was supposed to be a withering stare. No one alive could intimidate the Chief.
“I don’t think I’ll be training until I can heal this wound.”
I stood and stretched my arms over my head to get some blood flowing. “Nice try. Not even losing a limb would get you out of training in this house. One time, I broke my wrist and I still had to show up and do what I could.”
That defeated look still hung over Fin’s shoulders. I didn’t doubt for a second the Chief could see it too.
“She’s right. Come on, you can do some weights or stretching while we spar. You need to get some movement in the side so scar tissue doesn’t set in before you can leave and try to magically heal it.”
Instead of arguing, Fin carefully shoved out of the chair and folded his blanket to lay across the back of it. “Since I doubt I’ll be able to argue my way out of this, we might as well get it over with.”
“That’s the spirit.” I grinned.
He didn’t look at me but followed the Chief down to the mats in the basement.
I made a quick stop to change into a sports bra and leggings. No way I was throwing punches with my chest flying around everywhere.
As I walked down the stairs, I dragged my hair up into a tight top knot. The Chief had already set out two sets of long wooden staffs in the middle of the mats.
I surveyed them and then studied the rack. “We should go for the short ones. I’m fighting with daggers these days.”