by Amelia Shaw
Shit like that wasn’t going to help my resolve.
His little grin told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. “To be fair, I don’t know if there have been many plans you’ve come up with that I liked. Especially the one or two that almost got you killed.”
I spun on him. “Excuse me, but I had zero plans for us to get killed, or even injured. If anything goes wrong on this one, well, it’ll be divine intervention.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean. You don’t think we’ll be in danger? Then why are we hiding out?”
I laughed. “Because we are still on Esteban’s radar and I have no desire to give him an easy target. But for now, we aren’t going after him. At least not yet.”
His shifted closer, then crawled across the bed to get to me. “Then what are we doing here? Why aren’t we going after him again?”
There was an urgency to his voice now.
I grabbed his hands and looked him in the eye. “Do you trust me?”
He blinked, sank his shoulders back, and then nodded. “Yes, I do trust you. Of course, I do.”
“Then let me handle this. We made a deal, remember?”
I folded myself onto the bed to sit beside him. “There are a few things you should know. The first of which, when you watched me sleeping, something did happen. The Captain visited me to say goodbye.”
Something in his eyes dimmed. “What did he say?”
“It was just the residual bits of our connection, our magic. He told me some stuff and we said goodbye to each other. That’s all that happened. And really, it’s not important. However, it’s led me to the plan which I think you’ll hate completely considering what it might eventually reveal if I’m right.”
“What?” His tone was soft now, as if he was struggling to rein in something.
I let out a long sigh. “Well, as I said, we aren’t going after Esteban right now. With that damn knife, he could kill us both easily. I don’t want to be on the wrong end of that. We need a way to combat it. So, instead, we’ll find us a magical metalsmith.”
He studied me a moment. “Oh. You want...”
“Yep. We aren’t chasing Esteban now. We’re going after Sol. And this time I plan to find her.”
Chapter Five
MY LIFE WOULD BE SO much easier if metalsmiths put their magical affiliations on their websites. Although, being on the magical scale myself, I could see why they probably wouldn’t want to advertise those things.
With a huff, I closed the fifteen tabs I’d opened in the last five minutes. Fin eyed me over the edge of his laptop. Both of our computers were linked to a secured network and untraceable thanks to the Chief’s contact who’d brought our supplies the night before.
“No luck?” he asked.
I glared and opened up another search engine. Surprise, surprise, each new search term turned up even less than the previous ones.
The problem with following thin leads was the fact that you needed a place to start. Somewhere to mark on a map with a big old red x where you retreat to gather your bearings. Right now, my map was x-less, as well as landmark-less. It was more like a murky page with some squiggles than a map at this point.
I didn’t like it.
My phone vibrated on the couch next to my knee. I glanced at the screen and snatched it up. “Hello?”
“The Chief told me you were needing a list of magical metalsmiths. I sent you an email a minute ago with all the data the Office, and anyone on the team, has. I also did some searching on my own and added those to the list.”
“Thanks, Hawk. I appreciate the help.”
His snort was loud enough to cut through the line. “I don’t believe that for a second but I’m glad you’re finally asking for help. Or at the very least, accepting it when offered.”
“If you want me to answer the phone the next time you call, shut up.”
My retort earned me a laugh. “I’ll call you if I get more info. Do you need anything else from me?”
Hawk was pushing the limits of my patience, as usual. “No. I’m good.”
Another heartbeat and he hung up without a goodbye. Something I appreciated about Hawk: he never wasted words.
I opened my email and scanned the list Hawk had created. Of course, he had gotten a lot further than I had. To be fair, he had countless people at his disposal to compile data.
I just had Fin. Who I was barely speaking to at the moment.
“Do you think it’s wise bringing anyone else in to help us?” he asked.
I tried to keep the scowl off my face as I typed on my laptop and said, “Says the man who had a small personal army attempting to track down Esteban before.”
“Look how that turned out.” The note of pain in his voice forced me to look at him. Despite my anger, I hated seeing him hurting.
“The Chief can take care of himself. And so can Hawk. If anyone tries to go for one of them, they’d have hundreds of bounty hunters on their backs in seconds, with me leading the charge. We don’t take encroachment on our territory lightly.”
He tugged the laptop onto his knees before closing it with a decided click. “I just don’t want to put anyone else in danger if we don’t need to.”
With everything we’d suffered lately, and the loss we were both grieving, I could understand his perspective. Hell, even applaud it, as I’d always been more of a solitary creature anyway. But this time, we needed help.
I closed my own laptop and sat it carefully on the coffee table. “Tell me, Fin, do you enjoy getting your ass handed to you all the time?”
His forehead bunched up as he stared at me. “What?”
“I don’t know if you realize this, but for two people at the top of our games, we get our ass kicked a lot. I’m tired of it. So, if bringing Hawk in to help me do research keeps me from taking one more punch then I’m doing it. This is my show, remember?”
A part of me should have felt guilty for how hard I’d been coming down on him. Yet, I couldn’t rein myself in when he was wilfully hiding things from me.
As a concession, I changed the subject. “Did you get the arrangements made for the Captain?”
Fin scrubbed his hands over his face and into the collar-length honey brown strands of his hair. “Yes. Everything is set. I also paid and sent away the staff at the house and most of my properties until we get things under control. They won’t care as they’re being well compensated.”
He sounded defeated, like he’d been run over by a bus and didn’t have the will to peel himself off the pavement again. It hurt my heart.
“I’m sorry we can’t be there for him. We’ll go visit and bring him a picture of Esteban’s head separated from his body. I’m sure he’d like that more than flowers.”
His surprised laugh eased something in my chest. I hadn’t lost him yet. Despite the anger, I didn’t intend to. We just needed to work on our communication skills a bit. Also, maybe our combat skills after I kicked his ass for putting me through this crap.
Fin smiled. “Holly tried to argue with me, saying we’d need someone to take care of us wherever we’re going. It hurt to turn her down knowing how well either of us cook.”
Holly. The woman I’d marry if I wasn’t so damn straight. I missed her cooking already. “Soon. Hopefully she doesn’t wander off while she’s on her paid vacation. I’d hate to lose her French toast.”
Fin levered off the other end of the couch, wincing, then plopped down closer to me. Even with a foot of space between us, him being so close to me felt like trying to breathe in the middle of a heatwave.
“What are you doing?” I asked, sure my wariness wasn’t completely stripped from my voice.
He reached out and dragged me into the curve of his arm. For a flash of a second, I allowed it. I let him comfort me, then I tugged myself gently from his grip and scooted further to the arm of the couch and shoved a huge throw pillow between us.
With ease, he batted the pillow to the floor. “Really?”
“W
hat do you expect from me? I don’t trust you that way right now.”
He slid an inch closer. “What way? You’ve been acting weird since you woke up at the Chief’s cabin. What else did the Captain say to you?”
I threw him a glare. “None of your business. And I’ve been acting weird? You aren’t ready for this conversation because I’m going to end up throwing large things at your head by the end of it.”
His gaze narrowed at me, a flash of anger pulsing through his eyes. “What the fuck, Zoey? What more do you want from me? I’m not perfect, and I never pretended to be. Can you stop trying to force me or our relationship into some idyllic mold you have in your head? You want me to touch you. I want to touch you. So why are you denying yourself?”
I waved at him and shoved off the couch. “Because of this right here. The moment I give an inch, you’ll sweep in and take down all my defenses. I barely have any dignity left to begin with. I can’t compromise it for you.”
“What does offering a little comfort have to do with your dignity, or mine?” He swept his gaze from my head to my toes as if he’d never seen me before. Like he’d assessed me, and I didn’t hold up.
How could I make him understand? Every time he told me nothing else would pop up to get between us, he’d lied. And every single time I wanted to believe he’d keep his word and told me the truth about everything. Not just what he decided was good for me to know.
He hadn’t learned the lesson yet, and I wasn’t willing to fold this time, even if all I wanted to do was crawl onto his lap and let him hold me.
“If you don’t understand why I’m pushing you away, then I can’t help you.”
He exploded off the couch and headed toward the bedroom. Anger vibrated through every step.
Oh, hell no.
I stalked him to the bed and stood over him as he sank onto the mattress. “No. You don’t get to be mad at me when you’re the one keeping secrets. Tell me what you’re hiding, and I’ll drop it.”
He shook his head. “I highly doubt it. You’ll ride this out until you find something else to be upset about. Another infraction I’ve committed you can use to keep me at arm’s length.”
This was why rich people had so many heavy antique knick-knacks lying around. I wished I had one of his fancy baubles to throw at him.
Instead, I had to use my words like a normal person. “You’re an asshole. I’ve said it before, and I repeat the statement. You know what? I already know some of what you’re trying to keep from me. I doubt it’s the only thing you’re hiding but the Captain’s spirit or whatever was super chatty.”
It was a lie, but I didn’t care. For once, I wanted him to feel the same uncertainty he seemed content to let me wallow in.
He was barely breathing. “What did he say?”
Nope. Not happening. He should know by now I don’t give up that easily.
“I’m not going to provide you information you already have.”
That statement only made him relax, his shoulders settling back. He thinks I don’t actually know anything. Or it’s a ploy to make me admit what the Captain really said.
Damn it. We shouldn’t have to play these fucking mind games. Not when we’re on the same side.
His relief at my response also terrified me. If he was no longer demanding answers, and he thought I knew nothing, then his secret might have been bigger than what I knew.
He’d never been forthcoming. Every time we had a meaningful conversation, I felt like I had to drag his feelings out of him. Yet he had the gall to be angry at me right now.
Before I did something I couldn’t take back, I walked around the bed and stared out the window. It was mid-day and the buildings were reflecting the light around the city like mirrors. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, I was too pissed off to enjoy it.
With my back still to him, I asked, “Is this our life now? We’ll just keep fighting each other until finally, we’re too screwed up to take on anyone else? What happens to Esteban then? Who will go after him if we can’t get our shit together long enough to finally face him?”
I hated the hint of panic on the end of my voice. The slight wobble which betrayed my emotions to him.
He didn’t try to comfort me again, and I was thankful I didn’t have to shake him off in another rejection. Despite what he thought, I hated pushing him away. But it was the only thing I could think to do in self-preservation. The only way I could think to protect my heart, especially since it was already completely and irrevocably his.
“We’re in this together, Zoey. Even if you’re fighting me about it the entire way.” His voice is a lot closer, and I glanced over my shoulder.
He put himself between me and the bank of windows. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m not going to leave you. You’re not going to lose me. So, stop being so stubborn. You don’t have to be the strongest person in the room all the time.”
Gods. He was a man! And a Fae at that.
And like any other man, he’d never understand how much of who I was I’d had to build up to protect myself. Not just from getting my heart broken, but to keep myself sane in a world built by men who saw every slip of emotion as a weakness. Many of them weren’t afraid to strike the moment they spotted it.
Instead of trying to explain, I said, “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t trust you. It’s gone and I don’t think I’ll be able to get it back. I’ve given you so many chances to be honest with me. To talk to me instead of shutting me out, so many chances that I don’t even know what number we’re on now. It’s always been because I want to see the best in you, but then you go and pull this shit.”
He swallowed so heavily I could hear it. “Zoey...”
I shoved his reaching hands away from me. “No. Don’t bother. The only reason I didn’t walk out on you at the Chief’s house after the Captain and I spoke was because I made him a promise.”
“What promise?”
I huffed. “Really? You don’t have a right to my answers. It was a promise I made to him and I plan to keep it. After I do, we’ll go our separate ways for good and never see each other again.”
He grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away, but I brought the bony edge of my forearm down hard on his wrist. His fingers loosened and I put enough physical space between us to match the emotional distance.
“Zoey...” He said my name like I was being unreasonable.
I’d heard that tone in a man’s voice too many times. He thinks he can talk me into whatever he wants but he’s about to get a wakeup call.
I spun to face him and advanced so there were only a few inches separating us. The bond between us flashed bright and hot, demanding attention, but I had more control than that.
“When we are done here, I’m gone.” I kept my voice firm and slow, enunciating every word so he didn’t miss a syllable.
He wrapped his hands around my waist and jerked me hard into his chest. “Do you think it’s that easy? Do you think you’re strong enough to walk away from this right here? I’m barely touching you and I’m hard enough I could come in my pants.”
When he dipped his chin, I knew he was going to try and kiss me. I arched my neck so his lips landed on my cheek.
“Why won’t I be able to stay away from you?” I grabbed his cheeks in my hands and forced him to lock gazes with me. “Why is that? Because I’m your mate?”
Chapter Six
DESPITE THE ARGUMENT, I hadn’t meant for that to pop out the way it had. It wasn’t as if I was betraying the Captain by revealing what I knew, but I hadn’t meant to start this entire mate discussion when I wanted to smash Fin in his pretty nose.
I turned and fled from the living room and into the bedroom, and like a responsible adult, I slammed the door before he could get to it.
The only thing keeping him from telling me the truth was his overinflated sense of honor. A sense that didn’t extend to telling his mate important things she needed to know. I threw myself on the bed, face first in the pillow to s
cream my frustration into the soft down.
The swish of the door opening made me look up. He stood in the doorway, his face pale. I’d shocked him.
Good, it had been a shock to me too.
“How...” He cleared his throat. “How did you find out?”
I didn’t bother sitting up on the bed. I just turned on my side to face him. “The Captain let it slip. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think it was on purpose. He didn’t seem aware he’d used the word ‘mate’ before our connection was cut.”
He sat on the end of the bed past my feet, his head hanging. “I don’t know what to say.”
Of course he didn’t. I rolled my eyes and buried my face in the pillow again. If nothing came to mind, then he probably shouldn’t be talking to me yet.
“It wasn’t something I planned,” he added.
I turned again so he could hear me. “Yeah, me either. But thanks for that.”
He huffed. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
I sighed. Some of my anger had fizzled out at the crestfallen look on his face.
“Did you plan to tell me at all?”
He didn’t meet my eyes when he spoke again. “Yes, but I hadn’t figured out a way to tell you yet. You’re so strong. I knew you’d be upset, and I didn’t have any answers either. You would have asked how to break it and I didn’t want to have to tell you it’s impossible.”
“Impossible is a big fucking word in a realm of magic.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but my phone rang. Grateful for the distraction, I crawled all over my bed looking for the phone, then answered once I caught Hawk’s name on the screen.
“What’s up?”
Hawk’s deep timbre cut through the line. “I think I have a lead for you. Can you tell me anything else about who you’re looking for specifically?’
I hit the speaker button and thrust the phone between Fin and me. “You’re on speaker with both of us, Hawk.”
“I need more information about the target,” Hawk said. “What does she look like? Any defining characteristics, personality?”