by Daniel Gibbs
“Let us pray.” As heads bowed across the gathered mourners, the chaplain continued. “Dear Lord, we ask You to accept the soul of Sheila Thompson into Your loving care. We ask You to minister to her family and friends, and we ask You to heal them and heal our nation. In Your name we pray, Amen.”
David bowed his head out of respect but was lost in his own thoughts. It’s so easy to just chalk it all up to God’s will. But why does He let this continue to happen?
The honor guard stepped up to the casket, and the officer in charge requested that the mourners stand for rendering of honors. David stood and took a parade rest stance. The sergeant that led the honor guard commanded, “Present, arms!”
Gleaming and polished antique rifles snapped up to the port arms position, the rifles resting against their shoulders. “Aim!” the sergeant shouted, and moving as one, the honor guard pointed the rifles at the sky. “Fire!” A volley rang out, followed by another, then a third.
An unseen bugler played the notes to “Taps,” and as Sheila’s family sat, the honor guard folded the flag that draped her casket. It was all too much for David; tears streamed down his face. He nearly broke into sobs but managed to control himself enough not to do so. As the soldiers completed folding the flag into its neat little triangle, the sergeant, with slow and precise movements, presented it to the officer in charge of the ceremony. With deliberate steps, he walked to stand directly in front of Sheila’s mother before leaning down and presenting her with the flag. David could hear her crying as she took it from him.
The honor guard marched away, along with the caisson and the riderless horse. For a few minutes afterwards, the chaplain consoled Sheila’s parents, especially her mother, who was clearly in extreme grief. David hung back with the rest of the Lion’s command staff, waiting for the service to end. His ministering complete, the chaplain announced that the service was finished; the dignitaries and friends of the family began to walk away from the gravesite.
David looked toward Sheila’s mother and realized he would rather go into battle without a weapon than face her right now. In Sheila’s recording, she had implored him to talk to her mother, so he steeled himself to do it. Forcing his shoulders back, David walked with purpose up to the family and addressed them.
“Mr. and Mrs. Thompson.”
“You must be David,” Sheila’s mother replied.
“Yes, ma’am. David Cohen.”
“Sheila said a lot about you over the years.”
David’s eyes filled with tears. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.”
“I never wanted her to go down this path. I didn’t want her to spend a lifetime in the military.”
“I believe Sheila, if she was here, would tell you that she wanted to make a difference, and that service to the CDF was how she made that difference.”
“Did she make a difference? Did her death matter? Was it worth it?” The last few words were said at a higher pitch, and David could sense the anger behind them.
David paused, not entirely sure how to respond. In truth, he didn’t quite believe Sheila’s death was worth it, but that was colored by how raw the loss of her was. Inside a dark corner of his heart, there was a part of him that wished someone else had made the sacrifice that day, not her. “Sheila made a difference every day, ma’am,” he finally said. “I’ve seen few people with more dedication to the cause. She was my best friend in this galaxy. Was her death worth it? Did it matter? Yes, it mattered. She saved the ship. She saved us all. Do I wish every minute that it wasn’t her that did it? Yes. But she did what she believed was right. That’s one of the things I loved about her.”
“You’re alive because of her?”
“Yes,” David replied.
Sheila’s mother closed her eyes for a moment. “Then make sure you do something with her gift. Because it came at a very high cost.” Crying, she turned away.
David stood there for a minute until Ruth and the rest of the senior staff got his attention and helped him away from the gravesite. Just wanting to be alone, he took his leave of them and began to walk down the dusty path away from the grave and back toward civilization.
Calvin walked up the driveway to his home, looking up at the Terran Coalition flag raised high on the flagpole in the yard. He reflected for a moment on how much he loved the flag and the ceremonies around it. He had always planned to enlist his children, once he had some, to assist him in raising and lowering the flag each day. Until then, he just kept it lighted. He had been worried the entire trip home what his wife would have to say to him, but it turned out, he shouldn’t have been. Before he was halfway up the driveway, the front door flew open and Jessica ran out with tears of joy in her eyes. He quickened his pace to meet her in the middle, embraced her, and they kissed each other passionately.
“I’m sorry for what I said, baby,” she said to him softly. “I can’t tell you how proud of you I am.”
Calvin stared into her eyes. “Unless you just have something for a man in uniform...”
She laughed at his lame attempt at humor.
“I’ve got to ask you what changed, because you were pretty upset with me.”
“I’ve seen interview after interview on the holonets from the families of the POWs your team rescued. Now I know why you had to be there. God wanted you in that place, so you could save them.”
“It wasn’t me, baby; it was all of us.”
“You led them. You gave them confidence and courage. I’ve seen you do it with all these kids that you’ve been training.”
“So you’re okay with me staying in?”
“I’m not happy about it, but I see now it’s where you are supposed to be. It’s your calling, and I’ll be okay. I had my eggs frozen for a reason, and we can have a child whenever you are ready. So, you see this through, and then we can have our family.”
Calvin thought for a moment about how selfless she was being, and it made him love her all the more. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise. But for now, how about you let me show you how much I missed you?”
His wife kissed him playfully and called after him as she darted toward the house, “If you can catch me!”
42
David’s quarters were dark as he lay in bed considering the events of the day. It was simply too much for him to process, laying Sheila to rest with the other fallen. At the same time, planning to re-enter combat affected him in ways he didn’t expect or even understand. He was a mere automaton plodding along; his soul was crushed and he felt trapped in the depths of despair and hopelessness. After what seemed to him like hours of tossing and turning, he finally fell into a restless sleep.
Most nights, he’d have a dream or two that he might remember for a moment when he awoke, and occasionally, he’d remember something vividly, but he never had a dream quite like this one. It was almost as if he was conscious when he found himself transported to a field of green grass as far as the eye could see. The sun shined down on him as a gentle breeze blew through the grass. Looking out across the field, David felt peace he couldn’t explain flow over him like a river. Suddenly, he heard a woman’s voice. Not just any woman’s voice, but Sheila’s.
“David, I’ve missed you,” she said, clear as if she was standing beside him on the ship.
Turning to his right, he saw Sheila standing beside him in a white sundress. In stunned amazement, he managed to get out, “But…you’re gone.”
“My body is dead, but my soul isn’t. I’m still here with you.”
David raised an eyebrow. “This is all in my head. I must be having some whale of a dream.”
“No, not a dream. Something else, something you needed.”
David took her hand in his and squeezed it. It felt firm, and moreover, it felt real. Of course it feels real. It’s a construct of my mind. “And what does my subconscious think I need?”
“God thought you needed encouragement,” she said without a trace of hesitation or irony.
“HaShem? You’re telling
me you met him?” David asked.
Sheila laughed softly. “Yes. I met all three of them. David, you are so broken right now.” She squeezed his hand tightly. “You have to get past your grief in order to live on.”
“I don’t know how to... I’m lost and I know my actions and orders caused you to die,” David admitted, looking down at her hands. “I never acknowledged the feelings I had for you. When I got the recording that you left for me, it forced me to confront my reality. I know you left it to communicate your feelings to me and encourage me, but it broke my heart to the core.”
Sheila put her other hand under his chin and gently lifted it up to her eyes. “I never wanted that. I loved you, David…I still do, it’s just different now. I’m different. I’m nowhere, but I’m everywhere at the same time. It’s truly wondrous.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” David asked.
“Jews believe in heaven, right?”
“Yes, though not quite in the same way as Christians do.”
“Well, I can only explain it this way. When my body died in space, one moment, I closed my eyes and hoped there was something more. The next moment, I opened them and I was in this sea of white light. God was there. He took me into this place. It’s unlike anything I can describe with words; you have to experience it to understand it.”
“Well, since every human dies, I’ll get to experience it someday, perhaps,” David said softly.
“Why wouldn’t you?” she asked, looking into his eyes.
“Sheila, when I look at my hands, I see blood. Blood of thousands of people that I’ve killed through direct action, through orders, and through inaction. I close my eyes and I see the innocents I know I’ve killed over the last seventeen years looking at me. I can’t escape them. I am consumed by hatred for the League, most of all for what I’ve become…a damn killing machine!” By the end, David was sobbing.
“God doesn’t blame you for that,” she said. “He loves you, He loves all of us. Even the League.”
David’s face clouded over. “Why would He love the League? They try to kill anyone who worships his name. They’ve murdered billions of people!”
“Because God wants everyone to repent and serve Him, even Admiral Seville,” she said earnestly.
“Seville’s the worst of them all!” David nearly shouted. “The man has single handedly helped kill over one hundred million men, women, and children! He belongs in Hell if it exists!” As Jews didn’t believe in the concept of Hell as a Christian did, David made a rather strong point to her.
“That’s not for you to decide, David,” Sheila said sadly. “You’ve got to let this go. It’s destroying you. Hating the League, hating Seville, that does nothing but eat you up inside and bring you further apart from God. God is love, David. Hate is evil.”
David angrily tore his hand out of hers. “The Sheila I know wouldn’t lecture me on forgiving Seville,” he said coldly.
“I would and have,” Sheila responded evenly as she walked around to get in his line of sight. “David, if you can’t forgive Seville, that’s okay. Ask God to help you. But if you hold on to it, you will become just like him! The pain you feel, the hurt you feel, the loss you feel, it’s all a symptom of a larger problem. Let go of the hate. God is there; He’s a still, small voice. Don’t shout him down! Let him help you.”
“Evil must be opposed. You used to tell me that. It’s our job to stop evil.”
“It is our job to stop evil where we can, but it’s also our job to stop evil from entering our hearts. You think God is out here by himself? For good to exist, evil must exist. That means that God has an opposing force. I call it Satan. Satan will do anything to tempt us, to turn us away from Him.”
“Jews don’t believe in Satan.”
“That’s nice,” Sheila said with a slight smirk on her face. “Somebody said the best trick Satan ever pulled was convincing people he didn’t exist. I think that’s true.”
David turned his head away. “I couldn’t save you, Sheila. I couldn’t save any of them. I don’t know how to live with that. I failed. I failed when seventy-eight men and women under my command were killed because of my orders back on the Rabin. It should’ve been me. Not you. Not them. Me.”
Sheila stepped up and grabbed both of his arms, “Stop it, David Cohen!” she shouted as she shook him. “You didn’t fail. You did the best you could. God asks no more of you than that, nor do your fellow soldiers. Stop blaming yourself!”
David’s shoulders sagged as he slumped forward. “I should just accept it?”
“You ask God to give you the ability to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to do the things that you can, and wisdom to tell the difference, and you never stop doing your best.”
For several seconds, David sat in silence. All the shame, guilt, and helplessness he felt boiled to the surface as he fell to his knees, sobbing as he looked up at the sky. Sheila knelt beside him and held him tightly.
“It’s okay, David. Let it out,” she coaxed.
As David sat and sobbed, Sheila held him as he worked to compose himself. “I’m sorry, Sheila. I don’t want anyone to know what’s really going on inside of me.”
“I know, and that’s no way to go through life. Let me show you something.” She took his hand, and after a moment, they were in a different place. The two of them flew over fields of people; tens of thousands of them.
“Do you see those people, David?”
“Who are they?” he asked, marveling at how they had traveled.
“They’re the people you’ve saved throughout your life. And not only those, the children they had, and the families you saved. You’ve touched hundreds of thousands of people.”
Another moment and they were back in the field, sitting together. “That’s a neat trick,” David said, cracking a small smile.
“Yeah, it’s interesting,” she answered with a grin.
“Why are you showing me all of this?”
“Because you have miles to go, David Cohen. Because God needs you. You have a purpose in His plan. You have to answer the call,” she said, caressing his hands.
“Somebody else can answer that call. I’ve fought the good fight.”
“If you abandon your post, why would anyone else stand and fight?” Sheila asked. “You’re the hero of Canaan. The man that defeated Seville. If you quit now, you will doom us all to darkness for ten generations. You don’t get to quit, David. You’ve never quit in your life. The David Cohen I loved never quits.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“I gave my life for the cause. All you have to do is live for the cause.”
“I don’t know how to keep going, Sheila.”
“One day at a time, one step at a time.”
“That sounds a bit trite.”
“I won’t deny that,” she said with a smile. “But it’s still true. It’s how I kept going. Now it’s your turn. I’ll be here watching out for you. God is with you. He is your protector, He will support you, and He will fight for all of us as long as we humble ourselves and call on His name.”
David looked down, fighting through waves of emotion. At the core of his soul, he knew she was right. There was a fight to wage, not just of the Terran Coalition against the League of Sol, but of good versus evil. Maybe she was right; maybe there was a higher power that supported evil and opposed God. That wasn’t something that David could figure out today.
“It’s going to take me a while to put aside the hate for the League and Seville.”
“But you’re going to try, aren’t you?” Sheila said.
“I am, but I’m going to give it to HaShem. Because He can do immeasurably more than I ever can,” David said with a smile.
Sheila stood and helped David up as well. “And that is the David Cohen I know and love.”
“As for the rest, I’ll keep fighting until I can fight no more.”
“I’ll be here when you arrive someday,” she said softly to him, w
rapping her arms around his neck.
“Knowing my luck, I’ll still be single.”
Sheila laughed. “I very much hope that’s not the case. You deserve to be loved while you’re in this universe. Besides, you cook a good steak. Men that can cook are a hot commodity.”
It was David’s turn to laugh, and then smile sadly. “I miss you so much.”
After a moment, Sheila leaned in and kissed him passionately. “I miss you too, David. Until we meet again someday. I love you.”
David woke up with a start in his bed. He jerked up so quickly, he nearly hit his head. Sitting there for a few minutes, he remembered every detail from the dream. Or was it something more? He couldn’t be sure. It felt so real, and now it’s like a memory of something that actually happened. As he lay back down, he didn’t sleep the rest of the night. Going over and savoring every moment with Sheila, he felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off him and that something very dark was gone from his heart. Realizing that he finally had some measure of peace, he prayed repeatedly that God would forgive him and bless his soul. Resolving to find a way to exorcise the hate from his soul, he spent the rest of the night praying and thinking on how to grow into the man Sheila told him he could be.
Following the conclusion of his normal morning ritual, David resolved to visit Dr. Tural to try to make sense of what he had experienced the night before. He was not quite sure what had happened, but upon the reflection of the rest of the night, he was sure it was something more than simply a dream. Tugging his duty sweater down, he strode into the medical bay, which was empty at 0600. Walking through the quiet facility, he made his way to Dr. Tural’s office to find the doctor behind his desk. He knocked on the open hatch frame to announce himself. “Good morning, Doctor. May I come in?”
Tural stood from his desk. “Of course, Colonel. How may I help you today?”
David stepped into the room and closed the hatch behind him. “I need to discuss something with you, Doctor.” He paused for a moment, suddenly realizing that whatever he talked over with the doctor might end up in his personnel file. “But before I do, I need your word this will not go into my medical record.”