“Will you tell me what was said?” she pressed.
He let his breath out in a long sigh. “She only reminded me that I must be very clear in my intentions. And she isn’t wrong. You and I have an intense physical connection. That is something more powerful than I thought could be.”
“Yes,” she agreed with a tiny shiver that made his cock twitch. “I couldn’t have pictured that I would…I would want you so much. I like the wanting.”
He fought for focus when she was so innocently seducing him. “But a deep connection that comes from physical pleasure can easily be misconstrued. It can be misleading.”
“How so?”
God’s teeth, how he hated this conversation. Hated how she watched him so carefully, read him so thoroughly. He saw the glimmer of something he could not desire, couldn’t take, in her eyes. He wanted it more than he should.
He cleared his throat. “You and I discussed what the limits of our marriage would likely be before we said our vows. Those have not changed, Thomasina. If you want something else, I may not be able to give it to you. And I don’t want you confused by the passion between us.”
She folded her arms and that spark in her stare grew hotter. “You don’t know what I want, Jasper. Neither does my sister. Neither does anyone, truth be told, because no one ever asks me. She assumes I am a fool and will mistake what happens in our bed for a deeper connection. So do you, even though you have lectured me more than once on the fact that you could not love me.”
He caught his breath, for that wasn’t what he’d said or even meant. “It is a general—”
She spun away from him with a huff of breath. “Please do not start this tedious conversation over again, husband. I shall go mad from it and run screaming from the room. You do not love me. I…” She trailed off and her shoulders rolled forward just a fraction. “I accept that,” she finished, softer now. “What we have is enough. It will be enough. And I would appreciate it if we did not have to rehash this argument again. I will tell my sister the same thing.”
He caught his breath as he stared at her, a goddess of fire in that brief moment. But perhaps a goddess who lied. Because even though she demanded what she wanted and he liked that, he feared that it wasn’t truly enough for her. That he would hurt her.
And he didn’t want to do that.
But for now, he would not press the subject. For now, he had other matters to attend to, and his wife was making demands he would respect.
“Very well,” he said. “You know, you are very pretty when you are telling me what to do without apology. You ought to do it more often.”
The heat in her stare faded a fraction and she bent her head with a shy smile. “I do not have much practice in doing anything but whatever is asked of me. Did I go too far?”
He moved toward her and caught her waist, drawing her against him with a smile. “No, my dear. Any time you want to put me in my place, you feel free to do so.”
“Any time?” she whispered, her green eyes darkening with an unmistakable desire.
“Any time at all,” he drawled before he brushed his lips to hers. She lifted against him, clutching his lapels with both hands as she molded her mouth and her body to his. He stood with her like that for a moment, then drew away. “Perhaps we will finish this conversation later.”
She stepped back, her cheeks filled with high color, and then she gave him a little curtsey. “I look forward to it, my lord. Good day.”
She tossed him a brief glance, then left him to the library, to his desire and to the duty he’d been fulfilling before he was interrupted. One that seemed a little less painful after a few moments with her.
He only hoped he wouldn’t end up trading his own comfort for her heartbreak. He would have to be careful he did not.
Chapter 17
Thomasina left her conversation with Juliana until right before supper, mostly because she didn’t trust herself not to let her anger be too sharp, too focused. So she had gone to her chamber and simply stewed a few hours. Now, though, she stood before Juliana’s chamber door, pushed her shoulders back, and knocked lightly.
“Come in,” her sister’s voice responded, perhaps with a bit of hesitation. After all, who else would it be but Thomasina? She was certain Juliana knew she was not happy with her. That didn’t even come from their bond of being triplets.
She entered the chamber. Juliana stood before her mirror, her maid Mary smoothing the last wrinkles from her gown. She looked lovely. Juliana always had an air of confidence about her. Not as showy as Anne’s, of course, but something of strength that flowed through her easily.
But as Thomasina stepped inside, Juliana’s expression wavered. Thomasina saw the fear in her sister’s eyes, the terror that they would quarrel and their relationship would be damaged. They had so little left without Anne there. Just each other now and she didn’t want to lose that any more than Juliana did.
She glanced at Mary and said, “I’d like a moment with Juliana. Thank you.”
Mary nodded. “Yes, my lady.”
As the maid left, Thomasina shook her head. “I hardly know what to think any time anyone addresses me as such. My lady. It feels so foreign.”
“Over time you’ll grow accustomed to it,” Juliana said as she watched Thomasina move across the room and fiddle with the bottles on her dressing table. She shifted. “I’m sorry.”
Thomasina faced her, keeping her upset in check as best she could. “If you want to speak to someone about my marriage, I would appreciate it if you came to me. It is tenuous enough a bond in these early days, after so much upheaval. The last thing I need is for you to create a situation where there doesn’t need to be one.”
“I was only thinking of your happiness,” Juliana explained, though she ducked her head as if chagrined.
Thomasina nodded. “I realize that. Apparently you do not think I am intelligent or wise enough to protect that happiness on my own.”
“I think you are good and lovely and kind and exactly the sort of woman who wants to love her husband,” Juliana said. She shifted a little and her gaze held Thomasina’s evenly. “Or perhaps already does. Already has for weeks, long before Anne ran away and left this mess to clean up.”
Thomasina felt the color exit her cheeks as she stared at Juliana, her mouth dropped open. “You—you think I coveted Jasper?”
“I know you,” Juliana whispered. “I feel you sometimes. The moment Father brought him into the room and announced he would be husband to one of us, it was as if your world had a new…light. I saw it pass over your face in an instant and then everything was crushed when he announced Anne was to marry the earl.”
Thomasina took a long step back and found her hip bumping the back of a chair. “I would be a terrible sister to feel such a thing.”
Juliana sighed. “No, not horrible. You would be human. It isn’t as if Anne was in love with Lord Harcourt…quite the opposite.”
“No, she didn’t care for him,” Thomasina agreed, though that fact still confused her. If Anne had only tried, certainly she would have come to care for him. It was good, then, that she hadn’t.
Juliana continued, “But you wanted him, I think, and then you suddenly had him. And I know you have told yourself that you couldn’t or shouldn’t or wouldn’t want more than the arranged marriage Father threw at you, but I…I worry. And I should have discussed that with you, not him. Once again, I tell you that I’m sorry.”
Thomasina bent her head as the full power of her sister’s words hit her like a slap across her face. The truth of them.
“Did…” She cleared her throat. “Do you think anyone else saw what you believed you did?”
Juliana took a moment to ponder the question before she shook her head. “No one knows you better than I do or Anne does. We are bound in such a powerful way. No one else could see your heart.”
“But Anne might have?” she whispered, hating herself if that were true.
“Anne was wrapped up in her own dr
amas. If she could not desire Lord Harcourt, she would have assumed no one did.” Juliana smiled, soft and a little pained. “But it is true, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Thomasina said, and leaned forward on the dressing table with both hands. “God help me, it is true. I wanted him from the very beginning, just as you said. When I realized I could marry him in Anne’s stead, I wasn’t upset. I was afraid, I was uncertain, but I was happy. Worse, I want him even more now that I truly know what wanting means.”
“Then you are in danger of loving him and you must be careful,” Juliana said, rushing forward to squeeze her arm gently.
Thomasina dipped her head back with a gasp of breath. “I-I do love him.”
She had said it out loud, and there the words hung between them. A wall and a curse and a glorious light. Something and everything and nothing all at once.
All the color drained from Juliana’s face, and for a long moment she was utterly silent. Then she nodded at last. Her tone was carefully neutral as she said, “I see.”
“And now you will scold me.” Thomasina shook away her arm and paced the length of the room. “You will tell me I have no right to tell you not to speak to him when you are correct at what a fool I am.”
“I would never scold you for loving someone.” Juliana looked truly pained that Thomasina would believe otherwise. “It is only that I worry. Does he share these feelings?”
“Of course not,” Thomasina said, throwing up her hands. “He hasn’t pined after me for months, feeling his heart swell with every moment he spent with me. Learning my every quirk and habit until he could identify them without even looking.”
“Oh dear,” Juliana said softly. “That sounds very intense.”
“It is.” Thomasina sighed heavily and then shrugged, dismissing her heart though it wasn’t as easy as the action implied. “Jasper does want me. He makes that abundantly clear.”
“Yes, one would have to be blind not to see your physical connection.” Juliana’s cheeks were pink. “It practically makes the air around you hum.”
Thomasina shivered at the thought. “Beyond that, I think he likes me, sometimes despite himself.” She sighed again. “But he has been nothing but honest in his intentions. He did not seek out love when he arranged this union with our sister. In fact, he chose as he did because love was most definitely not in his plans.”
Juliana worried her lip slightly. “And a man like Jasper follows through on his plans.”
“He does do that,” Thomasina agreed. “Which is a wonderful quality. He will be a dependable partner. And yet I want more than that. And sometimes I think…”
She trailed off, for she couldn’t bear to say what she hoped for, despite all of Jasper’s denials of her desires. But Juliana, of course, was too wise a sister not to see what she meant. “You sometimes think he might be able to care for you more deeply?” she asked.
“Sometimes I think it is only a breath away.” Thomasina ran a hand over her face with the frustration of the situation.
“Perhaps it is,” Juliana said with uncertainty. “After all, not one person since Mother has ever been able to tell us apart. Yet he knows you!”
“Yes, and that gives me some hope. When we talk, I feel like we are forging a path between us. And when he touches me…”
Juliana’s brows lifted. “Is it really so very good? After all the fearful things we heard?”
“Better than anything,” Thomasina said with a blush.
“Then perhaps he can be convinced,” Juliana said. But it was clear she was worried. “Perhaps together—”
Thomasina stepped forward with a snort of laughter. “Oh no, my dearest sister, this is the one place where together we can do nothing. This is my marriage, my problem. You cannot fix it. You must trust me to handle it myself.”
She could see how difficult an idea that was to Juliana. Juliana, who had fought to protect and support her sisters at every turn. Juliana, who solved all the problems of their family and friends. It was her role. Thomasina knew she was taking that away from her.
At last, though, Juliana bent her head in acquiescence. “Very well. I won’t interfere again, though you know I’m always here to talk to if you need me. I suppose we are better served if I put my energy into Anne. Though without word from her or any other information from her things, I don’t know how in the world to proceed.”
Thomasina’s face fell. Her sister was correct on that score. Anne had to be their focus now, not some silly future she desired but would likely never be. She couldn’t spend her time on that right now at any rate. Jasper had been clear about his desires.
So she had to put her energy into something that mattered.
“We’ll figure something out,” she promised as she tugged Juliana into a hug and tried to forget everything else.
Chapter 18
Jasper stood with his father-in-law, but he wasn’t attending to Mr. Shelley’s nasal voice as he droned on and on. His gaze kept returning to Thomasina as she stood at the fireplace with her sister, their heads close together.
It had been almost a week since he had told his wife that he didn’t want confusion in their marriage. He’d braced himself for her to argue and make her case and try to wear him down. And yet…
She hadn’t.
Instead, she had pulled away, distancing herself from him during the day. She was polite, of course. She smiled and asked after his needs, she was kind to his staff and she took on the duties of a countess as if she had been born for the job.
But she no longer made efforts to connect with him on a deeper level. She no longer pressed him about his brother or his past or their future.
It was exactly what he had told her he desired. It should have made him relieved and happy to see her put away those foolish ideas of a love match. Better for both of them, he tried to tell himself.
And yet he felt no joy about it. He was annoyed when she pulled away, he was troubled when she gave him a false smile. It was very confusing.
It was only in their bed that he felt the connection that had started those first few days of their marriage. When she came to his bed, she was his Thomasina again. Passionate and sweet, enthusiastic and responsive. She was learning how to give him pleasure, she was adept at receiving it. He wanted to drown in her. He wanted to stay in their bed for a week or a month or a year and never return to his duties except for making her sigh out his name in release.
He wanted that despite all his other responsibilities. To her sister, for one. To his own estate. His search of his brother’s diaries had yielded nothing even after days of tracking patterns and comparing dates. And Reynolds, who had sent a detailed report about Anne and Maitland and this other fellow, Rook. There was still very little about him in any record, but it was believed he might be on one of dozens of uninhabited islands that dotted the channel between England and Scotland.
Not much help on the whole. So he was feeling like a failure and a liar and like he’d lost something he didn’t even know he wanted.
“…perhaps we should leave tomorrow then.”
Jasper jerked his attention back to his companion and stared at Mr. Shelley in shock. “You’re leaving despite your promise you would wait? I certainly hope it is to go looking for your daughter in Scotland, as I have asked you to do three times in the last week. As you have agreed to do multiple times and then not done.”
Shelley shook his head. “Look for her there? Why? We both know the girl didn’t go to Gretna Green or we would have heard something from her by now. She might have even returned, a new husband in tow, to crow that she thwarted our plans and followed her utterly foolish heart.”
Jasper blinked. Shelley was constantly proving he was a bastard of the worst order, and yet it always shocked Jasper somehow. “And that doesn’t make you want to chase her even more? The knowledge that she was taken in by a villain who had no intention to wed her? Who has certainly taken advantage of that so-called foolish heart in the most ungentlemanly way?”
>
Shelley seemed to ponder the question a moment, then shrugged. “Some people must learn from their own mistakes. Anne is one of those people. If she suffers, it is only the consequences of her own actions.”
The thin wire of control Jasper had been exercising with this man broke at last. He took a long step toward Shelley, catching his lapels in both fists and yanking him closer. Across the room, he heard Thomasina and Juliana both gasp, but he ignored them.
“Listen here, you pompous ass, I have kept my patience in the face of your utter disregard for not only your missing daughter, but for the ones that have been left behind. I will bear it no longer.” He shook Shelley and the other man squeaked his fear as he clawed at Jasper’s hands. “You will go to Gretna Green tomorrow morning, with a man or two of mine in tow, and you will do some bloody searching for your daughter. I swear on everything holy that if you run off to London, I will destroy you with a smile on my face. Am I understood?”
Shelley grunted as he wrenched himself from Jasper’s grip and nearly deposited himself on the carpet at his feet. He smoothed his wrinkled jacket as he glared at his son-in-law. Jasper saw his rage, but also his weakness. His emptiness. How he had produced three daughters of substance and character, he had no idea. But he was certainly glad their apples had fallen so far from the tree.
“I understand you perfectly,” Shelley said. “And you understand me, boy. You may do a little damage control with the money you obtained from marrying my daughter, but there is no forgetting what a scandal you are. And if you move on me, I can also make your life much more difficult.”
He turned on his heel and stomped from the room. Only then did Jasper look at Thomasina and Juliana. They were huddled together, hands clasped. Juliana stared at the door where her father had left, her cheeks pink and her eyes bright with tears. But Thomasina was looking at Jasper. Only him. And something in his stomach, something in his chest, stirred at her focused regard.
“I’ll go speak to him,” Juliana said softly.
A Reluctant Bride (The Shelley Sisters Book 1) Page 16