by Pam Rhodes
“But losing Frank’s turned everything upside down for her,” interrupted Claire. “She’s bereaved, Neil, and that’s probably as much a physical condition as an emotional one. She’s not well, and may not be for quite a while to come.”
“And the Margaret I knew used to say exactly that when we met people whose grief was raw. They sometimes said that any faith they had was choked out of them by the trauma of losing someone they loved, and she would talk them round. I’ve tried to remember every word she said and how she put it across, because I know I’m going to need those skills in my own ministry.”
“And now, because her faith has slipped away from her, are you worried something similar could happen to you?”
“Yes. I’m ashamed to say I am. Who knows what would happen to me if I lost you? We honestly don’t know how we’re going to react until awful things like that actually happen to us, do we?”
“So Margaret’s decision is threatening your own sense of certainty, then?”
“Honestly, Claire, I’d like to say quite the opposite, because at the moment my life is a constant prayer, asking for strength and clarity. One minute I find myself feeling absolutely confident in what I believe, and then the next I remember the change I saw in Margaret, and my head’s full of questions.”
“That brings us back to my previous question. Are prayers answered? Is there some power, that you call God, who listens and responds? Do you feel he’s listening to you now?”
“I’m praying for that all the time, and yes, I believe he is. I’m praying that he is.”
“Is all this what’s been bothering you since you came back from seeing Margaret?”
Pain flashed in his eyes as he looked at her.
“It just never occurred to me that a deeply held faith like Margaret’s could be shattered in this way. I can’t imagine that ever happening to me, but then I didn’t think it could happen to her either. Who knows what challenges might come my way in the future? What if the unthinkable happens, and I end up losing my faith just like her? I’m an Anglican priest. My whole purpose is to bring other people to Christ, but if I lost the certainty in what I’ve always believed to be true, how could I fulfil that purpose? I couldn’t. I’d be a failure – and more than that, without God at the centre of everything I do, I’d be totally and absolutely lost, adrift in a sea of confusion and darkness.”
“With me right beside you,” said Claire gently. “I’ll always be right there beside you, just as I am now. And whatever comes your way will come my way too. We don’t know, do we, what lies ahead? That’s what makes life such a wonderful adventure. What’s happened to Margaret happened to Margaret. Your life, your understanding of God, your relationship with me and everyone else you love – they’re unique to you. And if challenge comes – as I’m afraid, my darling, it often will – we’ll pray about it together. We’ll face whatever comes our way as the loving couple that we are.”
For several moments Neil seemed too overcome with emotion to say anything, but when he did, he started by looking down at their linked hands.
“I don’t want you to be my partner, Claire.”
Her eyes widened with shock.
“That’s just not enough for the way I feel about you. You’re my world. Your love for me makes sense of everything, and I love you more than I can put into words. I’m offering you myself just as I am, inadequate as I feel in so many ways. Would you be willing to take me on and sort me out? Will you accept me: my heart full of love, and my promise to adore you for the rest of my life? Will you be my wife?”
CHAPTER 14
News of their engagement was greeted with delight by Harry and Iris. The old man’s eyes looked suspiciously shiny as he hugged first Claire and then Neil, with the stern warning, “You’d better look after her!” Iris seemed genuinely moved too, announcing rather grandly that she knew all along this would happen – as if their decision to marry was all down to her careful planning!
“So, is it common knowledge? Are you going to make an announcement about it?” asked Harry.
“I’d like us to get the ring first,” said Claire, sliding her arm around Neil’s waist. “It’ll feel properly official then.”
“We’ve decided to go shopping on my day off next week,” explained Neil. “Perhaps we’ll organize an engagement party after that. It’s all so new we haven’t really decided yet.”
“No thoughts on a wedding date either, then?” asked Harry.
“As soon as possible,” replied Neil as he planted a kiss on the tip of Claire’s nose.
“Euck! You’re kissing again!” piped up Sam, who’d just come in from the garden. “You two are always kissing!”
Laughing, Claire stooped down to put her arms around her son. “That’s because we’ve decided to get married, Sam. How do you feel about Neil being your proper daddy from now on?”
Sam looked up at the two of them, his face suddenly serious.
“Cool!” he said at last. “Can I have an ice cream?”
* * *
Ice creams were in plentiful supply the next day, the Saturday of St Stephen’s Summer Fayre. The combined committees of the Friends of St Stephen’s and the Ladies’ Guild had been in overdrive for weeks, planning the theme and decoration of each stall, not to mention cooking, icing, painting, sewing, sticking, hammering, cajoling, bossing – and occasionally squabbling – in preparation for the big day.
There was relief all round when the day dawned with glorious sunshine in a clear blue sky. Claire was out early in the morning collecting stock and setting up her plant stall with a colourful array of bedding plants, flowering shrubs and vegetables, all of which she’d grown herself. Neil had been detailed to table-lugging and chair-moving duties, so he was hot and red-faced when two familiar figures walked hand in hand into the church hall.
“Hello, mate!” Graham and Debs wore matching beaming smiles as they made their way towards him.
“Well,” laughed Neil, “aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! It’s great to see you back together.”
“Couldn’t bear it without her,” said Graham, “and I will never be without her again ever. That was the worst fortnight of my life!”
“So...” mumbled Neil, uncertain how much to say. “What are your plans?”
“We’ve got a booking to get married on Tuesday morning at the registry office.”
“That’s great news! Congratulations, both of you!”
“Bit of a surprise, though, eh?” asked Graham, his expression becoming more serious.
“I guess you’ve talked everything through and reached a compromise.”
“Well,” said Debs, “that’s what we’ve come to talk to you about.”
“Are you free on Tuesday morning?” asked Graham. “Probably not,” grinned Neil, desperately trying to recall his diary for the coming week, “but nothing I can’t rearrange if necessary. How can I help?”
“Be my best man?”
“That’s absolutely necessary! I’d be honoured to.”
“It’s only a very small affair: just our mums, Debs’s dad and a couple of really good friends. We don’t want any more than that.”
“No speech needed, then?”
Graham grinned. “Just get me and the ring there, that’s all I ask.”
“And I have a request too,” added Debs, “a rather unusual one.”
“Ask away!”
“I know there’s complete mayhem in the grounds here today, but does that involve the church too?”
“No. Thankfully that should remain a sanctuary of peace and quiet this morning, and with all the jobs I’m supposed to be doing in the grounds and office right now, they’ll never think of looking for me there. Come on!”
So, like naughty children escaping from an unwelcome chore, they slipped out of the back door of the hall and into the church. The interior was bathed in warm rainbow hues as bright sunlight poured through the Victorian stained-glass windows. Graham’s pace slowed as he took in the scen
e.
“Have you ever been in here before?” asked Neil curiously.
Graham shook his head. “Only in the company of eight hundred little monsters during the occasional school carol service that I couldn’t wheedle my way out of. It didn’t look quite the same then.”
“This way!” called Debs. She was already past the screen and walking into the sanctuary, where she leaned against the choir stalls nearest to the altar and waited for the men to join her.
“Sit down, Graham,” she invited, “and you too, Neil, please.”
Obediently, the two men slid into a pew.
“It’s hard for you, Graham,” she began, “to understand what this place means to me. I’ve been coming here all my life. I’ve sung in these choir stalls since I first learned to read music when I was about eight years old. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a member of the choir for almost every service – Christmas, Easter, Harvest, Remembrance, Palm Sunday and all the rest of the special occasions in the Christian calendar. We’ve sung to welcome babies at baptism, and at so many wonderfully moving marriage ceremonies, like Peter and Val’s a few weeks ago, and at heartbreaking funerals like the one for little Ellen at the end of last year, when just about everyone in the church was in floods of tears. This is the place people come to mark the important moments in life – where they’re free to express their feelings, in fellowship with whoever’s there to share that moment with them. I can’t begin to think of going through the most significant change in my life without coming here to lay everything before God.”
“I get what you mean, Debs,” said Graham, “I do. I know you’d like to have the big wedding here, and I know that’s not just for your mum, in spite of everything I’ve said about her in the past. It would mean the world to you, I realize that – but…” He stopped mid-flow, unable to continue as he looked helplessly around him.
Debs finished his sentence for him. “But this just isn’t you.”
Graham shook his head sadly. “No, love, it isn’t. I’m many things, not all of them much good, but I’ve never been a hypocrite. I don’t belong here.”
“You didn’t think you belonged in a marriage either,” she said softly, “but you’ve agreed to that.”
“Yes, I have. Being without you for those two weeks made me realize I could never be without you again – you and our baby. If you doubted my commitment before that, you won’t ever need to give my love and loyalty a moment’s thought from now on, because I’ll sign up to anything to keep us together.
“The oddest thing happened during that time when you were gone. Something you’d said kept playing on my mind – about how, if we weren’t married, even if we all lived under one roof, you’d have no choice but to put your surname down on the baby’s birth certificate rather than mine – as if you couldn’t trust me to stay around if I wasn’t prepared officially to give both of you my name. How could we ever truly be a family if I had one surname and you two had another? That was when I realized I actually wanted to marry you. I want us to be a proper family. I honestly can’t wait to marry you, Debs. But not here, not in this way. Not with this place full of people all dressed up in big hats with the choir singing tired old words that don’t mean anything to me. As much as I love you, I can’t – I just can’t.”
“I know.” Debs lightly touched his hand, her expression full of love as she looked at him. “I can’t ask you to go through all that when I know how much you’d hate it, but I still can’t get away from what I feel marriage really is. For you, it’s the official piece of paper we’ll get at the registry office on Tuesday. For me, it’s much more important to know God is in it with us; that he will support and bless us in our life together. That’s what will make it a true marriage for me.”
Graham looked at her forlornly, fearing the worst as she continued.
“But, you see, I don’t think God needs the big hats, the full church and words out of a book either. He’s with us now, in this empty church, and he sees and knows us just as we are: Debs and Graham, in love, expecting our first baby, standing together at the start of our married life. Will you stand with me, Graham, here and now, in our ordinary Saturday-morning clothes, in this church that means so much to me? Can we say what we really want to say, make our own promises to each other right now in the presence of God?”
Neil was the first to move, quietly taking his place in front of the altar as he invited the two of them to join him. Debs was still standing uncertainly in front of the stall where Graham sat for several heart-stopping seconds before he stood to take her hand, holding her close as sudden tears glistened in her eyes. With his arm around her shoulder, they walked slowly over to where Neil was waiting.
“God is here.” Neil’s voice was intimate, barely above a whisper. “His Spirit is with us, and we ask for your blessing, Lord, on Graham and Debs as they come before you now at the start of their married life together. You know their hearts. You know the love they have for each other. You see the joys and the challenges they have ahead of them. Bless them, Father, and accept the vows they want to make to each other now in your presence.”
To his surprise, it was Graham who spoke first, his eyes fixed on Debs as he turned towards her.
“When I look at you, Debs, so strong and beautiful in every way, I wonder what on earth you see in me. I mean, just look at me! I’m a mess of a man: disorganized, not remotely ambitious, irresponsible, overweight. The list’s endless. And yet, through all the years we’ve known each other, you’ve seen something in me I never knew I had – especially these last months, when I finally woke up to realize that the woman of my dreams has been right under my nose all the time.
“You bring out the best in me. You’ve helped me see what I could and should be. You’ve taught me to love, to belong, to share everything I am with another person. With you, I’ve finally recognized what really matters in life, and that’s you, us, the two of us together with our baby, and the family home we’re going to build together.
“I’ll get things wrong, Debs. I’ll drive you mad at times, and I’m sure we’ve got some humdinger rows ahead of us. But I promise you I’ll love you deeply and faithfully for the rest of my life.”
Beyond the window, the sun had moved across the sky so that the shadow on Debs’s face brightened as she started to speak.
“I don’t think it was just chance that we grew up as next-door neighbours. I think God planned it that way. He intended us to be together because we’re good for each other. Remember how you taught me to ride a bike without stabilizers? And how you were always around to sort me out when I was thinking of doing something daft, like walking on the railway-bridge wall, or jumping in the river when I couldn’t swim?
“You protected me too. Remember those girls who were pushing me about at school? You helped me with my maths homework. You were absolutely right when you talked me out of being a beautician, because it would never have suited me, and then it was you who pushed me through my police entrance exams. You were always there for me, Graham, always.
“But I hope I was there for you too. Do you remember when you were in your punk phase and gelled your hair into three different-coloured spikes? It was me who sorted you out again before your mum saw it. And on your birthday when you thought it would be a good idea to take all your clothes off in the market square? I was the one putting a coat round you and getting you out of sight as the police car was coming round the corner!
“And then there were all the disasters you had with girls. You just kept getting it wrong. But then of course you would, because for as long as I can remember, I knew I was the only girl for you. We belong together. We always have. We always will. Marrying you is everything I’ve ever wanted, my darling. I’ll make a home for you and our children, and it’ll be full of love and laughter. I’ll work alongside you, and we’ll build a life of contentment and fulfilment for us as a family.”
Not even trying to conceal how moved he was by her words, Graham wrapped both his hands a
round hers as she went on.
“But life’s not always easy, is it? You and I are both strong characters, stubborn, selfish sometimes, wanting it our way or not at all. We both know there’ll be bumpy times ahead. That’s why I need us to be here. God has to be in this marriage with us, because we’ve got no hope of making it work on our own. We need his grace and presence with us every step of the way. We need his guidance and forgiveness when we get things wrong. We need his love and comfort so that we can love and comfort each other.
“So here I am, humble, hopeful, trusting that God will answer my prayer as I stand with you now. Father, bless this dear man who has my heart. Bless me, especially as you know how often I can get things wrong. Bless us. Bless our marriage. Bless our family. Be with us always.”
Neil stretched out to lay one hand on each of their heads as a shaft of golden sunlight suddenly beamed through the window to encircle the three of them.
“Those whom God has joined together, may no one put asunder. May he defend you on every side, and guide you in truth and peace – and may the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, remain with you always. Amen.”
* * *
By that evening, everyone was sure this was the best Summer Fayre they could ever remember. Blue skies certainly brought in the crowds, who came determined to have a good time. They cheered the children’s acrobatic display, jived to the jazz band, sang along with the barbershop quartet, looked on indulgently as toddlers climbed onto the miniature merry-go-round, munched hungrily on hot dogs and mustard – and cleared Claire’s plant stall within the first two hours. When it came to cakes, Beryl knew from past experience that she had to come prepared. In the church office she’d left a stash of enough baked delights to replenish the cake stall three times over before the goodies finally ran out.
The tombola was a great favourite, especially with Harry, who won a bottle of sherry with his first ticket. It was instantly confiscated by Iris, who reminded him sternly about the diet he was supposed to be sticking to after his heart attack. Iris herself was very sniffy about whoever had donated to the brica-brac table an opened but hardly used bottle of 4711 eau de cologne, presumably not having the good taste to realize what a treasure it was. She happily parted with 30p for it, knowing she had a bargain.