by Paige Toon
Shock blasts the smile from Nessa’s face and the insults from her lips. Her mouth drops open like a goldfish and, without another word, she spins on her heel and stalks into the pub.
I stare at Matilda with awe. ‘You’re amazing.’ I lean in and kiss her cheek.
‘Oh, stop.’ She waves me away.
And then Sonny does the same thing to her other cheek.
She laughs as he grins past her at me. Her face has brightened. ‘Sorry, Arch,’ she says with belated regret. ‘I hope that doesn’t make things difficult for you at work.’
He’s smiling and shaking his head at her, and then he shoves his chair out and leans over the table to give her a full kiss on the mouth.
‘The next thing we know she’ll be accusing the four of us of swinging,’ Matilda jokes as he sits down again and we fall about in hysterics.
*
I don’t know whose idea it was, because we are all very drunk, but we seem to be stumbling down a hill towards the river.
Someone had the crazy notion of going for a dip – the weather is balmy and the Cam’s water is famously temperate, plus night-swimming is something Archie and Matilda have always wanted to do.
Tonight they seem intent on taking the plunge in more ways than one.
So here we are.
Matilda grabs my hand and sets off at a run. I clap my other hand over my mouth to stop myself from squealing.
Above our heads, the sky is glittering with starlight.
The boys catch up with us, Sonny grabbing me round my waist and spinning me in a circle. I’m laughing, unable to keep the sound in.
‘Shh!’ Matilda hisses. ‘We don’t want anyone breaking up our party.’
In the moonlight, I see Archie tug his T-shirt over his head.
Through my drunken haze, I feel a pang of nerves.
Sonny turns me to face him, his hands clasping my face. ‘You’re coming in, right?’
‘Undecided,’ I whisper.
‘It’s dark,’ he points out.
I hesitate and then nod uncertainly. ‘Okay.’
It’s now or never, I guess.
Somewhere nearby, Matilda is giggling as she tries to unbutton her dress.
‘Whip it off over your head,’ Archie urges in a whisper. We hear him slip into the water and simultaneously gasp.
‘Is it cold?’ Matilda asks worriedly.
‘It’s fine,’ he replies. He is totally lying.
Sonny, two feet away from me, is watching me intently as he removes his T-shirt, only breaking eye contact when the fabric passes over his face. His bare chest gleams in the dim light. I want to put my hands on him. I take a step forward, but he raises his palms.
‘Quid pro quo, Clarice,’ he says in a low, deeply sexy voice.
I crack up laughing. ‘You can’t make me fancy you when you’re doing a serial-killing cannibal impression – that’s wrong on so many levels.’
‘Fuck me, it’s cold!’ Matilda hisses.
I giggle and look over at her before realising Sonny is still waiting for me to take my top off.
‘Are you guys coming in or what?’ Matilda asks.
‘Getting there,’ Sonny calls back, and there’s something in his tone that carries a warning.
My friend hears it. ‘Let’s swim to warm up a bit,’ she suggests to Archie, setting off downriver.
Surprisingly perceptive for one so alcohol-ridden.
I take a deep breath and lift my top off over my head.
Sonny smiles and unbuttons his shorts, sliding them down his long legs.
I wriggle out of my skirt.
I would never be this brave sober. Or would I?
He takes off his shoes.
I kick off mine.
He peels off his socks and nods at my bra. ‘Leave that on, please. No way I want Archie to catch a glimpse of your tits when I haven’t even.’
I laugh and he takes my hand, leading me to the water.
‘Run and jump?’
‘Is it deep enough?’
‘There it is.’ He points, familiar with this part of the river.
‘Okay.’ I nod determinedly. ‘Let’s do it.’
‘Three, two, one . . .’
He doesn’t let go of my hand.
I come up gasping. It’s so cold! Sonny laughs and tugs me against his hard body, his arms lifting me and holding me tight. I soak up his heat and wrap my legs around his waist as his mouth finds mine in the darkness. Our kiss is hot, slippery and wet, just like our bodies, our tongues entwining as our limbs are.
I feel a familiar kick against my stomach and my breath hitches.
‘How is that possible?’ Sonny mutters. ‘I’m freezing my nuts off.’
I giggle against his lips.
He kisses me again, slower, more languidly, and withdraws. I stare at him in the starlight and hesitantly take his hand from around my waist and slide it down to my left hip.
I shiver as his fingers find my hipbone, the distinctive angle of it, the sharpness that isn’t mirrored on my other side. He presses his hand firmly against my skin, steadying me, centring me, telling me that he loves me, every single part of me, his eyes locked on mine.
‘I’m sorry if you’re having a moment,’ Matilda calls, breaking the silence. ‘But we’ve done night-swimming now and it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.’
We laugh and clamber out of the water, cold, wet, drunk, muddy and, above all, happy.
Chapter 42
Every time a car goes by outside the window, Abbey and I jump. And then a big black SUV with tinted windows drives past and she lets out a squeal. A minute later this same car pulls up at the kerb, presumably after going around the block, and a tall broad man in a well-fitting black suit gets out of the front passenger seat and comes inside. He looks like something out of a film himself with his square jaw and heavy brow. Think Terminator. Machine-like. Inhuman.
‘Can we help you?’ Abbey asks, slightly manically.
‘Vince Howley,’ he replies. ‘Strike Security. I need to check the place is secure.’
‘Sure! Of course!’ Abbey stands up. ‘Would you like me to show you around?’
‘Please.’
I daren’t look at her as she walks past me – this is one of those moments I definitely intend to keep my cool.
Abbey has forgotten to put the Closed sign on the door so I do that myself. A short while later, Vince and Abbey return and Vince goes straight outside to open the back door of the SUV.
‘Joseph, Alice, nanny,’ Abbey is murmuring. ‘Alice!’ she squeals.
‘Shh!’ I hiss, trying to stifle a giggle myself as Alice unfolds herself from the car and steps out onto the pavement. She’s wearing a black-and-white shift-dress and looks absolutely stunning with dark, almost ebony, hair that falls halfway down her back.
She turns around and bends over, reaching into the car and bringing out a little girl with dark chin-length hair. Vince, meanwhile, has emerged from the other side of the car with a tousle-haired boy in his arms. He’s actually smiling like a proper human.
Alice leads the way inside, holding her daughter’s hand.
‘Hello,’ she says, warmly but softly, smiling at Abbey first and then at me before turning to Vince. ‘You can leave us now, thanks, Vince.’
He nods and heads out the front door, closing it behind him and then proceeding to stand right in the doorway.
‘I’m so sorry about this fuss,’ Alice apologises, shaking Abbey’s hand. ‘I’m Alice.’
‘Abbey. Practice manager,’ Abbey says, trying to sound professional.
I come out from my desk. ‘Hannah.’
She has small hands, but a firm handshake.
Her skin is creamy and flawless and her eyes are green and almond-shaped – she’s beautiful.
I hear Umeko’s door open and our boss emerges, greeting Alice as I crouch down and smile at the children. ‘Hello,’ I say. ‘And what are your names?’
‘Jack,’ the boy rep
lies in a shy, husky voice, his big brown eyes staring at me. He has very long eyelashes. ‘And this is my little sister Becca.’
My God, he’s adorable.
‘We getting an eye test!’ Becca tells me eagerly.
‘Yes, you are,’ I say with a smile. ‘Are you excited?’
She nods determinedly. ‘I wanna see the bawooons.’
‘You want to see the balloons?’ I ask, presuming she’s talking about the autorefraction test that shows a hot air balloon coming in and out of focus.
She beams and nods.
Someone has told her what to expect, from the sounds of it.
I giggle and look up at Alice and Umeko.
Alice is smiling at me as I stand back up.
The Strikes’ PA had the forms filled out in advance so we can crack on. I feel Abbey’s eyes on us as we go. She’s gutted to be missing out.
‘I’ll leave you in Hannah’s very capable hands and will see you shortly,’ Umeko says to Alice, Jack and Becca. My boss smiles at me as she heads into her treatment room.
The children are a delight and Alice is warm and friendly, making casual conversation with me throughout the appointment.
No problems present themselves so I do a quick handover with Umeko and return to my desk, only to catch sight of Matilda walking past the window, her mouth agog.
She texts me: What the hell?
Tell you later.
She disappears from sight, probably after being eye-balled by Vince.
Umeko’s door opens and she leads Alice and the kids out to the shop front. She smiles at me and nods once, so I gather the kids’ eyesight is fine.
Alice and Joseph are bosses for starting them with optometrist visits nice and early.
‘Ooh, have you seen this?’ Umeko asks casually, nodding at the poster of Sonny’s exhibition that she allowed me to put up on the wall behind my desk. ‘Hannah’s boyfriend Sonny is a photographer,’ she tells Alice as my heart skips a beat. ‘His exhibition is in aid of vision care for the homeless. He has photographed the eyes of many of Cambridge’s homeless community.’
‘How remarkable,’ Alice says, stepping up close. ‘Is that a human eye?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Taken with a macro lens. You should see the others – they’re all so varied and different.’
The background of the poster is black with the iris – just the iris – taking up the middle of the design. The exhibition is entitled, Don’t Look Away, and underneath the iris are the date and details of the show.
‘I don’t suppose you have a spare one of these?’ Alice asks me.
‘I can easily get one,’ I tell her hastily. ‘Please take this in the meantime.’
‘Are you sure?’ she asks as I waste no time carefully unsticking the poster from my wall.
‘Absolutely.’
I roll it up and hand it to her, my hand shaking slightly.
‘Thanks. I’ll speak to Joe.’
Behind her back, Abbey and Umeko give me a double thumbs up.
I decide not to tell Sonny because I don’t want to get his hopes up. But I do tell Matilda. She gets me a replacement poster direct from Archie and is barely able to contain her excitement. After that, I try to put it out of my mind. Alice was probably only being nice. The likelihood of her – and Joseph – turning up seems incredibly slim.
But you never know.
*
Nina comes over from Amsterdam for the Bank Holiday weekend at the end of August. Danielle leaves Calvin at home with Brett and joins us for Movies on the Meadows, Grantchester’s outdoor cinema event, which takes place every year as part of the Cambridge Film Festival.
Archie, Matilda and Sonny are meeting us there, but I’m having time with my oldest friends first. We grab an early bite to eat on the sunny balcony of the Rupert Brooke pub. We have so much to catch up on, and naturally they want to know the latest on my love life.
There’s no point in playing it down; I’ve never been so happy. My friends can’t wipe the smiles from their faces.
A tiny part of me doesn’t like that they’re so keen for me to conform, fall in love and settle down, but I know that’s unfair. All they have ever wanted, first and foremost, is for me to be happy. We may not be as close as we once were, and that might not ever change, but I’ll forever be thankful for the lifeline they threw me when I started secondary school. They know me so well and we will always have history. I’m very glad I have them in my life.
‘Have you told your parents about him?’ Nina asks me.
‘Nah. I’ll tell them in person. Mum and Dad still don’t have a phone and it’s too much to go into in a letter. Anyway, I’d probably arrive before it did – they’re so slack about going to the post office to pick up their mail. Nothing’s ever urgent to them.’
*
Sonny’s ears must’ve been burning, because later that night, lying in bed, he asks about them.
‘You never talk about your parents,’ he says. ‘Is that because there’s nothing to say or because there’s everything to say?’
I roll over onto my stomach and look at him. ‘The things you come out with sometimes . . . You should be a counsellor,’ I add with a smile.
He folds his pillow over to prop himself up a bit. ‘Do you blame them for what happened to Anna?’ His question is asked very gently.
I look past his right shoulder to a spot on the wall. ‘Not really. I understand their reasons. For a long time I felt guilty for leaving them and coming here to live with Charles and June. Sometimes I feel frustrated with the choices they made, their determination to live on the outskirts of society, the choice they forced me to make because for them it was one or the other. If they’d been different, we could have all moved to another part of the country together to have the fresh start that I so desperately needed. But they chose to let Charles and June take me in instead.’ I sigh and rest my chin on his chest. ‘Sometimes I think that it was so painful for them to look at me, to look at me and see the absence of Anna, that they let me go to spare themselves.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ Sonny murmurs, running his fingers through my hair. ‘They probably did what they thought was best for you. They would have seen what Charles and June could offer you. And if your mum still refuses to write Culshaw on an envelope, that’s proof in itself that she loves you and struggled to let you go.’
My nose begins to prickle. ‘I don’t usually get upset about this,’ I mumble, blinking back tears and giving up as they spill over.
Sonny brushes them from my cheeks.
‘I also kind of resent them for emigrating to Australia,’ I admit tearfully, propping myself up. ‘They couldn’t move out of their beloved cottage for me, but when my dad’s mum fell ill, they flew to the other side of the world to look after her. Then she died and they bought a frigging houseboat and never came back. I was left to sort out the cottage and the animals. Luckily I was taking a year out after my A levels, and Charles and June helped out a lot, but that year ended up stretching into two because I spent so much time dealing with the house sale. Charles was furious.’
‘I love that he’s now got you house-and dog-sitting for him,’ Sonny chips in mildly.
‘I know. The irony, hey?’
‘Not that I’m not grateful to him,’ he adds, brushing the pad of his thumb over my lower lip.
I kiss his thumb.
‘About your parents . . .’ he starts. ‘I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been to stay in that cottage after you’d left. Maybe they needed a fresh start too?’
I think back to some of the times I visited, how empty and dark the rooms seemed, even with Mum and Dad pottering around. Suddenly I’m not sure what kept them there for so long. I couldn’t wait to get away again after each brief stay, back to Charles and June and their normality. Could my parents sense that urgency in me, that reticence to visit? That must’ve hurt.
At least when I went back to sell the house and find homes for the animals, I often had Ju
ne with me. Sometimes Charles too. They brought their normality with them and the task kept us focused, but it wasn’t easy. It was anything but. Everywhere I turned, there were memories and all of them hurt.
Yes, maybe my parents did need a fresh start. Maybe they’d needed one for years, but it took Dad’s mum falling ill to give them a nudge. Do I really hold that against them?
On reflection, I’m not sure that I do.
*
That Sunday is Sonny’s thirty-third birthday and his parents have invited us over for a big family lunch.
Sonny is kind of dreading it, but he’s glad I’ve agreed to go with him.
Everyone is going to be there: Harriet, Jackie, their husbands, kids, plus Natalie and Imogen.
‘Do your parents have much to do with the girls?’ I ask on the drive to collect them.
‘Not as much as they have to do with my sisters’ kids. Their five keep them busy. I’m sure they’d do more if I asked, though. They do know Rochelle. She used to make a point of taking Imogen and Natalie over for the occasional cup of tea, but she was doing it out of duty so the kids would know their grandparents. It was hard work for her, I think. My parents bore her senseless. I love them, but they are incredibly boring.’
I splutter out a laugh, taken aback by his bluntness.
‘You’ll see for yourself in a bit,’ he adds.
*
Actually, they are lovely.
Sonny’s parents are short and cuddly. His dad, in particular, is ridiculously cute, with a white moustache and eyebrows that seem to have a life of their own, they’re so animated.
Sonny still hasn’t told his parents what happened to him, but I know he’s trying to psyche himself up. Harriet’s counselling sessions have helped her. She’s been less inclined to ring Sonny up and is trying to work through her guilt with Evelyn instead. I know he finds that a huge relief.
I hate that he’s going to have to go through a similar thing again with his parents and Jackie.
But today is a celebration and I’m happy to be a part of it.
Because Sonny had Imogen and Natalie at such a young age compared to when Harriet and Jackie began their families, there’s not much of an age gap between the seven children. It’s lovely seeing them playing and interacting. It hurts my heart a little for reasons I don’t want to think about then and there, but the pain is not acute. It’s wistfulness more than anything.