“I gather I don’t have much choice. Can I call my parents?”
“Of course, you aren’t a prisoner. I will ask that you refrain from telling them about this, at least for now. We keep hidden for many good reasons.”
“Thanks. I have to let a few people know I won’t be as available for now.”
Stacy nodded and smiled. “You’re going to be fine. You’re doing really well so far. I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.”
I wished them both a good night on autopilot while my mind swirled and whirled in confusion and disbelief.
I sat through the night nurse, Beth, putting on a halter-style monitor. Before she gave me any more medication I asked to use my phone first. I didn’t want to fall asleep on my parents.
“Of course, just ring when you’re ready. The medicine includes a sedative that does act fairly fast so it might be best if you used the restroom before I give it to you as well.”
“Can I ask you a question, Beth?”
“Go ahead.”
“Are you? I mean, do you, ya know, too?”
Beth tipped her head back and laughed at me. “Wow, I hope that wasn’t a pickup line because, girl, you need some work!”
I felt myself flush and stammered. “No, I mean, not that you aren’t attractive and all but that isn’t what I meant.”
“I figured. I was teasing you.” Her kind green eyes looked down at me as she put a hand on my shoulder. “Yes, I’m part of both families.”
“What do you? What is your other?”
“It's a bit cliché but I transform into a wolf. My family has been head of the local pack for years. Thankfully, I’m no Alpha and my older sister will take over from my father eventually.”
“So, if I met you in the woods, on a walk, would you attack me?”
“If I were in my wolf form and you in human? No, I would avoid you. If you were in animal form? Not unless I were provoked, or ill. We can sense other shifters even when we are in our animal forms and while we may not be natural friends, we avoid murder of our own kind.”
“Thank you. I’ll call my folks and then let you know when I’m ready for the medicine.”
“Take your time. You just remember to keep this quiet for now, all right?”
I nodded solemnly and reached for my cell on the bedside table. I wondered how to explain my longer than anticipated stay in the hospital but decided I wouldn’t bring it up. As the phone rang I found myself hoping that I would get their voicemail but just before it would have picked up, I heard my father’s voice.
“Hey Dad, just checking in.”
“Peanut! How are you? What’s the status on the hand?”
“The hand doc was here a little while ago. She said it’s looking good. There was a bit of tendon damage so she took care of that while she was in there. It’ll take a bit of time for it to heal. In the meantime she ordered just the standard doctor stuff. No getting it wet, antibiotics, and all that jazz.”
“When are they releasing you? We can come up to get you if you’ll need help.”
“I’ll be good, Dad. Thanks for the offer. I’ve got to stay here while they give me IV antibiotics. It’s messing with my stomach a bit so they want to make sure the worst of that is over first. Plus, I’ll have to do some rehab. Usually though, it sounds like back to normal soon enough. Good thing I have plenty of wood chopped already.” As if normal was an option for me any longer.
“Well then, that sounds good. Let me get your mother on the phone for you.”
I heard him walk the phone out to wherever mom was at the moment. Knowing her, she was sitting on the covered porch sipping her evening tea.
“Hello? Tori? Your father tells me you have to stay a while longer. Is there anything we can do to help?”
“I’m okay, Mom. It’s not like I have houseplants that need to be watered. My garden is all but picked clean and it’s not time for the fall stuff to ripen. No pets, nothing really going on. Someone went and got me some clothes. I surmise that I made a mess of mine and I didn’t change before I came to get looked at in the clinic.”
“Well, if you change your mind, I can always take time off. I could even do some sketching up there.”
“No pending commissions?”
“I stopped taking most of them, dear. It was getting to be too much. I’d rather just paint what the Great Spirit moves me to create. I think someone said something about a show this winter. Maybe you could come down for that and spend a little time?”
“Sure, Mom. That sounds great. It’s not like there isn’t an art studio there if I need one. And my writing is just a laptop away.”
“Are you certain you don’t need one of us to come up?”
“Really, I’m sure. There’s nothing to do while I’m here and learning my therapy. I’m just reading a lot. Plus, the medication they gave me for pain knocks me right out. In fact, I think I’m about due for some. The nurse gave me a warning to get into the restroom before she came back. I best get going before they hook me back up to the IV drip for more antibiotics.”
“All right, Tori. I love you. Be well and rest. Call us anytime.”
“Love you too, Mom. Hug Dad for me and I’ll call in a couple of days.”
I leaned back with a sigh after I tossed my phone onto the bed beside me. It wasn’t easy to keep things from my mother. We’d always been pretty close. She was my first art instructor and mentor and still guided me when I needed help. I wondered what she would think if she knew about the changes in my life. I decided to get up and get ready for bed. After a quick restroom break and brushing of my teeth, I climbed back into bed and rang the call bell.
“All set?” Beth asked as she came in with two syringes and leaned over to shut off the call light.
“Yeah. Managed the parents and I’m ready for some oblivion at this point. Too much to process in one day.”
“I’m sure. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your position. If you wake up later and need someone to talk to tonight, our patient load is really light. Just ring and I can always come back in, okay?”
“Thanks, I mean that. I don’t have many close friends and obviously no one I can talk to about any of this stuff. Well, other than Kerstin. Good thing you guys have a shrink on hand. I suspect I’ll need her.”
“She’s a bit more than just your average head shrinker. She’s a mentor and guide to many younger people going through their awakenings. She helps people adjust when faced with this change, be it accidental or if they have the virus introduced on purpose.”
“I thought one of them mentioned that some people choose this life. How? Why? I mean, to willingly go through this on purpose?”
“Most of the time it is a human who has found a life mate within our society. There are special ways that is dealt with by people like Dr. Mueller. They assess the potential of the person in question for acceptance and their potential for handling the virus. Only if they pass the acceptance assessments are they even told of our existence. Eventually, some ask to join their mates in this life. We usually disguise it as pre-marital counseling.”
“Talk about commitment. It’s not exactly choosing to go from Episcopalian to Baptist.” I yawned. While we had spoken, Beth had given both syringes to me through the IV and reattached the fresh bag of IV antibiotics.
“Those meds are kicking in. Don’t fight it. Let yourself rest and heal. I’ll be in now and again to check on you and this IV.”
Beth turned off all but one dim light and shut my door on her way out. I leaned back and let the medicine take me to dreamland.
Chapter Five
MORNING ARRIVED FASTER than I would have liked. In fact, I had hoped that the previous day would prove to be just a strange dream brought on by my time under general anesthesia. I stretched and felt fine other than the mild ache in my bandaged hand. I decided to use the restroom while I had some time and found that at sometime during the night, Beth must have detached me from the IV. It was much nicer not to need to tug aro
und the IV pole while cleaning up.
I had just gotten myself settled with a book in the bedside chair. I had managed to pull on a pair of sweat pants without too much hassle so I felt warmer and more comfortable than I had since I arrived.
A rapid series of knocks sounded and a male voice called out. “Breakfast.” Then the door opened and the tray was set up for me by Mike.
“Good morning, Ms. Monroe. Here’s today’s breakfast and a set of menus for lunch through tomorrow’s breakfast. I’ve been told you’ll be staying with us for a little while longer. Also, you’ll notice the selections are a bit different today. I understand that you need a less heavy selection. I’d like to offer my apology for any discomfort you felt yesterday.”
“Mike, you couldn’t have known any more than I could have yesterday.”
“Actually, I simply forgot to check e-mail in the morning rush and brought the wrong set of menus for you. I was warned and missed the warning until just after the dinner trays were sent out.”
“Really, don’t worry about it. If nothing else, it opened to door to the conversation and explanation. It wasn’t anything that was life threatening.”
“Thanks for being so understanding. How are you feeling today?”
“My hand hurts less, thanks.” I expected Mike to nod and leave at that point but he surprised me.
“I wasn’t asking about your hand. How do you, the emotional you, feel today? Now that you know more.”
“Oh. That. I’m trying not to think about it. Everything still feels really odd.”
“I can understand that. My wife went through the change willingly and it was still hard on her.”
“She did? You too? Doesn’t anyone here not turn into something else?”
“We do have humans employed in certain services. A human only floor is kept as well. You were moved from surgery to one of our pods. There was too great a chance that you had enough of the virus in you and we couldn’t risk you being in with a human roommate while that happened.”
“I get that but I’m just too freaked out I think.”
“Take your time and trust in Kerstin Mueller. She’s one of our best in the country and this is the North American headquarters, so much of our research and training is done here. I have to go check on other patients and get back to the kitchen. I’ll leave you to your breakfast. Best of luck to you.”
I thanked Mike as he headed out. I turned over the news he had given me while I ate my breakfast. I noticed that I had been given oatmeal today and herbal tea. I could handle oatmeal better than Cream of Wheat at least. I finished my food and went back to my book just as a nurse came in.
“Hi there. I’m Kai. I’ll be your daytime nurse today. I just came in to check the battery on your halter monitor and introduce myself.”
“Hi, I’m Tori. Nice to meet you.” I held up the device and let Kai fiddle with it.
“Looks good. I just put in a fresh battery so you should be good for the rest of the day. How are you feeling? Is there anything you need?”
“I’m fine thanks. Would it be possible to take a shower?”
“Of course, let me get you some towels and I’ll be back in a few minutes to wrap your hand and arm. Then just call me when you are done and I can unwrap it for you.”
“Thanks. I hate feeling grungy. At home I take two and sometimes three showers a day depending on what I’ve been doing. Then again, at home I’m usually doing stuff that gets me dirty.” I thought of my garden and painting studio.
“Changes in routine are hard. If you want a second shower later, just ask and we’ll get more towels. You’re going through a tough time and if showers help calm you, it's the least we can do.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“You may.”
“Why are you all being so nice to me? I killed one of your kind.”
“Did you know what you were doing? What I mean is, were you aware that the deer you killed would later have regained a two-footed form and gone home to a wife and children?”
“He had a wife and kids? I am such an ass. Why aren’t you guys mad?”
“It’s not that we aren’t upset at the loss of one of our own. The issue is that you were unaware of your transgression. You weren’t hunting for spite or out of malice. You were hunting in the old style for food. If you had known about us, would you still have hunted?”
“No way. I wouldn’t have ever killed a sentient being.”
“We won’t go into what makes a being sentient or not. What matters is that you wouldn’t have killed a father of two and a husband to purposefully take a member of our clan away from us. That is why none of us can be mad at you.”
“Can I do anything for the family?”
“Are you sure you would want to?”
“I am. I can set up a college fund for the kids or something. Maybe help them financially if needed?”
“They are fine financially and college funds aren’t needed. Maybe later, once you learn more about this way of life, you will have a need to do something for them that they will appreciate. For now, I can convey your regret and apology to them.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I did this.”
“I know.”
WHEN KERSTIN MUELLER came for her scheduled talk with me, she found me wrapped around myself, crying. I’d been crying a good long while and truth be told, I couldn’t even tell you what I was crying about half of the time. There was suddenly so much to cry over in my life.
First, I had killed. I killed a man who had a wife and kids because I chose to hunt for meat in a day and age that enabled me to buy plenty of organic, antibiotic free meat. I did it to feel superior to those people totally reliant on others for their sustenance. It was a sin of vanity, no more, no less.
I cried because my life was inexorably changed in ways that I couldn’t even begin to imagine, because of my hubris. Not only was I going to have to learn about this shifting stuff but also, assuming I had to shift at least now and again, I would end up as the very prey that I had hunted. It was a universal irony that could have no other competition for rightness.
I cried because no longer was my life my own. My diet would change, my body would change, and my relationship with my parents would change. I would no longer be the daughter who came home for visits, enjoyed forthright discussions about literature and art, and told my parents whatever news there was in my life. This new secret threatened the most primal and instinctual relationship in my world.
I think in the end, I was crying because there was so much hurt, anger, grief, and sense of loneliness that came from that place we can only call our soul. That pit of deep honest emotions had me swirling and sinking deeper and deeper into the throes of depression.
That was the scene the good Dr. Mueller walked in on when she tapped on my doorframe and came into my room. I had no idea she had arrived. I couldn’t hear anything beyond my own sobbing. Make no mistake, this was sobbing, not weeping, crying, or sniveling. By the time Kerstin joined me, I was in full-out, body-wrenching, gasping-for-air sobs.
Kerstin brought a damp washcloth over and started to clean my face. She gave me a box of tissues, rubbed my shoulders, and encouraged me to slow my breathing. Her presence soothed me in a way I can’t describe, but simply made things seem like I could start to cope.
“I’m not going to say that I’m glad you are in such pain, Tori. But, I have to admit that it’s good to see you finally release your fear and anger in a cleansing way. I was starting to believe that you would risk either a full breakdown or such intense rage that you would risk self-harm. I prefer this healthier alternative.”
I had stopped the tears but they had devolved into hiccups. Tori handed me a glass of water and advised me to drink it slowly but to finish it without pausing. I did and my hiccups vanished.
“I didn’t mean for you to see me like that. I’m sorry.” I hid my shame from her by moving my head to the side and staring down at the incredibly rumpled bed sheets.<
br />
“Remember this: I’m your therapist right now and for as long as I’m needed. There is no judgment, no reason for apologies, and certainly never a need to hide in embarrassment. I am the safest person in the world to talk to about anything you feel or think.”
I slowly raised my eyes and looked at her. Warm brown eyes looked back and met my own. I sensed no guile or trickery. Kerstin appeared to be honest in her statements, but how could she not judge what I had done? It was murder. I was unable to get past it. As if she could read my mind, she spoke again.
“You are still a good person, Tori. Your core hasn’t changed. If you weren’t the kind of person who thought about other people, would you do so much good in your life for the planet you inhabit? You didn’t go out hunting to hurt anyone. You saw a buck. You had no idea that he was anything but a typical buck. You need to work on forgiving yourself. Truly, we haven’t told the world about us. We carry as much, if not more, blame than you do in this event.”
“I can understand that to some extent logically. Emotionally I still feel horrible…I killed a man.”
“No. You killed a deer. The fact that this deer was able to be both man and deer was what killed him. He was out scouting before allowing his family out to run. He knew of your kill zones and typically left them alone in his animal form. He chose to go there while knowing the risks.”
“How can you know that?”
“I’ve spoken to his family. His parents warned him to stay away from your hunting grounds. He argued that the land was public domain to his family in their animal form and everything would be fine as long as he scouted first. His wife told me that he figured that as long as they didn’t trespass in human form, he wasn’t breaking any human laws. She believed otherwise but she ceded to his wishes.”
“You haven’t mentioned his name.”
Stranger Than Fiction Page 5