by Anna Brooks
“You’re right.”
“I know I am.”
“You’re also a pain in my ass.”
She laughs, the soft melody scratchy from years of smoking. “You love me.”
I jump up and then kiss the top of her head before leaving. “Ya know, I was hoping I’d come here and maybe get a little heart-to-heart. Maybe some sympathy, but leave it to you to—”
“Tell it like it is?”
“Yeah. But if you can dish it out, that means you can take it, too.”
Her head snaps up, and she narrows her eyes at me. “Don’t.”
“It’s been years, Bebe. He wouldn’t want you to live like this. He’d want you to be happy.”
Her spine stiffens. “I’m happy.”
“You’re pretending to be happy. There’s a difference.”
“I can’t be happy without him.”
“You can. You just don’t want to. Think about that and take some of your own advice. Don’t be a dumbass.”
I go home and let what she said soak in. I let it absorb for about two hours before I make my decision. As soon as the sun comes up, I get in my truck and drive to the flower shop in town.
“Can I get ten of those, please.” I point at the purple tulips. “And ten of the yellow roses. Then ten of the red ones, too.” The clerk nods as she counts stems, and when I have ten sets of ten, I hand over my Amex and write on the little rectangle card she hands me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RINNY.
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS A 100,
YOU DESERVE IT.
-NOBLE
That’s so lame, but I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to put pressure on her and tell her I miss her and that I’m dying without her. And I also don’t want her to think I’m not still madly in love with her.
I sign the credit card receipt, then head down the street to the home improvement store. It’s time for me to make some improvements in my life. And it’s going to start from the walls that I’ve managed to lock myself inside.
It’s time to break those fuckers down.
Chapter 19
Brinley
“How you doin’?” Danny plops down on my gray microfiber couch and makes the whole thing shake.
“Fine.”
He leans forward and grabs a slice of the pizza I ordered for lunch, then incidentally ended up eating for dinner. “It’s been over a month.”
“I know.”
“You love him.”
“I want a baby.”
He laughs without humor. “Why? They’ll just weigh you down. Besides, if you really want a kid, go adopt one. You know how many need homes, Brinley.”
The thought has crossed my mind several times, but I just… I don’t know how to explain it. I want, or at least that was what I thought I wanted, was a baby to grow in my belly, but I don’t want to say that to Danny. As a child who grew up in the system, to tell another person who also grew up in the system that they don’t want to save a kid from said messed up system is almost mean.
Danny doesn’t talk about what he went through after he escaped that house. I don’t think he wants me to know. But whatever it was, it happened fast because the power he has, the money, the respect… that’s something earned. But all of those people who see him a certain way don’t know the real him. And the same is true for me.
Nobody really knew me aside from Danny, and even still, I don’t think I was ever my true self around him. Sure, I let loose, and sure, I know he cares about me, but it’s not even close to what I had with Noble. I don’t walk into a room and his face lights up like Noble. Danny doesn’t always have a hand on me or even a finger through my belt loop. He doesn’t hold me like he’s going to lose me, and he definitely doesn’t love me like there will be no tomorrow.
Except Noble did lose me. And he made it so there was only yesterday.
I’ve slipped back into the same sort of funk I was in when I initially reunited with Noble, but I’m trying really hard not to get that low again.
This time apart has made me realize one thing most of all; he was right. I wasn’t ready. I wanted to pretend everything was fine, and I think if he would have allowed it, I would have regretted it. So as much as I hate to admit it, he knew what he was talking about.
It didn’t change that I wanted to be with him, just that I needed to process some shit on my own. And yes, even talk to someone. Danny found a woman for me to go talk to, and twice a week for the past three weeks, he’s escorted me to her office and sat in the waiting room while I bared my soul to a perfect stranger. And when we leave, Danny hands her a wad of cash.
She’s helped me put my entire existence into perspective, and I’m not perfect, but I’m coming to understand that the perfect life I secretly always dreamed of doesn’t exist.
What I allow to affect me is on me. How I choose to let my past shape my future isn’t on anybody else but myself. And that’s what I was using Noble for. I was trying to make my life perfect without realizing that it already was just because I had him.
I thought he’d come back, though. I thought he’d change his mind, and he’d come back to me… but I was wrong.
“You want your own,” Danny states, drawing me out of my thoughts.
“Yes, but also, the state wouldn’t give me a kid.” I might understand that I don’t need perfect, but I do need purpose. Just like Noble felt like him taking care of me gave him purpose again. So he got that from me and gave me what he could, but the one thing I needed from him to give me the same gratification is the one thing he couldn’t. “I wanted one with him.”
“I get it. You want something that’s all yours.”
I nod, totally in a different place than I was a month ago. “I’ve never had anything that’s mine. I don’t even have a photo from my childhood because nobody ever took pictures of me. How sad is that?”
“You’re right. It’s pretty pathetic.”
“I want a baby. I want to have an entire photo album with me holding up the size of fruit they would be in my belly, and I want the nasty picture when they first come out all gooey and gross. I want a picture of everything. I want to give my kid or, if I’m lucky enough, kids all the experiences I didn’t have. I want them to know they’re loved. That’s more than I ever had.”
Danny’s not one for sentimental bullshit, but he does listen to me whenever I am. “You do know that just by wanting to give your kid the world, you’re already gonna be a great mama.”
“I know.” I straighten my spine. “I’m not sure about much in my life, but I do know that. I’d be a kickass mom. And Noble would be the perfect dad. I do know that for sure.”
“Why don’t you go fuckin’ talk to him? Jesus fuck, angel. You’re acting like someone fuckin’ died. You’re both still alive and obviously love each other, and both of you know that when something good comes along, you fuckin’ grab that motherfucker and don’t let go.”
“Because even if I have come to the decision that as much as I want a baby of my own, my flesh and blood, I would give that up for him and adopt if we were able to. But he doesn’t even want that. Not one. I’d settle for just one baby, and I’d do it in whatever way he’d let me. I’d compromise, but he won’t. So what’s the point of me going to him only to have my heart crushed again when I just started gluing the pieces back together again?”
I look over at the beautiful, obnoxious flowers he sent me last week for my birthday and stifle another sob. I was half pissed at him for sending me fucking flowers, and half relieved he remembered, but still one hundred percent alone without him, and I always will be.
Noble
“Hey, man.” I just got out of the shower and grab my phone when I see it’s Q calling. I almost don’t answer since all he does is give me shit about Brinley and how much of an idiot I am. And I agree with him. I know I made the worst decision of my life by letting her walk away, but I also know I’m gonna bring her back to me.
I just had to get some shit in my head sorted firs
t.
And I wanted to give her some time to get herself figured out as well. She needed distance from me to be sure this was really what she wanted, and as much as it killed me to stay away from her this past month and a half, I know deep, deep down it was the right thing to do. I’ve gotta admit, it also kills me that she didn’t come back.
But I told her a while ago that our relationship was my responsibility, and I still stand by that, so I’ll be the one to fix it, to fix us. I’m done questioning the what-ifs. I’m through wasting my life, and I’m done waiting around. Though, I haven’t been waiting. I haven’t been to work, either. But I have been working my ass off, obsessing, and consumed with building an addition onto the house. We’re going to need more rooms. At least two of them.
“Hey. You put a network on Paul Branch. He got released last night.”
I’m already in my truck and jam my keys in the ignition. My hands are shaky. Christ, I can’t remember the last time I was this fuckin’ scared. In a matter of seconds, I’m brought back to nine years ago and the moment I realized everything was gone in an instant. “What the fuck? He was supposed to be in for another three years.”
“Good behavior.”
He’s a fucking pedophile. There is no such thing as good behavior. “Fuck.”
“Her phone pinged at her apartment. I’m headed there, but I’m about twenty out.”
“I’m fifteen, but I’ll be there in five.”
The next three hundred seconds are the worst of my life. The twenty that follow as I run up the stairs to her apartment are torture. They’re so goddamn fast and slow and frozen that I can’t breathe. I hear her scream before I even reach her door, and my blood runs cold and turns my veins arctic. I’ve been in a lot of intense situations in my life. More so when I was a cop, but a few times doing personal protection, and I know things can escalate pretty quickly if you’re outnumbered by thousands. I’ve been lucky, for the most part, but when those situations arise, I keep calm enough to do my job.
But right now, I can literally feel my stomach hollow and its entire contents fall to the floor. The pulse in my neck hammers, and when I skid to a stop in front of her apartment, my knees buckle a bit. I grab the jamb, then put my booted foot on the door and kick.
I don’t even reach for my gun because I have enough ammunition built up inside me to do more damage than an actual bullet. My blurred, red vision sharpens like the target through a scope, and I find her before anybody can even blink.
“What the fuck?” Danny pulls his hand away from his waist, but I only have eyes for Brinley.
She’s standing on the kitchen table. Whole. Alive. Stunning. A pair of cutoffs and a hunter green tank top the color of my jealousy that somebody else saw her in an outfit that is so plain but so fucking sexy. So damn pretty. I suck in a painful breath, one so sharp it feels like fiberglass just slid down my throat.
I storm into her apartment, and as soon as I get in the kitchen, I reach up, grab her by the waist, then pull her to me. I squeeze her tight, so tight I hear her protest, but I don’t let her go. I can’t. “I’m a dick, Brinley. Christ, I’m so fucking sorry. I freaked, totally pussied out. God, God, I’m so sorry.”
“Noble. What happened?”
I lift my head and bring my hands to her face. I pull her head toward me until our foreheads collide. Her eyes are reserved but not angry. She’s not pushing me away and screaming at me to leave. She’s looking at me like she’s… relieved. “You have no idea how much hell I’ve gone through without you. I swear, swear to you, if you’ll have me, I will never, not fucking ever let you walk away from me again.”
Her eyes get wet, but she doesn’t blink when she asks again, “What happened?”
“Paul Branch got out early for good behavior.” She blinks now, and I vaguely hear Danny swear. “I came here, I was going to anyway, I couldn’t fuckin’ stand a minute without you, but I wanted to give you time. I got here and heard you scream, and I… fuck, Brinley. I…”
“You kicked down my door because you thought he was in here. Hurting me.”
The stampeding of my heart dulls to a gallop, and I nod. “Yes.”
I shake my head against hers and close my eyes; seeing her so close is too much. “I’ve survived without a lot and existed with nothing. I’ve stayed alive for the sake of not dying. But I can’t live without you.”
“Then don’t.” She doesn’t hesitate, and I sink my hands into her hair, needing to touch every part of her that I can.
“Christ.” I push her face into my neck and inhale the smell of home. “God, I missed you.”
“I missed you, too.”
“If you’re pregnant, I’ll deal, and we’ll be happy, and I’ll totally love another kid.”
She gasps and pulls her head back, but I don’t let her get more than an inch from me. “I already told you I’m not pregnant. I wasn’t when I said I was late. And since then, I’ve gotten my period.”
I knew that. I heard it when she said it, but I didn’t listen. “We need to change that, then.”
“What?”
“You not being pregnant.”
Her eyes bug out of her head, and I can’t believe, under the circumstances, I laugh.
“I never, ever thought I’d say that I want a baby. And I don’t just want a baby.” The carefree expression falls from her face. “I want your baby. I want to make a family with you. Only you.”
“Noble.”
“I love you. I. Love. You. Please forgive me, please. I promise you I’ll never be so stupid again. I’ll never risk—”
“Hush.” She smiles. “I forgave you before you lifted me off the table.”
I look around and see that Danny has gone. Her door is shut but not closed all the way since I broke it. “Why were you on the table screaming in the first place?”
“There was a spider.”
As my lips curl up, I bring my mouth to hers. The soft press of her body against mine stirs every single part of me to life. Parts that, even when I was with her, weren’t fully alive. She licks her tongue against mine, and I nip at her bottom lip. “Let’s get you home.”
“Okay.”
I grab her hand and walk out of her apartment. As I shut the door as best I can, I look behind me at the simple gray toned apartment that she’ll never be back in. I pull her against me, then lead her to my truck. She giggles when I lean over her to buckle her in, and I run my nose along hers before stepping down.
The silence on the way back isn’t awkward. But the sexual tension is painful, the heat is enough to burn, and the desire is so thick it chokes me. I don’t even have my truck in park in front of our house before she unbuckles her seat belt and straddles me.
“I need you.” She slides her shorts off, yanks her shirt over her head, and I reach for my zipper, groaning in relief when I free my erection. She tears my tee off, and I push my jeans down to my knees and then slide my hands up the outside of her smooth thighs to rest on her hips. Her shaky hand reaches between her legs, and when she grips my cock, my head falls back to the headrest.
And then she sinks down. And every time another inch slides inside her tight, wet heat, I feel her shattering the ice around my chest. There was barely any there since she melted most of it before I let her go. But now, it’s gone. All of it.
She bucks her hips, grinding into me and panting and moaning with every breath. “God.”
“Fuck, yeah. Ride me, baby. Show me how much you missed me.”
Her hair flies with the rough jerk of her body every time she slams down on me. I can’t decide where I want my hands, so I don’t settle for one spot. I trace my finger down her spine, pinch her nipples, rub her clit, grip her hips.
“Noble.”
I suck in a breath through my teeth to calm the storm at hearing her whisper my name.
“God.”
“So good. Nothing better than you, baby. Nothing.”
“Noble.”
With the limited movement I have, I lean
forward and lick a path from the center of her breasts to her chin where I sink my teeth. She falls back, her spine hitting the horn, and as she climaxes around me, she laughs, and I actually smile.
But she’s clenching around me, and I’ve been without her pussy for way too long, so all humor vanishes. “Gonna fuck you now, Rinny.”
“Yes.” The humor falls from her face. “Yes, Noble.”
I yank the door open and lift her off me, then jump down with my jeans still at my ankles. I push her chest against the seat, and she turns her head to look over her shoulder, then sticks her ass out, her feet barely reach the running board. She’s practically begging for it, so I have to give it to her.
“You been naughty, Brinley?”
“Yes.”
I don’t hesitate to land my palm on her perky little ass, and she jumps at the contact. My dick twitches when I see my handprint on her flawless skin. “What happens to naughty girls, baby?”
“They get sp—” Her words are cut off when I grab her hips, pull her down, and thrust my cock inside her. Her legs shake and pussy clamps down so tight it’s almost painful… but damn is it good.
“They get fucked, don’t they?”
She gasps every time I bottom out, and I can’t hold back anymore. I lift her sinfully delicious body and turn her around so I can see into her gorgeous eyes. She wraps her legs around me, and I press her against the side of my truck, then slowly slide into her. Her mouth falls open, and I take that invitation to kiss her. She claws at my back, and I cradle her head in my hands, then pull back and look into her eyes. “I love you, Brinley.”
Tears well in her eyes, and she doesn’t need to say it back because the mutual feeling is written all over her face. I stroke my cock inside her until her legs quiver, and she tosses her head back. There is zero humor when I think that I could live inside her. All day every day. I just want to breathe her.
“You’re gonna make me…”
“Yeah, I am. Come with me, Rinny.” Her hips move frantically, and when she screams my name and her walls contract, I drop my forehead to her chest and growl as the absolute best and strongest orgasm of my life pours out of me and straight into her. No condom is only part of the reason she feels so fucking good, the rest of it is all of everything that is Brinley. Her smell, her taste, her head to toe beauty, but mostly it’s what’s inside, it’s her heart that I love the most.