by Abbi Glines
* * * *
“I’m thinking we shouldn’t be going out tonight. I mean, I know it’s not exactly ideal to hang out in a cabin with your parents, Leif, but it’s icy out there.” Miranda was frowning as she looked outside the window on her side of the Hummer that Leif’s parents had rented for us to use while we were here.
“We’re inside a monster, baby, no worries.” Wyatt leaned over and kissed Miranda’s neck, making her giggle. I gazed back toward the road in front of me and away from the happy couple in the back.
“Wyatt’s right, Miranda. My parents rented this vehicle so we could get around easily in the icy weather. Besides, the Pancake House is not something you want to miss. Piles of pancakes covered in any topping you can imagine. I’m drooling just thinking about it,” Leif replied, grinning.
“UGH! I’m going to be like a thousand pounds when we leave here. All we do is eat. If you make me stop at one more of those mountain taffy stores I think I might run screaming the other way.” Miranda pouted in the back seat.
Wyatt laughed. “Or you’ll go taste test every sample they have.”
Miranda teasingly punched his arm. “Oh hush. Don’t remind me of my weakness and the damage I’ve done to my hips.”
“I like your hips just fine.” Wyatt replied in a low husky whisper we could clearly hear up front.
“Okay, you two, I’m going to make you walk to the restaurant if you don’t cool off back there,” Leif warned, flashing them a smile in the rearview mirror.
I kept my attention on the road as the falling snow seemed to get heavier. I touched my seat belt and a small stab of pain pierced me as I remembered Dank standing in my hospital room telling me my seat belt had saved my life. Yet, my mom had said I’d been thrown out for not wearing my seat belt and not wearing it had saved my life. I would have been crushed had I been left inside the car. The memory of a heavy weight being on my chest making it hard for me to breathe hit me. I’d been in the car when it’d finally stopped rolling. I’d thought I would suffocate from the heaviness on me. Then I’d been taken from the car and laid down on the grass. The pain had been so intense I couldn’t open my eyes. How had I gotten out of the car? Someone had gotten me out. Someone had unbuckled my seat belt and lifted me out of the crushed car and laid me safely on the grass. I’d never asked him about the seat belt again.
Now, as I rode along the icy mountain roads it slowly dawned on me. The someone who’d taken me from the accident had to have been the only person who knew I’d been wearing my seat belt. Why had I not asked him again? I’d forgotten about his knowledge I’d been wearing my seat belt. Leif had shown up and I’d let myself forget the wreck and the events leading up to it.
“You okay?” Leif’s hand slid across my leg and took my hand in his.
I masked my pain and turned to give him a reassuring smile. “Yes.”
He nodded toward the snowy evergreens outside my window. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I nodded because he was right, it was, but also because it gave me an excuse to keep staring off into the darkness.
“LEIF! WATCH OUT!” Wyatt’s voice broke into the soothing quietness of the Hummer like a bullet and Leif jerked the vehicle off the road and skidded up against the side of the mountain before coming to a full stop only feet away from the car that had just hit a patch of ice and flipped right in front of us.
Leif jerked open his door. “Call 911!” he yelled back at us and Wyatt jumped out of the vehicle with him. I reached blindly for my purse, not wanting to take my eyes off the smoking car in case I saw them. The souls who would walk away from it, if the crash had killed the passengers. I’d know soon if they’d died…wouldn’t I?
“There has been a really bad wreck in front of us.” Miranda’s voice came from behind me and I knew she’d found her phone and already made the call. I dropped my purse and crawled over to Leif’s seat to get out of his door, since my side was jammed up against the mountain. Sparks started flying from the upturned car and Wyatt grabbed Leif’s arm and pulled him back.
“No man, stop,” he said and Leif appeared torn as to whether he should try to help them or back away. Sparks and smoke so close to gasoline meant at any moment the car would catch on fire and possibly blow up.
“BACK UP!” Miranda yelled, jumping out of the car and running toward us with the phone in her hand.
“The lady on the phone says to back away. The smoke and sparks are a bad sign and she said the paramedics and fire trucks are on their way but they don’t need more injuries to deal with, it won’t help the people in the car.”
“She’s right, Leif, come on. Back up.” Leif glanced frantically back at me.
“Move back, Pagan,” he called. Before anyone could react, the fire ignited and the car in front of us went up in flames. A scream echoed in my ears and I cringed at the thought of the people inside we hadn’t been able to help. Frozen in horror, we all stood there and watched, unable to do anything to save them. Miranda’s wails were muffled by Wyatt’s soothing voice. Leif’s arms came around me and pulled me back farther from the heat of the flames. I let him pull me away but I didn’t take my eyes off the car. I needed to see if they were dead.
“Don’t watch, Pagan,” Leif’s voice was in my ear softly pleading. He didn’t understand why I had to watch and I couldn’t tell him.
Then I saw him. He stepped out of the darkness and walked directly into the fire. I broke free of Leif’s hold and ran toward the fire. He was here. Dank was here.
“Pagan, NO!” Leif’s voice called from behind me.
“STOP HER!” Miranda called out in a panicked voice, but I couldn’t stop. Dank was here! He was in there. The fire wouldn’t hurt him. I understood now. Arms wrapped around me and pulled me back as I fought against them.
“No, stop, I can’t — I need to get there! I need to see,” I begged as I struggled against Leif’s arms while never taking my eyes off the burning car. Dank emerged with two people by his side. It was a young couple. I started to call out his name as Leif held me tightly in his arms, unyielding.
“Please, please let me go. I need to go,” I begged, watching as Dank stopped and stared back at me. His eyes were a glowing, brilliant blue in the darkness as he watched me struggle and call out to him from Leif’s arms. He was there, so close, and the people beside him stood staring back at the burning car they had just escaped. He turned from me and with a wave of his hand all three of them were gone. I watched in horror as the darkness returned. The car continued to burn and I heard fire trucks drawing closer.
“Come on, Pagan, come back, baby,” Leif whispered in my ear.
“They’re dead,” I whispered, knowing why Dank had come.
Leif pulled me against him and held me in a tight hug. I let him. He had no idea what I’d just seen. No one did. All they saw was the burning vehicle. I had just seen the beautiful soul who had stolen my heart emerge from the darkness and take the souls of the people inside the burning car. He wasn’t a normal soul. He’d always told me he was different. I understood now what he meant. He was different. His existence was cold and lonely. A sob wracked my body and I crumpled against Leif’s body. I wept at the realization that Dank was never given a chance to love. He lived within the sadness. He had to walk hand and hand with death. I heard Leif’s voice attempting to comfort me but I couldn’t accept his words. Nothing he said made any of this okay. Dank wasn’t given a chance at life and happiness. My breathing came in gasps from the pain shooting through my heart. It was all too much. I had a limit and I was positive I’d just reached it.
“No, sir, she isn’t hurt. We weren’t close enough to the car and we all were wearing our seatbelts when I ran the Hummer into the mountain. She isn’t handling what we just witnessed well….” Leif’s voice trailed off.
An unfamiliar voice spoke from behind me. “She needs to be taken in and given some meds to calm her down. That kind of emotional trauma can leave devastating effects.” I tightened my hold on Leif. I couldn’t go to t
he hospital now. I didn’t want to see more sickness or lost souls. I shook my head violently against his chest.
“She’s terrified and I can’t just let her go without me. I can’t leave her.” I heard Leif argue.
“You can ride with her but she needs some medical attention. This is not a normal way of dealing with something like this. The other girl is handling it well. This one seems to be losing it.”
“Okay, but I’m not letting go of her.” Leif said with finality to his voice.
“I don’t want to go to a hospital,” I said, panicked. I pushed away from Leif, trying to get away so I could run to someone safe; someone who wouldn’t make me go. No one understood what I would see there. What I’d seen tonight.
“No, don’t,” I heard Leif protest and I thought for a moment he was talking to me when I felt the prick of a needle and the world went hazy before it faded to black.
* * * *
“No, they gave her a shot to knock her out. I tried to stop them but it happened before I could do anything.” I heard Leif’s voice in the darkness.
“I’ve called her mother and she’s terribly worried. I told her not to come. I’m having us flown out of here in a few hours.” Mrs. Montgomery’s voice sounded concerned.
“How are Miranda and Wyatt?” Leif asked before fingers gently caressed my arms. I knew it was his touch.
“Both are doing fine. Miranda’s fine. She’s very worried about Pagan. I reassured her Pagan was just resting.” There were a few minutes of silence. I let the caressing touch from Leif comfort me. It helped fight the horror I was only barely containing. I knew there was pain waiting for me but I wasn’t ready to face it.
“Honey, is she always this unstable? I realize it was a horrible thing to witness, but for her to completely fall apart like this, well, do you think she has some mental issues you might be unaware of?” Leif didn’t say anything at first and I wondered if he’d shook his head or shrugged.
I heard him sigh. “I don’t know, Mom,” he said quietly. Leif always seemed completely blind to my problems. I’d always wondered if he’d just not noticed the way I’d stare and watch things he couldn’t see. Then there were my major mood swings he always seemed to overlook. Maybe he’d seen more than I realized. A swell of panic tightened my chest as I realized that I may be losing Leif too. This time he wouldn’t be able to ignore my serious issues. I wasn’t normal. I never had been.
“You may need to really think about your relationship with her. It isn’t healthy to get involved with someone who is this emotionally vulnerable. People this weak emotionally can be dangerous.” Leif‘s hand stopped caressing my arm.
“I didn’t ask your opinion. Don’t say things like that about Pagan ever again. Do you understand me? Nothing is wrong with her that is dangerous or harmful. She just feels deeper than others.”
I thought of how deeply I loved Dank and I couldn’t argue with him. I did feel more deeply than was normal.
“I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have said anything but this is just concerning for a mother, that’s all. I want what is best for you. Make sure she is.”
I wanted to open my eyes and say ‘Listen to your mother. I’m not good for you Leif,’ but I didn’t. Because I was selfish and scared.
Chapter Fifteen
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been back home. Time kind of seemed to roll on continuously. No night or day. Getting out of bed seemed almost impossible at times. In my dreams, Dank was there. I just wanted to sleep. Talking was something I just wasn’t ready for.
I’d seen the questions and concern in Leif’s eyes on the flight home but I hadn’t spoken to him. I hadn’t wanted to face him now that he knew I had issues, even if he didn’t really know what they were. He thought I was crazy and that wasn’t my problem at all. My problem was I loved someone I couldn’t have. I saw souls who wandered the Earth lost and I’d been attacked by a soul who was intent on killing me. I was the only person who remembered Dank Walker had gone to our school and if I brought up his name again everyone would really think I’d lost my mind. So, yes, I had issues, but not psychiatric ones. I had supernatural ones.
A knock on my bedroom door startled me and I turned to stare at the closed door, knowing it was my mother. My very worried mother. How could I explain to her I was hurting so deeply I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to recover? There was a loss in my life like nothing I’d ever known.
“Come in.” My voice sounded hoarse from lack of use. My mother opened the door slowly and stuck her head inside as if to take in the atmosphere before walking all the way in.
“You not up to going to school this morning?” she asked with a smile that didn’t meet her eyes.
I’d forgotten what day it was but I knew I wasn’t ready to face school. I wasn’t ready to face Leif or Miranda or Wyatt. I needed to remain in my room and find the strength inside me to keep living. I shook my head and she gave up the pretense of smiling, a worried frown creasing her forehead.
“Honey, you’ve missed a week of school so far. I have let you stay in here hoping you would overcome the trauma you’ve experienced. But now I’m getting worried you aren’t going to pull out of this. I’ve been studying your symptoms on the internet and you have all the signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You’re having horrible nightmares and screaming out in your sleep, yelling for dank or sank or crank—I can’t understand it through the sobs. You won’t leave your room and you aren’t taking calls or visitors. When I try to talk to you it’s like you black out on me. You aren’t listening to me.”
I sat there listening to her. I was suffering from having my heart shattered, broken beyond repair, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I just stayed silent. She seemed to take my silence as encouragement. “I’ve made a few calls and I got you an appointment with a psychiatrist. I need you to go talk to her. She’s really good and works with teenagers solely. She comes very highly recommended and we don’t have to tell anyone you’re going to see her.” Tears sprang into my mother’s eyes. She swiped at them and let out a ragged breath. “I…the truth is, I should have sent you years ago. When you were little you would talk about the people in the walls. I thought it was your imagination but now I wonder if somehow you have some unbalanced chemicals and this trauma you’ve experienced has triggered something.” She sniffed. “You talk to yourself at night in here. I hear you speaking to someone. Honey, you need some help.”
I nodded. I knew it would ease her fear. She was so worried and I couldn’t explain any of this to her without her truly thinking I was insane.
She smiled through her tears and nodded. “Okay good. I’ll give you some time but you need to get up and get a shower. Then get dressed and we will ride over to see Doctor Hockensmith. She’s expecting us today.”
I nodded again and watched as my mother left the room, leaving the door open as a reminder I needed to get up. I had just agreed to go see a psychiatrist. My mother was wasting her money but I knew I had to go or she was going to need to see a psychiatrist from the stress I was putting on her emotionally. I hated that I was upsetting her but I couldn’t seem to see a way out of the despair consuming me.
* * * *
The large, two-story, white stucco house stood on stilts facing out over the Gulf of Mexico. My mom slowed down and stared up at the house large enough to hold at least five families comfortably. But then, it wasn’t a house for a family. The cheery house on the beach was a place to heal for female teens suffering from psychiatric issues. I glanced over at my mom, who was waiting on me to make the first move. She’d packed my things with me in silence after I’d agreed with the psychiatrist that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and needed help. I’d been ready to agree to anything to get me out of the office where it was obvious she really wanted me to change personalities on her or admit to cutting myself. I wasn’t a psychopath and this seemed to be the one diagnosis she’d given me I was okay with lying about.
“Do you want to ma
ke a few phone calls before we go get you settled in? One of the rules is you can’t have your phone here.” Mom’s expression told me she was afraid the news of no phone was going to be a deal breaker for me. I nodded thinking of Leif and Miranda. I needed to let them know where I would be for a while. Mom nodded. “Okay. I’ll start taking your bags on up and getting you all checked in.” She said the words with a small hiccup as if she were about to break down and cry. She’d handled this all so well and been so strong, thinking this was what I needed.
I reached over and took her hand and squeezed it tightly. “Mom, I’m okay with this. I think it’s going to help me. Don’t look so upset. It’s all going to be okay.” She nodded with tears filling her eyes. I knew I had to get better for her. I had to find a way to live with the hole in my chest.
Mom headed up the stairs with my bags in her hands and I picked up my phone and dialed Miranda first.
“Well, it’s about flippen’ time I see your name pop up on my screen. Jeez! Pagan, you’ve been scaring me.”
I smiled at the relief in her voice. “I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m waiting to be checked into this rehabilitation center for people with similar issues. I can’t keep my phone but I was told I could have visitors if you want to come see me sometime.” Miranda was silent and I started to wonder if my phone had dropped her call.